Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Stay Regular

I'm trying really hard to make it through this. Last night, I was able to deframent.

I haven't cried once.
But I do tear up talking to my mom.

And I guess I have to thank a couple of my friends that have responded to my somewhat silent plea for help.

You may think I'm melodramatic, over reacting or going through an EMO state like the kids on Myspace and Xanga, but I reassure you that the pain that I'm experiencing is appropriate.

Let me explain in another vague entry.

Take something of value. Something you love. Okay. Let's be superficial: you're home. Imagine everything you own. Your photo albums, your grandma's jewelry, your pet dog, your computer, your awards trophies, your books, your souvenirs from your vacation, your favorite necklace, your coloring book, your stuffed animals. Everything sacred. Everything safe. Okay. Got it? Okay, Everything you love.

Now. Imagine coming home from a vacation... to nothing. Everything is either stolen or destroyed. Your room is empty, shelves are thrown on the floor. Your photo albums are burned. Your awards ripped up. And your dog outside choked to death because he was trying to stop the intruder, but there was nothing he could do. You have nothing.

How do you feel?

Okay. Now take all those superficial items and supersede them with something that's intangible, irreplaceable and for recent years has defined your life.

Now stay strong...

You're alone... because the person you would go to for help, reassurance, security, safety.... was the one that took it all away. Because you gave them the key to your home... because you trusted them. Because you thought they respected you, love you... and would be the last person in the world to hurt you; lie to you.

HOW DO YOU FEEL?!

HOW DO YOU FUCKING FEEL?!

BUT you are supposed to smile because... that's what people love about you... is your smile and positive attitude!! YAY! Plus, it's the only way you know how to cope. People love your smile. But at this point... how can you be certain if they won't take from you too?

That's right. And because I am strong. I don't cry.
Cry for what? It's not like I have tears of the Phoenix that can repair damage.

Why cry? Why hate? Why trust?

...I have become numb. I was robbed and stabbed. Slapped in the face and spit on. Disrepected and lied to; betrayed. And it's that sort of damage that motivates me to be better and appreciate what can never be taken away or compromised: myself, my life, my pride.

I'M FUCKING AMAZING. PASSIONATE AND DRIVEN, GENUINE.

And I'm quite proud of myself because I like who I am. I'm not ashamed of anything I do... I push your knife aside and give you a hug. I take the shit you hand me and make it into a statue. I take your sour milk and make the best tasting cheese in the world... I build character... and the depression that I am experiencing is being pushed out of my system because I have been taking Fiber pills with Calcium.

I stay regular. And I realize that others have it worse, much worse... their constipation can't be resolved with a pill.

3 comments:

Viet said...

This entry really hit home for me. Shit happened a while ago and it was so ridiculous that I was numb too. You're probably going through a lot more than I did and yet you're still so strong and levelheaded about it. Maybe a little jaded, but still fucking amazing. :)
-V
P.S. Where can i get these happy pills?

mich said...

gosh i love you.

Jonathan said...

your blogs are so interesting. I've been spending my days reading them! mad props chris!