Short Films, Quick Encounters

Our film maker friend Andrew invited us to Fusion - Outfest's LGBT People of Color Film festival at the Egyptian Theatre on March 5.

Watching Gay Films was a part of my to-do list.  Actually watching Gay theatre was on the list, but close enough.  And all these films were less than 15 minutes long.  Perfect for my attention span.

Below is the program that I took from the website.   I was only able to find STOP IT on youtube.  I believe the rest are in the works to being published (?)



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FUSION SHORTS PROGRAM
A hilarious spoof on intervention programs kicks off a cinematic journey through the twists and turns of being in the family. From taking a stand despite resistance of disapproving kin and friends, to uncomfortable love triangulations, to youthful experimentation, it's the Fusion Shorts Program – all with a dash of lipstick and sequins to make it sparkle.

	STOP IT - ALMA  Dir: Mike Rose A spoof on intervention reality shows that features a woman, who compulsively cooks to the dismay of her family who just wants her to Stop It!
	REVOLUTION   Dir: Abdi Nazemian A coming-of-age story about Jack, a 16-year old Iranian boy growing up in 1989 Los Angeles.
	TIME AFTER TIME  Dir: Laurie Thomas The unspoken dance of a love triangle unfolds in the time it takes to sing this song.
	Andy  Dir: Andrew Ahn A six-year old boy discovers what it means to be a man.
	REMEMBER ME IN RED  Dir: Hector Ceballos Fidelia must find a way to honor what would have been her friend’s wishes before it is too late.
	FAMILY IN THE FRAME  Dir: Neelu Bhuman Accentuated by voices of family members, this short film is an honest portrayal of the experience of bisexuality.
	THE QUEEN  Dir: Christina Choe Bobby, a Korean-American teenage outcast, is working at his parents’ dry cleaners on prom weekend. When the prom queen and her boyfriend, stop by with their dress and tuxedo, Bobby has his own prom to remember.
	CHANGE  Dir: Melissa Osborne & Jeff McCutcheon A gay African-American teenager grapples with his young identity on the night Obama was elected president and Proposition 8 passed.

=====
They had a Q&A session after:

Andrew explained that the focus of his film was on the paranoia stemming from the father's character.  It's a commentary on Korean specific parental behaviors.

I was quite proud to be friends with the director.

My favorite though has to be "The Queen." Here is a teaser.  It was absurdly entertaining.

We tried to get a group picture in front of this Outfest backdrop, but then realized it was for the directors.  Oops.  Slowly backed away embarrassed as people tried to shoo away the large group of Asians trying to take pictures in front of seemingly interesting things.

There were a ton of folks there to support Andrew!  I was hoping to get a shot of everyone, but it was too difficult.

Jimmy, Tommy and I snuck away to get a little Thai dinner and found ourselves at Hollywood Thai.




==========================

Meet Tommy.
Our fabulous friend that Jimmy knew through Xanga (I know right?)  Ever since he got that perm he's been getting hit on (aggressively).

Tommy: Chris, that guy is checking me out
Letopho: Uh huh

Moments later the waitress in poor English says, "The guy want you buy drink for him." She pointed to the guy that Tommy was referring to.

What she meant was that the guy wanted to buy a drink for Tommy, but we looked confused.  She tried again, but this time started to bashfully laugh. Thai accent continued, "he's.... the gay... " *chuckle* "he comes here all time, don't worry."

Tommy looked at us, "WHAT DO I DO!? OMG" While the guy kept looking at Tommy.  Like, stared at Tommy.

Tommy accepted the offer and ordered a drink.  Then started pondering if he should return it.  I advised him, "if it doesn't feel right... but whatever."  Okay, not really advise.

Tommy seemed to have resolved his dilemma, walked to the guy and politely declined the drink.  The guy reassured him that there was no pretense, but Tommy declined anyway. Moments later Tommy looks at us and goes, "i want to give him my number."

Tommy wrote his number on a napkin and handed it to the waitress to give to the guy in the red shirt.  We watched her as she headed to his table and hands the napkin... TO THE WRONG GUY.  EVERYONE screams as if we just witnessed a murder.  Tables around us looked in our direction.

