Saturday, November 29, 2008

Smiling With Your Eyes

I always have a good time with my cousin's during the Holidays. This year we took what we learned from Tyra Banks and tried to Smile with our eyes.

And then we tried SULTRY EYES

Then Crystal taught us how to do "Salsa poses." She explained that it was like holding an egg in your hand. Hence-

I dunno, this is how I hold eggs in my hand.

Oh, and my cousin Jessica has a twin. She oddly looks like an Asian Nicole Richie High.

My Cousins are HOT

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Recovery Week

After talking to a couple of folks, I began to understand that being without a job is a huge negative in the attraction game in the US. Like HUGE. LIKE... UTTERLY, Ridiculously HUGE. LIKE OMG, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST LOSER AND I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU... HUGE.

My letting the ice melt philosophy is wearing thin as most of my ice has already melted. What would the German girls say?

Diana invited me over to kick it with her family, but I told her that I was embarrassed to see her dad because I don't have direction in life. I ended up visiting her anyway an hour later. At the table Diana asked me if she could repeat what I had said on the phone because she was amused.

I guess.. why hide how you feel? Diana's parents gave a warming 'awe' and told me that they'd always be proud of me and that they know I will succeed. I responded that I hope so and her mom rebutted, "I know so."

Heh. I really have taken steps back when my friends' parents feel obligated to push me in some direction. But at the same time, it was nice to hear.

We played charades with the family, and it was ridiculously fun.


Earlier in the day, I got a phone call from Alysia's mom.

"Hi April! What is up?!"
"I'd like to know if you are coming over to eat at 3 or what?" She was blunt and harsh
"Oh for Thanksgiving day? I didn't kno... yes of course! I'll be there!"
"Good, that's all I wanted to know, if you don't like wine, please bring something for yourself to drink."
"Okay, bye."

Alysia's Mom is offbeat, but clearly loves me. After all, I've been coming over and eating their rotting leftovers since 2002 even if Alysia wasn't there.


After Charades was nice casual outing with most of Ignia at Mission Ale- Warm coats and good conversation. Diana was concerned when we parked on a "shady" street. Though if you looked around, it was well lit and right next to City Hall. HAHA. Though there was a scary, sassy argument between this thug and his hoe. Diana witnessed an authentic circle snap. I have yet to see an authentic one.

Yes, Caitlin is as orange as her hat!!!

We are preparing for the Ski trip! Yes SIR! Aaron's ballin' mother is getting us a suite with a Jacuzzi, bottle service at a club, and a buffet dinner.

Thank you Filipino mom's who play Black Jack. Aaron's mom is V I P!


I spent the day with Joe and then ended up back at Mony's place. Szeto joined us for some desserts and 30 Days of Night at my favorite Vampire movie that kicks TWILIGHT'S ASS ten fold!

In between we played, "Monyboo" which is Taboo, but you relate it to Mony. HAHAHA. TRY! IT, it's a fun twist to a classic game! HAHA.

It felt really good. Just to have my boys back. Laughing, goofing, and hating on each other.

If any of you are in North San Jose. Check out "Pho KANG!" SO FUCKING good. The decorations are tasteful and the chairs are a modern wood finish (as opposed to tacky gold Chinese chairs that are curved on top and found at Dim Sum places.) Most importantly they gave HELLA MEAT! Sadly, I did not have my camera. But take my word. Order the Hieu Tieu Bo Kho- Noodle Beef Stew. I was orgasmic with each bite!

Before my 'therapy' session I had Vietnamese food with my cousin. She wanted to hear my Vietnam stories and i was excited to share.

Vietnamese AMERICAN food is loaded with carbs, fats, chemicals... These pieces look like they are about to explode. The proportions are ridiculous.

And the meats were SWEATING!

Also, we found a fancy Jack-in-the-Box that had a chimney. I think it should have been called a Jack-in-the-Crate-and-Barrel.

My cousin has been adding an extra 'I' in the word Chimney... pronouncing it: chimIney. I concluded that Mary Poppins' is to blame for that song, "Chim chimIney, ChimIney, Chim chim cher oo" Messing up American speech since the 60's.


I feeling a lot better, I feel more driven and I open the shades to my room to let the sun in now. woot.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008


I attended a discussion with Project 333 on Monday regarding the increase in API's who have tested positive.  By the end of the night, it became a therapy session that I greatly needed.


During the discussion, we established that Sex is a taboo and therefore there is little proper education about it, but I'm glad that it's an open conversation with me and my mom.

