Sunday, December 9, 2007

This is the Story of My Awkward Life.

This weekend... man. This weekend has been interesting.

Table of Contents
1. I Love Managing People
2. You Have to be 21 to Be in a Sexually BLUNT Environment
3. Controlling Emotions
4. Just Do It... respectfully.

Chapter 1. I love Managing People
On Friday, I was presented with a challenge with very particular conditions, but I was able to manage 8 different people in a jam packed weekend. I drove 300 miles without a break in the safest manner possible and I made decisions that I feel were well thought out. After many phone calls, 9 pages worth of; my plan for the weekend was as follows:

Home->Marriott->Mountain View -> Dragon in SF -> SF State -> (SLEEP) -> Denny's in Daly City -> Daly City BART -> Downtown San Jose -> Berkeley -> (Sleep) -> Church in San Jose.

I was organized, I was proud of my efficency. I wrote times per destination to ensure that I got to where I needed to be. But... of course, carrying it out was a different story.

Chapter 2.. You Have to be 21 to Be in a Sexually BLUNT Environment
I feel bad for always dissapointing Huan when it comes to VSA. I act so proud of the club and supportive, but when he needs me I don't always commit. Huan called me to go the Banquet and IMed me about it a lot. He really wanted me there, but I had already made plans to go to Dragon to celebrate a friend's 21st Birthday. But life told me that I made the wrong choice because I had a horrible time.

The minute I arrived, I noticed that there weren't that many cars. I called the group I was supposed to meet and they said they had a problem. They had expired IDs and the bouncer turned them away. I knew the other bouncer and tried to pull some strings. He was nice and tried to help me. He told me they got in trouble a couple of months back, I told him I didn't want to burden him. But he gave me a proposition. They wanted about 40 bucks to sneak the kids in the back. But by the time I found a resolution, the kids were done and left for Berkeley. I felt like I failed. I was the wrong person to ask because I've never done that before. We're Berkeley people, this is NOT a challenge that should be able to whip us. The rest of the night, I was disappointed.

The music was bad and my friends got really wasted. Behavior that people expect from gays who go to Dragon, the GAY Asian Paradise South of Market, emerged. "I'd Fuck Him," "I Just Made Out for Four Guys," "See that Guy Over There? He's So Hot and a Good Fuck Too." And honestly, I was a bit disgusted. Am I like this when I'm drunk? Do I say these things? I'm probably worse. I danced with someone... more like he pushed me against the wall and bit my penis, I pushed him away and found myself looking at the clock. Why is Sex so easy, so blunt in the gay community... and why did I want NONE of it? I tried to dance, I tried to be fliratous, but I just did feel it. When we left and drove toward SF State to crash I decided that it wasn't worth it. I decided to just go home and I intentially slept alone.

Marriott-> Mountain View -> Dragon-> San Jose

Chatper 3: Controlling Emotions
When I woke up, my mood didn't shift. I was supposed to pickup Sally, Seyron, Lyell from Daly City BART, but obviously plans changed. But I didn't want to flake because I had already flaked on having Brunch at Denny's. Yes, Janelle who lives in SF wanted to have Brunch at Denny's. She assured me that it was THE BEST. But I've already been there a couple of weeks back after another Dragon night.

I decided to pick Seyron, Sally, Lyell up from the FREMONT BART, but I still had to arrange Saturday night. I considered why I was going to a collage afterparty...but now I was presented with an factor that made driving home a better choice.

My Brother's winter ball was that night and my mom had to pick him up at 11pm, but she'd be coming from the Evergreen Mountains on windy dark roads. My dad said nothing to prevent her from driving because he didn't want to leave the party in the Mountains. My dad was selfish and he did a good job at passing that character down to me. I made a decision. I will drive my friends back to berkeley, stay for the potluck and leave before the afterparty to help my mom. I would forever regret the day I passed an opportunity to prevent my mom from dying in a car accident.

While arranging things I discovered that my Brother needed a corsage. It was expensive and I told my mom that it's his fault for being so last minute. My mom said, not it's her's and I go.. hah, no. My brother mumbled from the halls, "so it's MY fault?!" I explode.

"Don't you DARE be RUDE TO MOM WHEN SHE IS BUYING YOU A CORSAGES AND BOUTONNIERE FOR 30 DOLLARS!! DON'T BE RUDE TO MOM! GOT IT?!" My brother was shocked, "GOT IT?!" He nodded. I was so pissed. ...................... then I felt bad.

I went upstairs to talk to him and he was crying over the sink.
"Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you. I just hate it when you're rude to Mom. There's a lot of pressure, but I still shouldn't have been so mean. I'm sorry." My Brother's birthday is on the 10th. He's friends weren't committing... and his plans were falling a part.

"Christopher! Package for you!" I bought my brother the Avatar Series for his birthday off Amazon and it just arrived. I grabbed a gift bag... the closest gift bag I could find and put the DVD set in. I handed my brother the Easter Gift Bag. "Look, I'm sorry, please don't let this ruin your Winter Ball... here, an early Birthday present." My brother sat on his bed with his face in his pillow...discouraged, hurt, damaged. I put the gift next to him and sat at the kitchen table.

