Christmas with My Complete Family

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🎁 🎄 ChristoPho and Jimmy 🎄🎁 . . He’s not a special friend or just a roommate. He’s my partner and it means so much to me to say it in words to my family and to have our relationship acknowledged and celebrated 💝👨‍❤️‍👨🌟. Thank youuuu @maiboo76 / @bennys_journey for this gift. I’m keeping it forever.

A post shared by Christopho (@letopho) on Dec 26, 2018 at 2:41pm PST

Eric told me that moments like these make you fall in love with your partner all over again.   I wholeheartedly agree.  Seeing him interact with my family and being with me during a very important time just really solidified that this person is who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.  It has already become easier to think of marriage because he's met my aunts and uncles.  When they get that invitation they won't be confused about a mysterious boy who've they never met.  And even if this is the only Christmas he can attend, it was sufficient to feel that he had become integrated and that our relationship was acknowledged.

I knew that bringing him to Christmas was important, I made it a big deal and it made me nervous, but when it actually happened it felt natural.  He was welcomed and everyone was happy that he was there.

My mom cooked us so many meals.  He was included in all group photos.  People got him gifts.  He wasn't used to such a materialistic style of the holidays, but embraced it knowing that this is how I was raised.  Socks for everyone.  Gift cards.  More things!  Like an all American family we use our words and we buy gifts.    My extrovert family was overwhelming, and lucky for him, they didn't force him to play Christmas songs on the piano.

What made it easy was introducing him has my partner.  Removing the gender (boyfriend) made it less about being gay, but more about being with a human that I love.  It was easier to say and more impactful at the same time.

"This is my partner Jimmy."

Jimmy made this amazing video of the holiday week with my family and my friends in San Jose and it goes without saying that there's no turning back and we're in it together for the long run.


Visual Diary: The Holiday from Jimmy Raymond on Vimeo.

Platonic, Potential, Can We Please Fuck?

A friend of mine told me that he's slept with about half of his friends.  He puts people in buckets: platonic, potential and can we Please fuck?  I told him that I see all of my friends as platonic and he responded that I might be repressing something and not knowing it.  I know many wonderful attractive guys but I'm never tempted, at least in Los Angeles.  I just want to make friends and grow my Gaysian empire creating a community of good people and a supportive network (born in the 80s).  He pointed to the cute guy in the mailroom.  "You wouldn't mess around with him?"  I responded, "I guess I would, but never really thought about it other than 'hey, he's cute, what's his instagram, let me direct message him and invite him to a party" the end.

It made me wonder, am I repressing something?  I think about being affectionate with friends.  A kiss on the cheek, a head in the lap, a long embrace, a short massage.  Platonic, but still showing that you care for each other.  

How does one put friendships into the potential bucket? I thought about the power of cuddling.  The intimacy, the smell, the touch, the warmth and the time.  Can friends cuddle overnight and still sit in the platonic bucket?  Or does it quickly move to potential? When you stay overnight your guard comes down and like someone with a weak immune system you're vulnerable and likely to catch feels.  I recall "hook up" rules in which people emphasize that they would NEVER sleep over if their intention is nothing more than just loveless sex.  Is it because embracing for a long period of time affects our chemistry and you become attached?  While intertwining your limbs, do you inadvertently intertwine your heart strings?  While feeling someone's breath and listening to their heartbeat, does your soul believe that you're holding someone very important to you?    

Kevin sent me this screen grab of me and his partner Huan (my close friend from elementary school) tangled in bed at the New Years party.  Kevin was massaging my thighs and finding my zones.  He described this picture as me and Huan trying to lure him into some more than friends activity.  But what I see is innocent platonic intimacy between friends at a party.  As this short moment with friends ended, I find myself back home with my partner to embrace overnight allowing our souls to blend and our hearts to beat in sync until he overheats and pushes me away.

Dating Friends

In my quest to being independent, I defaulted to going to Echo Park Lake to spend time with myself.  I had a picnic blanket, a book and a warm LA day.  I had exhausted my contact list and said to myself that I need to learn to be alone - finally.  I found a spot and enjoyed watching a lesbian couple play catch with a softball.  I noticed two gaysian boys sitting a few meters away who turned out to be my friend Jon and his friend visiting from Australia.

My effort at solitude was foiled and I was relieved. We talked about family, life, the difference between Australia and the US, relationships and the Aussie recommended the book "The Course of Love by Alain de Botton.   He shared a quote, "he will need to learn that love is a skill and not an enthusiasm."  The author also talks about how when we hurt our lovers, it usually isn't malicious but because we are hurting ourselves etc. etc.