 My mom saw my hickey last week and this is what she said:
"is that a hickey?"
"yes." *SHAME*
"Christopher... always think twice!"
"Okay!" And then I ran way... I thought I told myself never to go into the kitchen again!


The grad student facilitating the discussion was very good, engaging, and his white board utilized arrows, circles and colors to keep the discussion organized. I felt like I was back in classroom discussion where people were actually thinking. It felt good to think.

Why Engage in risky behavior?
Possibly because we feel invincible. There is no possible way we can get sick. And we idiotically trust our partners. At times, I feel invincible. I am also a victim of this idea... that nothing possibly bad can happen and as a result I engage in risky behavior.

Trust no one.


The second part of the discussion involved "triggers." Or things namely stress, loneliness, depression that push us to participate in risky behavior. I participated in a skit where someone was recently dumped because he wasn't sexually experienced enough and as a result went to Dragon, and hooked up with an Abercrombie Model who also offered him pills.

WOW! Does that really happen? Who Hooks up at Dragon?!


I wanted to talk about my trigger, but I wasn't brave enough. So I'll talk about my trigger here.
Feeling trapped and needing to depend on others
And my risky behavior ironically becomes dependency.

Let me explain- especially now, I feel as though I have no control over my life. And that I need to depend on others to get around to figure things out. I feel inferior and unaccomplished and worthless. My risky behavior is then dependency because I no longer think for myself... comfort myself... entertain myself... be productive.  And I reach out like a child for a blanket or a book of answers. It's a ridiculous circle, i know.  But my friends/James have doing a spectacular job at cutting me off and letting me fend for myself.  The lightrail is my car and my blog is my lover.

But I find it so difficult to only depend on yourself... when you suck so much.


Then they talked about Goal Setting and how risky behavior is an obstacle and passed out a worksheet. I am excited to fill it out and share it with you.  Ironically, I facilitated a goal setting workshop in High school.

This is exactly what I need... exactly. It felt like therapy.

Monday, November 24, 2008

For Good Measure

I already prepared myself to forget about James. Removed him from my IM list so that it would stop glaring at me. Like everything else, I was getting over it. The bridge I built to get over it had an approved bullet train thanks to proposition 1A.

He IMed me, asked if I was free and told me he was coming over to get his beanie that he had forgotten at my house before I left for Vietnam. I didn't wait for him, what I learned was not to expect anything from him. But he arrived in front of my house like he said. I walked to his car wearing his beanie giving him the choice of staying or going.

If he had just grabbed his beanie and left, I would have shrugged my shoulders. I just needed a hug and a nice good bye to get closure. In many ways, that would have been better.

I asked him if he wanted to come in and he followed me into my room.


For some reason, I couldn't stop looking at him. He lost weight, his hair was longer and he was wearing new glasses, he was more attractive than before. "Can we talk?" As I held him tight in my bed he needed to say what was on his mind.

"You know, you don't have to say anything because I really understand." Especially since we have had this conversation before.
"no, we really should talk"

He said everything that I expected him to say, but was more apologetic. To me, I had put him in that situation so there was no need for him to feel bad. But I guess I am good at making people feel guilty.

"What would you say if this is the last time I see you"
"I would say that.. it makes sense"
"What ever 'relationship' we have is unhealthy... we both know it."
"That's why it makes sense"

He cried a little. Adorable.

"Can you let me know when you find someone that makes you happy?"
"That won't be for a while because I have to establish myself before I establish a relationship with anyone."
"Heh, me too..." James was planning a trip at the end of the year. A trip to figure himself out.
"I guess we are more a like than I thought"


As we kissed he said, "Wanna hook up one more time?"
And I slapped him.


Removing the excitement of uncertainty, we messed around one last time. But it was different. It was playful not passionate. There was more laughter and conversation in between. I would have been happy just laying next to him naked.

"Maybe I should go... maybe this is a bad idea" too bad he's the one that bluntly asked for it.
"It's up to you, I'm okay really... so it doesn't matter to me, but I'd like you stay longer"

In the FARRRR back of my mind, I knew that it was a bad idea. If not for me, than for him to prolong the good bye with naked fun. Plus part of him was thinking about going to the gym anyway. I could read him like a book... a book with pictures... lots of pictures.


I wanted to take a picture of him. Of course he wouldn't let me. But I told him that I would hand him the camera and he would have the power to delete or not. I was able to take one good artistic shot of his adorable face. I handed him the camera. "This is actually a very good shot." He bit his lip as if he was deciding if he should let me keep it or not. He returned the camera and I turned it off without checking.


