Navigating an Open Relationship

I told Jimmy that while he's abroad to not feel tied to what he has at home; namely me.  If he wants to experience a country for its food, its culture...  its men that he should go ahead and do so without guilt.  It doesn't bother me because I feel security in our 8 year relationship.  That we want the same things in life and that I will love him forever.  Whatever happens there remains there and that he'll always come home to me.

To this he responded, "WTF, THAT IS NOT WHY I TRAVEL ALONE"

And to this I said, "I know! I'm just letting you know that I'm okay with it."

Two weeks later he comes up to me to say, "Did you make those comments because you want to be in an open relationship?" 

I nodded sheepishly.  "I understand, my baby has needs," he responded perceptively.  And that's how we got here; trying something different, but still trying to navigate it.

With one key rule that he placed: no friends.
...because, you don't shit where you eat.

A logical and complicated ask because I am friends with many people.  I am naturally friendly.  And my approach to humans and relationships has to pivot.

As I navigate this, I come to realize that app-culture is the vehicle to a very transactional way of "connecting" with other men not to mention a huge waste of time. And flirting with an end goal was something I haven't done in a really long time. There are moments I feel like hot shit and other moments I just feel like room temperature shit.  Men become objects hitting physical qualifications that allow you to “get off” and then leave.  Rather than fleeting, it feels direct and hollow.  And the high from the fun is short lived and regretful.

What am I getting out of this?  By repressing my inclination to be friends... I’m not being me.  It makes me feel shitty to have motives when the Chris that people respect, possibly admire, is a Chris that actually cares about being just your friend, to be supportive of what you're trying to achieve in life and introducing you to his community.  And that Chris doesn't take advantage of people and write them off once they’ve served their purpose.

So why did I even suggest it?

... I realize that “my needs” is so obvious and in plain sight because of my predictable one dimensional personality... it's not sex, but rather it's attention; a warm body to hold, a companion to kiss and a human to love.   Things that should only come from Jimmy, and I desperately need more frequently because of my shitty codependency especially while he’s away.

Quite the epiphany... and I feel good about this Sunday thought / self-therapy, because I can be honest  and really understand what the fuck I'm doing, where my mind is at and why I'm behaving this way.  I’m seeking so much attention, playing games, overthinking and creating constructs when it should be kept as simple and dumb as the app.

Before he left for another two week trip he expressed so much concern.  He was worried that I would resent him, but I reassured him that I would never.  I understand his needs just as much as he understands mine and we work on it together to make this relationship last.  I can’t wait for him to come home.

69 Cents

I really don't give a shit.  And I find creative ways to entertain myself.  So back in 2014, I was browsing the social feed of venmo to see where my friends were having dinner without me and paying each other back.  I noticed this guy who I thought was pretty cute and interesting based on his ... other payments.  We had one mutual friend.

So like any self respecting gaysian thirsty for friendship, I decided to send him a payment of $0.69 with a few fun emojis.  I never heard from him and just left it as a funny story, making my friends feel uncomfortable that I actually did something like that.  But whatever, this guy was in New York and he took my money.

Fast forward 3 years later to my Tokyo trip with my family in 2018.  I was dying for something that wasn't my family and I found myself at a gay bar.  In the sea of gays I see him and somehow remember his first name.   I never remember names especially this one since I've always referred to him as 69 cents.  I only had two drinks in me, but in addition to desperation for a familiar face I shouted his name.

He didn't hear me and walked on.  So... like a lion to a gazelle, I chased after him. 
"Is your name Jun?!"  I was super excited.  The gears in my psychotic mind were turning.
"yeah.. um... "
"you don't know me, but we have a mutual friend!  How are you?  What are you doing here?"  I talked to him like we had known each other for ages and he followed along.

He told me about quitting his job, how he's been traveling for months.  I think seeing another American was refreshing for him... and then he disappeared after 5 minutes.  That was just the right amount of time to make me feel better and less lost in a foreign place.  I was so exhausted with my family that anything that felt like home aka - gaysian-American, felt nice.

Obviously, I didn't mention the $0.69 part.  I'm sure he knew, but wanted to make myself seem as normal as possible.  Which I thought I was pretty successful in doing.

I send this picture to our mutual friend who was aghast that we "ran into each other."  More like I ran at him.  He then shared his chat with 69 cents.

Glad to see that the story matched up.  But then I noticed that our mutual friend covered some of the text previously.  I can only imagine what was censored.  But you know what... I don't give a fuck.  I'm just here to make people feel uncomfortable while I laugh at myself at my ridiculousness.