Fast forward - Tommy ended up on the karaoke stage of the restaurant and did some "Thai dancing" with the guy.  And by Thai dancing I mean undulating your fingers like you're double jointed.   The guy the napkin was handed to dismissed the note and Red Shirt took a taxi to WeHo after we finished dinner to hang out with Tommy for the rest of the night. 

Riidiculous.

At 4AM I get a facebook message from Tommy saying that Red Shirt had stolen his iPhone.  All that flirting just to get an iPhone?  At 4PM the next day I get a text from Tommy saying, "the phone was under my car seat."

==

After being absurdly entertained, we rejoined the group to wish Andrew a happy birthday and celebrate his short film.

When Straight Guys Use Gay Guys

It's pretty obvious when I hit on a guy.  But I was a little unprepared for this one.

This new guy appeared into my life a couple of months ago and he was uber cute.  I couldn't tell if he was gay or not, but he dressed well, was my height and had a killer smile.  I did what I usually do when I hit on guys - put on my giraffe hat and my fuck-me face and make conversation.  "HOW YOU DOIN?"

He was friendly, I talked to him on AIM pretty aggressively and weaseled my way into being facebook friends where I discovered that he had ZERO friends in common and that he played volleyball.  gay.  Someone of a different circle, how interesting.  And of course, playing this twisted which-team-do-you-play-on game excited me.

I talked to him after hours when I saw him online as well and sent him random pictures of things I thought were funny.  Subtle flirtation turned to max.

He began to give off vibes.  He hollered at me when I walked by to show me random shit and made small talk.  He touched my shoulders and arms bromantically as we passed through the halls.  Sweet!

Finally, I got him in an alcoholic setting where he put his arm around my shoulder, *swoon.*
"Chris!"
"hey!" I was thrilled that he was being really friendly.
"buy me a drink"
"excuse me?"
"dude when ever I go to gay bars, dudes always buy me a drink."
"right."

He was already two shots in.  We were not at a gay bar, but he continued raving about gay places.  Apparently his gay friends take him out all the time.  "Gay bar" is the biggest coming out topic bomb you can drop, but he talked about going gay clubbing in a different way than I had anticipated.

He continued, "I love GAY bars! Girls have their guard down, they are so easy!"
"Right, they trust you.  They just want to dance."
"exactly... anyway, do you ever notice that girl?  man, she's hot." He pointed across the bar.
"She's cute." I didn't agree, but I just said yeah.
"Yeah.. I'm not gay or anything." He dropped the, just-to-clarify bomb.
"I didn't think so."  I lied. he was compensating and he continued to talk about every girl in the room as if he was trying to provide evidence that he wasn't gay despite everything he had said/done two seconds ago.

"Which gay bar did you go to?" I asked him.
"Uhh dude, i dont know.. um.. Cherry pop?"  what a liar, he knew where he was.
"I LOVE CHERRY POP!" I exclaimed as I was just there this weekend.
"Of course you do." The way he said this made me feel uneasy.

I walked away felling weird.  He was such a dude-bro.  He talked about how the girl he was eying had a boyfriend, but "whatever."  I felt taken advantage of.  He wanted ME to buy HIM a drink knowing that I was flirting with him in the beginning.

WTF.

Like any self respecting American party boy, I will buy drinks for pretty girls and then dance with them.  But if I'm buying a boy a drink it's because 1.) they're my friend or 2.) there's potential for something.  But I ain't buying you a drink so you can relive your awesome gay club experiences just because you want to capitalize on my obvious interest.

I think it's hilarious when this happens to other gay guys.  But man, when it happens to you... you feel so used.

I saw him again that night where he told me I should be his wing man.  He probably saw that I was getting groovy with the ladies.  I joked that I would be good and he agreed.  "OF COURSE YOU WOULD!"  God.  SUCH a user.  He wanted a gay friend to buy him drinks and get him into some panties.  How evil, how nasty.... how brilliant.  ugh.

I need to stop this straight/closeted fetish.

Anyway.  I shouldn't be hitting on any boys anyway and retire this giraffe hat.  My sexy HOW YOU DOIN face is too hawt to be used this often.

Uncertain Human Connection

I would prefer it that I date people who chat online because there are particular conversations that you have online that do not happen face to face or through text. And it's the idea of knowing that they are available to talk compared to feeling like you are intruding when you call/ text them.

