Navigating an Open Relationship

I told Jimmy that while he's abroad to not feel tied to what he has at home; namely me.  If he wants to experience a country for its food, its culture...  its men that he should go ahead and do so without guilt.  It doesn't bother me because I feel security in our 8 year relationship.  That we want the same things in life and that I will love him forever.  Whatever happens there remains there and that he'll always come home to me.

To this he responded, "WTF, THAT IS NOT WHY I TRAVEL ALONE"

And to this I said, "I know! I'm just letting you know that I'm okay with it."

Two weeks later he comes up to me to say, "Did you make those comments because you want to be in an open relationship?" 

I nodded sheepishly.  "I understand, my baby has needs," he responded perceptively.  And that's how we got here; trying something different, but still trying to navigate it.

With one key rule that he placed: no friends.
...because, you don't shit where you eat.

A logical and complicated ask because I am friends with many people.  I am naturally friendly.  And my approach to humans and relationships has to pivot.

As I navigate this, I come to realize that app-culture is the vehicle to a very transactional way of "connecting" with other men not to mention a huge waste of time. And flirting with an end goal was something I haven't done in a really long time. There are moments I feel like hot shit and other moments I just feel like room temperature shit.  Men become objects hitting physical qualifications that allow you to “get off” and then leave.  Rather than fleeting, it feels direct and hollow.  And the high from the fun is short lived and regretful.

What am I getting out of this?  By repressing my inclination to be friends... I’m not being me.  It makes me feel shitty to have motives when the Chris that people respect, possibly admire, is a Chris that actually cares about being just your friend, to be supportive of what you're trying to achieve in life and introducing you to his community.  And that Chris doesn't take advantage of people and write them off once they’ve served their purpose.

So why did I even suggest it?

... I realize that “my needs” is so obvious and in plain sight because of my predictable one dimensional personality... it's not sex, but rather it's attention; a warm body to hold, a companion to kiss and a human to love.   Things that should only come from Jimmy, and I desperately need more frequently because of my shitty codependency especially while he’s away.

Quite the epiphany... and I feel good about this Sunday thought / self-therapy, because I can be honest  and really understand what the fuck I'm doing, where my mind is at and why I'm behaving this way.  I’m seeking so much attention, playing games, overthinking and creating constructs when it should be kept as simple and dumb as the app.

Before he left for another two week trip he expressed so much concern.  He was worried that I would resent him, but I reassured him that I would never.  I understand his needs just as much as he understands mine and we work on it together to make this relationship last.  I can’t wait for him to come home.

Moody

There have been moments where I ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Why am I having these thoughts, these feelings, these distractions?  

I've been moody lately, but I've contained it.  There have been moments in which I really want some attention.  Some comfort. Some excitement.

I'm in the mood to dance, to get some endorphins up, to feel good.  To feel sexual and carefree. To be touchy and intimate. 

At least five of my friends are experiencing depression... clinical, leaving work, losing hair, losing family, addicted to drugs, addicted to alcohol, moving to random parts of the world, feeling insecure.  

Piles and piles of emotional turmoil that some are addressing and some are suppressing.  I remind people that we need to check up on each other because life can be lonely. Hurt feels lonely.

Someone said to me that it's hard for them to talk to anyone about whatever happened or what they're feeling because they’re afraid that people are gonna be upset with them.  I can understand that, some things you just keep to yourself.  You hide your demons... to ensure that your friends believe you are who you want them to think you are. You want people to continue to like you and respect you and believe that you are...genuine, innocent, faithful, generous, caring, respectful, honest, selfless.

...and not a sack of worthless garbage that you feel you are at times.

So you lock those demons up, hoping that they don't eat you up inside; hoping that no one notices that sometimes your actions don't always match your morals.

I know I'm just in a mood.  Anything I'm dealing with just feels small.

Someone said to me, "Chris, do you go to therapy?  You don't need therapy." 
Am I really that well-adjusted? Am I really that self aware?  Am I really that level headed?

