Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Gay Insight from a Straighty

Cousin: not 10% gay, 5%, despite the often quoted claim
Me: oh no.. it's 10
Cousin: no it's not, no one believes that except gays
me: why are u so confident
Cousin: a 1960s study by kinsey
me: everyone believes, especially 10% of the population
Cousin: but most tend toward less than 5% besides personal experience certainly doesn't show me 1/10 i know that doesn't count for much
Me: it makes us gays feel like we're not alone
Cousin: yeah that's why it's repeated often. it's done for political reasons so that gay rights cannot be ignored which is fine but i'm a realist so i dont' believe the hype
me: interesting take from a homophobe
Cousin: Some studies have disputed Kinsey's methodology and have suggested that these reports overstated the occurrence of bisexuality and homosexuality in human populations. "His figures were undermined when it was revealed that he had disproportionately interviewed homosexuals and prisoners (many sex offenders)."

Cousin: yeah not a pleasant quote Most of these statistical findings are in the range of 2.8 to 9% of males, and 1 to 5% of females for the United States[16] ? this figure can be as high as 12% for some large cities and as low as 1% percent for rural areas). In gay villages such as The Castro in San Francisco, California, the concentration of self-identified homosexual people can exceed 40%

me: 40%!!! wow! no wonder i feel surrounded
Cousin: anyway it's a bullshit stat, just ilke many bullshit stats we people throw around
me: i have 50 gay contacts in my cell phone. If only there was a way to register all the gays like,.. stamp them with some sort of symbol. ..a Red Octogon
Cousin: gay rights are interesting in Vietnam. straight people fear gays not the other way around, like of violence. straight guys are afraid of being killed by gay guy. Whereas in most of the US, gays often have to hide coz they might get killed. In VN, there's no problem with ladyboys everywhere, like in thailand, hit on a straight guy, no problem you won't get beat up. In thh US, you better think twice. i met a lot of gay guys here
me: really? i hit on straight guys all the time well.. usually they're asian so.. hahah...
Cousin: prob less dangerous with asians. try that in texas though; with white guys
me: omg ...and if being gay is genetic.. i think it carried through my mom's genes
Cousin: hahaha i read a study that shows it runs in all our gene and statistically there are gays everywhere
me: what triggers it then
Cousin: in the entire human genetic tree the proper mix of genes?
me: or is it 95% of the time, the gene is dormant
Cousin: but the point is it can't evolve out; it's part of everyone's genes and with the right mix, you get gay
Cousin: Such genes could be retained if gay men were unusually effective protectors of their nephews and nieces, helping genes just like theirs get into future generations. But gay men make no better uncles than straight men, according to a study by Dr. Bailey. So that leaves the possibility that being gay is a byproduct of a gene that persists because it enhances fertility in other family members. Some studies have found that gay men have more relatives than straight men, particularly on their mother's side.

January Recap

January was an interesting month. I saw a good number of movies and ate out at bad restaurants. I got a raise, my company moved 5 minutes from my house... and I have a boyfriend. Not. According to Mony, the ideal boyfriend would either have to be very patient or have a similar overbearing personality like mine. Interesting.

Here's a recap:

Jan 1: Ikea.
Mony bought us some gift cards from IKEA so we spent the new year shopping for home decor.
I have yet to hang the frames and nail in the shelves. More pictures.

Jan4: Happy Birthday Joe
Joe ran into his straight friends at the bowling alley. I proceeded to out him by caressing his chest. He ran away in horror. Happy Birthday JOE!!

January 10: My Aunt's Funeral
The death of my aunt affected my family substantially. To me personally, I was able to get closer to my cousins. And by spending time with them, I felt like I really got to know them... and know myself. For once I felt like I was letting my cousins know me. I also began to appreciate a little more the people in my life (apparently.)

January 12: Snow Trip!
YUM! Funyuns and Hot Cheetos! It tasted EXACTLY how you'd expect it! More Here!
Video of me "snowboarding."

January 13: Hot Pot City
I had Chinese hot pot for the first time. And my clothes reaked! It was awesome and I needed so much fiber the next day. Mony helped out by putting veggies in my bowl. Szeto got my this awesome Alien-like tripod for my camera because I keep doing balancing tricks with it. Hehe. But NOW I can do MORE balancing tricks! Maybe it wasn't such a great idea. hehe, I love it anyway!

January 18: I went to Dragon
But decided that pictures were unnessessary. LoL. Yes

January 19: Coma
Before watching Cloverfield, I asked Mony to get me what seemed to be a Strawberry smoothie. I asked Mony to ask for a sample and he goes, "it's frozen lemonde." But there are strawberries on the machine. I looked at the girl working at Hot Dog on a Stick. "There are strawberries!!!... it's lemonade? I can't believe it!" I threw a fit. FALSE ADVERTISING! The worker in the funny hat smiled at my tantrum. I can't believe these people!