I had two very interesting conversations today with folks I've recently met. I successfully sparked epiphanies with both parties talking about being single. I would like to think that I have enough wisdom and experience to share to others, but in reality, I don't, so I must blog it out to reassure myself.

I personally DONT want to experience pain and disappointment and would like to relish in the freedom of my 20s by embracing free love and flirtations. Commitment is not worth risking heartache (for now). But I still would like to connect with people. I don't want to expect anything from anyone and would just like to enjoy uncertainty.

If I hook up with someone I'd like to ask them to stay to cuddle so that I connect with another human in that moment for longer than 1.5 hours. Why, do we need to leave after we hook up with someone? Please stay and talk to me... and then leave in the morning to return to your life. Because if you leave at 2AM, I will feel dirty and empty. If you leave at 10AM, I will feel like I have successfully made that connection. A connection that may or may not be emotional... but let's not figure that out tomorrow.

Over AIM I talked about how it's impossible to recreate first love. In relationships proceeding first love, we attached ourselves to the first spark that we feel because we are relieved that we are capable of experiencing the same amazing sensations of first love with someone else. In actuality, we are not actually experiencing that same love, but rather remembering what it feels like and projecting it.

And that's why it's good to take things slow... so that something new can develop that's different from previous love.

I advised my new friends not to be so eager to put pressure in defining relationships, but rather let feelings breath and manifest organically. You can't demand a definition because there may not be an answer at the time. "What are we?" ... "Does it matter?" Why are we in such a hurry... we are gay, our eggs do not rot with time. We are young, we have other matters to deal with. "Are we dating?" "Are you interested?" ... Often, the answer is, I don't know.

What's more fun? Knowing the answer to these questions or being uncertain?  

It's the uncertainty that excites me- not knowing where anything is going and not letting that stop you touching, frustrate you to insanity or drain you so that you no longer have any sort of energy to do anything else. It is during uncertainty that you melt when you win the who-contacts-who-first game. And if it doesn't happen, you are able to just shrug your shoulders and focus on other things/relationships. At the same time, it's not being afraid to admit that you're thinking of them, tug at their heart strings.

I enjoy making connections with undefined titles and letting things develop naturally; to enjoy company without expectation and experience relationships without pressure.  Even though I'm single.... I don't feel alone.

Free Love

There are 6 boys in my bed and the slats gave way and my mattress fell to the ground resulting a large gay shriek followed by laughter from everyone.  I built it myself from IKEA.

Last night our huge group found ourselves at PopStarz at the factory.  There was a 90's music dance floor that dedicated itself to a little Genie in a bottle, Bye bye bye, Vengabus, I Feel like a Women, and the macarena, which I shamelessly engaged in.  It felt like I was karaoke night clubbing (AMAZING).

Not too drunk, I found myself flirtatious- "accidentally" exposing these exhibitionist photos I had recently taken.  I kissed a friend, a boy I dated in the past, a boy that I was sort of dating (kinda) and a hot Indian boy from Berkeley who I always run into.  "I have to go, but let's kiss," he stated. I leaned forward for a taste- the curry was spicy, I was offered seconds and then he disappeared.  I wish I knew he was gay in college, would have had fun with that... I love Bollywood.

I'm rethinking my no make out at the club policy which I broke recently.  But what about these cute friendly kisses?  Flirtatious, quick, delicious, not regretful kisses to go around.  I logged these kisses in my moleskine black book and thought- this is free love.  This is fun, this feels great and to be tied down, to have to deal with jealousy and emotions would be an added stress that I don't want to carry (right now).

Free love - I'm attracted to you. Let's enjoy the night.  Let's touch and experience new sensations.   Experiment with my unfamiliar body.  Excite.  -  This idea is 180 from my previous emo entries about drifting and desiring some sort of connection.  I do desire love and I realize as of last night that it doesn't need to come from just one person.  So I take it back Jimmy, I don't want a boyfriend I want to engage in offering my body, my energy, my spirit to folks who find me valuable and make connections beyond friendship but before partnership.

Today is the last day of Jubilant July and this epiphany completes my journey in discovering what currently makes me happy.