Quite possibly.  But I think moreover I know what I need to do to heal: blog, dance, chill... with others so that we can remind each other that it's okay to feel like an imperfect human.

Birthday Wishes from Dad

My dad posted the above on my wall.  I think he's giving me sign that it's okay... that I'm gay.

Yay.  I'm officially 27.

Do You Miss Being Single?

Hipster Party

 On our drive back from our mini-vacation in San Diego, Jimmy asked me if I missed being single. I responded with out hesitation, "I don't miss being single, but I miss some aspects of being single." 

When I first moved to LA, it worked.  Being single pushed me to meet new people and explore and experience new things with out the pressures of being tied down.  If I had moved to LA with a boyfriend, I'm pretty sure that my explorations would have been limited.

If you have a boyfriend, a large percentage of what you enjoy doing is cuddling.  Cuddling all day/night.

I elaborated to Jimmy, I missed dating, even if I didn't see initial potential, I would never refuse a date because I always got something out of it.  This is where Jimmy disagreed, "you mean you're using them."  I responded sharply - not like they're not getting anything out of it either.

Jimmy told me that he looks at dating in the long run, as an investment.  Why would he go on a date with someone he knew off the bat he was not compatible with?  It would be a waste of time.

I look at dating in the short run, it's never a waste of time.  It's company, it's entertainment, it's fun and I doesn't matter if sparks fly.  And even when I became boyfriends with Jimmy, I managed to squeeze one more "date" in with someone from OkCupid.  Because my definition of dating is skewed, it's flirtatious, not romantic. (Yeah, that didn't turn out well).  Anyway Jimmy and I concluded that I was that asshole that left someone crying after a nightclub because of mixed signals I was sending.

In some ways I miss being that asshole.  And I miss dealing with assholes - buying them Panda art when we were just fuck buddies.  Sleeping with friends. getting smothered by crazies.  Feeling confident.  Dating makes life interesting.  And the only people that got really hurt are the ones that automatically think - First Date = something serious.  No, idiot.  Even if he accepts a date, doesn't mean anything will become of it.  Anyway.

As my days in LA slow down and the novelty of living the "big life" dissipates, the need to really network and make new friends disappears.  I look forward to home cooked meals and leaving work early be with someone who I love with all of my heart.

Handsome boyfriend

I initially believed that I needed to be single to explore this city and have fun and this may have been true when I first got here.

But I stumbled upon something much better - someone to explore everything this city has to offer with - a companion.  We don't spend our days vegetating, rotting, domesticated.. we wake up and live (or so we try to).  So I don't really miss that aspect of being single because I'm achieving it everyday with Jimmy, my wonderful boyfriend. 

Jimmy told me, "why would I want to date around when I already knew that you are who I want to be with?" And that pretty much explains why we became boyfriends so quickly - he didn't have time to play around with my dating game bullshit.  "Take me or leave me," I chose the former because I agreed with what he said... I already knew how I felt about him.

This amazing feeling that Jimmy gives me is incomparable to the 'exhilaration' of the dating game.   LA has become my home and so has Jimmy.  

I think he’s a keeper :3

===


my blog friend thwany tagged me in the Versatile Blogger Award, and so here are 7 random facts about myself:

- I like handling the bill math at the end of a big group dinner
- I hate wasted food and always reinvent left overs
- I dislike wearing socks and wish I could wear flip flops all the time, especially in rain
- I have a low attention span that means I can't drive long distances, watch foreign fills or go to concerts
- I pretend that I'm a really good dancer/singer/actor but everyone around me knows otherwise
- If I don't blog/take pictures of events I feel like they never happened
- I would never live alone


the next 3 people i award and pass this onto is: room2046, keeptryan and ernasty

Queerious

I just stumbled upon Queerious after checking out fellow blogger Alex's google images search flub.

