Navigating an Open Relationship

I told Jimmy that while he's abroad to not feel tied to what he has at home; namely me.  If he wants to experience a country for its food, its culture...  its men that he should go ahead and do so without guilt.  It doesn't bother me because I feel security in our 8 year relationship.  That we want the same things in life and that I will love him forever.  Whatever happens there remains there and that he'll always come home to me.

To this he responded, "WTF, THAT IS NOT WHY I TRAVEL ALONE"

And to this I said, "I know! I'm just letting you know that I'm okay with it."

Two weeks later he comes up to me to say, "Did you make those comments because you want to be in an open relationship?" 

I nodded sheepishly.  "I understand, my baby has needs," he responded perceptively.  And that's how we got here; trying something different, but still trying to navigate it.

With one key rule that he placed: no friends.
...because, you don't shit where you eat.

A logical and complicated ask because I am friends with many people.  I am naturally friendly.  And my approach to humans and relationships has to pivot.

As I navigate this, I come to realize that app-culture is the vehicle to a very transactional way of "connecting" with other men not to mention a huge waste of time. And flirting with an end goal was something I haven't done in a really long time. There are moments I feel like hot shit and other moments I just feel like room temperature shit.  Men become objects hitting physical qualifications that allow you to “get off” and then leave.  Rather than fleeting, it feels direct and hollow.  And the high from the fun is short lived and regretful.

What am I getting out of this?  By repressing my inclination to be friends... I’m not being me.  It makes me feel shitty to have motives when the Chris that people respect, possibly admire, is a Chris that actually cares about being just your friend, to be supportive of what you're trying to achieve in life and introducing you to his community.  And that Chris doesn't take advantage of people and write them off once they’ve served their purpose.

So why did I even suggest it?

... I realize that “my needs” is so obvious and in plain sight because of my predictable one dimensional personality... it's not sex, but rather it's attention; a warm body to hold, a companion to kiss and a human to love.   Things that should only come from Jimmy, and I desperately need more frequently because of my shitty codependency especially while he’s away.

Quite the epiphany... and I feel good about this Sunday thought / self-therapy, because I can be honest  and really understand what the fuck I'm doing, where my mind is at and why I'm behaving this way.  I’m seeking so much attention, playing games, overthinking and creating constructs when it should be kept as simple and dumb as the app.

Before he left for another two week trip he expressed so much concern.  He was worried that I would resent him, but I reassured him that I would never.  I understand his needs just as much as he understands mine and we work on it together to make this relationship last.  I can’t wait for him to come home.

Platonic, Potential, Can We Please Fuck?

A friend of mine told me that he's slept with about half of his friends.  He puts people in buckets: platonic, potential and can we Please fuck?  I told him that I see all of my friends as platonic and he responded that I might be repressing something and not knowing it.  I know many wonderful attractive guys but I'm never tempted, at least in Los Angeles.  I just want to make friends and grow my Gaysian empire creating a community of good people and a supportive network (born in the 80s).  He pointed to the cute guy in the mailroom.  "You wouldn't mess around with him?"  I responded, "I guess I would, but never really thought about it other than 'hey, he's cute, what's his instagram, let me direct message him and invite him to a party" the end.

It made me wonder, am I repressing something?  I think about being affectionate with friends.  A kiss on the cheek, a head in the lap, a long embrace, a short massage.  Platonic, but still showing that you care for each other.  

How does one put friendships into the potential bucket? I thought about the power of cuddling.  The intimacy, the smell, the touch, the warmth and the time.  Can friends cuddle overnight and still sit in the platonic bucket?  Or does it quickly move to potential? When you stay overnight your guard comes down and like someone with a weak immune system you're vulnerable and likely to catch feels.  I recall "hook up" rules in which people emphasize that they would NEVER sleep over if their intention is nothing more than just loveless sex.  Is it because embracing for a long period of time affects our chemistry and you become attached?  While intertwining your limbs, do you inadvertently intertwine your heart strings?  While feeling someone's breath and listening to their heartbeat, does your soul believe that you're holding someone very important to you?    

Kevin sent me this screen grab of me and his partner Huan (my close friend from elementary school) tangled in bed at the New Years party.  Kevin was massaging my thighs and finding my zones.  He described this picture as me and Huan trying to lure him into some more than friends activity.  But what I see is innocent platonic intimacy between friends at a party.  As this short moment with friends ended, I find myself back home with my partner to embrace overnight allowing our souls to blend and our hearts to beat in sync until he overheats and pushes me away.