Instead of going out, my boys and I had a friend chicken feast that night. Good lord.

January 24: Dave and Busters Woot!

January 26: Project Family
With my Aunt's death, my cousin was left with a mountain of responsibilities. I helped out by transporting her mom's things to her tiny condo. Sigh. We celebrated efficiency by having wholesome Asian fun. YUM! And the Karaoke place finally recorded our voice! WOOT!

Sunday, January 27, 2008


I haven't been writing because for some reason I feel uninspired. I think I need some variety in my life because things are getting a bit routine for me.

Work, watch some gay tv, sleep.

But there is just so much Project Runway you can take. Speaking of Gay, I was watching "Make me a Supermodel" and these straight models had to pose gay for the challenge. Nice. Check out Bravotv for the video clip. Not work safe pictures here and here.

Heh. It seems like gay is everywhere now and it is no longer special....or rebellious. Being gay used to be cool because it was different and secretive. But now with an established community and "culture." (Enough that Berkeley kids are working on having a Queer Culture Show Mtg: this Saturday 12-2 in 56 Barrows, be there)... Gay... is no surprise and welcomed with open arms.... and quite frankly, I'm getting bored of it. Maybe I should try something different. *gasp* Maybe I should try making some straight friends!

LOL. But that may be harder than it seems because I have become quite fluent in Queer.

I think I'm forgetting how to interact with 90% of the population. What do straight guys talk about again? Sports and girls? Great. Do straight guys want to hear about my gay issues...... besides Smyr? And he's okay with it because he throws in the word boobies in our conversation to keep himself interested.

I also wonder if "Gay behavior" is learned.
Bare with me.

I was on the phone with a black person (not African American.... because White people aren't European American, they are WHITE) trying to sell some stuff off craigslists, and good lord, I was hit with some lightning speed Ebonics. And I wondered, can we compare gay speech to Ebonics? Is the style of speaking/behaving learned through the community we identify with? Hmm... HHMMMMM!!!!! So, do I behave more "queer" when I'm with my gay friends? And conversely, would I behave more "straight" while trying to better interact with straight people? (Maybe not because I would have to suppress a lot of my "adapted" behavior...) a better question: Do I really want to?

Some food for thought.

About what I was saying earlier, I am worried that I am getting a little too comfortable in my gay world that I'm ignoring the reality outside of it. That... even though it's all fun and fabulous... there are other things to life that I am absolutely dismissing. I love my gays... but lets do something hetero for a change....and I'll try my best not to turn it gay.

Like Hip hop classes!!... wait... that's kinda straight right?
And not Hooters, that place scares me...

Manual Labor
This passed week I've done a lot of lifting and working out in general.
I have decided that I enjoy doing situps to that Apple Bottom Jeans song.

Friday, January 25, 2008

People Who Always Think About You

I went to the gym yesterday and oh man, my tummy is getting all sorts of trim!

I have to thank Jane for motivating me to go. We seriously talked like two hens on the eliptical at the 24 Hour Fitness down on Santa Teresa. I bet we have a lot of enemies who can't stand our squabble. And GOSH, what's up with those bikes? It hurts my knees and ass. BLAH! I'd rather glide on air!

This Saturday at 11am, I'm going to attend a free dance workshop at Ariel Dance Productions. Anyone want to join me? Yeah!

Anyhow. When I left the gym, I got a phone call from Huan. He invited me to Dave & Busters and I drove to Mony's to get ready and drag him along. There, I was greeted by some familiar faces; mostly from the dancing scene at Berkeley. They were all friendly. The birthday girl gave me a hug. It's funny cuz our parents always kick it like some middle aged Vietnamese clique. WEIRD.

AND I ran into my Cousin! HOLLA! Looking all cute with her new bangs. I imagined her at the salon: "yes, I would like something HIGH FASHION... Something SHEER GENIUS! Something.. that works. Fierce baby fierce!" And the hairdresser going, "OH honey, I know exactly what to do!" CHOP! Walah! Bangs that would make the Olsen Twins green with envy. My cousin is never restricted! Love it!

(Yes, I have been watching Project Runway. And yes, I am GLAD they got rid of that Asian Girl Victoria, because she has no personality. Or rather a personality of a log... not a log on fire because that would be more interesting.)

Huan offered me a drink despite the fact that I owe him dinner for writing me a letter of Rec. despite the fact that I haven't visited him, despite the fact that I was the one with a job...

ThatHuan man, always thinking about me.

And I realized yesterday that he really is a good friend. I mean, I rarely hang out with him, but when I do, it's as if we are best friends. If he's ever in the area, he never hesitates me to invite me out. When there's something poppin' he always lets me know. Huan has invited me to a bunch of things. Ski trip, banquets, parties, eatings .... and even though I usually tell him I'm busy, he continues to think of me. He also told me about that Funkanometry class when I was dying to dance. WOW.... but it's not just inviting me to things. He's there to give advice and look out for my well being every time he pops back into my life. Sort of like.. a brother.