Apparently when you Google Image Search "Rice Queens," a picture of him and his friends appear as the number 1 search result.  This has happened to me, but the search term was "obese."  Anyway, scroll down further and I found Queerious:

You can see my ADD translated through my Firefox tabs

I love stumbling.  I'm curious to where that third image on the top row leads.

Once I find a blog, I have to read it in its entirety before I can add it to my google reader.  Thankfully, Queerious only launched in January.  As I chucked at a well written entry about RAGE - Really Asian Gay Experience, I realized that the writer was at house last week with homemade dumplings... and the slew of contributors were actually a part of my circle of friends.

Yay for the Gaysian American circle of 100 people.

While you're there, help them determine if particular Asian portrayal in movies is Racist or Ironic.  Quentin loves discussions.

==

And in my attempt to love WeHo for what it is (swaggerless - When the DJ played Go Girl per my request, the club literally stopped dancing and folks made "wtf is this" faces.) Queerious shared a video to show me how I can dance LA's botched remixes mindless house music.

Born this Way Blog

I added http://borngaybornthisway.blogspot.com/ to my list of Downe blogs on the right column.

From NPR
A recently launched blog called "Born This Way!" does something very simple: It pairs a snapshot of a gay person as a kid with a personal essay about what he or she sees when looking at the photo.

Intro to the blog

A photo/essay project for gay adults (male and female) to submit pictures from their childhood (roughly ages 2 to 12) - with snapshots that capture them, innocently, showing the beginnings of their innate LGBT selves. It's OUR nature, our TRUTH!


Pretty powerful.

==

I also added http://transfagssexjournals.blogspot.com/ .

Intro to the blog:
Trans Queers consist of two transfags of color living in a big city, exploring safe anonymous play with bio-boys. We are committed to documenting the good, the confusing, and the ugly. Not too many of us out there writing about sex with nontrans men, the adventurous intricacies of it, negotiating safety and complicating definitions of queerness. We promise to be honest and vivid as we recount these experiences. It is our hope that you will read this journal and feel that your sexuality is really yours to do with as you damn well please.

Also very interesting.

You're More Likable if You're Single

Single
I've been single for 3 years and getting into a relationship has not been a smooth transition as I thought it would be.  But why would it be considering the circumstances?

I met someone from OkCupid and thought it would be a good idea to bring the boy along to meet him. I figured that if we were to both meet the OkCupid guy at the same time, it was as if we were BOTH making a new friend... expand our circle.  Too bad I failed to mention to the boy that we were meeting up with someone from OkCupid... the dating site... not the friendship site. (Shit, my bad).

"I feel like I'm a third wheel on your date with this guy," the boy said over the live jazz music.  I thought this was ridiculous, I knew as little about the OkCupid guy as he did. If anything, the OkCupid guy should have felt like a third wheel.  In my mind, we were both making an effort to make a new friend.  The OkCupid guy was trying to make conversation with the boy, but was quickly shot down with one word answers.  I didn't understand what the problem was. If I was the boy I would have done my best to interrogate this stranger from this random site and tell him to get off of my MAN's balls.  We left early, the boy was hurt, the mood was killed.  But I loved the jazz club... and couldn't enjoy it.

"You didn't introduce me as your boyfriend," the boy added.  I stumbled to explain myself, but then the boy told to me what my subconscious was thinking.  "Chris, you didn't introduce me as your bf because you wanted to seem single.  People think they are likeable when they are single."

I thought about it.  It was true.

When you're single you are free to meet random boys and experience random things.  Whether it turned into something, into nothing, it doesn't matter.  You tag along to their daily life and discover more about your city.  When you're single you can explore other people without feeling guilty because you should be home with your man.  You discover new foods, new venues... a random Live Jazz Jam session in Chinatown!!!  So I felt like I needed to come off as single in order to not miss out on any of these things.

For the sake of new friends or not, it doesn't matter - the boy knew it and explained my actions negating my justifications immediately.  I wanted to be single... I've been doing it for so long.

