I Met a Boy Last Night at West Hollywood...

...and he was so fucking needy and whiney, I wanted to shoot myself.

"You're not going let me wait in line by yourself are you?"
"You're going to walk me out right?"

You're an adult, gawd!

But really he wasn't. I felt like I was surrounded by 19 year olds. (Rage is 18+) Hah hah, yeah just my type right Joe, MoNy, Szeto? NO! I'm done with children!

I feel like a large number of the gay population grow up at a very slow rate. Their concept of a mature relationship doesn't develop until they make a shitload of mistakes and even then they don't learn. Their sense of acting on animal instinct: seeking sex, declaring needs, desiring immediate gratification etc has yet to be filtered by what is and is not appropriate. Their PARTY phase is extensive. And for me, I obviously haven't grasp the idea of what it means to work.

Even with 3 shots and a margarita in my system, I didn't find comfort that I usually do. I didn't know anyone and the people I did know were preoccupied with their own well established cliches... or eating face. So I wandered the streets observing people.

Nameless faces:


Except Jason! And my new... JOKER Face.


Nice folks


==

I'm falling in love with LA, but I'm hating the gay scene as I mention in my passed WeHo blog entry. I think in LA, I am disconnected to the scene, but in actuality it is better because all I have been doing is gay things.

I miss Bay Area gays, my boys and Crema: the coffee shop that we have been recently congregating at for the passed two months before I moved.

The excitement of being in a new place is going to die down next week when I move to somewhere further from the office, when I stop getting invitations from reconnected friends, when I have no one to talk to...and this is why I need to live with a someone. Thanks everyone for calling me, texting me and IMing me. I miss you guys.

Problem Solved

The 19 Year Old told me about some muscle dude with an MBA and nice butt that likes him. He told me he likes him back etc etc.

And for some strange reason, I felt a rush of jealousy. Like when your body gets warm and your heart beats irregularly.

I couldn't understand why I was reacting in such a way until my friend told me that I had feelings for him. Me? Have feelings for the 19 Year Old?!? No...

I just liked the attention the 19 Year Old was giving me. He made me feel attractive while I felt uncomfortable and awkward in my own skin. (You know.. my awkward twenties)

"Those.. are feelings Chris."

An epiphany. My friend was right... though I brushed them off as trivial, they were indeed a sort of "feeling" that I had for the 19 year old... and this is why I was getting jealous.

Well, with that mystery solved. I took a shower and got over it. Problem solved. Stupid Dangerous 19 year old.

I'm Feeling Rin on the Rox. Go Bay Area Asian American Talent:

Cancer Needs to Go Away.

Cancer lingers like a bad fart.

Pictures of my cousin Michelle celebrating life really makes me smile.

==

The list of individuals searching for a match grows.

==

I feel like Leukemia is strategic. Leukemia plays that game and selects beautiful people of different communities to devour... resulting in large movements.

To my knowledge Project Michelle found two matches for other patients, but not Michelle.

While we Help Tami, Save Saret, Help Gaurav, Team Matthew we aren't saving that particular person, but rather we are saving ourselves from the Cancer of our society.

Because only when you attach a name does it matter...."Save A Life" means nothing. Save [Insert Someone You Love Here].org means everything...

==

I discovered a 19 year old blogger just passed away. He broke his leg while jogging and they discovered bone cancer. He proceeded to catch pneumonia and then passed away.

19.. seriously just a kid.

==

In this cynical entry. I predicted that 19 year old AJ would get back with his first boyfriend after a conversation where they put "everything" on the table. I hella Called it! BAM!!!

Man, gay stories aren't exciting when you know what's going to happen. I guess people tend to follow the same path... we are all the same. But I suspect that allows us to be capable of making such theories and life altering predictions.... in hopes of being better.

The 19 Year Old Brings Out The 19 Year Old in Me

The kid asked me to go eat.
He threw bad directions at me and walked off. I was getting annoyed cuz I thought he was rude.
I called him to tell him that the directions he had given me were wrong.
He responded that I lacked common sense.

I started to argue.. "i dont lack common sense, you gave me bad directions!"

He responded, "Why are you being a little bitch?"

I responded, "I'm going home." And I ditch our dinner plans.