And it's important to keep people like that in your lives. Seriously.

After college, your friendship number drops substantially and you can judge who is really your friend by looking through your phone book. There are only a few people that I would call randomly while driving in traffic. And those people know, that they are the ones that I want to keep in my life... or at least try to.

But with me and Huan, it may be a little different because we go way back. No.. I mean WAY BACK. In Elementary school we did The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe together. In middle school, he invited me to his birthday in his tiny little house.... and in college he would greet me with RAWRS and persuaded me to do something for the Berkeley Vietnamese Community.

And when you have people like that... when you are surrounded by good friends who always welcome you... you just feel lucky. Even though it's raining and there are potholes... and hot gay cowboys are dying. You feel... privileged to be in the presence of people who care about you and think about you.

And it's all amazing. There's me and Huan. I was Father Christmas.. he was... Peter? Haha. Yes, he stole the show. But.. that's just Huan.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Why I Don't Like Breasts

On Saturday, instead of going to a Gay Birthday Bash followed by Hunter's in San Jose, my bois and I indulged in some KFC!! Oh it was good. Oh I was full and we had left overs. And we all just passed out in my family room watching project runway until 11pm because our bodies needed to prepare to break down all that oil. Damn it.

On Sunday, I helped my cousin move stuff. She asked me what I wanted to eat. I said, "something healthy.. and cheap!"
She responded, "Togos?... There's a Togos."
"Eh, no.. not Togos."
"OHHH Popeyes!"
My eyes lit up, "YES!"

My stomach is now also lined with New Orleans style oil.

Back to work.. what to have for lunch? Left over KFC of course.
I had a breast for Monday, half of another breast on Tuesday and now I just finished my left overs for my 8:45am breakfast... and I noticed something. Like Fritos from a variety chip bag, the breast of the chicken is always left over. Why?

I came up with some reasons.
Unlike the drum stick or wing, you don't really know when you've consumed all the meat because there are hidden nooks and crannies. AND sometimes, there are non-meat surprises that you accidentally eat. YUCK. There is nothing really to grab and while picking at it you feel very savage. So much work, so much mess... and not that much satisfaction because the skin to meat ratio is off.

Gosh, I hate breasts.

And I've been drinking hot tea so that I don't die. . and a banana too.

Yesterday, at a meeting, the big boss said, "Ok, we have three issues to deal with." And he held up four fingers. I smiled and looked around. Once again, I was the ONLY ONE!!! No one seemed to register this situational humor!! What's wrong with these engineers?!?!?!? OMG!!! Get me out of this industry!!

In other news, I have a fan.
He messaged me randomly.. and told me he was a Sophomore in high school. Good lord. I've become a predator that the news refers to when they have specials on "controlling you child on myspace.." GREAT! I reminded him that I'm just a virtual friend... and um... yeah.

I told him to play it cool cuz he's still coming terms with his sexuality. I explained that you really don't find yourself until college, usually and that you should focus on getting into college.

He emphasized that with Myspace and text messaging, the whole school would find out about him in two seconds if he told anyone. How scary. It's like that AntiDrug commercial. "OMG, I was SO high..." and a picture of this girl smoking was sent around through people's phones. These kids have so much to deal with!!! What a wack generation. Soulja Boy, I tell yah.

He drew me a picture: Aww how nice.

Monday, January 21, 2008

No..., but I was Watching Videos...

I enter the kitchen. My coworker's washing his hands. I try to be friendly.

"hey! what's up?"
"Did you watch the game yesterday?"
"Oh... No... heh"
"You don't watch football...??"

He scratches his head, looks down at the newspaper...looks around...
walks out the door.... without saying anything else.

Damn it!


You know what's awkward? Going number 2 at work.
You know what's really awkward? Running into your boss in the bathroom.

20 Weird English Words

1. Erinaceous - Like a hedgehog
2. Lamprophony - Loudness and clarity of voice
3. Depone - To testify under oath
4. Finnimbrun - A trinket or knick-knack
5. Floccinaucinihilipilification - Estimation that something is valueless.
6. Inaniloquent - Pertaining to idle talk
7. Limerance - An attempt at a scientific study into the nature of romantic love.
8. Mesonoxian - Pertaining to midnight
9. Mungo - A dumpster diver - one who extracts valuable things from trash
10. Nihilarian - A person who deals with things lacking importance (pronounce the ‘h’ like a ‘k’)
11. Nudiustertian - The day before yesterday
12. Phenakism - Deception or trickery
13. Pronk - A weak or foolish person
14. Pulveratricious - Covered with dust
15. Rastaquouere - A social climber
16. Scopperloit - Rude or rough play
17. Selcouth - Unfamiliar, rare, strange, marvelous, wonderful. For example: The List Universe is such a selcouth website!
18. Tyrotoxism - To be poisoned by cheese (OMG!!! NO!!)
19. Widdiful - Someone who deserves to be hanged
20. Zabernism - The abuse of military power or authority (hello, George W. Bush)

I used this word in high school to describe what I want to do to some classmates:
Defenestrate - To throw out a window.