==
Caveat
Before I continue, if you're my friend, don't tell me you read this blog because this is my therapist and I refuse to start an anonymous blog.  Acknowledge the blog wall, I'm tired of inhibited writing. 

==

Relationship
Last night we got into another spat that was related.  I questioned whether or not I wanted this-  The stress, expectation, insecurities, obligations of being in a relationship.  I had forgotten about all of this having been gallivanting for so long.

It made me realize that you can't just jump into a relationship.  It made me realize that "In a Relationship," carries a lot of weight that people in general are not willing to accept so they make other categories:

But it also made me realize the people are too eager to jump ship when they hit a hurdle.

I am in a relationship and that means I am willing to work on developing something that can potentially become amazing and fulfilling.

You don't just get into a relationship, you work on a relationship.  And that's what I agreed to when he asked me to be my boyfriend.  So we did just that - worked it out.  Communicated. Understood.

You feel so good in my arms.  I will always introduce you as my boyfriend and any "opportunity" I miss because of it wouldn't feel as good without you there.

Hate within the Gay Community

Luan makes some very valid points about hate from masculine gays on effeminate gays.  Hate within a community trying to fight for the same rights only makes us weaker.

I found myself no better than masculine gays who puts down effeminate gays for making us gay people "look bad."  But as Luan puts it, people hate gay people because they are GAY.  If gays were all masculine, there would still be homophobia.

I don't consider myself effeminate, but I'm definitely not masculine.  I'm in the weird in between space of just Asian.  Most of my friends aren't ridiculously fabulous, nor are they bruised up from playing sports or yelling at the sports channel.  I like the in between space and blending American defined effeminate and masculine attributes comfortably.  And if I hate on effeminate guys, I feel like it's a sub conscious move to make myself feel like more of a man.  "Breaking stereotypes."  I'll blame American society for this.

I appreciate Luan for making this video.  Could we say the same thing about black folks who are frustrated with ghetto black people because they are making the community "look bad?"  Someone who is racist will hate on black people because they are black, regardless of if they are ghetto or not. 

Though a little obnoxious, Luan has some other interesting videos that are entertaining, but they may be exhausting to watch:

• You Don't Need a Boyfriend to Feel Good
• I Hate Testing
• His Mom
• Him Talking Vietnamese

Too Early to Tell

I think it's interesting when folks congratulate you or say that they're happy for you when you tell them that you are dating someone. I guess we spend our whole lives looking for our lobster and when we get even close, it cause for celebration.

I'm not saying that this guy is my lobster, but he's really a good guy that I want to continue to get to know. But I can't help but feel selfish when I think about others in my past or still cruise for other dateable people.

Is that to say that I'm not ready to be committed. I guess that's a sign. Or maybe I'm not not that willing to give him 100% of me because I don't want to settle.

But maybe a more logical reasoning is that it's still new. But I would expect that if it's new, there would be more excitement and hope. It's a possibility that I've been disappointed way too often that I've prepared myself. Likewise, it just might take me longer to get there.

Either way, he's an amazing chef and made me halibit dinner last night. We snuggled on a couch while watching the Travel channel until his roommate came home; just how my ideal Tuesday should be spent.

I said to him, "Tuesday, is our day... I'll be over for dinner next week" and passionately kissed him good bye. He doesn't make my heart skip a beat, but he warms my tummy and makes me smile and I shouldn't be in such a hurry to see fireworks...

==

In reguard to the Video that I posted below: It makes me excited to see my peers create a piece that can be relateable to Gay Asians in college. That on screen kiss is a big deal because it creates presence. Gay Asians will feel a part of something, understanding that the issues they face may not be as unique as they once thought. And that feeling love is normal.

Cheers to that.

"It's Complicated"

Seriously, I am proud. Yeah Berkeley Gay Asian Community. Please stay united and support one another.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!

I Met a Boy Last Night at West Hollywood...

...and he was so fucking needy and whiney, I wanted to shoot myself.

