2019 Thots and Jots

Jimmy usually stays up until 3AM on the living room couch lost in his thoughts, creating art, watching his favorite TV show.  This morning, it's my turn to step away from the warmth of our bed and spend some alone time journaling at 5AM.  After all, I am the early bird and he is a night owl.

I told myself this year that I would be more transparent with my relationship with people.   On the theme of Marie Kondo I told a very old infatuation that I was letting them go and thanked them for the joy that they provided.  I was holding on to this idea of fleeting moments that some would consider beautiful and romantic.  At this point of my life, I've determined it to be more destructive and distracting.  I feel relieved, I feel honest and feel like I had just grab a box of my old college clothes that never fit right and donated them.

He responded, "I'm no dummy" and thanked me for my honesty.  But there was nothing really for him to thank, it was more for me to say good bye to something that didn't exist.

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It's now 6AM and I have the sudden urge to swim laps.  I want to cleanse myself of this feeling of frustration.  I'm confused as to how people could be so careless; how they can flat out lie to their friends and themselves.

People are selfish, manipulative, disrespectful and oblivious and calling them out is something that I'm not quite good at.  But is it my job to teach?  Being nice is my M.O., but to not be critical of others, to behave like everything is okay, does more harm than good it seems especially when it causes me stress.

I'm seeing that Jimmy can be worse than me - play nice, non-confrontational, everyone is happy.  But it would feel so good just to say it:  You're a dishonest / harmful person who's convinced yourself otherwise lying to people to create this image of yourself that's not true.   You're an insecure disrespectful mess and you don't need to try that hard to make people like you.  You're irresponsible and use your friends to gain social clout and it reeks...etc.  but it's just easier to say.  "Hi... I'm great, how are you?"

The challenge is to be emphatic and ask why.  Is it insecurity?  Is it saving face? Is it fear? And once you understand the root you can forgive while holding on to your own boundaries and values.  But man, people can be really shitty and staying away can seem like the only solution.

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I’ve been working on my relationships with people.  I apologized to two others for using them; for only reaching out when I needed something.  I thanked my friends who make me laugh, who share their joy and I told them to their face that I appreciate them and what they bring to my life.

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Towards the end of the year I started to burden myself on checking in with friends.  I allowed myself to listen to people's depression, loneliness, insecurity, trauma without knowing that I've absorbed it all into my body.  I've grown so concerned with people's mental health that I feel like I've forgotten about my own.  But it worries me that my friends are falling a part.  I’ve already experienced a suicide of a close friend and I pray that it doesn’t happen again. 

So for 2019 and for the rest of my life I strive to be..

..transparent with my relationships

..honest with how I'm feeling and express it when appropriate to people who are important

..take care of myself and then take care of others in that order

..(bonus) - spend time with people who bring warmth to my heart and cook meals for me

Okay, crawling back into bed now because the pool is closed.

Being Better in 2018

There was a moment in Hawaii after a lot of drinking when Jimmy called me entitled.  In the hotel restaurant at 2AM, I got upset when Jimmy wouldn't sit with me while the kitchen staff reheated my food.  I obnoxiously responded to his awkwardness, "I paid for this overpriced hotel, It's okay that I asked that they reheat my leftovers."  It was all inline with policy, but Jimmy wouldn't sit with me because he felt bad for the staff.  He was embarrassed and said that I was acting entitled.  I told him sharply in a drunken state that people can call me cheap, tacky, naive .. whatever, but to call me entitled or wasteful was the worst thing you can say to me and I did nothing wrong by asking the 24 hour kitchen to reheat some food.  I was upset that he made it a big deal and I was furious that he called me something that I was so disgusted by and took that opportunity to tell him that I hated hotels, but instead of lashing back at my ridiculousness he told me something that made me feel extremely guilty.

He told me that when he was young, his family couldn't afford to stay in hotels so they would just drive by and he would pretend that he was staying there.  To be able to stay on a beach side hotel now that he's older was an absolutely luxury for him.  While I roll my eyes at the extra fees and announced that I'd rather stay in a poorly kept AirBnb with no AC for a fraction of the price, he was enjoying something that he thought he could never have.  He was already thankful for being there.

I started to cry... cry heavily... because I was drunk and because I was so upset at myself and because of his story.  And I apologized and told him that I would be better.  "We had such a wonderful night, let's just live for that," he responded and that's what we did.

At times it seems like I do a lot for him, but he does even more for me by being patient, loving and understanding which is why we've been together for so long.  My new years resolution for 2018 is to be better.  A better person, a better boyfriend especially now that it's our 7 year anniversary.

I've made many mistakes that I've held close to my chest.  There is so much temptation to be selfish, but I need to remember that we're in it for the long run and that together we can be better people at least for each other.

Goofing Around.

Just playing around with the selfie stick.  Ended up taking a lot of silly couply pictures.

Made some GIFs too.  Heeehee.

I had all this hair length back in March... I just didn't know how to style it and it was cut kinda funky and jimmy hates long hair.

But it was fun to play with.  Maybe I'll grow it out again.

Oh.  Did you know that Taco Bell serves Cinnabon Delights so hot that it melts candles?  Happy Birthday Andrew, your dessert is inedible.

So Goofy.