Videos to make you feel Uncomfortable



Videos that Make you want to Sing and Dance!


Videos that Make you Wonder

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Dragon: Because that's What We Do

It was one of those things where I said.. Dragon? Okay, I have nothing else better to do and I haven't gone in January and I had to met my once a month quota. Max? Min? Who knows.

I called my cousin to see if she wanted to go cuz I know she'd have a good time. But she wanted to stay in. And I tried to get some Berk peeps to go, but I got a "next time" response. Shrugs

We got there at 11:30 and I started to release my confidence on the dance floor. HAHA.
As I walked the same street, passed the same alley that Mony, Szeto and Tofu had thrown up in, I saw the same bouncer that everyone tries to be buddy-buddy with, I saw the same Bartender that my friend's friend hit on. I saw the same faces. The same jaded (but not that jaded) faces. But as I was talking to people, I realized that we were all there for the same reason: because it was a part of our identity.

Dragon is what we do. We're gay, we're Asian, we live in the Bay, we go to Dragon and see each other, dance, buy drinks make small talk and drive home. People from all points, Davis, San Jose, Oakland. Where ever. This is what we do and we all manage to squeeze out a good time... with some drama on the side... and everyone was a registered queer on downelink.

2 Shots of Gin and AMF and a Blue Hawaiian.

I had good conversations and intruded on other people's cliques.

I hug Aditya and danced with him. I saw Rapheal and their little SF clique... he was the first guy that I didn't come with that offered me a drink. I saw Richie and their underage Berkeley posse and danced with them. I saw JimE who messaged me randomly on Downelink a month ago and danced with him a little. Emerson of Funkanometry gave me a sweet hug as if we were best friends. I guess going to Denny's that one random night constitutes a better gay friendship. Teach me to dance!

But I had the best time talking to Earl and his group.

Keith who I called Kyle... or Ken? Peter's roommate saw me pull out a receipt from my pocket.
"Get a Phone Number?"
"Hahaha, own!!"
"Oh.. haha.. me too!"

It was good flirtatious banter. Though I don't go to dragon to give/get numbers.

"Do you know Richard?!"
"Of course! I helped clean his apartment at Devon's birthday years ago."
"Yeah, we go WAAAY BACK"
"Yeah, for real! Do you still live there?"
That was the only connection I had to Richard and we both held on tight to that; milked it for what it was worth. In 2020, we'll see each other at Dragon and say the SAME thing.

"Earl! I love seeing you. You make me smile!"
"Aww... You make me smile toooo!!!"
I gave him a hug... and we talked for a while. He went to Berkeley with me, we had substantial history. It was good.

Back to the dance floor.

There was Wally and Vincent, Larry and Jeremy. ThE, his boyfriend. Peruvian Joe, Neil's roommate Joe who went to the funks class with me that night. Andru who was one of Tofu's first gay friends...others

I was up against the wall.

There were these hot girls that I wanted to dance with.

I approached them to say, "you look bored, let's dance" and then proceed to dance in between them in a hot Asian American Sandwich; straight guy fantasy. But instead I said, "you look bored" and walked away. Damn it, drunk enough to approach people, but not drunk enough to follow through.

The crowd started to thin out, we got a hotdog and I drunk dialed people on the drive home. I insisted on going to Denny's off Blossom to find our waitress Rebecca, but she wasn't working. And then I crashed.

I had a good time even though I wasn't anticipating great excitment. Dragon is 50 minutes away... and I always get home around 4am. There are gay clubs in San Jose. There are good movies to watch. Why go to Dragon?

Because... That's what we do. We're gay, we're Asian... we know each other... it's a community... it belongs to us. We can be "ourselves" or as much of "ourselves" that we like in our little exclusive club.

It's an escape from our family; from society. It's an escape from a world that we have to deal with; that we want to run away from because often we feel like we have to hide. Hide from others.. hide from ourselves. Because not only are we Asian, but we are ALSO gay. And we have a lot of shit to deal with.

At Dragon we are no longer alienated. Everyone are friends because we are automatically connected to each other.. or "linked." And people can complain about the music, the venue, the drinks all they want, but they will always go back's still fun... and it belongs to us. And we can just dance with each other with out judgement into the morning until we forget about how much life stresses us out...

Chris Makes a Fool of Himself

Since September I've been dying for a hip hop class.
I searched colleges in the South Bay and even considered posing as a San Jose State Undergrad so that I can be a part of their culture show and do hip hop for them!