A Different Breed of Gays

We hosted another house party in February for Lunar New Year.   We called it "Year of the Doggy Style," and encouraged people to dress up to their interpretation.  As innocent as Snapchat dog ears to puppy play kink, but you know... our circle of friends, not from Weho went in a few directions as anticipated.

When you think of a dog themed gay party...

EXPECTATION

REALITY

Doge approves.

We we had some leather as well of course!

But that's the idea of creating a safe space.  Be as freaky as you want to be and whatever that means is up to you!

Fur-bulous!

Was laughing at this for 10 minutes.

Jimmy's Vlog:

Two Old Gaysian Short Films that Surprised Me.

With HereTV's Falling for Angels: Koreatown, Chapter II train wreck that showcased a unrealistic interaction between two Gaysians in LA's Koreatown I decided to spend the morning watching some old gaysian shorts and I was pleasantly surprised.


The Golden Pin



This film addresses family obligation with blunt metaphors and good chemistry.  The Mom always knows.  I also love that the main character is a Vietnamese stud and that the white characters are just background.  The focus after all is about the Asian and his family and western elements are "the other."  He's also hot as fuck.

Yellow Fever



This film is SO 90s, but also so UK.  But the racial issues here are relatable.  The main character is intentionally insane.  He's hung up on his identity as a potato queen.  The moral of the story is summed up in this line, "when it comes to relationship, it should be about personality, not nationality."  Which is of course 90s talk for ethnicity.  The film exposes how ridiculous the gay community can be.

Falling for Angels: Koreatown
This was such a missed opportunity to showcase LA Gaysians; it felt like the director interviewed a handful of gaysians and smashed together his observations into one long terrible cringy dialogue.  It felt like it was going through a checkbox of things.  Actual quotes:

• There's this metamorphosis that happens when you'r having sex looking into someone's eyes that look like your own
• I knew that if i could love someone that looked like me, I could love myself
• The [SGV gaysians] who grew here are like a different race, they're self confident and well adjusted and they breakdance.  It's like where's the neuroses of low self esteem? 

All of the issues covered identity issues.  But the gaysian community faces a lot more than just self hate.   They should have just scrapped the script and followed a group of four gaysian friends to Rage in Weho.  And then have them gossip at BCD Tofu house in Koreatown at 3AM featuring the following characters.

• Slutty one who's careless, lonely and parties
• Social Justice Warrior who doesn't practice what he preaches
• Transplant with insecurities that overcompensates
• One that's dating a white guy and addresses sticky-rice hypocrisy 

I can assume that the writer only knows gaysians who live in white spaces, who have and compete for white boyfriends.   These Gaysians, who are the sprinkle of color, struggle with predictable identity and rejection issues as the constant "other"  have been addressed enough.  Falling for Angels: Koreatown had the opportunity to expand outside those themes.Why not feature gaysians who are well adjusted and focus on their LA born/raised here specific lives?  Or is it unfair and alienating to show this utopian where the people you're interested want to date you back and that everything you do and speak is popular thought because both your high school and college were a majority Asian?

The first scene where the condom breaks was ridiculous.  It would have been more realistic if he discovers that the adopted Korean sleeps around A LOT and freaks out because of how nonchalant he is.  

"When was the last time you got test?!?"

"I don't know.. a few months ago.. don't worry about it.."

This would address hook up paranoia + hook up carelessness in two contrasting characters.  

Any way... I just hate missed opportunities.  

Happy with what Life Has Given Her.

My mom is an only child and both of her parents have passed away.  Our family dog also passed away in August of this year which led her to cry for hours.  She tells me that she's worried about getting old because loneliness is inevitable.

As a child of immigrants, I feel lucky that my parents are living happy comfortable lives.  Like many, I've internalize a sense of guilt.  Taking care of your parents and making sure they're happiness is intact is the natural next step.

For gay children, we've become convinced that we've grown up to be the furthest type of person that our parents can be proud of.  For some, hearing "i love you" is rare... to hear, "I'm proud of you" is a dream.  However, the guilt that I was struggling with is that I feel like I cannot grow the family in a way to help my mom with that loneliness which will compromise her happiness.

My mom asked me over lunch, "...do you want children?"

"I don't know... but I know that having a children would make you very happy."

She interrupted me, "that's the wrong way of thinking.  To have children is to provide happiness for yourself...  it's not about me.  It's for you."

