Sunday, August 26, 2018

Is it Even Worth It?

In order for me to heal, recharge, feel like myself, I need to involve another person and that “taking a walk, break, breath” doesn’t work because I can’t clear my thoughts, but rather get lost in them when I’m alone.

I sat in a 24 hour laundromat last night and again this early morning at Echo Park lake.  Of course, I wasn't alone for long.  And whatever substance was swirling around in my body was messing with my mood, energy and concept of time.

I’m understanding more and more that gay people can be mean to each other.  I want to believe that people are nice, appreciative  and good intentioned and the side comments, casual shade and passive aggressive social media posts are just a character they play; no one really means to put down others.  But in actuality we can be pretty malicious.

Regardless of all of that, I just want to be everyone's friend. And I want to help plan your Saturdays and introduce you to other cool and nice people because I know how hard it could be to make new friends.  Or how busy we can get and forget to reach out to one another.

But - we all can't be friends.   And as a few faces no longer appear at these silly house parties that I put too much effort/self in, I can't but feel like it's because people are done with it.  Why bother trying to get everyone together when it feels like I'm forcing it upon them with direct personal invites.  I wonder if people decline because they’re just done with gay energy because of how abrasive and judgemental we could be.  Or maybe because people hooked up and it got awkward.   But it makes me happy to hear when the people that do come get something out it - they get to talk about personal things to people who get it, they find a new gym buddy, they approach a person they have a crush on... whatever it is, my space made it easier for them to connect.  At least that’s what I hope.

Yesterday was exhausting.  It was a marathon of drinking and smoking and it took a lot out of me to make sure people were having fun.  It took a lot out of me to force my roommates to decorate, clean, prepare and see them act in obligation.  It took a lot out of me to take to heart when someone who was supposed to help dismisses it.  It took a lot out of me to coordinate 18 different personalities around town event hopping in DTLA and I was worn down and feeling unappreciated.

As an attention seeking, self congratulating, party planner - feeling unappreciated is probably one of the most hurtful things for me to experience.  It makes me question if it was even worth it to get people together.

And it is.  Because that’s who I am and what I do.  And I may position these parties and get-to-gethers as a "safe space" for a "community of under represented, marginalized group of people" aka gaysians, but it's actually a safe space for me.  So that I don't feel alone... and being able to share it with you makes me whole and happy.

Friday, August 24, 2018

Asian Fetishist Exposed

I haven't had a house party in a while and we're going to do an end of summer day party with food and cocktails this coming Saturday.  I've been making new friends and wanted to invite them to the space and got this message from someone I recently invited. 

So, being a black man that likes other men of color -- with artistic, creative, outgoing, fun-loving southeast asian and pacific island men at the top of the list, and due to a finite amount of people who fit into that category that I find attractive and would also be willing to talk to a black guy, like myself. I have talked to a decent number of your friend group in some capacity...and out of the guys attending, the range of experiences varying from dating for 3 months to like just chatting on apps. I know we are all adults and truly appreciate the invite to be in that space and fellowship with you all, but I don't want to come across as impending on anyones space or using this as a tactic to get in with the group more than being a perifial friend. I understand it, personally, that is my intention...but I don't know how they would take it. So I am asking you because you know them a lot better. Thoughts.?

I ask back - "why are Asian Men on top of the list?"

there is no particular hierarchy amongst the men of color, but being from the east coast coming to the west coast I have interacted with asian men at a more significant rate here. That has increased my attraction to them in sense of biology and socio-culturally. My first boyfriend was also filipino, who played a significant role in me coming out and accepting my gayness -- since I was a pretty traditional, christian, black boy from the south. I find many moments of commonality that complements balance points that I have also been provided by my fellowship and other interactions with asian men (gay and straight).

So overall, it is part biology (as all physical attraction is) and the other is connection points (first boyfriend was filipino, college mentor was filipino, first tennis doubles partner in la a straight Chinese guy, two of my guncles (filipino and Chinese). I hope my response didn't across in any sort of negative way.

 To this I respond, "I see.  I appreciate the honesty and I owe it to you to be honest as well.  I’ve created a safe space for gaysian men who don’t feel like they have a place in weho, mainstream gay culture etc.  a space where they’re either ignored or objectified and nothing between. it’s a group of friends to be themselves and I invite people who I feel make sense to that space. When we first met, you were friendly, had good energy and I thought was very interesting which is why I extended the invite.  It’s not a space for people who have racial hang ups that dictate the type of people they date.  These meaningful people in your life just happened to be asian, but it shouldn’t mean that asianness is a default to the people you are interested in “biologically” or not.  I didn’t think it was your intention, but based on what you’re saying to me it feels very much like your intention."