Recently Huan sent me an email about FunkanometrySF's Company class in Mountain View. HOLLA! Sign me up!

I knew Funk's Company Classes were a bit adavanced so I emailed the BIBI, the Choreographer. "HI, I'm a Beginner. Is tonight's class going to be hard?" I felt foolish, intruding in on a dancer's world. I got an immediate response from her Blackberry. "Nope, it should be simple tonight!" Okay. I can do this and I really wanted to go.

I tried to gather people to go with me... but to no avail.
What to... do? .. GO BY MYSELF! Yeah, I can do this! If I want to do something I can't wait for others!!!

It was perfect, I would go home after work, wash up and then drive up 85N for a century. But when I got home I got intimidated watching Company Class Videos thought by the Choreographer Bibi Khalili.

Shit... then I watched a piece by Emerson

OMG... I'm going to be that guy in the Red!!!! My confidence deterioated and I started to freak out. I decided that I should refrain from any embarassament in front of strangers and stay home and I started to whine to my parents.

After seeing the Videos my dad said, "Christopher.. seriously, you can do this.. it's easy GO." Fuck.. well if my DAD thinks it's easy then I HAVE to go.

Problem, WHAT do I wear? I had a pair of new sweats someone left at my apartment in Berkeley and I put it on... Yeah, I looked like a serious dancer from the videos... I immediately took them off because I felt I was trying too hard. Just be yourself. Ok, I put on cargos and a hoodie and bounced.

I was lost, but arrived just in time anyway and saw Joe Vu. Sweet, a familiar face! Fuck. Everyone was wearing sweats, fuck me fuck me!

We did stretches and I was seriously getting nervous. Bibi introduced the song: Freaky Gurl by Gucci Mane and everyone in the room responded ghetto, "heey?!!" Haha. Great. She started to talk, "If you guys don't know me, I'm more about feeling the groove than getting the exact movement." Hmm, too bad I have neither.

Okay. Let's do it. And.. I did!
It was brilliant, it was fun, it was simple like she said and I was able to pick up most of it! When they post the video, you'll see me running away at the end because I forgot the rest.

Hehe. Yes! More dancing to come... Join me or not, I'm still gettin' low. Or trying to.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Thank You for Wasting Our Company Resources

Dear Chris,
I am pleased to inform you that effective January 1, 2008, your salary will increase.

This year will be an exciting and challenging one. It is my belief and expectation that, with dedication and hard work, we can make this year even better than 2007.

Big Boss

Hmm. He called me into his office and asked me what I thought of the pay increase and if it met my expectations. I responded, "actually, I wasn't expecting anything. thank you!" And backed out of his office with my head down because I am not worthy.


I am now obligated to work harder... great.

...But not before I do a personality test that I stole from Smyr!

Apparently, I am overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity. I get a C in organziation and stability!
trait snapshot:
expressive, open, self revealing, loves large parties, loud, social, outgoing, does not like social isolation, assertive, social chameleon, positive, always busy, likes to fit in, likes to stand out, enjoys leadership, brutally honest, trusting, optimistic, desires attention, dominant, aggressive, attachment prone, wants to be understood

Monday, January 14, 2008

Love the Skin You're In

But what if your skin looks like shit?


Well, I have this picture labeled: WOW and I like to look at it because it makes me feel better about myself now. It was taken on June 2007 and I wish I could rip it up and do some sort of ad campaign for some miracle cream, but I can't.

It's been over six months and there hasn't been much improvement, even with "professional treatment"... well, the texture is better... but it's still red.. and scarred. (That's my skin update if you were curious. LOL). For now, I'm going to keep a log to understand what works. I've been upgraded to Minocycline and Tazarac (which are stronger forms of Doxycycline and Differin). And continue Proactiv... Woot.

I'm impressed that I haven't talked about my skin in a while. I guess I finally asked myself, how can someone be so vein as to care about what they look like so much? There's so much more to life and other things to be concerned with!!!!

Well, I guess that's easy to say when your face isn't bleeding every morning...

I showed my dad this picture.. and he responded... "that's you? ... christopher... I'm sorry." Like it's his fault... well.. it is genetic.

:p It's okay, it's just a flaw..... and flaws are just a part of life... Someone once told me that my acne was endearing. Heh. YAY.

Super Snow Bunnies and Friends

I've never had a good time snowboarding.

The first time I went, I took lessons and did the bunny slope by myself because my family was too scared to join me.

When I went with NSU, I was left behind because I sucked.

But with Szeto planning everything down to the wire and getting us group discounts, I couldn't really refuse.

Mony and I got some gear and I remembered that I liked snowboarding because I like wearing head bands and doing my hair in chunky spikes. I always feel like a pro, like I belonged there.. until I got off the lift that is! LOL!