==

I'm going to Psycho-Analyze myself and diagnose two potential problems.
1. I am innately prideful and don't take verbal abuse well
2. My past relationships have created distinct nerves and buttons and that instead of making stronger have made me overly sensitive to particular statements and situations.

I'm thinking it's the combination of the two. A little bio and social influences that have made incapable looking pass meaningless words and reactions.

==

"Where are normal people who just happen to be gay?" Ironically, we are just as fucked up as the gay person next to us that we hate so much.

Folks who make bold statements:
"I live a drama free life." I find these folks to be the most dramatic
"Where are all the masculine gay people." I find these folks not to be so masculine themselves
"I'm so tired of the community." I find these folks to be the most recognized in the community.
"I'm over it...totally." I find these folks... not even close to being over it.

But in actuality things that we don't like about other people... are actually things we don't like about ourselves. So what about me?

I say... "trust no one." When... I'm probably the most trusting, vulnerable person ever. I'd like to be in a mature relationship because I claim to have been through enough of it. But I have yet to really grow up... I'm still 19.

==

So while trying to be better than our peers, the first step is being better than ourselves... and to realize that essentially, we are all the same.



"If I'm Ugly, then So Are You"

He Cheated on You? Surprise Surprise. That's Life.. Gay Life.

I read a lot of blogs.

AJ's Ramblings is actually one of the more popular ones because his entries are short, easy to read and charming. He recently found out his boyfriend was cheating on him.

Read his devastation here.

You can actually trace his blog back to when he had a girlfriend, got kicked out of his house, got beat up and first had sex ... it's addicting.

I found another blogger who is 29 and has decided that he can no longer suppress his sexual desires. He just started writing and it's already so good. I commented saying that he has a lot to experience and discover the emotional roller coaster that is gay awesomeness.

Basically the stuff that AJ is experiencing right now. His goal is to experience it all within a year before he turns 30. I love it. It's like gay life FAST FORWARD!

==

I feel sort of mean because I'm not sympathizing for AJ. I can only point at him and say, A-HAH! I knew it, I knew it... then shrug my shoulders and pat him on the back, virtually and offer him cookies. "Only suffer for a day AJ and then move on. One day." That's what my mom would say.

I predict that they're going to get back together. New gays are very forgiving... they need each others support; comfort... and love is rare.

==

A friend of mine also discovered that his boyfriend was "sleeping with the community" for an entire month before he found out. *sigh*

I feel like those who experience infidelity understand the emotional damage and mental suffering that's involved. And better/mature later relationships are created because of it. Experienced lovers may be guarded, damaged, difficult, careful... but they make less mistakes.

My first boyfriend said to me, "once a cheater... always a cheater." We were 19 at the time, his words affected me. But I disagree. Once you hurt someone you love, once someone you love hurts you... you become stronger, better... and the less likely you are to make the same mistakes again- being tempted, taking love for granted and/or leaving your heart unprotected.

You have become... an EVOLVED GAY!! 10 Million Experience Points! Pew pew pew!

Unless... there is a deeper issue- a void in your soul. Unless there is a pattern in your failed relationships, like a morbidly obese American Super Sizing their meal everyday etc. etc. then we have a problem... you have an addiction.

==

If I ever got serious with anyone I would say, "please don't cheat on me, tell me you want an open relationship." It was spare both of us the pain. Don't hide the boy, share him.

Do I want an open relationship? No, the only temptations I have are from my straight boy crushes... we'll have to make an agreement.

Let's be honest, if the straight boy is acting curious, you'd be an idiot not to teach him the ways.

=X

==

I haven't seen the 19 year old for a while. I feel like the beginning part of dating has ended and frankly we may be getting a bit bored. Eh- letting it take its "natural course." But his age is becoming more apparent in many ways.

The giant pilloraffe he got me has (temporarily) replaced my need for night time company. I fall asleep much quicker. I love it.

==

We make mistakes. We learn. Just don't get addicted to the poison.

And ID LOVE for you to prove me wrong. Show me a monogamous inexperienced gay couple in their early to mid twenties hitting their year mark and I will raise my eyebrow in pure skepticism (and jealously).