"I'm... very happy you said that."  I wasn't expecting this sort of response, especially not that quick.  I paused and took a 3 minute break holding back the tears; glancing at strangers to see if they noticed that the conversation had turned into something more serious.

"What is it?"

The swelling in my eyes increased, "I know... how lonely you are, and having grandchildren would make you very happy... and all I want to do, is to make sure you're happy."  I verbalized the internalized guilt that I had been repressing.

Without missing a beat she responded, "I have two beautiful children, I've accepted what God has given me and I can't be happier.  I've lived a very difficult life.. your dad saved me from being abused, I've seen a lot of bad things, but I accept everything as a gift.  And I gladly accept that grandchildren may not be in my future, and that's okay.  God has already given me enough."

I absorbed everything she said.  It was something that I needed to hear.  It was such a powerful conversation to have; for my mom to express that her happiness wasn't dependent on what I could provide her and that having me was enough.  That I was enough.

It made me realize that coming out to my parents two years ago was only the beginning.   Talking about the future, talking about happiness was the next.

So do I want children?
I still don't know, but if I do...  it'll be for me especially now that I know it's a possibility. For the first time in my life, I've met two Vietnamese American Dads in their late 30’s and their 5 month old daughter. and talking to them, though only briefly, showed me what my future could possibly look like:

So much love and happiness.  It's just mind blowingly expensive  and terrifying.

SO...being a gay uncle is still my number one choice.  Come ON little brother!!  (But of course, do it for you.  ;) )

Gaysians and their White Elephants

This year we hosted our 9th annual 321 Christmas party.  The title: "Our Hard-on Will Go On."  It was Titanic themed to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the film as well as our success in avoiding eviction.  We thought that 2016 was going to be out "Last Christmas."  But we'll never let go.  The photo booth was pretty epic, but I'll save that for another post.

After posting this picture I noticed that other gaysian groups that I follow on social media began to post their own large group photos holding up gifts along side a sprinkle of women and white folks.

Each group probably complaining about their white elephant gift.  Each group excited when someone brings chicken McNuggets.  Each group happy to see each other in a comfortable environment in which they are not a token.   Looking at these group photos makes me feel as though we all follow a script.  And that even though we're trying to live unique lives, fight stereotypes (some more than others), there's just a lot that's predictable.

I can confidently say that each group is dealing with their own issues involving drugs, over partying, body dysmorphia, mental health, dating drama, family disconnection, complacency, insecurity, loneliness.   Intersectional issues that involve being both gay and Asian in which the only way to feel "normal" is to have these sort of gatherings so that we can reassure each other that we're doing just fine because we're all in it together with the support system that we've built.

Anyway, everyone loves a good white elephant.. usually not for the gift you receive but for the drama to unfold in front of you during the game.  And being with people that get it is like being with family which is especially needed during the holidays.

California Privilege as a Gaysian American

When Steve Harvey joked that Asian men were undateable I was unaffected.  It's like when people tell small penis jokes.  Roll my eyes and sympathize, honey, you have no clue.  If you're going to make a race joke, make it clever and WITTY.  Like a drag queen.

And then these articles started surfacing:

16 Stunning Photos That Shatter Society’s Stereotypes About Asian Men
21 Gorgeous Asian Men Guaranteed To Make You Thirsty
21 Fine-As-Hell Asian Men Who Will Make You Swoon And Then Some
Asian Men are Reclaiming Their Masculinities on Their Own Terms

And I just had it.  In a Facebook comment I wrote:

Over it. If you don't think Asian Men are attractive, there are about 20 billion people who do. We don't need to reclaim, prove, or break the internet for anyone. And if people need these type of articles to validate themselves, then ya'll gotta stop looking at Abercrombie ads and hanging out in non-diverse spaces.

I can easily say this because I live in California and I've never felt like a minority growing up.  I have resources to create and build a place where I feel comfortable and surround myself with likeminded people - asian, gay... gay and asian.  I've never felt alone in my identity. To have this is a privilege.  "You are a stronger more confident man than most of us sir." As a friend put it, but it's because I can and I need to have some compassion for Asian Americans who never heard of this sort of community in America and need this empowerment.

But then I read shit like this from another POV. "Many of my gay Asian friends have mentioned that they wish they were white so dating would be easier."

WHO ARE YOU AND WHERE DID THEY HURT YOU?!

No no no!!!!  This self hate, this shame, this white worship makes me vomit in my mouth.  Makes my bones rattle with anger.  You are entitled to be attracted to who ever you want, but when it costs you your identity then, honey, we have a problem.

