Soul Cycle

Powerful Fitness Women

With the help of my coworkers, I have attended two spin classes.

Not any spin class, but Soul Cycle.  Imagine yourself strapped to a stationary bicycle.  You are surrounded by women that seem to have their hair up in the same way and wearing the same sports bra. They are pumped.  They are about to burn 700 calories in 45 minutes.

Like bowling, you are required to rent special shoes.  But these shoes are made to attach to your back... so you can't escape.. you are literally connected to the bike petals.  You soul is plugged in.

The first class I took was with this amazing coach... she stated, "tonight you are not a mother, a wife, a girlfriend, a coworker... tonight you were an athlete!!!!"  With those words I felt my breast contract into my body. With only candle light and clubbing music I was on an adventure up virtual mountains as I discover self respects, forgiveness and pain.  It was like I was in a bubble bath of fitness and I brought my favorite vibrator.

To my delight the music of choice was hip hop.  We bounced in rhythm to Ice Cream Paint Job by Dorrough.  We simulated pushups against the handle bars.  We used 1lb weights to tone our arms.  We varied our speeds and pushed through each song with only a couple of minutes to recover.  People were woo-ing and I found myself woo-ing as I ignored the pain my knees, balls of my feet and calves that cramped.  At one point I was going to give up.  It hurts so much, but I was empowered by everyone around me.  The sweat was dripping from my face... any water I had was now on my skin.

The last song was to Heaven by Emeli Sande... I pushed and pushed to finish the program, the mass, the ceremony.  And I prepared myself for my body to crumble after everything has ended... but it didn't because of appropriate post work out stretches.  "Leave behind anything you want and take with you a stronger you."  I felt like I just accomplished something great.... like I found myself and kicked the balls of my aggressor.

I was a new me!

Then I went down the street for an oven brick pizza.  Yes.

by trpennington

by nicogreene

by pb_n_ti

Richard Slimmons

Sally asked me if I wanted to take Richard Simmon's workout class.  I didn't even know he was still active!  Apparently he teaches two classes a week in his studio in Beverly Hills and though he is much older than when he made exercise VHSes, he was flamboyant as ever!

He is so vulgar!  "Get on your knees bitches!  I know some of you are already used to that!"

"Come on you sluts!"  I guess he kept it PG for his videos, but there was nothing to censor him in the studio.  It was amazing and I did break a sweat!

He asked these two guys if they slept with each other.  Awkward!   And after Charles confirmed that he was Korean, Simmons told him to lay off the dumplings.

We lucked out since that weekend was not too crowded.  And for $12, it's worth the experience.  We kept moving to dance and country songs mimicking his simple movements.  At one point, he had the class create a circle.  He pulled random individuals into the center and had them trot around to the beat of the song.

He pulled Jimmy, Charles and Me into the center and instructed us to take off our shirts.  We politely declined and he responded, "TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING SHIRTS!"  So we obeyed while laughing awkwardly dancing in the middle in all of our glory.  It was exhilarating.

I'm sad that Sally moved to the mid west.  She always invites us to these awesomely random things.

Check out the class!
http://www.richardsimmons.com/j15/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=43&Itemid=34

P90x

Five of my coworkers are doing p90x, that workout program as seen on tv. Everytime we miss one day we put a dollar into the loser jar.

On my 3rd day I see my body in a better shape. I slept shirtless because I didn't feel disgusting and I'm pretty impressed with the program. Yoga portion was killer and it's just hard to find time during the week to devote to my body.

I don't need to have abs. I just want to not have lumps of fat in random places. All the food goes straight to my butt and it's so hard to find flattering skinny jeans. Anyone know a good apple bottom skinny Jean brand?

:)

Smaller portions. I need to remind myself. P90x please assist the reshaping of my body.

Cheers to having a nice mid twenties body.

Ability

As of late, after the gym I compensate the calories I just burned off by going to..

1. In-N-Out Burger to get animal style fries (fries with a slice of cheese, onions, thousand island)
2. BJ's Brewery to get a pizookie (baked cookie with ice cream)
3. Taco Bell to get anything on the dollar menu! HOLLA!

..right after.

You may shake your head, but I think I deserve it. Today was awesome though. I felt very manly doing free weights with my boy Smyr. And as I stand here shirtless after a shower in front of the mirror, I think to myself how I'm not as self conscious walking around shirtless or dancing shirtless at a bar.