We slept over at ThE's in Davis and I was impressed by their selection of body wash and shampoo..... ohh gays.

Surprisingly, I didn't suck too much. But while sitting on the mountain resting, this asshole broke in front of me causing 50 pounds of snow to explode into my poor amateur face. Bastard. I tried to cast a hex, but I forgot I was only mortal. And he snowboarded away probably laughing at me. What a bastard.

Aww.. I had a really good time with this couple. They were so cute, I wanted to beat them with a stick. They waited for me at the bottom of the mountain and I managed to get some speed.

I had such a great time with the fellas!

I can't wait for the next trip: Yosemite? The gays go camping!!!

Hairchive: The Snow Bunny

2005, 2006, 2008!

Death is a part of Life

My aunt's funeral was on Friday and it took a toll on my family. Thursday was the viewing and Friday was the church and cremation.

Though, I was quite impressed with how everything was carried out, the whole experience was still uneasy.

My dad gave me the address to the viewing and I was confused. I turned into the pitch black cemetery and my imagination ran wild. I turned on my high beams and drove through the poorly paved road...the sprinklers were on and I drove passed graves in mist; doors locked and my knee shaking nervously. I finally found the exit and discovered that the viewing was across the street! I fixed my stare on the road and managed to get out of there.

There were candles passed around at the viewing with my Aunt's name and on the bottom was a quote, "life is too short, buy cute shoes." Live life to the fullest seemed to be the theme and as people made eulogies, I realized that we were celebrating her life rather than just mourning her death. And really, that's what it should be about. Her daughter told a story about her mom and her lip did not quiver for one second, nor did a tear fall from her eyes. She was there to remember how wonderful her mom was not to cry for her loss. Her smile was strong and her speech was simple.

As people gathered to take one last picture with my Aunt, I noticed that it took a tragedy to get all the 8 siblings together. It's difficult with a large family. I took a picture of all the aunts and uncles and was startled when I noticed a white circle around the oldest sibling:

Could it mean something? I was reminded of my grandma's funeral last year when a light shined on her picture. Could it be that spirits reside in light? Possibly. But my camera was dirty that day.

Afterward the cousins went to Santana Row and the next day was the mass.
I did a reading and carried the coffin by my uncles in and out of the church. My other Aunt did a reading and her nerves caused to her mispronounced words, "and let God protect the hoes... whose..." her daughter snickered.

At the cemetery, I did not know what to expect...
In the cemetery was a cottage-like building that reminds me of a fairytale, but in the back was something else. I wondered what that loud buzzing noise was and discovered that it was the incinerator.

The prayers were made over the loud buzzing, but barely anyone could hear. My aunt's coffin was wheeled to the back of the "cottage" where the walls were made of steal. Her close family lined up into the cold room and held each other tightly. I was confused to why were following her coffin. My cousin in tears shouted, "DONT LET GRANDMA SEE!! BLOCK HER!!!" They turned her around to face the clouds and I got nervous... I could not believe my eyes... why am I here?! The metal door open like a garage. The worker pushed the coffin forcefully and her coffin slid swiftly into the incinerator until it hit the back with a thud. My mom let out an ear piercing shriek and I held my stomach because I felt like throwing up. I could not believe I just witnessed that. Like dropping a coffin into the grave, I felt like my aunt's body was just thrown away.

As people cried profusely, the worker pressed green and red buttons and stated, "it should take a couple of hours." I held no one, I rushed outside for air and was jealous of the people who stayed behind. My cousin from SF felt the same way, "there was something seriously wrong about that... I didn't know what I was signing up for." He was asked to be one of the pole bearers (?) casket carriers last minute.

Cremation no longer seemed appealing.

I was worried about my brother and my younger cousin, but my older cousin said to me, "I think it's good for them... to experience this. It will ground him." I thought I was traumatized for a life time, but the reception made me forget. My aunts and uncles and older cousins performed songs dedicated to my late aunt. My uncle accompanied them with a piano that was missing keys found in the shadows of the venue. "This is for you!" My dad exclaimed as he sang a French song to my Aunt's picture.... "I love you..." my dad was done crying for his sister.

Earlier in the day Michelle offered me her soda. "Don't worry, I don't have any germs... just leukemia." She chuckled at her comment and I gave her a half smile. She reminded me that life is too unpredictable to be so serious... and we need to appreciate what we have and be optimistic and positive. At the end of the reception, my cousins gathered around for a picture. We have each other, we were celebrating life and experiencing death as just another element...

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I Found My Inspiration: Brian Tong

I was scoping out CNET as usual and I came across a video with Brian Tong and I thought to myself: NO WAY! He has my dream job!

Consumer Product Reviewer Broadcast Personality!
And SHIT he looks like he's my age, please say he's older, do I have time?!

Fortunately he has a website that he's maintain since 2000, so I decided to stalk, read up on him for a couple of hours.. on my spare time.