Switches

One of my favorite things to do is walking around with a needle deflating egos. Cockiness needs to go. 

letopho: i enjoy our purely sexual relationship
casual f-buddy: how can you not?  I mean, really, it's me
letopho: yup, sexuality is all that's of interest
casual f-buddy: well, i hope that at least my mind is interesting... ><
letopho: *silence.*

The casual f-buddy doesn't come around too often, but I'm beginning to appreciate how bluntly sexual our relationship is even if it didn't initially start that way.  On AIM he says shit like, "when are you coming over."  or "I'm in town." And that's it.  We don't hang out other than to sleep with each other, which I find quite efficient.

It's so one dimensional, it's so easy.  It's based purely on physical pleasure.

F-Buddy/Hookup

Brain - Off

Heart - Off
Body - Turned on to Max

===

Hmm.. I think I've stumbled upon something. How does connect/disconnect among "the logical mind, the passionate heart" and the animalistic body relate to different types or relationships and transitioning relationships?

Committed "Perfect" Relationship
Brain - On (Made for each other)

Heart - On (They're the one)

Body - On (Wow.. MARRY THIS FUCKER!)

Crush/Infatuation
Brain - Off (You're an idiot.  You're going to regret this. Dont do it... too bad you're not listening)
Heart - On (It's gonna hurt...)
Body - On

Love Above Sex, Comfortable, Complacent (Positive)
Brain - On
Heart - On (Love that surpasses physical desires)
Body - Off

Sexless Love, Comfortable, Complacent (Negative)
Brain - On
Heart - On
Body - Off (sex in need of spice... in need of a third.....a costume...SOMETHING! QUICK!)

Robotic ... "seeing where things go," the early dating stage
Brain - On (Hmmm, they're interesting.. this can go somewhere)
Heart - Off (I think I like them, sort of.. maybe..sometimes?)
Body - On (Heh, cute smile.. good body, sure why not?)

Gold Digger/For Another Reason Besides Love
Brain - On (This is for my future, this will please my parents, I'm getting too old, this is the smart thing to do)
Heart - Off (If they died, I would be happier)
Body - Off (but you can fake it)

Do you agree?  I think it's interesting when switches turn on and off within relationships.  Makes sense, once the heart flicks on, folks get serious or in trouble or when the body switch flicks off- folks become comfortable or bored... and when the brain flicks off from dating, it becomes just a potential hook up...etc etc  Another question is, how does a switch get flicked? and what would it mean if we had complete control?!?  *rubs hands together demonically*

As for my f-buddy the switches are thankfully constant as if someone duct taped them down... so no, I don't find your mind interesting.  See you Thursday night?

I Like This One

Jimmy is convinced that I want a boyfriend.  But I argue that if love finds a way back into my life, why would I ever reject it?  So in a sense, yes, I would like a boyfriend, but no, I don't need a boyfriend (as I've convinced myself).

Boys come in and out.  In and out.  And in a drunken stupor I pointed to one and declared loudly, "I like this one!" as if I was a child shopping for a stuffed animal. The boy glanced over, I think he smiled and continued the conversation he was having with someone else.  I wasn't embarrassed because I really don't fucking care.  And Jimmy was experiencing second hand embarrassment enough for the both of us.

Later that night I told some folks that I was interested in that boy to which one person responded, "I know him... he's bad news!!"  And he explained why.  I covered my ears, "LALALALA I don't care!!"  Because.. because because because! I don't want to hear bull shit gossip, hear-say that ruins opportunities because your impression of him shouldn't affect my opinion of him until I can actually go on my coffee date interview with him.

It really sucks that reputation and "friendly warnings" about certain people really ruin impressions when it shouldn't matter to a person who is mature enough to figure it out themselves (I hope.)  But I guess for folks who don't know, they take these precautions.  Makes me wonder if folks ever warn each other about me.  "Chris?  He's bad news, he'll blog about you."

But anyway, I heard what was said, "...he's bad news... he's dating so-and-so anyway."  Ah, that's more important information and I moved along as I'm supposed to.  And I'm coming to realize that I usually heed these warnings when I should make an effort not to.. starting now.