2019 Thots and Jots

Jimmy usually stays up until 3AM on the living room couch lost in his thoughts, creating art, watching his favorite TV show.  This morning, it's my turn to step away from the warmth of our bed and spend some alone time journaling at 5AM.  After all, I am the early bird and he is a night owl.

I told myself this year that I would be more transparent with my relationship with people.   On the theme of Marie Kondo I told a very old infatuation that I was letting them go and thanked them for the joy that they provided.  I was holding on to this idea of fleeting moments that some would consider beautiful and romantic.  At this point of my life, I've determined it to be more destructive and distracting.  I feel relieved, I feel honest and feel like I had just grab a box of my old college clothes that never fit right and donated them.

He responded, "I'm no dummy" and thanked me for my honesty.  But there was nothing really for him to thank, it was more for me to say good bye to something that didn't exist.

==

It's now 6AM and I have the sudden urge to swim laps.  I want to cleanse myself of this feeling of frustration.  I'm confused as to how people could be so careless; how they can flat out lie to their friends and themselves.

People are selfish, manipulative, disrespectful and oblivious and calling them out is something that I'm not quite good at.  But is it my job to teach?  Being nice is my M.O., but to not be critical of others, to behave like everything is okay, does more harm than good it seems especially when it causes me stress.

I'm seeing that Jimmy can be worse than me - play nice, non-confrontational, everyone is happy.  But it would feel so good just to say it:  You're a dishonest / harmful person who's convinced yourself otherwise lying to people to create this image of yourself that's not true.   You're an insecure disrespectful mess and you don't need to try that hard to make people like you.  You're irresponsible and use your friends to gain social clout and it reeks...etc.  but it's just easier to say.  "Hi... I'm great, how are you?"

The challenge is to be emphatic and ask why.  Is it insecurity?  Is it saving face? Is it fear? And once you understand the root you can forgive while holding on to your own boundaries and values.  But man, people can be really shitty and staying away can seem like the only solution.

==

I’ve been working on my relationships with people.  I apologized to two others for using them; for only reaching out when I needed something.  I thanked my friends who make me laugh, who share their joy and I told them to their face that I appreciate them and what they bring to my life.

==

Towards the end of the year I started to burden myself on checking in with friends.  I allowed myself to listen to people's depression, loneliness, insecurity, trauma without knowing that I've absorbed it all into my body.  I've grown so concerned with people's mental health that I feel like I've forgotten about my own.  But it worries me that my friends are falling a part.  I’ve already experienced a suicide of a close friend and I pray that it doesn’t happen again. 

So for 2019 and for the rest of my life I strive to be..

..transparent with my relationships

..honest with how I'm feeling and express it when appropriate to people who are important

..take care of myself and then take care of others in that order

..(bonus) - spend time with people who bring warmth to my heart and cook meals for me

Okay, crawling back into bed now because the pool is closed.

Make A Wish

Today is my dad's 62nd birthday.

I almost forgot to call him, but my brother sent me a text.  I sent him an early birthday gift a while back, so on the actual day it slipped my mind.

My brother sent me a video of my dad blowing out a candle during dinner in San Jose.  You can see him taking the time to make a wish.  I don't know what he wished for, but I imagine it to be something related to family, health and happiness.

I was going through some texts and found one I sent to Kevin reminding him to get a birthday dessert for Huan during his birthday dinner a few weeks back.  I was being type A and assuming that Kevin would forget his boyfriend duties.  I took the liberty to send obnoxious texts

 For a while I didn't understand why I was so obsessive about "properly celebrating a birthday" during a dinner.  I had always told people that if you don't blow something out, it's just another dinner outing with friends.  We eat out so often that the only way to make it special is by sneaking to the restroom to and make the server rummage for candles and then making everyone sing awkwardly in public and embarrassing the birthday person.  It just HAS to be like that whether the birthday person likes it or not.

Watching this video made me realize that I get it from my dad.  He's sentimental.  He's selfless.  And for the one meal that meant to be for him, he makes sure to make a wish to be thankful for the gifts that life has given him.  He makes sure that for every one of my birthdays I'm at least given a card to make me feel special and loved.  Maybe that's why candle blowing is so important to me.  Because, simply, that's how I was raised: believing that making people feel special is important.