After graduating from San Jose State majoring in Broadcast Journalism/ Business Marketing, he hosted a show on Stir, an Asian American Youth based network. There he interviewed a handful of stars and traveled the globe, he was also a poster boy for apple... from there he continued to pursue his dreams of being on TV.

I highly recommend reading his blog because it highlights his accomplishments for the passed 5 years. I really think it's interesting to see his growth, and it's a quick read... (compared to mine -.-) just skip the entries about basketball. Yuck.

In September last year, he landed a gig with CNET and I discovered that he's 28! Okay. I am 22. I have 6 years to be where he is, do amazing things, represent the Asian American community... something. Work not to just make money, but work and love with what I am doing. As I delve deeper into his blog, I also discover that he is an extreme consumer and dreams to have his own television show. Good lord. He's so ambitious, he tried out for American Idol, maintains a hot body and developed an impressive network... etc. etc.

Though my dreams aren't exactly like his, he inspires me to follow a dream and accomplish things that I can be proud of. I am empowered to reach for my full potential and do amazing things while in my 20s!! And that means... I need to actually work hard instead of doing the bare minimum!!!! That means, I should do the best work that I can!! That means that I need to step away from "safe" and bungee jump into adventure!!

Let's make something of myself!!!!!!!!
(Head vs. Heart editorial found on Brian's site)

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Movies: Eating Out 2 & Date Movie

Instead of working out with Jane, I sit at home crocheting while watching pixelated movies found on (whatever you do, don't install the SPAM!!)

Date Movie

Everyone wants a happy ending.

I don't know why. But. Why not right? Okay. It was funny and stupid and perfect because I didn't need to pay attention that much because I was crocheting. But I felt pathetic because I laughed at one of the lines, slapped my knee, and looked over to my side to ... no one. I was laughing to myself... damn.

Frank Jones: So, Grant, how do you pronounce your last name?
Grant: Exactly how it's spelled. F-U-N-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R. [pause]
Frank Jones: Funk-yerdoder?

Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds

I have this thing about watching gay themed movies. And most of them are horrible. But this one was interesting!

The first one was pretty bad, but the second one was Fantastic! The guy is way hotter and there was an Asian character at the beginning that I liked, even though he looks like a monkey. For those of you who have an interesting take on sexual orientation, check out this movie! in 8 parts!! I was really impressed with the kissing scenes! But I warn you... it's really sexual and hilarious!

Is it in His Kiss?

I think it is.
And I guess lately I have been oblivious on how much weight a kiss carries.
And how much value is placed on a kiss.

I found an article on how one kiss could change your life which declares that a kiss "could also be nature's way of filtering certain people from our lives." Wow. And another article which explains why bad kissers don't get to second base stating that "59 percent of men said they've been in the position of being attracted to someone -- until they kissed the person."

And it makes me want to share with you my kissing stories.
Get some popcorn, this should be good.

My First Kiss
She was on the swim team, and I told her I liked her. She said she liked me too so decided to go on a date. It was a double date at Goftland sophomore year in high school. We were waiting for my parents to pick us up and we were standing face to face but avoiding eye contact. My heart was racing because I REALLY wanted to kiss her. The night before I actually looked up instructions on how to kiss. "Turn your head so you don't bump noses... slowly move in." Got it. I wrote it all in a notepad so I wouldn't forget. I was trying to make eye contact.. because that's step one.. but she kept avoiding my look and when she looked at me, I shyed away. I couldn't take it anymore and I just asked... "can.. we... um... kiss?" She smiled, I leaned forward to give her a quick peck and she returned the lip movement.

"Wow.... that was nice... can we do it again?" My heart was still racing. She laughed at me, nodded innocently and kissed me back and pulled away. And I smiled for a whole week; giving her quick pecks in the hallways holding her hand until we made buckets of water because we both had sweaty palms. 2 months later we broke up over AIM.

"The best kisses are always the ones that happen accidentally," but obviously with my note pad, I was planning something. She told me that even though I was ridiculous, she wouldn't want her first kiss any other way! And now.. she's a hot kisser that almost turns me straight.

My Second Girlfriend My First Make Out Session.
Junior Year in high school.
I kept looking at a picture of us we took at Chuck-E-Cheese.
"Why do you keep looking at the picture?"
"I don't know," she was flirting with me because I think she liked me. "...I guess... it's because of who's in it."

We went through the whole "talking" thing and I invited her to a Family function. I got really upset at my cousins so I went for a walk and she joined me. In the park we giggle and joked, looked at the stars. She wasn't shy. She went for a kiss and we made out. "Good lord, this is messy," I thought to myself. Her tongue was EVERYWHERE!