During the queer conference a couple of weeks ago, I was asked how I affirmed my ability. My peers answered eclectically: "going to the gym," "taking hip hop class," "swimming."

Being physically capable is a privilege... being free from illness is a privilege. I'm very healthy despite all the cheese I consume. I rarely get sick and all the pain and suffering I've had to deal with ONLY involves allergies.

But I've always felt that there MUST be something wrong with me. But for now, I consider myself a lucky bastard. You never know when your body could fail you. And when it does, most of the time your health depends on what your doctor can do for you, but what if... it depends on others?

Please support Project Michelle. She needs to find a Bone Marrow Match by June 21st. It really doesn't hurt to be registered OR to donate. Please educate yourself.

I have been focusing on a couple of drives and helping my cousin, but through my blog I am going to suppress and talk about something that doesn't hurt so much.
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I'm rocking this awesome new FAUX HAWK! I'll take pictures, but I currently miss placed my camera. OMG! Today, I went to SuperCuts as per Joe's suggestion. He gets his stylish Faux Hawk at supercuts and basic cuts at a 7 dollar Vietnamese place on East side. When i walked in, the lady had a thick Vietnamese accent. Great, not again. I asked her firmly. "Have you cut a mohawk before?" She confidently said, "OF course!" She was pleasant, I obliged to stay. As I made conversation in my bad Vietnamese I discovered that I knew her niece who went to Berkeley.

Anyway, she gave me an awesome do that's pretty subtle.

Come to the drive this Friday and you'll see it!

Berkeley Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=18025516147
Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:00am - 2:00pm
Kroeber Fountain- midway between Sproul and Haas
Street: Intersection of Bancroft and College


San Francisco Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=13683444653
San Jose Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=14315327137
Others: http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html

Life's Kicking My Ass; I Retaliate

It was very difficult to wake up this morning.

Last night I focused on trying to get my life together. And it started with cleaning my room. I thought about Damien and MoAny and the VP sales who all believe that clutter holds us back. I examined my room and found that, clutter was what had become my definition.

I bought a container for my scrapbooking materials so I don't have scraps on the floor and stored it. I put stuffed animals in a shoe box because they never really served as decorating purposes, but rather as sentimental childish feelings that belong in a closet. I found magazines and put them in the bathroom because that's the only way they'll get read. I made a file for "body care" and filed images of cool hair, dermatologist appointments and better living documents under my desk.

(My skin is looking great, in my opinion now that I'm using black people skin products! Also, looking in the mirror a lot less helps too and washing my face before I put on my contacts. I have flawless skin with my nearly blind vision.)

I made my bed, cleared my desk and went to the gym. I did some cardio and abs. When I got home I showered and examined myself in the mirror, shirtless. Not too bad. My body is resilient. Eat eat eat, work out once... back to normal. But I've been eating substantially less portions. Food no longer excites me... I have become picky with food and boys.

It's interesting how I let projects linger.
Like an unfinished painting, my life has become just that.
MoAny bought me frames and a shelf for me to decorate my room and the materials have been hiding under my bed and desk for months. I know what needs to be done, but something keeps me from proceeding.

I must overcome this obstacle. I must become something that I am proud of... Nick (who is going to NY to persue his dream at a culinary school), in a drunk state reminded me that I was meant to do great things. And that I just need to find that place where I belong and complete that piece of me. I have the tools... I should get to work. And it starts with putting pictures on my wall before the materials that were handed to me gather too much dust.

Just Working...

My company moved about 8 minutes away from my house.
I now roll out of bed at 8:20 and leave my house at 9am. Since everyone else is tarty, I figure, 9:08am isn't that late.

At lunch, I've gone home to check mail, run errands, sell stuff on Craigslist. It's wonderful. And the drive home is now doable. Yes! But nevertheless, my job is still difficult for me.

Today was nice, I went with a coworker to the gym during lunch! It was FANTASTIC! While in the free weights room, I noticed a couple of cuties. There was a boy in a vintage T with a batman logo who was particularly adorable. We made eye contact about three times and I stared at him as he exited the gym, hoping to catch his eye one more time so that I could officially eye fuck him with a possible mutual return. But nope, he didn't look back and I'll probably have to work out more to find him again. Drat.