"You're not going let me wait in line by yourself are you?"
"You're going to walk me out right?"

You're an adult, gawd!

But really he wasn't. I felt like I was surrounded by 19 year olds. (Rage is 18+) Hah hah, yeah just my type right Joe, MoNy, Szeto? NO! I'm done with children!

I feel like a large number of the gay population grow up at a very slow rate. Their concept of a mature relationship doesn't develop until they make a shitload of mistakes and even then they don't learn. Their sense of acting on animal instinct: seeking sex, declaring needs, desiring immediate gratification etc has yet to be filtered by what is and is not appropriate. Their PARTY phase is extensive. And for me, I obviously haven't grasp the idea of what it means to work.

Even with 3 shots and a margarita in my system, I didn't find comfort that I usually do. I didn't know anyone and the people I did know were preoccupied with their own well established cliches... or eating face. So I wandered the streets observing people.

Nameless faces:


Except Jason! And my new... JOKER Face.


Nice folks


==

I'm falling in love with LA, but I'm hating the gay scene as I mention in my passed WeHo blog entry. I think in LA, I am disconnected to the scene, but in actuality it is better because all I have been doing is gay things.

I miss Bay Area gays, my boys and Crema: the coffee shop that we have been recently congregating at for the passed two months before I moved.

The excitement of being in a new place is going to die down next week when I move to somewhere further from the office, when I stop getting invitations from reconnected friends, when I have no one to talk to...and this is why I need to live with a someone. Thanks everyone for calling me, texting me and IMing me. I miss you guys.

Pride 2009 Part II

After a cute Mexican Brunch in no deadville Concord, Jimmy and I headed to pride. I put on my SECOND gayest shirt which was a gift from CARL! YAY! It was a Big Gay Ice Cream Truck T-shirt from New York! It couldn't have been more perfect!

I had three goals: 1. visit the Asian stage which is located at the back of the bus ... or at the farthermost corner of the festival, to give my Dragon Kisses and Hellos. 2. Nap on the ground with Jimmy like a local, 3. See Boa.









Heh heh. Farmer Joe and Crazy Szeto...
Sick and Grumpy MoAny stayed home.



Then Boa... she came on really late, and the wait was painful. I was complaining, "GOSH, all these tall people in front." And the 6'2 guy in front of me turns around and I say. "HELL... O"

LOL. It was a had-to-be-there.

This picture is from Charles who got back stage passes! BoA was cute and fobby and I was surprised that so many people were there to see her. After Beyonce's siter, Solange, performed a horde of black people left the front area and all the 5'6 Asians pushed forward. It was... hilarious!

==

Oh Pride. Once again, I experienced it sober. Ok, maybe next year I will drink up!
I also saw fellow blogger, TiggahTigz!!! But I felt weird approaching him =X!

It's like, hi! I read your blog, I've seen your goods. Awkward!

An overdue Blog about Pride PART I

Pride stuff. After my interview on Friday, I flew up to SF and went to PRIDE. I've gone like 6 times and I was content on bringing a blanket and baking in the sun with Jimmy. I call it- experiencing pride as a local.

I put on my gayest shirt and headed to my old roommate Sig's BBQ! He ALWAYS invites me to his shindigs, and finally I was able to go! I handed him old mail from 2006!

Sig's luscious bubble butt black boyfriend, Eric knows how to BBQ!



LooK! Berkeley GAYS! I miss you guys! Jimmy is cute.

==

So continuing Pride as a local, we went to a coffee shop and chilled. Low stress.

Charles wanted us to look Fierce, I miss heard and did FART.


Time for PINK Party. It was amazing this year. Bigger, large stages and a disco ball as big as my house hanging from a crane. Ooo, look! White Gays!


Carl was trying to teach me how to tyra my pictures, but.. I give up. I just look tranny.

So this drunk kid comes up to me and says that Jimmy and I make a cute couple and then he proceeds to tell us how he was dissed by his friends because they told him he was a two out of ten. He then said, "I look at myself in the mirror everyday. I KNOW I'M CUTE! Don't you think I'm cute?"