==

A close friend of mine told me that he made his boyfriend cry when he presented a one year anniversary gift.  It was a photo book.  It made me think about how lonely it could being gay.  How hard dating can be.  How selfish and guarded and difficult gay men are.  And rightfully so because growing up gay really fucked with us.   To be able to find a partner that loves you, sacrifices for you, matches you and appreciates you is worth crying about.  I feel like it only gets harder the older we get because we become used to just dating ourselves that we forget how to find room for others.  I have so many single friends that it makes me wonder if most of them have given up on finding a partner and living single is just the life that they've accepted and adapted to.  After all, finding a soulmate to marry is a hetero norm... and why does it have to be a thing?  And that growing old doesn't have to be lonely when you have your chosen family by your side. 

If anything RAGE can turn into the Retired Asian Gay Enclave. 
It's 70+ and half off Ensure powder drinks before 9PM.

Chicken Thighs Save Lives

I feel like I've blogged about this before, but this year I've started to develop a love of cooking for Jimmy. I task Jimmy with finding a recipe.  After work, I head directly to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the night.

I'm learning that chicken thighs save lives: it's cheap, it's delicious, it's moist and it's so easy to cook.  I've compiled the recipes that I've completed on my pinterest board! I've made all those things.  I also make enough for Jimmy to have lunch the next day.

After dinner Jimmy provides me with with so much unsolicited appreciation and affection.  "Thank you baby it was delicious" as if I've achieved some amazing feat. "Let me do the dishes!" He shouts as I put things away.   It's so wonderful and makes me so happy when he responds that way.  Food is love.

He's usually home by 6:30 and dinner is ready.  One time, he came home earlier.  To my excitement he was able to help me like those couples on TV!  I gave him basic instructions and after completing them he just sat down.  I was annoyed.  As if the rest of the meal was going to prepare itself!  I thought about it for a moment, cooking is the last thing he wants to do after work and forcing him wouldn't help.  So I just took a deep breath and made a mess in the kitchen while he scrolled his phone.  He offered to help when I was basically done, (of course.)  He proclaimed how delicious and it amazing it was and gave me a giant kiss.  I compare it to how I never offer to drive.  Driving is the last thing I want to do and he knows this, so he ends up driving us to restaurants and events and always finds amazing parking.  I should show more gratitude for this.  While I can't say Jimmy loves driving all that time, I think it's fair to say that we find balance with things that we don't mind doing for each other.  I feel pretty lucky that we're able to compliment each other in this way.

Cooking has allowed me to become creative with left overs.  I always take home extra rice to make fried rice and recently I turned a box of leftover veggies from a party platter into soup!  No waste ever!  One of the best moments was turning cherry tomatoes into a light marinara for pasta!

I should take better pictures of my creations, but for now... here's an Instastory about my journey with Emeril  Braised Chicken Thighs and tiny hands.

  

Self Care

I consider myself well adjusted. What does that mean exactly? Well, I guess it means that I’m functional, rational, productive. I’m doing quite alright with minimal breakdowns or life emergencies. But then there are moments when I realize that I’m just as crazy, insecure, needy, impulsive, dramatic as everyone else.

It’s a good thing. I’m human.

Lately I feel as though I’ve lost myself. I find myself wasting so much time doing nothing. When I know that having a back to back schedule would keep me happy.  I haven’t planned my weekends or free time well this year, and I’m reminded that planning is what excites me. Thinking ahead gives me something to look forward to. And not doing that is creating great dissatisfaction.

Aside from weekend warrior shit, let’s start with a list of regular weekly actives for the sake of consistency. I love lists.

• Monday: Evening dinner with lost touch friend
• Tuesday
• Wednesday
• Thursday
• Friday
• Saturday: Early morning workout
• Sunday

There’s a problem here. The two days that I have goals are based on times that Jimmy is unavailable to spend time with me.

So maybe we should start there.  Why does my schedule have to be based around him?

After work, I would fill the time by cooking at home for us to save money and eat healthier. Jimmy would show great unsolicited appreciation and affection when I cooked chicken, salmon, curry, steak… etc. and we both lost some weight. It’s a winning activity. But his understandable exhaustion from work + his disinterest in cooking is wearing me down. “How can I help?” he would call out with a tone of reluctance while on the couch in the living room. I was chopping up veggies.

“Come into the kitchen first” I said sharply. He didn’t understand why I was so short. “Wash these vegetables.” What I wanted to say was, “be present first and then I can give you step by step instructions."   He always jumps to do the dishes after - which I love.