Could it be that his glance was homo influenced? Maybe not because a lot of guys check eachother out during "down time" between sets. No, not because they are gay, but because they are just scaling each other up. Alpha Male, my pectoral muscles are bigger than yours, I can crush a can in my hand, can you? sort of deal. Heh, I wonder what the best thing to do is if I ever see him again. Smile? Try to make conversation? Slip him my number. "Hey, um.. you're cute, and I know you have a nice body because you take your work out more seriousily than me: nancy boy on the ellipitcal; 20lb bicept curl, assisted situps, assisted chin ups, assisted everything. Yes, I want you now. Here is my number, I can be your personal trainner." I wonder.

And of course the lockeroom was full of nasty saggy naked men who should be required to wear clothes at all times. Smyr agrees with me here. Yuck yuck yuck. I think the gym locker room turned me a little straight.

February... a lot of shit going on.
Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. HAHA! I typed Ass Wednesday. Anyway, that means no meat on Friday. Does that mean, no sex on Fridays either? Wait, is it lent? Am I supposed to give something up? Ok, I give up... boredom. I'm going to find an organization to get involved with. I need some community.. I've gone too long with out it.

It's also Vietnamese New Year! I'm going to check out the Parade for the first time!! Woot!

Elections, Valentines day and... Black People Awarness Month? OMG...
Hmm... I think someone needs to throw a RED party. LOL!

People Who Always Think About You

I went to the gym yesterday and oh man, my tummy is getting all sorts of trim!

I have to thank Jane for motivating me to go. We seriously talked like two hens on the eliptical at the 24 Hour Fitness down on Santa Teresa. I bet we have a lot of enemies who can't stand our squabble. And GOSH, what's up with those bikes? It hurts my knees and ass. BLAH! I'd rather glide on air!

This Saturday at 11am, I'm going to attend a free dance workshop at Ariel Dance Productions. Anyone want to join me? Yeah!

Anyhow. When I left the gym, I got a phone call from Huan. He invited me to Dave & Busters and I drove to Mony's to get ready and drag him along. There, I was greeted by some familiar faces; mostly from the dancing scene at Berkeley. They were all friendly. The birthday girl gave me a hug. It's funny cuz our parents always kick it like some middle aged Vietnamese clique. WEIRD.

AND I ran into my Cousin! HOLLA! Looking all cute with her new bangs. I imagined her at the salon: "yes, I would like something HIGH FASHION... Something SHEER GENIUS! Something.. that works. Fierce baby fierce!" And the hairdresser going, "OH honey, I know exactly what to do!" CHOP! Walah! Bangs that would make the Olsen Twins green with envy. My cousin is never restricted! Love it!

(Yes, I have been watching Project Runway. And yes, I am GLAD they got rid of that Asian Girl Victoria, because she has no personality. Or rather a personality of a log... not a log on fire because that would be more interesting.)

Huan offered me a drink despite the fact that I owe him dinner for writing me a letter of Rec. despite the fact that I haven't visited him, despite the fact that I was the one with a job...

ThatHuan man, always thinking about me.

And I realized yesterday that he really is a good friend. I mean, I rarely hang out with him, but when I do, it's as if we are best friends. If he's ever in the area, he never hesitates me to invite me out. When there's something poppin' he always lets me know. Huan has invited me to a bunch of things. Ski trip, banquets, parties, eatings .... and even though I usually tell him I'm busy, he continues to think of me. He also told me about that Funkanometry class when I was dying to dance. WOW.... but it's not just inviting me to things. He's there to give advice and look out for my well being every time he pops back into my life. Sort of like.. a brother.

And it's important to keep people like that in your lives. Seriously.

After college, your friendship number drops substantially and you can judge who is really your friend by looking through your phone book. There are only a few people that I would call randomly while driving in traffic. And those people know, that they are the ones that I want to keep in my life... or at least try to.

But with me and Huan, it may be a little different because we go way back. No.. I mean WAY BACK. In Elementary school we did The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe together. In middle school, he invited me to his birthday in his tiny little house.... and in college he would greet me with RAWRS and persuaded me to do something for the Berkeley Vietnamese Community.

And when you have people like that... when you are surrounded by good friends who always welcome you... you just feel lucky. Even though it's raining and there are potholes... and hot gay cowboys are dying. You feel... privileged to be in the presence of people who care about you and think about you.

And it's all amazing. There's me and Huan. I was Father Christmas.. he was... Peter? Haha. Yes, he stole the show. But.. that's just Huan.