Me = Zero

I like it when I can feel their heart race when I cuddle with boys.
I would like to makeout because you have a lip ring and I want to see how that works.

Would things get caught? What if I had braces?

I don't want to make the first move because I'd feel sleazy...
"I should go." Plus slow movements = "Hurry the FUCK up and make the move on me already."

This is such a game. Me = Zero

==

There is ONLY so much you can have together at 19.

I know what I was like when I was 19.

==

The forbidden fruit boy is back in town and I can only think of him sexually. Our conversations are sexual... even though he is a bad bad man.

I guess when you meet new people, you assign them roles... and lately I've been handing out intimate friend cards because I guess that's what "I'm looking for."

Some Non- Filipino Singers!

I like this for some reason:



Got this from Matt! OMG, his voice tripped me out.
And he's a cute.. dangerous 19 year old. Watch out.



Hehe, and just because it made me laugh:

About Sluts, being 19 and Downelink

The opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.
Hate is a derivative of love.

Nothing hurts more than apathy... at least when you hate, there are feelings involved.

==

A friend said some interesting things regarding boys including the above quote...

Slut or Not to Slut? That is the question.
Simply put- Just do it, but don't regret it. And others shouldn't hate you for it. Unless it was with their boyfriend. Which seems to be an issue in our "community." But my friend has no sympathy for those who complain about not being able to find love when they don't let love happen (because their too busy sucking/fucking on the first night out.)

My friend said he had a list of guys he's been with... and had issues with remembering half of their names. I said, I had a list and I put them into categories, "YOU HAD ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO CATEGORIZE THEM?!" Well... at least I know their names!

My friend also told me that he didn't need sex anymore. I laughed and responded, "I say the same thing... but I have a feeling you mean it more than me." We're probably jaded by our past unashamed sexcapades.

My friend said that he's the type of guy that boys fall in love with. (HAH!) And I thought to myself... I'm the type of guy that becomes your friend. =T Which is just fine with me.

==

I found a CD labeled: "SHOW NO ONE" on the top of my family computer. It was my handwriting. I popped it in my computer and I found... you guessed it. Pictures in the shower... funny thing- it wasn't pictures of me in the shower. =X

God, I'm so careless.

==

Being 19

I was chatting with this 27 year old and I fell to the floor when he said he wasn't out to some of his Christian friends and that he focused on school while he was college. WOW! A "new gay" in his late 20's! HOW RARE!

I'd say the magic number is 19.
When you're 19, you're young and beautiful and horny... but romantic. You get your first boyfriend and you cheat on him. You're EMO because you really did love him and you're a better boyfriend the second time around because it's "out of your system."

19 is when you make the transition from being BI to full on fabulous, fierce and/or if-you-like-it-then-you-should-have-put-a-ring-on-it. Being gay is fun and the community is supportive. You fuck everything and everyone and it's okay because all of your friends are cute and 19 and equally horny. You discover alcohol and it's tool. Sleeping over means messing around and and sex is so fucking easy. And you're proud that all of a sudden you get all this attention. You chat and meet up with new people as if you're meeting your best friend. It feels soooo good and all you want is more more more more. You collect gay friends like you're collecting pokemon and you can't get enough because it's so fun... and "who you are."

19. Is a dangerous age.
(or rather, when I was 19, I was dangerous)

==

Downelink.com/letopho

For those of you who didn't experience that, well then you experience other things at a different time. You are more attractive for it or less attractive for being inexperienced.

But aren't guys with 50 downelink friends more attractive then guys with 200?
I'd delete some, but man it's sort of like a reference.

"Wow, you have a lot of friends Chris." Well yeah, cuz I've been collecting since I was 19. "So this is how you meet guys?" Well no, it's more like a follow up tool. You meet someone new, and then you find them on downelink. At least now it is.

BTW: I hate guys that set their profile to private. What's the point?! Seriously... the only people looking at chu are other gay folks. It's DOWNELINK... you're already on the "downe low" why heighten more security. Lame. Now that duuuude who thought you were cute will have a difficult time finding you... and be even more deterred from sending you a message.

Stupid stupid people.

==

I met my first boyfriend on XY.com and then my second on face-pic.com... maybe my third will come from match.com or eHarmony (as I am a more mature man.. hah!).