Point is -  cooking for him us was something I thought was related to self care, but being a good chef isn't a personal goal and obviously it's not a bonding activity.  So I should find something else.

“Self care, self care, self care.” He says this at least 10 times a week while he watches his foreign films, meditates, exercises, walks around target, edits photo, sees other friends. “I need to take care of myself.” He reminds me as if I’ve forgotten what that means and as if he's asking for my approval and as if I'm suffocating him. Because his happiness is never dependent on anyone else and he feels guilty leaving me to do his own thing. And that’s my problem. I have forgotten what self care means.

I’ve become too dependent on him; doing things that I think would make him happy like cooking, or sleeping in on weekends thinking that it would make me happy: to make us happy.  I'm being too accommodating and revolving myself around my perception of my boyfriend's happiness. And that’s not what SELF care is.  What makes a relationship strong is both compromise and individuality.  And this is probably part of why I’m starting to feel incomplete.

Okay. What activities can I do on my own?  Let's start with blogging. Yes.  Therapeutic.  And with this entry, I already feel better and closer to myself again.

Let’s give this list another try

• Monday: Evening dinner with lost touch friend
• Tuesday: Organize pictures and cook 
• Wednesday: Exercise, Plan the weekend: hikes, beach plans, road trips
• Thursday: Go to a new restaurant with or without Jimmy
• Friday: Movie Nights on the projector
• Saturday: Early morning workout
• Sunday: Volunteer somewhere. Blog about the week. Write Yelp reviews. Read LA Eater

Looks more complete. 2017 starts with April 1.  Let's go!

Dating Friends

In my quest to being independent, I defaulted to going to Echo Park Lake to spend time with myself.  I had a picnic blanket, a book and a warm LA day.  I had exhausted my contact list and said to myself that I need to learn to be alone - finally.  I found a spot and enjoyed watching a lesbian couple play catch with a softball.  I noticed two gaysian boys sitting a few meters away who turned out to be my friend Jon and his friend visiting from Australia.

My effort at solitude was foiled and I was relieved. We talked about family, life, the difference between Australia and the US, relationships and the Aussie recommended the book "The Course of Love by Alain de Botton.   He shared a quote, "he will need to learn that love is a skill and not an enthusiasm."  The author also talks about how when we hurt our lovers, it usually isn't malicious but because we are hurting ourselves etc. etc.

This is something that we should be aware of.  To this Jon said, "well Chris, I feel that you're pretty self aware."   Maybe too aware as I talked about being 90% extrovert to the group... again. I expressed interest in the book because reading isn't a group activity.

The Aussie also talked about "The Family Law" which is the Aussie version of "Fresh Off the Boat" It's based off the life a Chinese-Australian who's basically the gaysian version of David Sedaris.  OF COURSE I became interested.

==

I ended up having dinner with the Aussie without Jon where we walked about 2 miles to get a burger because these "real" city people really love walking.  He got nostalgic and recounted 2 years of his life being lonely in LA.  He lived without a car, he jumped from house to house never having a lease.  He always had a book and sunglasses in a bag. He was free, but his time in LA expired.

As we got to know each other, I said to him that sometimes I feel like I miss dating.  The uncertainty.  The art of flirting, but playing hard to get.  The science of overthinking and over calculating.  The feeling of being attractive, valuable, wanted. The balance of obsessing and being cool.  The frustration of eventually asking, "what are doing?!" I don't play video games, but I remember that I enjoyed playing the dating game because it made me feel human.  But maybe not as much as some of my friends who are notorious serial daters.  Some folks seeing 5 different guys casually within a week and others in many 1 year relationships back to back.

"Oh god.  You're not missing much."  The Aussie responded in his mesmerizing accent.  He told me a few horror stories, but the point is at 33, he has no more time for that bullshit.

At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and email and I basically walked him to the door of his AirBnB.  For a moment I humored the thought that I had just completed a really nice "date" where the conversation was fluid, the feeling of getting to know a stranger was present, and a connection was made beyond finding commonalities like going down a checklist.

It's a problem when your dating pool is the same as your friend pool and you have to constantly question if the person was just being friendly.  Which I always am because #extrovert.  It's also a really tiny pool.  A friend of mine was dating two guys who then turned out to be friends.  Terrible.

But of course, it wasn't a date.  Two things have to happen for it to be a date - someone treats and you don't talk about your current boyfriend Jimmy for about a quarter of the time.  As we separated, I started to think about which thirsty friend of mine would like him the most and how I now have a housing option in Australia!