This is something that we should be aware of.  To this Jon said, "well Chris, I feel that you're pretty self aware."   Maybe too aware as I talked about being 90% extrovert to the group... again. I expressed interest in the book because reading isn't a group activity.

The Aussie also talked about "The Family Law" which is the Aussie version of "Fresh Off the Boat" It's based off the life a Chinese-Australian who's basically the gaysian version of David Sedaris.  OF COURSE I became interested.

==

I ended up having dinner with the Aussie without Jon where we walked about 2 miles to get a burger because these "real" city people really love walking.  He got nostalgic and recounted 2 years of his life being lonely in LA.  He lived without a car, he jumped from house to house never having a lease.  He always had a book and sunglasses in a bag. He was free, but his time in LA expired.

As we got to know each other, I said to him that sometimes I feel like I miss dating.  The uncertainty.  The art of flirting, but playing hard to get.  The science of overthinking and over calculating.  The feeling of being attractive, valuable, wanted. The balance of obsessing and being cool.  The frustration of eventually asking, "what are doing?!" I don't play video games, but I remember that I enjoyed playing the dating game because it made me feel human.  But maybe not as much as some of my friends who are notorious serial daters.  Some folks seeing 5 different guys casually within a week and others in many 1 year relationships back to back.

"Oh god.  You're not missing much."  The Aussie responded in his mesmerizing accent.  He told me a few horror stories, but the point is at 33, he has no more time for that bullshit.

At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and email and I basically walked him to the door of his AirBnB.  For a moment I humored the thought that I had just completed a really nice "date" where the conversation was fluid, the feeling of getting to know a stranger was present, and a connection was made beyond finding commonalities like going down a checklist.

It's a problem when your dating pool is the same as your friend pool and you have to constantly question if the person was just being friendly.  Which I always am because #extrovert.  It's also a really tiny pool.  A friend of mine was dating two guys who then turned out to be friends.  Terrible.

But of course, it wasn't a date.  Two things have to happen for it to be a date - someone treats and you don't talk about your current boyfriend Jimmy for about a quarter of the time.  As we separated, I started to think about which thirsty friend of mine would like him the most and how I now have a housing option in Australia!

He texted me this morning with a selfie in front of the taco stand we talked about.  If this was following a date, then he just threw the ball into my court and it was up to me to respond or reject. I humored my imagination and I began to feel this false "enthusiasm."  This could potentially be a back and forth, overthought ambiguous exchange that takes so much time and energy and that most single people in their 30's are tired of having to do.  But of course, he was being friendly, just as I was and I jumped out of the hypothetical.  I switched over to Jimmy's text window and told him that I'm bringing home salad for him.

He responded gratefully and lovingly, "Thank you babyy!"   Like he does... every time.   




==

I re-read my post about sex positivity in the gaysian community and man, do I sound uber naive.  About 10 of my SF friends participated in Folsom this year.  Not just spectated, but actually dressed up with harnesses and skin.  What a sheltered bubble that I live in.

Living for my friend's heels

Mine

This is a candid picture that Darnell shot of us at a house warming party.  I smother Jimmy with a lot of love and affection... I think because he smells so good that I like to rub my face into his.

I'm really proud of him - a new job, a new sense of confidence, ambition and inspiration to improve his wardrobe and work on photo projects.  All of which make him a better person.  His new attitude draws me closer to him and I am utterly thrilled. He's buying me dinners and found me a great Ben Sherman shirt from the Thrift Shop that I love.  And by doing so he's showing me how much he's appreciated my support through the two years we've been together.

Straight people have asked me, is he "the one." ... are we going to spend the REST of our lives together?  I don't know, he doesn't know.  It doesn't matter.

I've realized lately that I have no timeline.  No sense of urgency to buy a house, get married, have a family at certain deadlines.  And I feel like this is common among gay people - not necessarily career wise because face it.. who really run the world?  Gays... well white gays, but gays nonetheless.  But in regards to relationships and settling down, partying like you're in your 20s carry into your 30s into your 40s into your 50s... because you can't get married anyway, because gay life is fun and there's no rush.  And if you're lucky enough to have a companion that you adore doesn't mean you're going to marry him... we're not u-haul lesbians how ever we do live together.

I'm not completely out to my family yet.  Jimmy is just starting a career that he might be able to build on.  There's so many factors that indicate that where I am now in my career, in my relationship, in my life is where I'm supposed to be.  No rush to be anywhere else.