She tried to stick her tongue down my throat, but I blocked it with my teeth. No thank you. But we continued to make out into the night. We broke up after two months... over AIM. Aaron was upset because I just told him that I was "bisexual" and then I got a girlfriend. I told her I was bisexual and she didn't really seem to be affected. At least she didn't trigger my gag reflex.

My First Kiss With a Boy
Senior Year of High school. I was nervous because I met him over the Internet. Yeah, I know, Right? He drove from Fremont and asked me where we could go to hang out. I said, there's a hill behind my house and we hiked. He was already flirtatious with me and we had just met. We sat on a blanket in the afternoon checking out the view. I lay on my back and he gazed down at me. He brushed my hair and breathed heavily. He slowly leaned forward and kissed me. "I really like you.." I think he said. My heart was racing. No longer was I bisexual.

Someone else was hiking on the hill too and he quickly threw a jacket over his head and said, "pretend I'm a girl!!!" 2 months later... we had a rocky break up and I broke his heart. Later he returned the pain. We met up again... and we kissed and he told me... "you kiss differently now." Really? Because of my technique? Because of different emotions?

My First Kiss with Tofu
Freshman year of college. In the dorm lounge we were watching Meet the Parents. I was leaning on him or vice versa. We were comfortable and we were embracing each other. We kissed... and there were fireworks. One of the RA's opened the door saw us and ran away. Oops.

I told Tofu that absolutely NO ONE can compare to his lips. That... I can kiss a million guys (yuck) but there was only one pair of lips that were perfect...

My First Drunk Kiss
Okay. It was gross, it was messy, it wasn't Tofu. I wanted to die.

Where are the Fireworks?
That was a summary of some unforgettable kisses. Kissing is important! A friend of mine told me that he asked the last guy he dated to rate his kissing technique. A kiss says a lot.

According to those websites, "men tend to kiss to gain sexual favors or to reconcile, whereas women kiss as a mate-assessment technique. Kissing is also a way for men to connect with their partners and keep them interested physically." But what about gay men? This is where I feel the conflict lies.

I'm sure to most men of all orientation, kissing is a way to be playful and flirtatious; while partying and playing games. It's really safe... well compared to other things you can do. Making out with random people at parties... that's nothing new. And the action may lead to "sexual favors..." woot!! And because of all of this, I feel as though I don't romanticize kisses the way I used to; wanting that "spark" etc... to determine if they are "relationship worthy." (My biological clock is ticking!!) But rather, I have been indulging in being adventurous and claiming innocent...

I forget what it's like to really be into someone, be nervous around them. It would be nice to go on a date with someone that I'm really into... not sort of into, not because I'm supposed to be into... but because I am into... and get a kiss at the end and see fireworks... but then again....many people have yet to experience that "take your breath away" kiss... and I may be living in some romantic comedy chick flick that rarely paints reality accurately.

For now, I like being "a guy" and being playful and flirtatious... I like being single... I like being ambiguous.... but I need to remind myself that a lot is said about a person by the way that they kiss. Fireworks or not, I better be sending the right message... so I better practice... just kidding... :D

Monday, January 7, 2008

Organizing My Life

I added "My Favorite Entries" on the Right bar so you can get to know me more efficiently
I added "Empowerment" on the Right bar to share inspiring links
I added new labels
-Reminisce: entries about my past
-Fashion: entries about my fashion struggle; MAYBE you'll learn something through my suffering
-Movie/Food: entries with my opinion on certain movies and food!


"People need to do better at staying alive!" -Alysia
In addition to my Aunt, my friend's grandma passed away during the storm when the electricity went out and her oxygen flow stopped. She was very ill, but nonetheless, it was still a tragic incident. My other friend's uncle passed away and my boss' father passed away too. Like the fence in front of my house... you can never assume that it could hold up against a storm.

Embarrassing Sex Story
K, I'm going to tell this story because it's too good to forget! My friend was having sex in the guest room and shooed his mate away before his parents woke up. Too tired to clean up, he left his mess for the morning and headed to his room to retire. When he woke up to clean, he discovered that everything had already been cleaned.

His dad confronted him.
"Did you have Sex last night?!"
"Oh, no"
"Were you masturbating...?"
"mmmm ... yes... I was......"

Now his parents think he masturbates in the guest room.... with a condom. HAHAH!

Home Cooked Meals
You know. I'm really lucky. When I come home, dinner is ready. And not just any dinner, but a really good dinner. Today I had a quesadilla and Vietnamese noodles! My Asian American stomach was greatly satisfied. Nothing like home cooked meals.

When I was at Northern region Pho style place I noticed something on the menu. Hmmm.

Fashion POLICE!!!!
I don't feel as bad about what I'm wearing when I see these people.


Check out these Fashion Police videos I made at Berkeley.

I know I'm weird.

My Room
I organized my closet with these boxes from Michael's that cost $1.66 each!

And I'm trying to do some cool frame arrangement. Mony helped me lots. What do you think?