And it's frustrating. Why can't I meet my 3rd boyfriend at Borders? I imagine our first kiss to be like this:



Heh heh. Beautiful... but I don't mind having fun for a little while longer. I think my libido is coming back.

What's MY Secret?!?!

I showed a picture of my Ex to Michelle and she said, "WOW Chris, HOW do you manage to date such cute boys?!?! What's your secret!?!" (I know right? how do I, your resident loser, manage to date such attractive guys? I'm SURE you're dying to know too!!!)


Ryan at the Castro 08/08, Eric at Pride 06/08, Chris at Andersen Bakery 12/07

And then she saw this picture, "OHHH!! THIS IS YOUR SECRET!!"

That's right people! Everyone LOVES a 23 year old bum on a bicycle. SEXY!
OH yeah! Check out my PIMP ride that I borrowed from MoAny's sister! Boys can't get their hands off me as I pedal down the block! And of course, I'm all about safety!

Oh and I hang out with people who can sing!



===================
FYI. Ryan was my first, we dated for 2 months when I was 18 or 19, he gave me my first kiss. Eric was more of a fling/mistake. And of course Chris who defined my college life.

I'm still talking to James. I'd say we dated for 2 weeks before he abandoned ship. And he's quite frank with me saying that he doesn't want to watch movies or go eat (cuz that would be dating)... he just wants to kiss me. Part of me feels objectified, but I guess it's mutual because I like kissing him too (and doing other things.) Though I feel like I've regressed.

..because I'm a gay stereotype.

Mess around in a park? Mess around in a car?

The other night, James and I found an empty business lot and got down to business. Soon after, security caught us and parked right next to his car, but not completely adjacent so that we can shameless escape the situation without any sort of awkward verbal communication. "We have some gay activity here in lot 73," I imagined security saying into their walkie talkie. "What do I do?!?!" James was freaking out, but I'm sure security didn't know what to do either, "just pull up your pants (and do the rockaway) and start the car. Don't make eye contact, they just want us to leave." I sounded like a pro. Well, because I've been caught before with Ryan.

I tried to sneak him into my house, but my parents were downstairs. Though, if it were up to me, I would just introduce him to my parents and then head straight to my room saying we are going to watch a movie. Simple. And then he can walk out shirtless and say hi to my mom, "don't mind me, I'm just getting a glass of water."

I felt ridiculously lame. How old are we? Do we have to be sneaking around? I don't like having to hide, because I'm not ashamed. I don't like messing around in a car because that represents high school. I going to vow not to let myself take any more steps backwards.

I know better. I ride a fucking bicycle damn it! Go Green!
==========================

There's a lot of hype with the Olympic Opening Ceremony. Aren't you sad you missed it?
Then why don't you download the reasonable quality torrent you lamer?

And play this game: http://www.mazapan.se/games/BurnTheRope.php

Crying because u can't be with some u love

Apparently I make the boys in my life cry.

Everyday we wake up and look at ourselves in the mirror and only then can we see an honest reflection of everything that we hate/love about ourselves; about our lives. For a mere second we are stripped and realize the world that we live in maybe not as perfect as we had wished.

The boy that I had, the boy that I have and the boy that want have openly told me that I have made them cry. Because they hurt me, I hurt them or they hurt themselves... and I feel like such an asshole because I can only respond with an arrogant... *shrugs*

I've already done this. I cried over my first boyfriend. I cried until I my eyes were bone dry when I was 19 years old...

And because of him, I never cry over boys no matter how 'hurt' I may feel... I maintain guarded and reserve my energy for dancing because no one gets hurt when you dance... unless you are waving your limbs violently.

Stimulate 10% of My Body

Yesterday's DUI Class was, again, interesting.

We watched a really cheesy British video on how alcohol affects our mind. It was a very biological/psychology approach that intrigued me. I took notes.

Here is a review for those of you who took "Drugs and the Brain."

"Candy is Dandy, but liquor is quicker." In other's words if you want some booty, consider using alcohol. Why? Because of its affects. I've talked and experienced alcohol's magical affects and come to understand that people use it hook up with people they wouldn't usually hook up with. (Or get kisses from straight boys.. heh heh heh). It's not because it allows you to be more confident, but in addition, alcohol helps to make you horny.