For instance, I've been attracted to a boy until I hear someone say he's self absorb.  Crush disappears.  I've been attracted to a boy until I hear that he hunts giraffes and eats babies.  Crush evaporates.  I've been attracted to a boy until I hear someone say that he loves house music.... crush... I'll think about it.

We shouldn't come into things with all this preconceived notions!  Let's all just be blank slates!  Acknowledge warnings, sure, but we shouldn't throw all opportunities away just because of 6 degree separated conversation.  After all, we are just good people trying to fill our tummies, even if the cup of noodle isn't complete full.

In Need of Down Time

I really need a Sunday morning where I could just wake up at 8:30AM, sit on my bean bag by my tiny attic window and blog about all the shit that's been going on in June.

But no- There's a movie to catch, there are groceries to buy, there's a festival down the street, there's a naked boy in the bed asking to get breakfast.

AHHH!! Go away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my to-do list keeps growing and growing.

==

Why I don't Like Tall Boys:

Because I'm the big spoon and I'd like my crotch to align with your ass.

Poke

I amuse myself. Click image to read convo.

Driving to See a Boy

Last night I drove to Huntington Beach to see a boy from the OC.

I thought to myself- man, driving all hours of the night just so that I could cuddle with someone, to feel good, to feel wanted... gays waste so much gas to achieve affirmation. Folks in the bay.. it's like driving from South San Jose to San Francisco (oh wait, Yallz do it on the daily.)

A couple of weeks ago I was at the flea market and I saw this booth that had Banksy art painted on a canvas. It was one of those gifts that you had to buy for someone because you knew they would love it. My friends told me not to buy it... but I had to. The boy from the OC's favorite animal painted in his favorite color on an art piece for his new room that he just moved into...

I didn't want him to think that I liked him too much because when you give attention too early, too easily it is taken for granted. That's the whole game right? But I enjoy buying things for boys that I like...

I handed it to him when I arrived and he loved it. I should have written something corny on the back, but didn't. He kissed me for the gift and we cuddled in his bed. He silences me... I find myself struggling to talk naturally around him for some reason.

Initial Coffee Date - Kiss
...
...
Last night was the fourth time I saw him...

I was surprised we went that far... but it felt right. My heart was racing right after... it's been so long since I've felt so in sync with someone in bed.

I didn't sleep well because of a crick in my neck, I was also cold... He said a couple of things that struck a chord... and made me wonder, am I special?? Though I don't feel very special.

I woke up with him at 6AM to leave for work in LA and to arrive by 9AM. I thought I allotted myself more than enough time and yet I found myself in traffic. I was stuck for 30 minutes going no where. How do people do this?

He's busy, I'm busy, we are geographically undesirable from one another... but I feel like we are on the same page. I'm happy that he contacted me after we had initially messed around... so that we could develop a relationship as fuck friends, casual dating, something more? who knows, who cares?

Because so many jerks out there leave you after they get what they want. Which is bullshit.

Right Choice

I felt his heart beat fast.

-

Before the date I looked up his facebook and found this under the info:

4 Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Stroke my hair.
2. Pleasant surprises.
3. Be goofy.
4. Cook for me.

Perfect, a complete guide.

-

He was wearing a dressy shirt and a tie. I was wearing a t-shirt and flip flops. Oops.

I was originally going to take him to Umami Burger (my favorite burger joint in LA), but he told me he's already been there. Mario's Peruvian was next on my list, but the atmosphere was too grungy. Shik Do Rak? My favorite KBBQ? No, he was dressed too nicely and I didn't want to make his tie smell. Fuck! I was running out of ideas and I really wanted to impress him especially when he drive 40 miles to see me and had to wake for work by 5AM the next day.

I was getting anxiety to pick the perfect dinner place to eat, but nothing felt right until I realized there was a local Thai place that I had enjoyed in the past. I made the choice quick enough and stress was allieviated.

Picking the place to eat is so important. I remember dates that bombed because the wrong restaurant was chosen, but this Thai place was easy, comfortable and good enough.

"It's Thai" has a nice romantic feel, but as more and more white people came in, I was worried that it was not as authentic as it should have been. He reassured me, "as long as the waiters and workers are ethnically correct, I don't mind places that are westernized." Relief once again!