I slouched over and breathed heavily. I started to cry a little bit. Like how I failed to get my friends into Dragon, I failed at controlling my anger. Yelling at my brother for no reason... getting off at having the power to assert aggression... ruining his Winter Ball.. his Birthday. Making him feel like shit. Throwing away his birthday present because I needed to make amends. I needed to compensate for my failure. I sat there for 5 minutes, saying nothing... feeling everything.

My friends arrived at the BART station and the day went on. La Vics, Ice Skating, Christmas in the Park, Santana Row, McCarthy Ranch... I got lost a couple of times dispite the fact that I lived here. I held back my stress. I drove straight to Berkeley without going home and prayed that my Brother could put aside my shittiness.

San Jose -> Fremont BART -> Downtown -> Berkeley

Chapter 4: Just Do It... Respectfully
I called my mom. "Do you still need me at 11?"
"No, someone else will pick him up."
"Great! Then.. I might stay over in Berkeley."

Maybe I was being rewarded, but did I still want to stay? I graduated. Why am I going to an after party? I should just go home after dropping everyone off. Okay, if I'm welcomed, I'll stay. But if I can, I will drive home, to be home.

At the potluck people asked me how I was. I had nothing really interesting to say. I felt disconnected. I took pictures. I talked to people that I have little history with. The most meaningful conversation I had was with Azu, because she's an OG like me. She means something a little more to me because we had more history. I missed everyone who wasn't there that much more. I missed being the young one that everyone took care of. I miss blaming my mistakes on being naive. But I'm no longer naive... I'm an OG... I take care of people even though I'm bad at it.

I took a walk with a friend and he asked me to be honest. I was surprised because he put things into perspective. I played with his mind during our conversation, but decided to be honest and called him later. Let's not Fuck with people's minds tonight. He appreciated it.

I got comfortable. People started to drink heavily. I was impressed that there was no peer pressure. People took shots of water to be included. They danced if they wanted to, they sat if they didn't, but they loved being together. I drank more than I planned, but I tried to control myself. I avoided being obnoxious because of what I witnessed the night before. I am not a kid, there is no one to watch out for me and to prevent me from making mistakes. And then he walked in...

I have boy crush on this guy who has a girlfriend. I talked to him a couple of times and took a shot with him. He was friendly and touchy as if he were testing me, tempting me... sick bastard. He got really drunk and I walked him down stairs. I thought about him all day. And to be honest with you, he was one of the reasons I considered not going to after party. I was afraid that I would make mistakes... be too tempted. I was thankful that I was presented with a choice that would have benefited my mom. But with that out the door, I decided just to be careful and stay in Berkeley. I realized that I needed to behave responsibly.... but behaving responsibly doesn't mean doing nothing... at least that's what the alcohol told me.

He was about to leave. He was done. He drank a lot and was ready to go to bed. It was cold, but we were both warm because we were drunk. We were not inhibited thanks the social lubricant we had consumed.

As he walked away from me, I spoke up.
"Can I ask you a question?" I stuttered, but did not hesitate.
"Can I get a kiss?"

He walked up to me to kiss me on the cheek I turned my head and caught half my lips... and he stepped back.

"Wait... um.. can I have another?" I was polite.

This time he came up to me and gave me a quick peck on the lips and walked away.

I was tripping out.
"Walk home safe! Call me if you need anything! You have my number!" I was a bumbling fool.

I walked upstairs and called him but he didn't pick up. I sat on the bench outside astounded by what I just did. I walked back to the party with a big grin on my face and no one noticed. What I do doesn't really matter anymore. I'm old news.

I crashed on the futon. I intentionally slept alone until JV stumbled next to me in the morning. I told him what happened; his responses were short because he didn't even remember what he did the night before... but he had someone to take care of him.

I drove home in time to shower and go to Church to celebrate my parents' anniversary. I spent the rest of the day with family. I laughed with my mom and dad and I hugged them more than usual. I told my mom she was beautiful and I kissed her on her cheek. I suggested lunch and I waited patiently while they ran errands. My brother hugged me for the DVD set and sent me funny text messages. He told me they did Soulja Boy at his Winter Ball and that pictures were expensive.

And I started to blog... and realized that in life we make decisions everyday... and we are the only ones that have the power to evaluate our choices based on what's important to us... and make choices that reflect the type of person that we want to be....

Berkeley -> HOME

I am mature. I am respectful. I am fun. I take care of myself.
And that was my thought process.
The End.


dannie said...

that is a shitload of driving dude!

Tofu said...

i enjoy reading your blog

Jessica said...

you are my Carrie from sex and the city.

your blog seeds ideas in my mind of doing a spin off of sex and the city based around a group of 4 gay friends living in NY. you, being the lead of course.

i love you, cousin!

sandy said...


mich said...

you're the best, chris.