He texted me this morning with a selfie in front of the taco stand we talked about.  If this was following a date, then he just threw the ball into my court and it was up to me to respond or reject. I humored my imagination and I began to feel this false "enthusiasm."  This could potentially be a back and forth, overthought ambiguous exchange that takes so much time and energy and that most single people in their 30's are tired of having to do.  But of course, he was being friendly, just as I was and I jumped out of the hypothetical.  I switched over to Jimmy's text window and told him that I'm bringing home salad for him.

He responded gratefully and lovingly, "Thank you babyy!"   Like he does... every time.   




==

I re-read my post about sex positivity in the gaysian community and man, do I sound uber naive.  About 10 of my SF friends participated in Folsom this year.  Not just spectated, but actually dressed up with harnesses and skin.  What a sheltered bubble that I live in.

Living for my friend's heels

Break Up Season

Two years ago I wrote about being surrounded by gay couples.

It was an optimistic post that declared that gay long term relationships actually exists and that I have something to look forward to in the long run.  Two years later a 3rd of those couples that I mentioned in that post has broken up.  What's odd is that they all broke up at the same time ringing in 2015 painfully awkward, yet they all seemed to be reprogrammed to start new projects that are focused on self accomplishments.

Is there an expiration date?  Is there something in the air?

3 month mark - Superficial Reasons
6 month mark - Substantial Reasons
3 year mark - Start Over. New Chapter. Refocus. 
6 year mark - Shit.

It seems like for relationships there are time markers during which couples or individuals really reevaluate.  Maybe instead of celebrating anniversaries with Jimmy I should be celebrate passing these markers.  But as we get older, it really is an accomplishment.



How does it make me feel?

I feel like I should be more concerned and upset that I actually am.  I feel like my optimism has taken a blow and I should be protesting, but I've come to accept it as a reality.  Maybe it's because gay men challenge themselves to prove that they are better than what society expects them to be.  And this requires them to constantly reevaluate their achievements, relationships and life goals.

Anyway, I'm currently obsessed with Oliver Hampton from How to Get Away with Murder.  When they first introduced him, I rolled my eyes because he was a stereotype Asian character: nerdy, weak, taken advantage of... but as the show progressed the writers really fleshed out the relationship.  The latest scene got my emotions all tangled up.  And Oliver got so cute so fast. Of course I'm following the actor Conrad Ricamora on instagram.




Take it slow Oliver... but check-in in 6 months.


I haven't watched TV in years. I refer to youtube to find programing that includes Asian Americans.

Mass media seems to only include people look and think like you, but if you walk the footsteps of an Asian you'll learn things you never knew you never knew...

Fresh of the Boat is hilarious.   Let's make it through one season, that's all I ask.

Mine

This is a candid picture that Darnell shot of us at a house warming party.  I smother Jimmy with a lot of love and affection... I think because he smells so good that I like to rub my face into his.

I'm really proud of him - a new job, a new sense of confidence, ambition and inspiration to improve his wardrobe and work on photo projects.  All of which make him a better person.  His new attitude draws me closer to him and I am utterly thrilled. He's buying me dinners and found me a great Ben Sherman shirt from the Thrift Shop that I love.  And by doing so he's showing me how much he's appreciated my support through the two years we've been together.

Straight people have asked me, is he "the one." ... are we going to spend the REST of our lives together?  I don't know, he doesn't know.  It doesn't matter.

I've realized lately that I have no timeline.  No sense of urgency to buy a house, get married, have a family at certain deadlines.  And I feel like this is common among gay people - not necessarily career wise because face it.. who really run the world?  Gays... well white gays, but gays nonetheless.  But in regards to relationships and settling down, partying like you're in your 20s carry into your 30s into your 40s into your 50s... because you can't get married anyway, because gay life is fun and there's no rush.  And if you're lucky enough to have a companion that you adore doesn't mean you're going to marry him... we're not u-haul lesbians how ever we do live together.

I'm not completely out to my family yet.  Jimmy is just starting a career that he might be able to build on.  There's so many factors that indicate that where I am now in my career, in my relationship, in my life is where I'm supposed to be.  No rush to be anywhere else.

And the moments I spend with Jimmy are mine... regardless of what the future looks like.

Gay Couples

Ernesto sent out an email to in Jimmy and me to join him in some friendly competition couple vs. couple on CityRice Urban Adventure Hunts.  I suggested to invite other gay couples and realized... I know a lot of gay couples!