As I was complaining to my friend, he pointed out other things outside of dating that related to the racism people experience being a minority.  Situations where their life was endanger or that opportunities were taken away from them.  With personal experience, he said something that resonated:

"I don't fault any Asian who gives away their Asianness to survive."

And there it is.  Feeling safe was never an issue for me.  Having my voice heard was never an issue for me.  Finding a date was never an issue for me.  Being judged for what I ate, wore or sounded like was never an issue.  I could just live and thrive and be happy and that's a privilege that I need to remind myself to never take for granted.

Dating Friends

In my quest to being independent, I defaulted to going to Echo Park Lake to spend time with myself.  I had a picnic blanket, a book and a warm LA day.  I had exhausted my contact list and said to myself that I need to learn to be alone - finally.  I found a spot and enjoyed watching a lesbian couple play catch with a softball.  I noticed two gaysian boys sitting a few meters away who turned out to be my friend Jon and his friend visiting from Australia.

My effort at solitude was foiled and I was relieved. We talked about family, life, the difference between Australia and the US, relationships and the Aussie recommended the book "The Course of Love by Alain de Botton.   He shared a quote, "he will need to learn that love is a skill and not an enthusiasm."  The author also talks about how when we hurt our lovers, it usually isn't malicious but because we are hurting ourselves etc. etc.

This is something that we should be aware of.  To this Jon said, "well Chris, I feel that you're pretty self aware."   Maybe too aware as I talked about being 90% extrovert to the group... again. I expressed interest in the book because reading isn't a group activity.

The Aussie also talked about "The Family Law" which is the Aussie version of "Fresh Off the Boat" It's based off the life a Chinese-Australian who's basically the gaysian version of David Sedaris.  OF COURSE I became interested.

==

I ended up having dinner with the Aussie without Jon where we walked about 2 miles to get a burger because these "real" city people really love walking.  He got nostalgic and recounted 2 years of his life being lonely in LA.  He lived without a car, he jumped from house to house never having a lease.  He always had a book and sunglasses in a bag. He was free, but his time in LA expired.

As we got to know each other, I said to him that sometimes I feel like I miss dating.  The uncertainty.  The art of flirting, but playing hard to get.  The science of overthinking and over calculating.  The feeling of being attractive, valuable, wanted. The balance of obsessing and being cool.  The frustration of eventually asking, "what are doing?!" I don't play video games, but I remember that I enjoyed playing the dating game because it made me feel human.  But maybe not as much as some of my friends who are notorious serial daters.  Some folks seeing 5 different guys casually within a week and others in many 1 year relationships back to back.

"Oh god.  You're not missing much."  The Aussie responded in his mesmerizing accent.  He told me a few horror stories, but the point is at 33, he has no more time for that bullshit.

At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and email and I basically walked him to the door of his AirBnB.  For a moment I humored the thought that I had just completed a really nice "date" where the conversation was fluid, the feeling of getting to know a stranger was present, and a connection was made beyond finding commonalities like going down a checklist.

It's a problem when your dating pool is the same as your friend pool and you have to constantly question if the person was just being friendly.  Which I always am because #extrovert.  It's also a really tiny pool.  A friend of mine was dating two guys who then turned out to be friends.  Terrible.

But of course, it wasn't a date.  Two things have to happen for it to be a date - someone treats and you don't talk about your current boyfriend Jimmy for about a quarter of the time.  As we separated, I started to think about which thirsty friend of mine would like him the most and how I now have a housing option in Australia!

He texted me this morning with a selfie in front of the taco stand we talked about.  If this was following a date, then he just threw the ball into my court and it was up to me to respond or reject. I humored my imagination and I began to feel this false "enthusiasm."  This could potentially be a back and forth, overthought ambiguous exchange that takes so much time and energy and that most single people in their 30's are tired of having to do.  But of course, he was being friendly, just as I was and I jumped out of the hypothetical.  I switched over to Jimmy's text window and told him that I'm bringing home salad for him.

He responded gratefully and lovingly, "Thank you babyy!"   Like he does... every time.   




==

I re-read my post about sex positivity in the gaysian community and man, do I sound uber naive.  About 10 of my SF friends participated in Folsom this year.  Not just spectated, but actually dressed up with harnesses and skin.  What a sheltered bubble that I live in.