"I can't be there for you... I can't let you be a part of my life completely, maybe just 65%." We laughed.
"Part of me wants to fight for you, part of me doesn't"
"Fight for what? Want me to come out?"
"No... just try to make it work"

"I don't like having a double life. Even getting your text messages, I get paranoid." I agreed, but what I should have said was- you're going to ALWAYS live a 'double life.' But once again, I was tired of fighting.


"What if I told you I had a girlfriend?" Like me, James is curious about different scenarios.
"Then that would be HOT, because I slept with you!" My straight guy fetish is obvious.
"I never thought of it like that!" I guess, he was expecting a sad answer.

"I'm glad you came"
"I didn't want to just disappear with out saying anything... I don't want to be like that"
"Yeah.. and you also needed to get your beanie."
"That too."

The fact that he decided to come to visit me to talk was more than what I had expected. If he had disappeared, I would have just filed him under jerk and moved on. But I felt really respected. And something right was happening for once... and maybe he cared about me more than I thought... and that's all I could ask for really.


I watched him dress and I thought to myself how physically attracted I am to him, but once again, "I can't be there for you" rang through my ears. He wasn't even capable of being friend... couldn't even check on me if I was okay. Couldn't even call to say hi.

"Almost forgot this" he grabbed his beanie
"Darn!" this really was good bye.


As we embraced at my door step, our favorite place to embrace. He asked me what I was thinking about. "I am thinking about how tall you are and how I like it." He smiled. "What at you thinking about?"
"How this is the last time I'm going to see you... and I'm going to miss you...I really like you Chris." I smiled.

"You probably think i'm just using a line.. that I'm bullshitting." He read my face. Especially since we've done this before but this time he wanted to cut all contact.

"well, if you think this is the right thing to do."
"it is." his words were confident and sharp, but his eyes were unsure.
"then... it's okay, as long as you're sure."
"I'm not going to contact you anymore."
"I already removed you for my buddy list."
"really?" he was surprised at how quick I was. like I said... Bullet Train.


He grabbed my butt and we said almost in unison, "for good measure." Because that's what he usually says when he grabs my butt at my door step.


He left me with a gift from the Philippines. Before he gave it to me, I was thinking that he was returning the KidRobot toy and friendship bracelet I had made for him. I reached into the bag and pulled out a wooden penis ashtray from the Islands. Of course. The Philippines has a wooden penis obsession. We had one last good laugh.


As he walked away, I put my hand on my head trying to absorb everything that happened. He stopped and asked if I was okay. And I was.. really I was. He probably thought I was crying.. maybe he wanted to comfort me one more time. But I don't cry over boys.

I never asked if he was okay. I'd always assume he was stronger one.. or rather just used to facing things alone.


I returned to my room and looked at my camera. He had deleted the picture.

And that's what happens when you seek comfort off craigslist. And why people say, "no strings attached." Like spider-man falling from a skyscraper, I had shot a shit full of string onto James, hoping that he would catch me before I fell.

But it was too much for him to handle... he couldn't even be a friend.

I am thankful that he respectfully told me that I needed to find someone else to depend on and by doing so he had actually saved me from falling too hard.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Ooo, Music Is Getting Better!

Obviously I haven't been downloading Music so I got some Top Hit Tracks and I was pleasantly surprised.

These songs are fun and very danceable.

Hot 'N Cold by Katy Perry
Shake It by Metro Station
Just Dance (Official Remix) by Lady GaGa
Let it Rock by Kevin Rudolf
Shut Up and let Me Go by The Ting Tings

Thank you OBAMA!! Yes, we CAN improve the Music of the nation.

3D Films Make me Dizzy

Disclaimer- Non Emo Version of What I've been Up to.

November DRAGON!!!!!
If someone offers you a ride to the city, YOU TAKE IT!!! I found myself with a random slew of boys drinking and dancing the night away. DJ ZAX on the hip hop floor was interesting.

He played very obscure tracks toward the end, but people kept dancing. I noticed some faces turning sour as each track he played was really unrecognizable. It was as if he were playing TRACK 6 off all the gay hip hop albums. You know, the TRACK that no one plays on the radio and it only comes up while you are doing homework. yeah, random shit like that.

And a random picture with some acquaintances found itself on the facebook. Strange. I dont remember flipping off the camera. Sadly, non of THE boys were there.


"Do you know the plan today? We are going to Visit grandpa and then go to church" asked my dad.
"Actually, I have lunch plans with the boys"
"Do you know what today is? It's your grandma's death anniversary!'