Ugh, I was so disgusted. But even more disgusted at myself, because he WAS cute. Ugh. I hate people who masturbate to themselves.




I lost 5 million calories hiking this San Francisco hill. This ends part I.

GAM4GAM Generation

While hanging with LA gays. (JR saved me) I ended up in Long Beach where I had a discussion with other gays about the GAM4GAM (Gay Asian male 4 Gay Asian Male) Experience.

This is for my generation of gays. There was no downelink, but rather there was findapix (a website that enabled you to make a profile... a very limited profile and then folks rated you) and the term "downe" was becoming popular. Findapix was pre-myspace/frendster... findapix was very self indulgent. Findapix was the beginning of angled shots and good lighting.

I think this was my findapix "picture"

The emerging popularity of the internet during the late 1990's, early 2000's gave an outlet for tech savvy Asians to experience their interest in a subculture: gay and AZN PRIDEZ. (While trying to download music off Napster, Kazaa, Morpheous.. whatever)

Ah yes.. remember these AZN cartoons that reinforced the fashion and hairstyles?

That's how we "identified each other." By simply putting ~~**~***downe***~**~~ in our findapix profile, in our xanga, in our angelfire/geocities webpage.. we were able to meet others who we could identify with. And maintain a sort of secret society.

==

With AOL Chatrooms came:
a/s/l ?

16/M- Viet/ San Jose. Hi's were unnessessary. Info first.
and then you would have to type it again because it would get lost in the chatroom.
ROLL CALL!

These chatrooms would get full and folks would keep pressing the ENTER button because there was a number cap. Hopefully, someone would leave and they could join.

Our screen names were ethnically prideful and very symmetrical.... and apparently Angels and Dragons were our favorite creatures. .. And I think there was something wrong with the shift key

xoxAZNange1Babyxox
PiNoYFiRe84
lilVietbOilil
DrGn4Eva310


And with our doors closed and our mommies making dinner we discretely had conversations with Gay strangers from random parts of the US. There were those who were discrete and had nothing in their AIM profile. Others had all the information you needed.

We were eager to give out our phone numbers, but hesitant to make calls because we didn't want those numbers to appear on the phone record. "You sound cute.. let's talk on the phone." And we would freak out when our parents noticed that strange area code.

For those who took risks... phone sex was involved. (Let me remind you there were no webcams.)

With 56K, we were excited about the speed:
Be right back, my parents need to use the phone... this was an understanding and those who had two lines were very privelidged.

And with new computers we were capable of flirting confidently:
This is for you: @~~}~~~ 143

143 (I Love You in pager code... not 413 because I'm a FOB)
We were the generation between pager code and LOL.

==

I wonder if any of my readers in their mid 20s to late 20s know what I'm talking about.

I'm sure you remember Sandstorm:

Love Me the Way I Are

At this point, I should be beyond being interested in curious straight guys, guys in the closet, guys who don't really know what they want.

I would like to hold hands with you while walking down the street and lean my head on your shoulder if I sit next to you. I'm so surrounded, so submerged in gay life that ... gay life is... life...

And that feeling of being gay and excited because you're combating social norms has escaped me because being gay has become my social norm.

==

So why do I like straight guys? Guys that would probably suffocate the life style that I have comfortably adapted? Guys that hurt me because they're only there 60% of the time?

"why would you guys like someone who you won't be able to get...is it like liking celebrities?"

In a way, we like what we can never have. Especially when we get a taste.

But at the same time, gay people have discovered that it's more trouble than it's worth. "I'd never date anyone in the closet." Why? Because they are done with that stage of their life, there is no need to return. Gay, Proud... why suffer again to come out?

==

And so... "out" has become a prerequisite. Or at least it should be, but I'm hesitant. I don't want to limit myself to these rules I've garnered made to protect me.... "makes me laugh, tall, successful, culturally conscious, non abusive, honest, at least 21...." I'd rather listen to my foolish heart and fall in love with any bum who's not "right for me." I like my heart to surprise me.