And the moments I spend with Jimmy are mine... regardless of what the future looks like.

Gay Couples

Ernesto sent out an email to in Jimmy and me to join him in some friendly competition couple vs. couple on CityRice Urban Adventure Hunts.  I suggested to invite other gay couples and realized... I know a lot of gay couples!

To all the early 20 something year olds who constantly complain about the gay community and how slutty and uncommitted everyone is... it's not a gay thing.. it's a early 20s thing (an epiphany).  We enter different life stages and eventually the clubbing and hooking up activities turn into settling down.  Eventually.... or you can be in your 40's hitting up WeHo, Castro, Boystown, South End, Wilton Manors, Greenwich Village with your favorite cocktail and a new friend every weekend... gay people are never alone when they have their gay village. Or maybe couples just hang out with couples and I've found them all. (That would be sad.)

I went ahead and gathered pictures of all my gay couple friends, all of which have been together for more than a year.  Danster and Peter have hit the 6 year mark?  Anthony and Chris are talking adoption. Eric and Chris are sharing a mortgage.  Dang... talk about growing up...

And to our single friends, I'm sorry that you've been the 3rd, 5th and even 7th wheel... but thanks for taking pictures for us.  We'll be using those pictures for the Valentine's Day card we'll be sending you!

You're More Likable if You're Single

Single
I've been single for 3 years and getting into a relationship has not been a smooth transition as I thought it would be.  But why would it be considering the circumstances?

I met someone from OkCupid and thought it would be a good idea to bring the boy along to meet him. I figured that if we were to both meet the OkCupid guy at the same time, it was as if we were BOTH making a new friend... expand our circle.  Too bad I failed to mention to the boy that we were meeting up with someone from OkCupid... the dating site... not the friendship site. (Shit, my bad).

"I feel like I'm a third wheel on your date with this guy," the boy said over the live jazz music.  I thought this was ridiculous, I knew as little about the OkCupid guy as he did. If anything, the OkCupid guy should have felt like a third wheel.  In my mind, we were both making an effort to make a new friend.  The OkCupid guy was trying to make conversation with the boy, but was quickly shot down with one word answers.  I didn't understand what the problem was. If I was the boy I would have done my best to interrogate this stranger from this random site and tell him to get off of my MAN's balls.  We left early, the boy was hurt, the mood was killed.  But I loved the jazz club... and couldn't enjoy it.

"You didn't introduce me as your boyfriend," the boy added.  I stumbled to explain myself, but then the boy told to me what my subconscious was thinking.  "Chris, you didn't introduce me as your bf because you wanted to seem single.  People think they are likeable when they are single."

I thought about it.  It was true.

When you're single you are free to meet random boys and experience random things.  Whether it turned into something, into nothing, it doesn't matter.  You tag along to their daily life and discover more about your city.  When you're single you can explore other people without feeling guilty because you should be home with your man.  You discover new foods, new venues... a random Live Jazz Jam session in Chinatown!!!  So I felt like I needed to come off as single in order to not miss out on any of these things.

For the sake of new friends or not, it doesn't matter - the boy knew it and explained my actions negating my justifications immediately.  I wanted to be single... I've been doing it for so long.

==
Caveat
Before I continue, if you're my friend, don't tell me you read this blog because this is my therapist and I refuse to start an anonymous blog.  Acknowledge the blog wall, I'm tired of inhibited writing. 

==

Relationship
Last night we got into another spat that was related.  I questioned whether or not I wanted this-  The stress, expectation, insecurities, obligations of being in a relationship.  I had forgotten about all of this having been gallivanting for so long.

It made me realize that you can't just jump into a relationship.  It made me realize that "In a Relationship," carries a lot of weight that people in general are not willing to accept so they make other categories:

But it also made me realize the people are too eager to jump ship when they hit a hurdle.

I am in a relationship and that means I am willing to work on developing something that can potentially become amazing and fulfilling.

You don't just get into a relationship, you work on a relationship.  And that's what I agreed to when he asked me to be my boyfriend.  So we did just that - worked it out.  Communicated. Understood.

You feel so good in my arms.  I will always introduce you as my boyfriend and any "opportunity" I miss because of it wouldn't feel as good without you there.

Koala

He told me he likes my cheeks.
I told him I like his nose.

We baby talk and it's wonderfully disgusting.  Everything we say to each other starts with W's like -

"Wow was war way Boo boo?"  God, its adorably revolting. 

I told him that I knew that I like him because I let his feet touch my body.  I think feet are disgusting... unless it belongs to someone I'm dating.  If it's someone I'm just sleeping with, when their feet touch my calves I jolt away.... it's gross. 