What Do I Really Look Like?

I have in my external hard drive a folder titled: Conceited 2003.
Inside are 130 pictures of... you guessed it. Me.
Partially embarrassed, I realize that most of these images make great hairchives for your enjoyment.

Hairchive: The Actors


Hairchive: The Pointy


Hairchive: The Creepy


Hairchive: The Sea Monster


Hairchive: The Ear Ring

Hairchive: The Embarrassing Prom Date

I really do look different photo to photo. In the end, no one really knows what I look like. By merely changing the lighting or ANGLE, I become someone else. And people who have never met me make different assumptions about my personality depending on the picture.

This is the picture I had on XY.com back in 2003. When I met up with the guy... he told me I looked nothing like the picture. Apparently, this isn't uncommon.

But what's more interesting is this phenomenon called the Myspace angles. You will understand once you visit Myspace Angles & More. Some people have mastered the technique of knowing what angels are in their favor when taking a picture. While on downelink, I found this guy. He is also aware of the magic of angles. Take a look for yourself:

That's why photography is an Art... You can transform yourself and create different alter identities by changing angles/context... In addition to lighting and angles, your identity can also be transformed by hair! ;) But whats important is people perceive the real you and what you really look like comes through when they get to know you.

In other news, I went swimming today. Below are my goals.

I'm impressed with my pecs, they are coming along nicely.

Eating Right

According to this fast food report, here are a couple of things to watch out for when you have that fast food CRAVING based on a fat/calorie comparison chart.

"Healthiest Fast Food Items"
Burger: Burger King Whopper Jr.
Chicken Nuggets: Wendy's Chicken Nuggets
Chicken Sandwich: KFC Honey BBQ Snacker
Mozzarella Sticks: Sonic's Mozzarella Sticks
Bread: Little Ceasar's Crazy Bread
Pizza: Little Ceasars HOT and Ready

NOT too bad, I'm getting hungry already, but of course NOT eating fast food at all is healthiest.

Worst Places to Eat Overall:
Dairy Queen
Hardee's (WTF?)

YUCK.

When ever I have a craving I recite this mantra in my head:
"I KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE, I DON'T NEED TO EAT IT. I KNOW WHAT IT..."

And it works! Most of the time. I have to say it every time I pass Cinnabon at the Mall.

Seyron sent me this list of things that "Men should Eat Everyday." Interesting!
Please visit the website for the REASONS!

1. Five handfuls of fruits and vegetables a day
2. Fiber: artichokes, lima beans, soybeans, grapefruit, certain berries and whole grains
3. Folate: orange juice, spinach and other leafy green vegetables
4. Tomatoe Sauce
5. A Handful of Nuts: I like this one!
6. Baby Aspirin: I don't know about this one
7. Fish: tilapia, salmon, flounder, cod and mahi-mahi
8. Eight Glasses of Fluid
9. Red Wine
10. Coffee: WHAT!?! OKAY, Now I'm confused.
11. Milk or Vitamin D-Fortified Orange Juice: But then I'll fart all day... ORANGE JUICE!

General Updates

I've been asked, "hows life?" And I realize that it's almost the end of October and I have nothing interesting to say, but here are a couple of updates.

My skin is getting a little better, but it doesn't seem like it will be perfect by December; which was my goal. It doesn't heal at all and I can note every mark on my face from break outs dating back two years ago. I don't know why it's on my mind so much since my "personality shines above it." I don't know. I just get sad when I look in the mirror.

The VP of my company told me that in December, I will be helping with some accounts in Korea and Europe! Score! Maybe I'll stay here longer than I intend to, especially since it's easy and I get paid pretty well for the type of work that I do. I know I have potential to do better, but maybe I should focus on being the best at this small company first. Also, we are moving to an office that's closer to my house! No more phone conversations in traffic :(

This week, I've worked out everyday. I've even gone with my mom. I no longer need to show my id because the boys recognize me. *giggle* I love meeting up with Jane and talking about our lame ass lives. How she gets hit on and how I almost get hit on. How women can get anything and how gays are shady. Imagine two hens on the elliptical that won't stop squawking for thirty minutes. That's us. I felt sort of proud of my body, until someone said, "I can tell when you stood up [that you're not that fit to show off]." ... ironic.