To all the early 20 something year olds who constantly complain about the gay community and how slutty and uncommitted everyone is... it's not a gay thing.. it's a early 20s thing (an epiphany).  We enter different life stages and eventually the clubbing and hooking up activities turn into settling down.  Eventually.... or you can be in your 40's hitting up WeHo, Castro, Boystown, South End, Wilton Manors, Greenwich Village with your favorite cocktail and a new friend every weekend... gay people are never alone when they have their gay village. Or maybe couples just hang out with couples and I've found them all. (That would be sad.)

I went ahead and gathered pictures of all my gay couple friends, all of which have been together for more than a year.  Danster and Peter have hit the 6 year mark?  Anthony and Chris are talking adoption. Eric and Chris are sharing a mortgage.  Dang... talk about growing up...

And to our single friends, I'm sorry that you've been the 3rd, 5th and even 7th wheel... but thanks for taking pictures for us.  We'll be using those pictures for the Valentine's Day card we'll be sending you!

"If You’re Not Single, You Shouldn’t Act Single"

I caved and bought the Nexus 7 tablet.  I feel ridiculous having so many pieces of technology, but each one really does serve a specific function with substantial overlap. Was that a contradiction?  I lucked out when an Office Depot manager sold me the 32 Gig for the price of a 16 Gig.  He matched the price for some generous reason, but I stepped out of the store feeling as though I had shoplifted.  The $50 savings validated the purchase even further.

While traveling for work, I discovered the wonders of reading blogs offline on my new toy using a tablet case I found at the Dollar Store.  The savings just don't stop.  Through Google Currents my favorite blogs are downloaded for consumption without connection.  Recommended to me was Thought Catalog which I've enjoyed on my entire plane ride/wait at the airport.  The entries are short and clever and perfect for my attention span.

I found a very interesting entry that was very thought provoking by Christopher Hudspeth about folks who act single when they aren't.  ARTICLE HERE.

"In a technologically savvy generation, we regularly see shitty boyfriends and girlfriends do disrespectful things with phones and computers..."

Though not limited to technology, but going out as well.

A month ago I deleted Grindr and Jack'd - very popular gaydar apps that locate horny/curious men around my lat/long.  My profile read, "Committed - looking for friends."  It was a boredom app and though I never met up with anyone I did make friends with this random Korean guy who was interesting to me since he knew secret spots in K-town.  I've since forgot his name.

...but this is problematic.  I have friends and most importantly I have a boyfriend.  Why am I on this app?  Why are so many gay people in relationships still using this app?  I believe it's due to a curiosity, a gay-riousity that stems from our childhood when we saw our first penis.  It's interesting to see gay people in close proximity; who else is a part of our exclusive deviant sexually driven club living a double secret life?  There's a social-ness and curiosity part of being gay that keeps us logged in.

I think that making friends is easy when you're gay.  Like black people who gravitate toward each other at work - in addition to the secret language and common life experience, minorities cling to each other to forge against the mass.  Gays in particular stick together and become "best friends" in the shortest period of time through apps and mutuals because potential friends are also potential hookups are also potential boyfriends.... and potential resources.  For me, though gay friends come and go, new gay friends mean - shared knowledge of hidden parts of the city, connections to low key events and my favorite, watching them stir the pot when my friends see fresh meat.

Though that sounds innocent (in my head and as my own personal justification), there's still a problem.  The guys I'm looking at are also the ones I find attractive. There's still an element of intrigue; I'm still checking people out no matter how platonic my intensions may seem.  And that's the irony that Condescending Wonka points out.

I'm not single, I shouldn't act single and though it has always been a hobby of mine to make gay friends, connect gay friends, normalize gayasianess I've decided that I should work on being a better boyfriend instead of making friends through apps that are clearly not meant for "making friends."

I Just Wanted to Let you Know

This photo has been on my phone background for a while and I thought that it was time I posted it on my blog since it's one of my favorite pictures.  We were wandering the Disney Concert hall on a random Saturday and this lady approached us and asked if we wanted her to take a picture for us.

But instead of taking a quick photo, she evaluated the surroundings, squatted a little to get the best angle and asked us to move a little closer to the tree.  *click*  She redefined what it means when you ask a stranger, "could you please take a picture for us?"  She did a bigger favor and created something that I will eventually frame.