He order this Thai salad called Larb that he claimed to be very particular about. He was excited that they had it on the menu. Please don't fail me restaurant!! Unfortunately the chicken was the wrong texture, but he brushed it off. (I would have been offended for days.)

Taking our order, the waitress asked, "what would you like on your noodle dish? Beef or shrimp?" I quickly responded beef. After the waitress left the boy told me that shrimp was something he didn't really like (due to some childhood trauma). And he was relieved I made the right choice. I smiled.

'Right choice.'

At that point I realized that the first dates/first impressions are all about the 'right choice.' God, it was so stressful. But I'd say it was a great first date preceding the preliminary coffee date screening.

The first date felt like a two way interview- facetiously speaking.
Not really acting different from yourself per say, but rather accentuating your best qualities and hoping it jives.

Though the restaurant wasn't perfect, the conversation was wonderful.

--

I'm really into him. He's Laos and he gets it. He grew up humbled by financial difficulty and I find him utterly charming and ridiculously handsome.

I don't know if I should play this game and act, "not that interested." But I think hiding that would be very difficult.

I'm writing down everything that I learned about him tonight- a routine that I usually do when I meet boys of interest.

...and yes I also maintained my first date, first base policy though it was really tempting not to. And I completed 'way 1' in the "Four Ways to Win My Heart" manual above... I'm nervous about 'way 4.' He said that he enjoyed my sample platter... and that he'll be coming back for more.

Let's see where this goes.

Abrupt Encounter

"I had fun, did you have a good time?"
"Yeahh.."

Boy leans in...
*OMG he's going in to kiss me*

Finally.

I was forgetting how kisses were initiated. Oh yeah, someone leans in. Got it.

==

I met a guy during the roller skating event that I had been eyeing (preemptive stalking.) His swag, his voice, his smile all were very attractive to me. I displayed obvious interest in him. The interest was returned. Considering how much innuendo was in our conversations after, I was prepared for a hook up/f-ck buddy.

But then he asked for a coffee date... which floored me. "That makes me happy," I responded.

Casual coffee date. Conversation about board games, swimming, scary movies, work...
And a short make out session in my bedroom until roommates came home...

:]

Flirt Fail

So I'm trying to flirt on AIM with this boy I recently met at one of the parties-

Letopho: what are other deal breakers?
Boy: social ignorance
Boy: lack of hygiene
Boy: gluttony
Letopho: shit
Letopho: you just listed my 3 top hobbies

I think I'm approaching this all wrong.

Date, League, Loyalty

Date

My date last Tuesday was good.

Good conversation, no sparks. I felt bad that he paid, but youre paying to take someone you're interested out. Right? Anyway, I offered to take him out next time.. it was nice to have a legit date by heteronormative standards- meet through a friend, get invited to dinner, conversation... casual.

T'was nice.



==

League

I was chatting with a buddy who proclaimed, "he's out of my league." And I thought about what that means. I think it's a depressing idea and I would like to think that we are all in ONE league...

Meh.

"Oh whatever, he's just another gay with the same insecurities." ... despite his pretty face, charming personality, good job...

He wants the same thing you want. And if he feels he's too good to give you a chance.. then you don't want to be with a guy like that anyway. Don't feel inadequate, ever.



==

While taking a few hits...

I chatted with a dude who came out in his later twenties or what I call a "late bloomer," yet his ideas of dating seemed realistic and mature. It reflect his age despite his delayed path to grand homosexuality.

Not word for word.. but generally speaking, this is what he said:

"If I'm horny, I'll mess around and that'll happen until we establish exclusivity. Hooking up is hooking up... I'm not too concerned with commitment, what I am concerned with is "emotional loyalty." Have all the fun, but let me know how you feel."

I was so turned on by his thoughts, but it could have been the 420.

Interested-Ing

Man.
My blogging drive has drained.

http://www.formspring.me/letopho

Ask me anything, maybe it will inspire provocative thoughts.

==

There's this guy who has expressed interest in me. He was acting all silly and conversation was a bit unnatural, but I was flattered. He even made his friends wait so that he could talk to me some more. I thought to myself that it was ridiculous and played it all cool and shiet, but this was not too unfamiliar... and it put things into perspective..