ARG! But we made it work. With the help of Joe's love of driving, I got where I wanted to be in no time at all. We were at the Standford shopping center and I felt like I was in the HILLS.

People were excessively rich and snooty. Ugh. "This line is OUT OF CONTROL!" This sassy, ditsy Asian girl exclaimed while she waited for her overpriced cupcake from Sprinkles.

You can even buy a cupcake for your dog. Are you serious?
What a terrible place.

Death Anniversaries are a big deal to Vietnamese folks. You're supposed to have a HUGE dinner and invite everyone. It's like Thanksgiving, but rather you are paying respects to someone who has passed away. My Vietnamese American family decided just to have it at a Chinese place.

The boys wanted to see BOLT in 3D.
Bad idea. My eyes were so tired trying to focus and I slept on Szeto's shoulder 20 minutes into the movie. I felt like throwing up on the Hannah Montana child sitting in front of me.

Sadly, I was unable to appreciate the movie for its 90% approval rating on rotten tomatoes.


I bought a new camera condom off Ebay. And look what they sent me.

I am mildly offended. I ordered BLACK!
Dang... even people's gaydar in Hong Kong go off when they come close to interacting with me.


Trying to dress better. I don't think I was meant to dress better. I try to remember rules and put together a semi decent outfit. Ugh. It's so unnatural.

I'm considering growing out my hair, I did it two years ago, what do you think? The inbetween stage is horrible and it's probably gonna make me look younger. MMmm, but I want some sexy, run your fingers through my hair.. hair.

My brother is actually kicking my ASS in the cool department... especially now that he's taller than me.

While searching for more hairchives, I found this picture. I love the composition.

Releasing Thoughts

Disclaimer: Immature and Emo Entry

I haven't posted because I've been depressed and I'm trying a new method of resolving my depression called Holding it In. What an epic fail.

No, it's not a big deal that the DMV has decided that I am not fit to drive until two months after my expected date. It IS a big deal that I continually feel like I'm being kicked in the balls and slapped in the face despite my efforts. I am fed up- surprise fees, extended probation periods... it doesn't end even though I am begging to put everything behind me, something new always comes up.

I yelled at my lawyer for the 'misunderstanding.' He was apologetic, I was tired of fighting.

I feel like someone is out to get me. And I hid in my room for 5 days trying to reestablish my faith in my life.


Depression, what is it? You sleep a lot. You're awake at odd hours. You eat junk, you don't eat at all. No energy, no motivation. I experienced that for those 5 days. I slept at 10pm and woke up at 4:30am seeking comfort from who ever was online. Scanning my buddy list an obsessive amount of times; messaging people that I haven't messaged in ages but unfortunately, even insomniacs have already climbed into bed by that time.

I took a walk at 5:00am. I climbed the hill behind my house. My imagination ran wild and I pictured getting stabbed. Fear. I sat in tree and took pictures of the early morning mist. Maybe I should stay here until sunrise. But I grew lonelier.

I have been having suicidal thoughts. I feel like walking into the street, hoping to get run over by a drunk driver so that irony can end my stress an anxiety.


I didn't feel like reaching out anymore. I wanted to be found. I wanted to be cared about with out having to ask for it. I needed someone to say, "Chris, I care about you and things are going to be okay." Because hearing your own voice, no matter how bold it may be, can never compare to hearing it from someone who means it.


On Thursday I chatted with a friend
"I am depressed"
"So am I"
"I need to get out of the house"
"Then do it Chris"
"Yes, I will... because we are do-ers!"
"GO Chris GO!"

And I found myself biking to the mall. If I was in Vietnam, I would have gone somewhere more interesting... my love for the suburbs has gone stale.

Mony called me and I took the light rail to his place. I helped a guy buy a ticket and he gave me a dollar. That cheered me up temporally.

I slept over. And crawled into bed with his roommate while Mony slept with his bf who loves him an absurd amount. I found myself reaching out and wrapping my arm around his roommate... absorbing his body heat hoping that it may heal me.


I was looking forward to Saturday. It was an important day because finally things were back to normal- Joe, Zeto, Mony and I were back together. I felt like some regularity was coming back.

And Mony brought his boyfriend with out telling anyone. Took me half a day to get over it. I felt disrespected. I felt like I was back in high school because Drama was becoming my favorite subject and I was more selfish than I should have been.


William told me to 'get out of my head.' Because I was thinking too much... I was trapped in my own mind. And Joe poured compliments down my throat like thick sweet maple syrup after I vented to him. "I am depressed."