Why do you like him? ... because.... he's him.

And even though I say I like boys who sound funny, who look like cats... any boy who would love me the way I love him would do just fine.... love me the way I are.


... but that's what I say now... before that idiot does something really wrong... then it's back to dating with my eyes open.

(I think I need to reinstall love)

Tolerance & Awkward Boners

Now that you feel empowered... check out these awkward boners.

A Gathering Storm

Hilarious! This ad is definitely promoting Same Sex Marriage because it's SO funny!



"I'm a doctor who might have to obey my Hippocratic oath."
"My organization might lose its government funding due to its discriminatory practices."
"My child will be taught things, and I am too ineffectual a parent to teach them anything of my own."

Are these really the best reasons they could come up with?

==

My mom said that I have bad skin because I haven't had sex with a woman yet. Something about hormones.

Good try mom.

He Cheated on You? Surprise Surprise. That's Life.. Gay Life.

I read a lot of blogs.

AJ's Ramblings is actually one of the more popular ones because his entries are short, easy to read and charming. He recently found out his boyfriend was cheating on him.

Read his devastation here.

You can actually trace his blog back to when he had a girlfriend, got kicked out of his house, got beat up and first had sex ... it's addicting.

I found another blogger who is 29 and has decided that he can no longer suppress his sexual desires. He just started writing and it's already so good. I commented saying that he has a lot to experience and discover the emotional roller coaster that is gay awesomeness.

Basically the stuff that AJ is experiencing right now. His goal is to experience it all within a year before he turns 30. I love it. It's like gay life FAST FORWARD!

==

I feel sort of mean because I'm not sympathizing for AJ. I can only point at him and say, A-HAH! I knew it, I knew it... then shrug my shoulders and pat him on the back, virtually and offer him cookies. "Only suffer for a day AJ and then move on. One day." That's what my mom would say.

I predict that they're going to get back together. New gays are very forgiving... they need each others support; comfort... and love is rare.

==

A friend of mine also discovered that his boyfriend was "sleeping with the community" for an entire month before he found out. *sigh*

I feel like those who experience infidelity understand the emotional damage and mental suffering that's involved. And better/mature later relationships are created because of it. Experienced lovers may be guarded, damaged, difficult, careful... but they make less mistakes.

My first boyfriend said to me, "once a cheater... always a cheater." We were 19 at the time, his words affected me. But I disagree. Once you hurt someone you love, once someone you love hurts you... you become stronger, better... and the less likely you are to make the same mistakes again- being tempted, taking love for granted and/or leaving your heart unprotected.

You have become... an EVOLVED GAY!! 10 Million Experience Points! Pew pew pew!

Unless... there is a deeper issue- a void in your soul. Unless there is a pattern in your failed relationships, like a morbidly obese American Super Sizing their meal everyday etc. etc. then we have a problem... you have an addiction.

==

If I ever got serious with anyone I would say, "please don't cheat on me, tell me you want an open relationship." It was spare both of us the pain. Don't hide the boy, share him.

Do I want an open relationship? No, the only temptations I have are from my straight boy crushes... we'll have to make an agreement.

Let's be honest, if the straight boy is acting curious, you'd be an idiot not to teach him the ways.

=X

==

I haven't seen the 19 year old for a while. I feel like the beginning part of dating has ended and frankly we may be getting a bit bored. Eh- letting it take its "natural course." But his age is becoming more apparent in many ways.

The giant pilloraffe he got me has (temporarily) replaced my need for night time company. I fall asleep much quicker. I love it.

==

We make mistakes. We learn. Just don't get addicted to the poison.

And ID LOVE for you to prove me wrong. Show me a monogamous inexperienced gay couple in their early to mid twenties hitting their year mark and I will raise my eyebrow in pure skepticism (and jealously).