...that when I.. am interested in someone I act silly. I tell them I think they're cute and run away. I struggle with conversation. I poke them on facebook and leave creepster messages.

... and this guy, that I believe is interested in me, isn't acting creepster, but maybe more silly... and I'm just waiting for him to ask me on a date or something because even though I'm not initially interested, I wouldn't mind seeing where things go... I think I need a new character in my life.

Anyway. I think it's strange when boys are interested in me... but at the same time the boys who are interested me are usually strange.... and I like that.

==

G.R.D.-
I thought it would be funny to poke a boy (that I was crushing) in real life as I poked him on facebook. I poked him too hard and he said ouch... and then I ran away when I saw that I had hurt him. Yeah I have so much game.

Transparency

I haven’t mentioned Crazy Aquarius much here, but I feel like updating since he’s been a nice addition to my life.

The goal here is to be as transparent as possible.

He "knows where I stand." But I can't help but feel like it's unfair to him that I'm affectionately friendly while not looking for anything more while he seemingly expresses great interest. My coworker asked me about him and responded, "YOU SLUT!!" When I told him my situation. I am amused that I can be so open at work.

Crazy Aquarius is really sweet and and brings a lot of positive energy to my life and my house; Ern enjoys his company very much. I don't want to take advantage of his attention.. his company without really returning anything, but he assures me that he’s not giving me any sort of special treatment because he’s the type to smother all of his friends.

So I guess for now that's all I can ask for is a good friend who "knows where I stand" and being very transparent of my intentions is important to me.

==

What happened to the last guy I dated? Not much, he was a poor communicator to begin with so he just disappeared. He never returned my calls, but we always invite him to the house parties. So should I check up on him? =/ I guess I should leave him to his space.

==

Crazy Aquarius took that picture of me. I curled my hair again before I cut it off. I shaped it into a Mohawk for the Christmas shindig, but I didn't gel it so it eventually flattened and looked like a nasty rodent on my head. How do you do make it look so good Geneticboi???

... I call this hairchive: The Naima Mora (from Top Model) Inspired

Not Compromising my Blog

With Crazy Aquarius admitting that he found my blog I realize there are a lot of things I want to write about because he is such a character. But as Debriefing the Boys puts it:

...every time I feel like sitting down to write something, which is often, I think about all the people who are reading it. And it's not that I'm becoming a more private person, or that the stakes are higher (for me). It's just that I don't feel like I'm in control of my story any longer. I always made calculated risks in what I wrote, because almost no story is JUST about me. There was always a slim chance that I'd offend somebody in real life. But lately, every time I make that calculation, it isn't worth the risk.

...

Anyway, if you're a new blogger starting out, my advice is this: NEVER reveal your identity. It'll be the death of your blog.

I guess letting you know who I am hasn't actually "killed my blog," but I know that I would be writing more interesting things if I was more anonymous. There is something about blogging that feels better than writing in a private diary. Your thoughts aren't thrown away into a book under your bed for no one to see when you blog. And I like knowing that my stories have some sort of value. Blogging liberates... this is my personal time.

So fuck it.

Crazy Aquarius asked me, "do you promise not to be scared if I tell you something?" This is how I responded, "NO! DONT TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" If someone is going to say, "promise not to be scared?" Don't you immediately go into panic room mode? I was prepared for the worst even though I insisted that he didn't say anything.... imagination ran wild: is he an alien? is he a long lost cousin? did he steal my underwear??????

As it turns out what he wanted to tell me was I remind him of his ex. Which wasn't scary at all. What was scary was that he told me that he really liked me. To this I responded, "NO! BAD!"

And with that he's been trying to set me up with his friends who he thinks I would adore based on how our stars and moons aligned.

Hmm. Sort of strange? Yeah. But the transparency is refreshing.

Whiff

This Latino lady let me sniff her loins because I complemented how good her laundry smelled.

I realized that I could make my clothes smell like anything I wanted by adding it to my detergent... like mint leaves, lavender... pho!

*Imagination runs wild*

==

This is the 5th guy that's complemented my natural smell. But this is the first guy that's ever shoved his face in my pits to get a stronger whiff. He admitted to be a "smell sort of guy" which I thought was cool until he started sniffing my permanent pens and candles as if they were the only source of oxygen in the room.