Living for my friend's heels

Gaysian Shorts on Youtube + Spa Night

I've always turned to the small screen to find people I could relate to.  I feel like I've collected a few videos and wanted to post them since I was all about these webseries in my previous post.

Some old gaysian shorts:

Stay (2010)

Are you my boyfuck or boyfriend?  Simple concept with actors that look like my friends.

Do You, Andy (2012)

I've shared this before, but I love this one so much

Thanks, Dads (2014)

I don't know many gay couples with kids, but this really made it a possibly

And I'm so proud of Andrew's film Spa Night which I got to see on the big screen.


Yes Asian!

Gay Web Series

I just finished The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo and posted on Facebook my new man crush Kenneth Kirby and my thirsty friends starting biting.  I mean, look at him:

And the fact that he has only 1K followers on instagram makes he very approachable.  He can be our friend that everyone dreams about.    This web series staring the guy that did the video "What actually happens when gay guys see other gay guys and straight people aren't around" is hilarious!  I found my self laughing until I almost cried.



I remember really liking The Outs and being very aroused by Hunting Season which is just soft core porn.  Both series take place in New York.

I haven't gotten the chance to watch The EastSiders which I've added to the list.

Paper boys takes place in San Francisco and stars a gaysian, but only has 3 episodes!! Come on guys! We want more!

Her Story is exceptional story about trans and queer women that had me crying as well.  It's up for an Emmy award!

There's something about how amateur and raw these web series are.  It feels as though I'm closer to the characters especially since I know a few folks personally in the entertainment space.

Some recommendations that I got:

Love Sick - Thai Drama
Disposable Teans - gay teen who is forced to runaway from home after coming out of the closet.
Cómo conocí a la chica de Ludisoft - Spanish series not too sure what it's about
G&T - Italian web series that seems to be very popular
Free Fall - Black web series from 2013 and has continued momentum
Spin the Bottle - Looks terribly corny
Alex and Benny - Chinese guys being domestic
Heroin - Chinese high school drama.. looks interesting

And during my research I stumbled upon this cringe-worthy gem:

So awkward, so preachy... and something I don't get being so sticky rice.


Here we go:

Much better.. except he better get stood up at 7:30.. oh hell.

LoveWins

I've decided that it's time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I announced this decision on Facebook and received so much support especially from my older cousins; maybe because I expressed how difficult it felt to do.  I could hear Joe in my head saying, what have you been waiting for?  The answer is that it just never felt right... until now.

Right at this moment, the spirit of love has finally overshadowed all the wrong in the world currently. That right now people are celebrating, people are happy, people are TALKING about gay rights.    People are thinking... "oh maybe this is a good thing."  Right now feels just right.

I just turned 30.  I can get married.  And I don't want to continue to be silent anymore about such a large piece of my life.  I'm not scared of my dad disowning me.  The other day we got into a small argument and resolved it by saying that that we love each other unconditionally.

I was jealous of my lesbian coworker whose mom called her when she heard the news about gay marriage.  I wanted that call...  I was hoping for a call, but my dad liking the new profile picture of me holding a rainbow flag is the best I could ask for.  And it's a perfect starting point.

It's time to put it into words, but how do you say it?  How do you stop from crying?  How do you say, "dad, I'm gay... I know you love me regardless, but this is who I am and one day I'll be okay not being the son that I think you want me to be."

So this is how it's going to happen - My parents are coming to Los Angeles this 4th of July weekend to visit me after I gave them a guilt trip.  I'm putting them in an AirBnB and picked the restaurants.  I bought tickets to a fireworks show at Hollywood Bowl and in between acts I will say, "Dad... I noticed that you liked my profile picture... I'm going to get married one day and I hope you're okay with that."

And... then who knows what he'll say, but I hope that the warm LA night and light from the fireworks will help make this moment feel positive... because it is.

I told my coworker my plan and she started tearing up.  I was surprised that she was so empathetic.  How is it possibly for a straight person to understand the emotions of coming out to their parents.  But then I realize that people are willing to listen, understand and support their LGBT friends and family.  And because of this we're not alone anymore because we have visibility.

Dad, I'm here.  I'm Queer.  And you already know that...  but now we can talk about it.

Break Up Season

Two years ago I wrote about being surrounded by gay couples.

It was an optimistic post that declared that gay long term relationships actually exists and that I have something to look forward to in the long run.  Two years later a 3rd of those couples that I mentioned in that post has broken up.  What's odd is that they all broke up at the same time ringing in 2015 painfully awkward, yet they all seemed to be reprogrammed to start new projects that are focused on self accomplishments.