My brother's been picking up the pace! He raised his grades and declared that he wants to go to college. I sat him down and said, "look, I think I've been putting too much pressure on you. People go to college at different times, and you need to be ready for it and want it for yourself. Not for me, or mom or dad. It's your choice." He responds that college is indeed something that he wants to do. Yesterday, he showed off the notes he took.

He comes to my room from time to time with nothing to say. He just visits me, asks me what I'm doing and leaves. "Oh reading blogs," I say. Of course, I was reading gay porn blogs, but he knocks so I can hide that. He's growing up a little more and that makes everyone happier. I also told him to be nicer to mom and dad. "Why do you have to make life so difficult? I don't want to come home to find everyone pissed at each other. I'd rather go back to work." He smiles. "You have to play the game, make the right decisions now and everyone will be happy. So take a chill pill dude. Stop being so rude." He acknowledges me. My parents are grateful. I tell them they're fools. Just kidding. But honestly, they don't know how to take control. When he's rude, you have to be playful, "oh hello McRude, are you hungry?" Just be light hearted, understand that he's rude and don't let it affect you. And don't be so dumb, "oh can I go on the Internet? I have math homework." Come on ppl.

Now for some cartoons:

More: http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/

Better Living

I've been reflecting on things I want to improve about myself. And I've been doing an okay job.
Here are couple of things that I want to correct:

1. Skin - working on that, but the goal is by December. Any product recommendation for scarring?

2. Posture - I went to the VSA DVD screening and after watching myself I noticed that I have HORRIBLE posture! It worked for my character, but it looked so awful. I seem to slump my shoulders. But I'm trying to fix that by slapping my face and telling people to remind me stand straight.

3. Water - I love soda, this is really hard. I'm trying to drink the recommended 8 cups, but geez, that's a lot of water.

4. Teeth - I bought ACT that supposedly rebuilds enamel and I've been trying to wear my retainer, but I think I need my retainer adjusted. Too bad I am responsible for my own insurance now. BAH.

5. Money - After talking to everyone, I've got my first credit cards to build my credit and opened a savings with decent APY. Now I need to work on my IRA.

6. Career - Now that I'm here, I realize that this isn't what I want to do, but I'm stuck here for a year to save money and build my resume. I guess that's fair. And I'm enjoying my new San Jose life. :D. But new chapters await me.

7. Outlet - I realize that I'm an okay actor, an okay singer, an okay dancer. What makes me strong is that I do it. I don't get discouraged when I'm not the best. Well, I do, but I don't quit. And right now I need some sort of creative outlets, but I don't know where or how. I'm working on it, but it's really difficult post graduating. Maybe something at a community college? Volunteering? I don't want to mentor or tutor, because I should focus on my brother.

8. Fitness - Jane is a great gym buddy. Lately, she's been calling me to work out with her and she pushes me. I usually do 20 min on the elliptical, she made me do 40. 25lb weights? She tells me I can do 30! And we jabber on about our days so working out isn't painful. I'm working on my abs, chest, shoulder, back, and biceps so that I can be shirtless in public.

9. Diet - My metabolism is fucked up. They called me the human garbage disposal because I would eat anything. I hate wasting food! But now, if I eat a chip I can see a triangle raise on my side. Yuck. But I found these tips:

Here are 11 tips to help you boost your metabolism:
1.Build lean body mass. As we age our bodies metabolism or ability to burn calories decreases. One way to offset this problem is by exercising. Lean muscle burns calories and the more you have the more calories you burn, even while resting. You can build muscle through resistance or weight training at least twice a week. You can also boost your metabolism by doing cardio exercises. You can choose to do this between or in conjunction with weight training. Simply going for a walk or using the stairs instead of the elevator are good ways to get in an aerobic workout.

2.Eat Breakfast. Many people ignore eating breakfast. What they don't realize is that it's the most important meal of the day. Breakfast gives your metabolism a boost and provides a consistent energy supply throughout the day. The majority of people who eat a healthy breakfast have fewer weight and health issues than those who don't.

3.Sugar is bad. Processed and refined sugar such as found in sweets and soft drinks overload the body with sugar causing many serious health issues including obesity and diabetes. Complex carbohydrates are a better energy source because they supply an even level of blood sugar. The human body just isn't built to deal with the large amounts of refined sugar most people include in their diet.

4.Spicy foods that make you sweat can help boost your metabolism.

5.Get a good night's sleep. There is research that shows that people who do not get sufficient sleep tend to gain weight. This may be because the body uses sleep to heal and regenerate itself, including its muscular system.