==

I invited Jimmy to my cousin's wedding and introduced him to my family.  "This is Jimmy, he's my 'roommate'."  I tilted my head, lifted my hands and quoted "roommate" with a cheeky grin.  My cousins chuckled and I felt really satisfied for being honest.  It was easier than I thought.  He met my aunts and uncles.  It felt amazing to bring a date.  Earlier in day I was stressed because I didn't think he had presentable attired, but then I realized he had everything he needed to "impress" my family and that was being someone that made me, their cousin, happy.  They loved him immediately for that.

There was a lake near by and we rented this absurd paddle boat after the wedding.  We paddled in circles for 30 minutes around obnoxious privileged white girls celebrating their 12th birthdays.

I demanded that we captured the moment and found someone on shore.  I didn't care that I could have dropped my camera in the water, I flung my electronic to the stranger.  They were more than eager and we posed in our wedding guest attire.  *click* This will also be framed.

==

This morning Jimmy jolted out of bed.  "FUCK! THERE'S SUNLIGHT!"

I responded, "you don't have work today."  And he sank back into my arms, relieved.  On the weekdays Jimmy works the early morning shift.  If there is sunlight when he wakes up he knows he's screwed.

He's like a vampire.

This photo was taken by one of our friends.  We fell asleep in their living room and they snapped the picture and sent it to my phone inconspicuously.  Jimmy finds himself in my nook.  And I find myself holding his hand if his body is too sweaty to hold.

==

I think Jimmy's absurdly handsome.  I catch myself gazing into his eyes and poking his button nose.  I love the scar on his face that creates a fake dimple.  I like the stretch marks on his shoulders because I think they make him look like a super hero.  I love farting in his presence because it makes him cringe and I respond, "what's wrong? my butt wanted to blow you a kiss."

I love that we are trying our best to live positively without the glamor that is stereotyped by LA.  I love that we reinvent left overs and explore new areas of LA. Nothing goes to waste - food OR time.  I love that he is artistic and humbled by an impoverished upbringing and doesn't mind my bad taste in clothes or poor driving skills.  I love that he acknowledges that we are both trying to be better people.

And I thought it was about time that I let you know that:

You're More Likable if You're Single

Single
I've been single for 3 years and getting into a relationship has not been a smooth transition as I thought it would be.  But why would it be considering the circumstances?

I met someone from OkCupid and thought it would be a good idea to bring the boy along to meet him. I figured that if we were to both meet the OkCupid guy at the same time, it was as if we were BOTH making a new friend... expand our circle.  Too bad I failed to mention to the boy that we were meeting up with someone from OkCupid... the dating site... not the friendship site. (Shit, my bad).

"I feel like I'm a third wheel on your date with this guy," the boy said over the live jazz music.  I thought this was ridiculous, I knew as little about the OkCupid guy as he did. If anything, the OkCupid guy should have felt like a third wheel.  In my mind, we were both making an effort to make a new friend.  The OkCupid guy was trying to make conversation with the boy, but was quickly shot down with one word answers.  I didn't understand what the problem was. If I was the boy I would have done my best to interrogate this stranger from this random site and tell him to get off of my MAN's balls.  We left early, the boy was hurt, the mood was killed.  But I loved the jazz club... and couldn't enjoy it.

"You didn't introduce me as your boyfriend," the boy added.  I stumbled to explain myself, but then the boy told to me what my subconscious was thinking.  "Chris, you didn't introduce me as your bf because you wanted to seem single.  People think they are likeable when they are single."

I thought about it.  It was true.

When you're single you are free to meet random boys and experience random things.  Whether it turned into something, into nothing, it doesn't matter.  You tag along to their daily life and discover more about your city.  When you're single you can explore other people without feeling guilty because you should be home with your man.  You discover new foods, new venues... a random Live Jazz Jam session in Chinatown!!!  So I felt like I needed to come off as single in order to not miss out on any of these things.

For the sake of new friends or not, it doesn't matter - the boy knew it and explained my actions negating my justifications immediately.  I wanted to be single... I've been doing it for so long.

==
Caveat
Before I continue, if you're my friend, don't tell me you read this blog because this is my therapist and I refuse to start an anonymous blog.  Acknowledge the blog wall, I'm tired of inhibited writing. 

==

Relationship
Last night we got into another spat that was related.  I questioned whether or not I wanted this-  The stress, expectation, insecurities, obligations of being in a relationship.  I had forgotten about all of this having been gallivanting for so long.