I don't think I have ever voiced why this particular preference to anyone objectively. I usually go with my general, I like individuals, sometimes they have penises but sometimes they do not. Thanks for the honesty as well....and I definitely respect the space that you created. And mention those personal accounts to speak on direct connections with people who happen to be asian, trying to get at that it isn't just a blanketed approach but specific individuals that I happened to connect with. The mention of biological was only to speak to the aspect of attraction, like I don't think you can control who you are attracted to. Not that these interactions have shaped my biology. I don't think I am explaining this the best way

I advised him on what he should have said "All you needed to say was “thanks for the invite, I hope I’m not intruding.  I actually dated a few people on the guest list and I don’t want to make anyone feel awkward”

Sorry, that is what I was trying to say.

I kept it short to show that I wasn't buying his attempt to defend himself "...this analysis on Asian, top of the list, preference.... makes me uncomfortable."

I didn't mean for it to come across like that. Crap, I shouldn't have started that way. thinking about it, I approached it all wrong....trying to be fully transparent I placed emphasis on something that wasn't the point of the conversation. I wish I had synthesized it to the way that you did. I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I really screwed this one up. Truly, I just wanted to get your opinion on if it would be ok to attend after dating a few of your friend...but in doing so, I felt I had to defend the reasons why I dated (or attempted to date) multiple people who share the same friends. And that is what came out...and like you said the intention didn't match the impact. The first two sentences of the message took this conversation to a place that I didn't intend for it to and I can see how it could be perceived and how I would make someone uncomfortable in stating that -- which again wasn't my intention. My mind translated my heart in a way that I clearly can see now as being offensive and I apologize for that. Hope to see you at DTLA Proud. Sorry again, and thanks for the invite. I was looking forward to it, but again didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable that is why I mentioned it at all. Have a good day.

I left him hanging for a few hours.  I honestly didn't know what to say, but I made it clear that he can ramble and defend all he wants, but anyone who thinks this is an appropriate way to start a conversation with someone they barely know is not welcome.   Especially when that person is someone who hates objectification like myself.   "I've been in a few client meetings. Not trying to ignore you. Yeah - maybe we'll catch each other at DTLA Proud."


Thanks for letting me know. Hope to run into you at Proud.


=======

A few thoughts on this conversation.    I've read this over and over and I'm feeling empathetic.  His intention was to respect the space, but he did the opposite exposing his fetishism.  Jimmy told me he does NOT want him around.  I was going to expand on the conversation, but Jimmy stopped me from attempting to use black equivalence.   You'd think other POCs would understand that withering down a person to their race does not make people feel good.  However, his back peddling and apology shows that he knows he fucked up and there's nothing really more I can stay to educate.

Also - "dated a decent number of your friends" - sounds like you're going through a checklist.  No thank you.  This is not a candy store.


Wednesday, August 1, 2018

Summer Weekends in Los Angeles

Staying busy makes me happy.  This passed weekend was exceptional!

Friday: Summer Nights at the Natural History Museum Botanical Gardens - Always thought Silent Disco was stupid, but then it was actually fun with a good DJ.  Learned that the ants in our house are not native to Los Angeles, but actually from South America through the coffee trade.
Saturday: Chinatown Summer Nights - got sassy with boring straight guys taking valuable dance floor space.  Made a scene when they left shooing them away.  Led the group of 12 to Won Kok for some loud 2AM Chinese food.  Shu mai is apparently a breakfast item and made Jason uncomfortable that we ordered it.  That morning got inspired by Ikea and want to buy some good patio furniture.
Sunday: Venice Beach - learned how to boogie board.  The trick is to point the nose of the board downward to better catch the wave.

New restaurants old friends, new restaurants with new friends, old restaurants with new dishes.

And a boyfriend to capture it all:

Visual Diary: Lazy Summer from Jimmy Raymond on Vimeo.

Meal of the weekend: Soft Shell Crab Curry Ramen from Curry House in Little Tokyo.
A season dish that stayed on the menu due to popularity.

Not just watered down curry, but with ramen oil adding dimension.  Wish the egg was softboiled



It's already time to plan the next one!