6.Drink more water. Water is the lubricant of the body. It also flushes toxins out of the body and keeps the kidneys operating at maximum efficiency. This allows the liver more time to do what it does best, metabolize fat stores.

7.Eat small meals. Eat 5 to 6 small meals per day spaced 20 to 3 hours apart. This gives the body a steady supply of energy and prevents binge eating.

8.Don't miss meals. Skipping meals in order to loose weight is counter productive because it actually slow metabolism and can lead to over eating.

9.Plan your meals. If you have a daily or weekly menu you are much more likely to stick to your plan.

10.Drink green tea. Green tea has been shown to boost metabolism and unlike coffee does not stress the body with caffeine.

11.Include more high energy foods in your diet including fruits, vegetables and whole grains. These provide a more balanced energy source and will not cause blood sugar spikes.Boosting your metabolism can be done if you are dedicated to doing it. This does not mean you need to stress over each little thing but if you eat right and exercise you should see a decrease in body fat and a much more energetic and happy you.

Gemini Traits
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive

Moany said I was the wittiest person he knows right now. Am I really? His defintion is being quick and to able to think on my feet. Nice. I think cunning wit is important. The ones I agree with are in green.

Hitting on Girls is Hard

I'm fat, I'm gross and I have a rotting gym membership. So instead of going to a romantic park with Mony and friends I went to 24 hour to work on my fitness. She's my witness.. WOoo HOO!

And there she was, Stephanie from elementary and high school. I didn't remember her being so skinny, but I remember getting a card from her. I think it was a Christmas card during senior year. I was taken back because I didn't think she thought enough about me to get me a card. I always thought she was pretty. I remember her friends in elementary school threw rocks at me. JK, there were three of them including her. Erica and Amanda. They were always on the top of the jungle gym as if they were Mean Girls searching for little nerds to tease. I remember Amanda saying, "let's see what a nerd can do for a project." I opened my shoe box and there was my bomb ass Magic School bus Diorama that took all night. It had planets, and stars made from various things around the house. The 3-d school bus was held up by a metal wire and looked like it was really floating in space. I looked at her box and there were magazine cut outs that probably took 10 minutes. I snickered. LAME! I wondered if my hex on her ever worked. That was at Allen before I transferred to Randol, you can look them up here. Stephanie is the cute girl; second row, third in line. Yes, I have good taste.

I have been thinking about her lately since I'm trying to get in touch with old friends through the facebook. And of course she didn't have an account. While riding my elliptical, I could not believe my eyes. There she was in red workout shorts. Was it really her? I stare intensely, yes! I must get her attention. I continue to stare through the mirror while she treadmills. I smile cheesy when I think she sees me, but she doesn't respond. I casually go to the water fountain and look her way. She's on her cell phone. I recognize her voice. I remember when she worked at Little Cesar's I asked her for a free soda and she smiled with her braces and said, "of course." I remember it exactly the way I think it happened. "Of course," the words rolled out of her mouth gently and sweet.

I feel like a straight guy at a San Jose night club, so I stop being creepy and try to approach her. Damn it, she has her mp3 player on. She's getting sweaty, I'm already sweaty, I don't think she wants to talk. Fine, whatever, I do sit ups. And work on my shoulders. Dips and curls. And I head to the StairMaster to work my ass because my mom says it's getting huge. She's still on the tread mill. Look over, please! She does, I wave like a mad man. She looks away like nothing happened. Maybe she forgot who I was, I feel rejected and out of breath. I go to the free weights, I pass her, one yard away from her machine, I don't look up, I pray she says something, I'm embarrassed. Whatever.

Almost 10pm, all done with my work out, wonder if she's... She's on the ab machine! I can talk to her there. I slickly sit on the machine next her. She's in her groove. I do more sit ups than I planned. And I thought about what I was going to say. "So are you here every Wednesday?" Stupid. "Hey, how are you!?" Lame. My imagination goes wild. What if her big burly boyfriend comes and threatens to kick my ass. "IM GAY IM GAY! She's an old friend! Don't hurt me!" I raise my arms like he's going to arrest me. "I hate Fags!" he responds. I'm amused at the sitcom playing in my mind. Fuck, she's leaving. I sit up and put my face in my hands pretending to recuperate from working out, but actually I was stressed because I don't have the balls to say hi to a girl that I already know; but she probably forgot me anyway, but how could she?! She got me a card and gave me a free soda! Damn it damn it. Ok, last chance. She's on other machine, okay, now or never. I wish I had a shot of vodka. I wish I was as confident without alcohol. Okay, I'm going for it... she's not even looking at me.. Fuck it. I run to the exit with my head down.