When I see him, I put my arms around his shoulders then lift one leg at a time onto his hips until he is forced to carry me.  "KOALA!" I scream.

When ever I kiss him, he makes this face that I can recognize immediately.

I don't have to do much to get to know him because well... he's a friend.  A friend that I've always had a crush on.  I like staring into his eyes until he gets embarrassed and looks away or leans forward for a kiss.

When we were cuddling the other night he turned to me in mid-sleep and said, "i love you" and started to snore.  I told him in the morning and he was embarrassed.  "You must have been 'WTF'" he proclaimed. 

I responded, "actually I held you tighter... and said it back."  But then I realized that I could have dreamt the entire thing. I just became the first person to consciously say/admit to the "l" word.  "I really like you" was sufficient.  Great... I was hopping to say it on more of an occasion.

He's helped me keep my New Years resolution of cooking more by essentially cooking for me and as I'm writing this all out I'm beginning how typically fast this is going. 

I am more excited than anything to change my facebook relationship status for the first time ever....  I WANT A FUCKING HEART TO SHOW UP NEXT TO MY NAME ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED!

Ern said to me, "you guys went straight to domestic." I'm a U-Haul Lesbian apparently.

I guess, when everything just feels right, you just go at gay-warp speed and hope everything works out.  Cuz feeling "right" is hard to come by.  So frustrated with the dating pool and frustrated with ourselves that we become...

• Serial Daters
• Mega Sluts
• Introverted

 ...and when something that "feels right" comes along you hold onto it as tight as possible like a Koala on Eucalyptus.  

But I didn't initially feel this way especially since I've been a proponent of "free love."  AKA  Dating/Whoring around for the sake of gaining different experience from different people.

Let's Get Married

Proposition 8 has been ruled unconstitutional.

I would like to celebrate by hugging my boyfriend of 10 years and planning our safari themed wedding.  I would like to look at him and say, "i love you.  you are the one I'm going to marry. I can only imagine you in my life and without you here, I wouldn't know what to do."  ..and tear up a little bit while speaking in fragments.

This is a victory that I'm not ready for... a victory of equality. yes.  but a victory that has not changed how I live my life personally.  I wish I was older, I wish I was in a committed relationship, I wish I could appreciate this feeling wholeheartedly.

But, I'm just a 25 year old gay boy romping around LA who feels like he's too young to settle. So.. woohoo prop 8.  Here's a cupcake...

I hope this ruling still holds true when I'm in the appropriate life stage: in love, committed, happy, older.  For now, I need to gather my roommates and buy veils... we're going clubbing dressed as BRIDES!!!!  First round of drinks on me!

Free Love

There are 6 boys in my bed and the slats gave way and my mattress fell to the ground resulting a large gay shriek followed by laughter from everyone.  I built it myself from IKEA.

Last night our huge group found ourselves at PopStarz at the factory.  There was a 90's music dance floor that dedicated itself to a little Genie in a bottle, Bye bye bye, Vengabus, I Feel like a Women, and the macarena, which I shamelessly engaged in.  It felt like I was karaoke night clubbing (AMAZING).

Not too drunk, I found myself flirtatious- "accidentally" exposing these exhibitionist photos I had recently taken.  I kissed a friend, a boy I dated in the past, a boy that I was sort of dating (kinda) and a hot Indian boy from Berkeley who I always run into.  "I have to go, but let's kiss," he stated. I leaned forward for a taste- the curry was spicy, I was offered seconds and then he disappeared.  I wish I knew he was gay in college, would have had fun with that... I love Bollywood.

I'm rethinking my no make out at the club policy which I broke recently.  But what about these cute friendly kisses?  Flirtatious, quick, delicious, not regretful kisses to go around.  I logged these kisses in my moleskine black book and thought- this is free love.  This is fun, this feels great and to be tied down, to have to deal with jealousy and emotions would be an added stress that I don't want to carry (right now).

Free love - I'm attracted to you. Let's enjoy the night.  Let's touch and experience new sensations.   Experiment with my unfamiliar body.  Excite.  -  This idea is 180 from my previous emo entries about drifting and desiring some sort of connection.  I do desire love and I realize as of last night that it doesn't need to come from just one person.  So I take it back Jimmy, I don't want a boyfriend I want to engage in offering my body, my energy, my spirit to folks who find me valuable and make connections beyond friendship but before partnership.

Today is the last day of Jubilant July and this epiphany completes my journey in discovering what currently makes me happy.