"You are spectuwonderawesomebrillamazing." Joe really cares about me.


After two weeks of not really hearing from him, James called me on Friday. Drunk.
Told me he missed me.
Told me he missed holding me.
Saying shit like, "you want to be my boyfriend don't you? I was picturing us dating at a restaurant. Do you have a crush on me?"

I was very very very vulnerable... and he liked it.
And then he disappeared, ignoring my text messages... all of a sudden.. he was really busy. Like any craigslist hook up you're suppose to FUCK then leave.

But for James he stole my unashamed affection for him... and then left.

Which I think is worse.
He is a drug. Providing me with a quick fix of comfort, but at the same time destroying my health as I became dependent... because I needed someone to act like I was wanted.


Wow. This feels really good. Fuck holding it in.


I'm okay now. I just needed to be around some people. I was getting cabin fever. I am struggling to find something to keep me busy. and "What Not to Wear" on TLC have been rotting my brain.

Wasn't Vietnam supposed to help me be inspired? Yes... it was. Inspired me to wish I was back there. Let's go back for 2009.

In the mean time, I'm going to listening to Lady Gaga-- and just dance.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Just some Videos of Interest

I've been denied my license until January.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Since I've Been Back

A nice welcome back dessert with the boys.

I Don't Miss "American Food"

I was asked if I missed American food while I was in Vietnam. I confidently responded, "no." Pizza? Hamburger? All American Breakfast and BBQ? I can do without. My mom took me out to some good Vietnamese American food and I have to say.. it was disgusting. HAHA, well, not that bad, but definitely does NOT compare to eating on the streets of Vietnam.

I'm already feeling bloated and gross eating American food. Yuck.

VSA Fallshow Case

I love fall showcase. Inspirational... and showcase of talent and culture. The Traditional dance was the best I've seen and JV's spoken word was hot hot hot. The chairs we removed for a more intimate setting and the majority of the audience stayed to the very end. Love it.

Through out the night, I would say that people were using Vietnamese magic. The drawing on the chalkboard was done in two minutes by Sonny. Art bleeds from his fingers. Vietnamese magic.

I ran into a Filipino guy and a Japanese guy at the showcase! Spreading culture and love!
I had time to kill so I went to sproul and TABLED!! I know... something only Christopher would do.

Local Bars of San Jose

If they weren't overweight, they were over 40. We witnessed a Cougar get freaky with a midget. The whole room was watching.. because no one else was dancing.

Protest in the City

Aaron was inspired to go to the protest and I'm glad I went. A lot of empowering speakers. December 10th is Day with out gay. "There will be no hairdressers, no opera, no sitcoms, no fashion, no Beyonce... it's going to be scary." HAHA, we'll see how much power gay people actually have.


I came back early from Vietnam for Mony's birthday even though I wanted to stay through December. I had nothing to do with the planning nor did I actually see Mony on the day of because they had made plans without me. There's Joe holding a cake for Mony. That was me last year.

Sort of bittersweet. It has inspired me to apply to jobs in various locations: SF, LA, NY... Hawaii. The friends that have kept me home are moving away... they don't let me keep them back... so why be held back by them?

Covering Up Shame
Wearing scarves, ugly hoodies and band aids over my hickeys have made me more embarrassed than ever. I felt trashy, like an ugly person showing off that he's getting some. And obligated to cover it up. Asking Caitlin for make up. Pressing cold metal spoons.

"What happened to your neck?"
"Oh.. at the protest... a Mormon beat me. 'Bad homosexual, no marriage for you!'"
And laughter deters curiosity

"What's that on your neck?" asked Mony with a smile
"Shame..." Mony knew me too well for me to avoid truth.

Last night, I partied too hard in Downtown. My Vietnamese body was not used to American liquor. I paid for strangers drinks that doubled my tab and threw up on the street and ran to the car before the cops got me. I crashed at Caitlin's house and threw up her dad's breakfast that he offered me. I made up for my irresponsibility by making good conversation with her cool parents. I told them about Vietnam and how I hated the mosquitoes.

"It looks like you got some bites on your neck too" Caitlin's dad did not smile, like Mony smiled.
"Yeah.. I hope they go away soon." Caitlin started to laugh.

They drove me home and offered a barf bag. "It looks like you didn't make it" Caitlin's mom pointed out some throw up on the car floor from last night. I was very embarrassed and cleaned it quickly. "All better! As if it didn't happen!" Caitlin's parents smiled.

They were probably thinking how reckless I am.

It's true. I am very reckless.