Fuck, I have no game.

Body Maintenance

24 Hour Fitness is a social hub! Not only are there hot guys walking around, but I've also run into a couple of people from high school.

Once I got out of the pool, I greeted my friend who "recognized the way I swim." I guess being on the swim team together allows such observations. I also ran into Smyr's dad and my friend's boss. This is my new Sproul!

Well, not everyone is hot of course. There was this fat guy in the steam room with a Taco Bell nalgene. I was thoroughly amused.

I've been inspired by http://www.iwantsixpackabs.com/. In only 16 weeks, this guy sculpted his body. Not saying that I want muscles all over; I just want to be confident when I take off my shirt.

I took off the picture because Tofu said it's something that I shouldn't be posting; I should wait for a "before and after" opportunity. Well, there you have it! You should read my blog quicker to see embarassing pictures of me.

Experiencing Growth

Today I walked the streets of Berkeley. I went to the new Walgreen's on Telegraph and then bought dollar noodles for brunch at the Asian Ghetto. Except, they were $1.50 now. And because of that reason, they weren't as good. So I boxed 3/4's of it back up and with no other destination other than ordering my transcript, my mind began to wander. I'm trying to figure out what's going on in my head. I wonder how many people I have disappointed in my life; how many expectations I failed to meet. How many friends I have "replaced" because they had served their purpose. But I won't focus on that because I'd be trying too hard to correct it. Tofu called me the other day from Japan, but only for a short while. So I ran to the 7-11 and bought a phone card to call him back.

It was nice; to be able to talk to him about what was going on and to share with him what I was feeling. And I feel like, that's one of the biggest losses I have experienced since his departure: his comfort and availability. I didn't realize how much I depended on him to listen to me and make feel better about petty things and life in general. And without that, I feel so closed off and sensitive; lonely and distant from everyone else. By not keeping myself busy, I am poorly adjusting. But I am making due and focusing on old San Jose friends, my health and my career. I am remembering how it's like to depend on myself and to experience life as an individual rather than a pair. This is probably the needed "growth" that I am experiencing.

Thursday was a good day. I worked out with Jane and caught up with her over Jamba Juice. I got a haircut and drove to n and k Tech and got a job offer that I will probably take. Then I drove to BevMo in Berkeley to buy drinks for people and though there was traffic, I was calm because I was talking to people about my job offer. I met up with Nick for Sushi and "the best Ice Cream in the world." He drove us to see Summer of Rice and I donated $2 for my entry. My friend from VSA asked me to donate for her and without hesitation, I put in an extra dollar in the box. She proceeded to walk in and I didn't hear a thank you. At that point, I realized I had been swindled by a hot girl. Even, I am a victim! But no matter, she was a good friend during the culture show, so it's no big deal. But I was amazed at my lack of hesitation. Oh boobs and the power they possess.

Theatre rice was pretty fun and it was great to see cool people in the crowd. I went to my first and last TR after party. According to Nick and Juan, it was surprisingly calm. I was just relaxing anyway. I crashed with John Viet and we talked about a couple of things. I feel old, outdated, and I that I don't belong anymore even though I just graduated. But that makes sense.

I'm debating whether or not I should stay here in Berkeley for another day. I feel like my reasons for staying are really shady. And I think I would be disappointed with myself if my intentions carry through about... but then again, it's all for fun and probably won't happen again. And if it doesn't happen, whatever. NSA.

Sorry for being vauge, but I'm sure you can figure out what I'm talking about.


Browsing downelink, I found motivation to work out everyday at 24 Hour Fitness:


The Goal has been set.
Tofu, you're going to get a pleasant surprise when you come back.

24 Hours of Control

Yesterday, I had a 711 hotdog smothered in nacho cheese for breakfast. Then boba and starbucks for lunch and then walked around in the mall.

Today, I bought membership at 24 Hour Fitness, then I swam for 30 minutes straight. I feel strong and in control. I must remind myself to keep in control of my body and mind.

Hairchive: The Too Long Swing Dance