It made me realize that you can't just jump into a relationship.  It made me realize that "In a Relationship," carries a lot of weight that people in general are not willing to accept so they make other categories:

But it also made me realize the people are too eager to jump ship when they hit a hurdle.

I am in a relationship and that means I am willing to work on developing something that can potentially become amazing and fulfilling.

You don't just get into a relationship, you work on a relationship.  And that's what I agreed to when he asked me to be my boyfriend.  So we did just that - worked it out.  Communicated. Understood.

You feel so good in my arms.  I will always introduce you as my boyfriend and any "opportunity" I miss because of it wouldn't feel as good without you there.

Koala

He told me he likes my cheeks.
I told him I like his nose.

We baby talk and it's wonderfully disgusting.  Everything we say to each other starts with W's like -

"Wow was war way Boo boo?"  God, its adorably revolting. 

I told him that I knew that I like him because I let his feet touch my body.  I think feet are disgusting... unless it belongs to someone I'm dating.  If it's someone I'm just sleeping with, when their feet touch my calves I jolt away.... it's gross. 

When I see him, I put my arms around his shoulders then lift one leg at a time onto his hips until he is forced to carry me.  "KOALA!" I scream.

When ever I kiss him, he makes this face that I can recognize immediately.

I don't have to do much to get to know him because well... he's a friend.  A friend that I've always had a crush on.  I like staring into his eyes until he gets embarrassed and looks away or leans forward for a kiss.

When we were cuddling the other night he turned to me in mid-sleep and said, "i love you" and started to snore.  I told him in the morning and he was embarrassed.  "You must have been 'WTF'" he proclaimed. 

I responded, "actually I held you tighter... and said it back."  But then I realized that I could have dreamt the entire thing. I just became the first person to consciously say/admit to the "l" word.  "I really like you" was sufficient.  Great... I was hopping to say it on more of an occasion.

He's helped me keep my New Years resolution of cooking more by essentially cooking for me and as I'm writing this all out I'm beginning how typically fast this is going. 

I am more excited than anything to change my facebook relationship status for the first time ever....  I WANT A FUCKING HEART TO SHOW UP NEXT TO MY NAME ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED!

Ern said to me, "you guys went straight to domestic." I'm a U-Haul Lesbian apparently.

I guess, when everything just feels right, you just go at gay-warp speed and hope everything works out.  Cuz feeling "right" is hard to come by.  So frustrated with the dating pool and frustrated with ourselves that we become...

• Serial Daters
• Mega Sluts
• Introverted

 ...and when something that "feels right" comes along you hold onto it as tight as possible like a Koala on Eucalyptus.  

But I didn't initially feel this way especially since I've been a proponent of "free love."  AKA  Dating/Whoring around for the sake of gaining different experience from different people.

True or False: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

False

I think for gay folks in particular we experience a lot when we first come out - first love and sexual exploration. It feels so good to no longer feel alone, but it also feels amazing to get all this attention when you first come out. "New gays," are definitely highly targeted in a community that is exhausted with the same faces that continue to form links with one another. Thus with first love comes first mistake. You don't know what you're doing... understandably. You're young.

Cheating is a mistake, but like falling off a bike the first time you ride it, it's essential in making you the best bicyclist you could possibly be. You know the moves, the speed, the balance for the perfect ride/relationship, but after the fall you understand the pain and what went wrong so that you can avoid it in the future.

But I guess the question really is - do cheaters really learn? I feel that most do. Youngins cheat because they are still learning and growing, but people well integrated in the community cheat because there is a problem with the relationship that they are unable to communicate. With that said, i think a more interesting question is.. WHY do people cheat?

Just because they've cheated in the past doesn't mean that they are destined to never be commited. I give slack to new gays to make mistakes and optomistically believe they have grown from it. (Even though it seems so UNforgivable and ghastly). For folks who find themselves cheating over and over again there is a larger issue at hand. Possibly that they are sex hungry and argue that they are capable of seperating sex from emotion (which lots of gays would agree with.. its like masturbating with a friend.)

So I would say:
Once a sex hungry fiend always a sex hungry fiend. But even that you eventually grow out of.

Give the “cheater” a chance, but protect yourself at the same time (they still may be a sex fiend). Be realistic, mature and understanding. But when it comes to it I prefer being in an open relationship than being cheated on because it means being honest.  And who knows maybe you will be the one to turn that “notorious cheater” around - statisfying them emotionally and sexually.

Ask me anything