Is there an expiration date?  Is there something in the air?

3 month mark - Superficial Reasons
6 month mark - Substantial Reasons
3 year mark - Start Over. New Chapter. Refocus. 
6 year mark - Shit.

It seems like for relationships there are time markers during which couples or individuals really reevaluate.  Maybe instead of celebrating anniversaries with Jimmy I should be celebrate passing these markers.  But as we get older, it really is an accomplishment.



How does it make me feel?

I feel like I should be more concerned and upset that I actually am.  I feel like my optimism has taken a blow and I should be protesting, but I've come to accept it as a reality.  Maybe it's because gay men challenge themselves to prove that they are better than what society expects them to be.  And this requires them to constantly reevaluate their achievements, relationships and life goals.

Anyway, I'm currently obsessed with Oliver Hampton from How to Get Away with Murder.  When they first introduced him, I rolled my eyes because he was a stereotype Asian character: nerdy, weak, taken advantage of... but as the show progressed the writers really fleshed out the relationship.  The latest scene got my emotions all tangled up.  And Oliver got so cute so fast. Of course I'm following the actor Conrad Ricamora on instagram.




Take it slow Oliver... but check-in in 6 months.


I haven't watched TV in years. I refer to youtube to find programing that includes Asian Americans.

Mass media seems to only include people look and think like you, but if you walk the footsteps of an Asian you'll learn things you never knew you never knew...

Fresh of the Boat is hilarious.   Let's make it through one season, that's all I ask.

February House Party: Hayyyy - Lunar New Year Party

Ernesto said that 321 would make a very good anthropological study.  Such a subculture... the mysterious gay asian... what do they do?  what do they talk about?  what is important to them?  What is 321?  Lol... It's a gaysian frat house that throws parties, but as predicted we've slowed down as we've started to (kinda) grow up.

Our last house party was "What do Gay Horses Eat?  HAAAAAYYY"... a lunar new year party.  Year of the Horse celebration.  This happened back in February and the decorations are still up!?  I usually would schedule this post closer to when it happened, but thought it would be nice to relive it since it's been so long.  Also my hair looks great... you look great.  I did write about preparing and the trauma I experienced hunting for decorations.

I was excited to get everyone drunk off of Fireball shots and play Rage Cage, but I was more excited to introduce a gambling game to everyone.

There was no photobooth this time, but people actually brought coins to play Bầu Cua Cá Cọp.  I was so happy to share something cultural to our usual drunken house party festivities.  I was super hyper - I was yelling and encouraging everyone to bet their laundry money.  People seemed to enjoy it.  It was something different.

Group pictures in the living room

Chilling in my bedroom

Balcony and Hallway

These pictures were selected and edited by Jimmy for Facebook to share.  As I go through them.. it really does look like a worthwhile cultural study.  What is this community of friends... what do they all have in common?  Why do they seem to be having so much fun?

So much happiness

The night ended at 2AM somewhere in the 626....places are still open?!! .... fascinating.

Lucas who Uses Venmo is Cute as Fuck

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Candyland - 321 Christmas Party

The thing about Christmas is that I can decorate the house with the tackiest decorations and no one can judge.  The house looks like the Christmas section of the dollar store exploded... which it sort of did since I keep adding to my Christmas collection.

This year's theme was Candyland!!  Which I thought was easy, except I couldn't find any decorations.  I was discouraged until I realized... I could just hang candycanes in the hallway and just scatter candy all over the tables.  Done.

We had the photobooth in Andrew's room and as of late, he's been taking the opportunity above and beyond and surprised me with a CandyCrush backdrop that he printed from FedEx Office.  $$$$$!

This made me so happy.  Sometimes I feel as though I put too much effort into these parties, spending too much, going over the top... but when when Andrew presents these creative creations I can't but be really thankful that there's someone else equally insane.

A lot of things going on in this picture which makes me laugh.

Ern/Erik got the house an inflatable Unicorn which matches perfectly with the theme of the house: random.

Gifts got creative this year which a couple of highlights:

• One of a kind KFC candle.. "too unique a gift to pass up" proclaimed Jon when he stole the gift
• A one month subscription to SeanCody - which was interesting to our honorable lesbian
• Very popular Fashion swag that was stolen many times

Last year we had a white elephant game with 56 people which I was sweating to manage.  We had to cut down the invite list since the house was going to fall a part which pained me greatly since I always want to introduce new friends.  We hit 30 which felt more intimate and manageable and everyone went home early to other other parties since it was a popular Saturday.  

