Small Joys

2020 really aged me.  I look in the mirror and ask myself, who is this old man?  I stare at my surroundings and ask myself, "have I accomplished everything I wanted to at this age?"  I count the lines on my face, the worry in my eyes, ache in my heart because of arguments I've had with my parents this passed year.

I hover over the "delete blog" button.  

I'm an adult and this collection of thoughts since 2007 should be archived.  There is so much vulnerability and stories available in a public space to be found by anybody.  Thoughts and feelings and bad grammar that doesn't merely disappear in 24 hours or is controlled by a "close friend" list.  Everything available for criticism.

I visit my "about me" page and read, "a collection of my thoughts into my adulthood."  I click on a few links and get nostalgic and decide not to delete this.   I'm sentimental and I think I would find joy remembering these moments while I reach old age, alone at a nursing home or hospice.  But I found a way to make this blog unsearchable, but we all know the internet is forever.  

It's been difficult for me.  A false alarm positive during Thanksgiving resulted in a mental break down on day two of quarantine.  Feeling the sense of shame, being indirectly called a menace who was trying to absolve myself of responsibility silenced me.  And as strong as I may seem, I'm as fragile as any other human on this planet.  A fragile, needy extrovert that built his personality on being social.

The things that bring me immense joy have not been available. 

• Spontaneous hang out with friends
• Connecting people in a safe space
• Exploring new eats
• Making new friends
• Board Game nights
• Ridesharing and hearing stories
• Silly themed parties full of creativity 
• Building trust with clients and breaking professional barriers 

Essentially, I am incapable of being myself and as we approach a year of this; I've lost my soul.   The only thing that seems to be getting me through this are small joys.

What are these small joys?

• Fixing imperfections in my home like painting walls
• Creating spotify playlists from mix CDs and remembering old music. 
• Selling and buying things on OfferUp
• Watching one episode of a show like British Bake Off
• Constantly cleaning, vacuuming, mopping
• Reducing screentime on my phone
• Recording what I had for dinner in my moleskine

I'm thankful though that I'm not completely alone, financially stable and not directly affected by death.  That keeps me going.  Just need to continue to take this day by day.