I'm going to skip all the chemical science and go to the important stuff. When we are drunk, our higher brain is impaired (that's why we do stupid things when we are drunk) and our primal brain turns on making us behave like animals... animals that need to survive... animals that need to fuck.

So it explains all the regretful AND/OR unapologetic make out sessions and hookups after/during a party or night club after a few drinks. But that's okay because alcohol is cultural, a social lubricant, but also a scapegoat. Let me buy you a drink. Let me loosen you up. Let me help you have fun. Don't worry, it's not like I slipped you a roofie. (Though that would be faster). Ultimately, it's still your choice to say/act without being inhibited by your higher brain.

According to the video, making out stimulates 10% of the body all at once. This is why kissing is very important during sex people! Can you imagine how much stimulation you are giving someone when you are messing around AND making out. That's like an explosion of goodness! (So please kiss while doing it.) That video was making really horny... and desiring alcohol, ironically.

Anyway, I thought to myself, what about me? I was in a situation where the cutest boy at the club invited me to his hotel room for some hanky panky (That I haven't had in a LONG time). He was by far one of the BEST kissers I have ever had... and I had a considerable amount of alcohol in my system so the beast in me can come out from hibernation.

But... I chose to walk out.

Because he told me he had a boyfriend. And I was that disgusted.
He wasn't guilty. He wasn't going to tell the person he 'loved' that he made a mistake. He was just going to have fun. And to top it off, he told me he was sober.

DISGUSTING.

My higher brain took control. And my penis was shut down for another eon.

But I was drunk!! Apparently, I can drink and think I can drive a car. But why can't I drink and fuck the cute Hawaiian boy?

He pushed the right button that made me click and become human again.

I hate dishonest people. HATE.

==========================================================

Hooking Up.

While on the topic. I made some observations.
I miss being innocent. I miss being 18, 19, new to this whole idea of attraction to guys.

I remember being invited to "hang out" with a guy I met on the web and then making out with him at night. But my initial thought was, yeah! I'll hang out with you because I want gay friends. I want to watch a movie and just chill... whoa, where is your hand going? wow that feels good.. BAM! Sex in the car!

No, I really was innocent. I chatted up a storm with strangers and enjoyed it. To me, I was making new friends. To me... sex was just the prize at the end... but what I wanted now was just to talk to you.

Now, I've been through all of that. I know people carry baggage. I carry baggage. Sober or drunk, I've become skeptical and sex has become premeditated; not hot. Watch a movie? Sure. But bring a condom. And maybe that's why I'm so turned off. Why my libido is missing. Why my brain has turned off my penis. I could be kissing "perfect lips," but never know who they belong to or WHERE else they've been. I could be kissing someone else's boyfriend. Destroying something potentially amazing... something that I once stood for.

But at the same time, I wish I was hooking up regardless of 'baggage,' regardless of "this happy ending belongs to..." sign placed on their heart, but hidden behind lust. And just be another tick on their, boys I've cheating on you with, list. Because then I would feel wanted and my Animal mind can go to sleep, finally. But I warn you; If YOU'RE the one to LET that monster out, I will rip off your newly purchased Express shirt. I will lick, bite nimble every part of your body. I will push you against the wall, on the floor and on the coffee table. AND I will give you only 1 minute to recover before I get on you again and pull you into the shower because I LOVE shower sex. YES it's been that long...

I asked Raf. what he knew about me and he gave a long list. His memory is like a "steel trap." My memory is like "jello in the sun." And I realized how much of an open book my life has become. We talked about how feeling desirable is linked to being confident and being confident is linked to loving who you are.

I think I have become picky and disgusted with people who love themselves too much, with this hypersexual self-seeking and dishonest penis-before-brain community. Don't get me wrong, hooking up and having wild animal sex is awesome, but hurting others is NOT. And no alcohol in the world can prevent me from feeling regretful if I ever fall into that category.

Joe asked me if we would be better off if we lowered our standards. I laughed and said, "no, that's what standards are made for... so that you are happy with the choice."

But my standards are simple and I hope it's not rare. I'm in search of an amazing kisser. I would like 10% of my body to be stimulated by pure unapologetic honesty.
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