Pink Elephant in the Room

"You shouldn't use the word 'friend' so lightly."

After getting over how attractive the actors are in this clip, this short for the 2012 10th Annual Taiwan LGBT Pride really resonated with me.  Though I'm more out to my family than Jimmy, I feel very much like Andy from this short.

A response to this video read, "I wish it was that easy."   No matter how accepting your family is there's still a coming out that you need to do to yourself.  At times I still feel ashamed.  Regardless of having many gay friends, doing gay things and basically spewing rainbows from all pores of my body - I don't feel, or will ever feel "normal" per se.

I'm feeling it now with really straight coworkers who talk about ex girlfriends.  They politely avoid asking me because I haven't made it clear that I was comfortable talking about my personal life.  In fact, it was so obvious when a coworker went around the table asking everyone who they were dating at a lunch.  When they finally got to me, they asked, "Are you still in Echo Park?"  Anyone who was paying attention would have noticed.  Polite/Considerate is the only description I can give to what happened.

The issue is - I do not want to impose/share my "unique" lifestyle on to them.  Much like being a pro-choice liberal lost in the deep south or conservative Republican in the Castro - you are silenced because you know that your beliefs, values cannot be shared by the majority that surrounds you.  It's like when you step out of your circle of like-minded individuals, you have a hard time connecting, relating... talking in general and you find it difficult/rude to insert yourself when you don't fit in.  So I'm silent.

Silent to my straight coworkers, silent to my family and the picture of me and Jimmy that sits so obviously on the homepage of my phone is just an image of me and my "friend" standing very close to me.  We can talk about something else that everyone can understand like food.

...and because of that, I feel like coming completely out to my family would not do any good.  Because the issues, feelings and events in my life will never be understood and I'm only asked for a brief moment out of courtesy.  They will never understand... would identifying the big pink elephant in the room improve the quality of my life?

And that's my problem...  it's a lack of pride in my gay beliefs, my gay values, my gay identity.  Walking shirtless at pride means nothing if I'm still telling my parents that I'm going "out" instead of going to a gay event...

...but at the same time I can't expect that all of a sudden I can share everything that I'm thinking feeling doing to every last detail 100% after coming out. Rather, when the giant pink elephant in the room (which at this point is taking up all the available space that no one can see anything else) deflates, I will no longer have to lie or be ashamed.

Fuck.  I can only imagine the amount of tears I would be in talking to my dad who comments all over my uncensored facebook.  At that point I would have finally come to terms with wanting to tell my dad how I love... knowing that he would hug me and tell me that he loves me because he had many years to prepare himself as the elephant kept growing ever since he found gay porn on my computer when I was 12.

I've procrastinated so long and just want my dad to come to me; like in the video.  But... it really isn't that easy is it?  Taiwan, you paint such a pretty picture, taking a different angle to coming out that puts me on edge.

Grindr Friendship

My grindr profile reads:

Looking to explore hidden LA.
For easy going friends.  Echo Park resident.

And I mean it!

Gay Coworker: Does your bf know you're on grindr?
Me: Yes, he's on it too
Gay Coworker: Why?
Me: Dunno to see who's gay around me.  Plus it's all for friends anyway
Gay Coworker: But it's really not

Gay Coworker has a point.  (BTW, I'm discovering my company likes hiring gays.)  Most people aren't on grindr JUST for friends, there's always some sort of sexual interest.  Whether you act on it or not depends on how loyal you are to your boyfriend.  I rationalized, "it's like interactive porn."  But like porn - just look, don't touch and of course watch it together if you want.

But then read this profile above "Not here to hook-up."  Then... why are you showing off your greek god abs?  I should submit this to Douchebags of Grindr. I really don't get why there so much contradiction in the gay community.  I guess we are just unable to admit the reality of our own true motives.  And it's more appealing when the dude isn't such a blatant hoe. "Just looking for friends huh...?  That's hot."

Even if you're really just looking for friends.  It's usually attractive friends so you (the inclusive you) block the uglies.  Why does it matter?

