Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Please Press Format

I slept at 3am and woke at 6am "naturally."

I heard noises from upstairs. Wow, I never realized how much earlier my family wakes up compared to me. From the bottom of the staircase I spotted my brother blow drying his hair. "Is mom awake?" "yeah" he pointed to the master bedroom. I crept in and see my mom with a tooth brush in her hand.

"Why are you up? Go to sleep"
"Can you come here?"
"Is everything okay?"

I reached for a hug like a 2 year old who fell at a playground. "What happened?" Her hands were wet so she couldn't hug me back. "Everything is okay." I reassured her myself "I just need a hug."

I remember how much I love hugs. I remember in high school how often I would ask for them from friends and family. It's a comfort that I think humans depend on and would die within days if its existence was absent. I remember Smyr giving me the best hugs ever. It's funny because he doesn't wear cologne anymore, but doesn't need to because his skin/clothes is literally permanently fragrant with Anchorblue cologne that he used to permeate his skin with in high school.

Quite frequently I would would scream that "I wish this day would JUST end." But for what? So I can sleep and do it over again? During sleep, during our dreams and nightmares, our subconscious reorganizes, categorizes useful and useless thoughts that plague our mind...sorts through the reality that has built up through out the day so that we always wake up with a fresh start. Like defragmenting a computer so it could run better the next time you use it.

And without sleep, I'm struggling to organize the files in my mind which exacerbates my pessimistic epiphany that truth is hard to accept:

Take your values. Take everything you believe in and analyze it. Take objects, people, ideas that you base your life around and unravel them; see what's underneath the glory. Expose truth. Open your eyes.

Take your favorite stuffed animal that comforts you and do research. Discover that it was made by children who get pennies a week to make toys they can't hold.

Take your favorite cigarette that calms you down, slims your figure and allows you to be social. And die 30 years earlier than you were supposed to.

Take your favorite fund raiser for Darfur and discover that it went to pay for the War in Iraq.

Take something that you value, love and discover that it was composed of the complete opposite.

It's a reality, it's truth that no one wants to hear because... well ... we live in a please-don't-shit-on-my-ideal-world society. We live in a HOW-ARE-YOU!? That's-GREAT! Bye-NOW! society. And when we realize that every seemingly functional person who is important in our lives is lying through their teeth like the stranger next to them, we sleep it off so that we can plaster a new smile on our face to be appreciated and passed along. "I can't wait for this day to end."

I feel so naive because it felt so good to live with my eyes closed, refusing to be disillusioned. I didn't realize how idealistic I was. How much faith and value and pride I had for something that was a complete lie. How much I was taken advantaged of. How long I've experienced dishonesty. How I've let it hold me back, because it was the best damn tasting bullshit in the world and I missed it. But from now on I'd like my bullshit on the side, so I don't have to scrap it off with a fork.

Luckily, Danity Kane had a first aid kit handy and Anthony graciously made me a Feel Good Mix at 2am.
I love playlists. Please don't take that away from me too.

Last night I only had 3 hours to defragment. And I realize now that I would like to be formatted. No more corrupted files hidden in system folders. Thank you.


dannie said...

aw cute, you asked your mommy for a hug.
i can use a hug right now lol

Karnivalé said...

omggg u write about my hidden thoughts that i can never express. i sometimes surpress the truth in my head about this world koz when i accept them i feel so helpless because koz i can't do anything about the situation.