The contradiction!!!!  *DEAD*  Our "Community" #ashamed

The other day, someone on Grindr texts me:  IM JUST LOOKING FOR FRIENDS TOO!  Without looking at his pic, I give him my screenname and we chat a little bit at work where I find out the following:

• He works in the same industry
• He recently had a chat with my VP
• He's going to the LGBT Film Festival
• He walks his dog

And he logs off.  Perfect.  Another candidate to shirk my already small gaysian world.  I think if I were in a straight relationship, this would not fly, but I think that we're gay, we're social, we're always trying to build a family because we've felt so outcasted growing up.  And any medium that offers that is utilized - (or maybe that's just me being an extrovert).  I've made friends through youtube, downelink, Grindr and met Jimmy by finding his Tumblr.  So there, I made a potential friend, but forgot his name and was too busy stressing about life to really indulge in any conversation.

So can you chat platonically on Grindr?  Yes.

...does that mean I will I meet up with this randO?  Not unless he knows something about LA that I don't... and that's my motive (#user).  And I'm bringing Jimmy because we've come to a point in our relationship where we replaced the pronoun I with WE.  (or maybe that's a bad idea). Maybe I'll invite him to a 321 party and see him stir the pot.  I love bringing new faces to my circle and watching my single friends jump on them like starving vultures.

Grindr is useful.  I encourage all gay friends to just be on it... like the Mutant Registration Act.

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Found an interesting gaysian, Justin Huang who writes for huffington post: http://www.iamyellowperil.com/

SUPPORT THE FREEDOM TO LOVE

Queerious

I just stumbled upon Queerious after checking out fellow blogger Alex's google images search flub.

Apparently when you Google Image Search "Rice Queens," a picture of him and his friends appear as the number 1 search result.  This has happened to me, but the search term was "obese."  Anyway, scroll down further and I found Queerious:

You can see my ADD translated through my Firefox tabs

I love stumbling.  I'm curious to where that third image on the top row leads.

Once I find a blog, I have to read it in its entirety before I can add it to my google reader.  Thankfully, Queerious only launched in January.  As I chucked at a well written entry about RAGE - Really Asian Gay Experience, I realized that the writer was at house last week with homemade dumplings... and the slew of contributors were actually a part of my circle of friends.

Yay for the Gaysian American circle of 100 people.

While you're there, help them determine if particular Asian portrayal in movies is Racist or Ironic.  Quentin loves discussions.

==

And in my attempt to love WeHo for what it is (swaggerless - When the DJ played Go Girl per my request, the club literally stopped dancing and folks made "wtf is this" faces.) Queerious shared a video to show me how I can dance LA's botched remixes mindless house music.

Koala

He told me he likes my cheeks.
I told him I like his nose.

We baby talk and it's wonderfully disgusting.  Everything we say to each other starts with W's like -

"Wow was war way Boo boo?"  God, its adorably revolting. 

I told him that I knew that I like him because I let his feet touch my body.  I think feet are disgusting... unless it belongs to someone I'm dating.  If it's someone I'm just sleeping with, when their feet touch my calves I jolt away.... it's gross. 

When I see him, I put my arms around his shoulders then lift one leg at a time onto his hips until he is forced to carry me.  "KOALA!" I scream.

When ever I kiss him, he makes this face that I can recognize immediately.

I don't have to do much to get to know him because well... he's a friend.  A friend that I've always had a crush on.  I like staring into his eyes until he gets embarrassed and looks away or leans forward for a kiss.

When we were cuddling the other night he turned to me in mid-sleep and said, "i love you" and started to snore.  I told him in the morning and he was embarrassed.  "You must have been 'WTF'" he proclaimed. 

I responded, "actually I held you tighter... and said it back."  But then I realized that I could have dreamt the entire thing. I just became the first person to consciously say/admit to the "l" word.  "I really like you" was sufficient.  Great... I was hopping to say it on more of an occasion.

He's helped me keep my New Years resolution of cooking more by essentially cooking for me and as I'm writing this all out I'm beginning how typically fast this is going. 

I am more excited than anything to change my facebook relationship status for the first time ever....  I WANT A FUCKING HEART TO SHOW UP NEXT TO MY NAME ON YOUR FACEBOOK FEED!

Ern said to me, "you guys went straight to domestic." I'm a U-Haul Lesbian apparently.

I guess, when everything just feels right, you just go at gay-warp speed and hope everything works out.  Cuz feeling "right" is hard to come by.  So frustrated with the dating pool and frustrated with ourselves that we become...

• Serial Daters
• Mega Sluts
• Introverted

 ...and when something that "feels right" comes along you hold onto it as tight as possible like a Koala on Eucalyptus.  

But I didn't initially feel this way especially since I've been a proponent of "free love."  AKA  Dating/Whoring around for the sake of gaining different experience from different people.