I spent the day with Crazy Aquarius, and I have to say I found myself more interested than expected. I think he's very cute until he makes this stupid face when he tries to be cute- he becomes deformed looking. I informed him of that and of course he does it more, blast. He also smokes and I told him that I won't kiss him after smoking those cancer sticks.

It's interesting because he's the opposite of the guy I was dating that I recently ended it with. He texts me good night at midnight, he complements me for no reason like when I sneeze and he enjoys frequent close mouth quick pecking.

I called the guy I was dating to check up on him- voice mail. No return call. Hmm. I'm friends with his roommate so I asked her to check up on him. Blah. I was reminded of that episode of friends where Phoebe was good at breaking up with people. I don't think I ended it very well. Mike, my roommate suggested that next time I use the line, "we're good friend, but I don't think we'll become anything more serious than that."

Gosh, I sounds so much better than, "I don't have feelings for you."

==

KORRRREan.

After ditching my roommates at the Abbey in WeHo, I spent rest of my Halloween night with Crazy Aquarius and his Korean friends, who I love. I learned that one of the girls was adopted. It makes me wonder what percentage of Korean Americans are adopted. I feel like Americans like adopting Koreans... because they are spicy or something. Or maybe the Korean government was having a Korean baby sale ...............or something.

Crazy Aquarius also showed me his fat pictures. I'm interested to see how many Korean boys started off fat. I told him to start a facebook support group: I Used to be a Fat Korean Boy, now I'm sexy....

Oh Koreans... so sexy, so crazy, so adopted.

Becoming the Other Guy

I think it's been 2 months since I first started dating the guy and our relationship had hit an expected plateau. With all the advice from friends, I had planned to talk to him about just being friends later this week.... my logic for prolonging this was that I hoped that I didn't need to say anything and he would just get it. I guess I hoped that we were both on the same page and we could avoid that awkward part of getting it in words and documents. This is a common mistake.

He came over Sunday night after an "interesting Halloween weekend" that involved him throwing up in my friend's car on Friday (I had a bag ready) and then not being invited to hang out with me on Saturday when I "needed roommate time," but really I needed Halloween slut time.

I asked him what's on his mind and he responded with, "where is this going... sometimes I feel like you want me in your life, sometimes you don't." I told him that I don't have any feelings for him, but I just wanted to take it slow and give it a shot. He asked again, "is it because you're not ready for a relationship or...." I repeated, I don't have any feelings. With that he left, grabbed his shirt that I borrowed and headed for the door after "getting the last word:"

"I should have seen this coming." He mumbled. He was really sad. I felt really bad. "I guess we won't be seeing each other," he stated.

"what do you mean? I still wanna hang out with you." I was looking forward to going skiing.
"Well.. if that's what you want to be is just friends..." and he dragged his feet to his car and I locked the gate.

==

I've never been in this sort of situation. I've been in his spot plenty of times, but it's rare for me to be so casual, so aloof, so unclear of my intentions, so assuming until I actually hurt someone. I care about him, but not like that and I just feel terrible.

I should have avoided this painful death by saying something sooner- being straight up is ALWAYS appreciated.

But now I understand what it's like to be "the other guy" and I have become that other guy: difficult to read, uncommitted, selfish, and undesiring of anything serious... disgusted by people who ache about the idea of love.. blah blah blah.

I feel like I have become the other guy who dates around, steps on people, feels good about himself and reassures himself that he's doing nothing wrong while juggling feelings and shots of stoli... and not saying anything until things get out of hand.

Or simply put, I have become that guy that isn't ready for anything serious, who doesn't desire a boyfriend, commitment... but rather just a good time with good people and good food. I'm only 24 and I don't feel like settling. But no one would be interested if they knew that, but no one would get hurt at the same time.

I Officially Have a Crazy

Got this in my inbox today from Crazy Aquarius.
I love attention, but really?





I know he reads this blog because it's easy to stalk me. So... if you're reading this. SLOW YOUR ROLL YOU CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though, it's flattering.

--

Maybe I egg him on, because I call him. I like his laugh, he's funny and sweet... and suffocating and it's refreshing because I'm an attention whore, but ... I don't want to have a police case on my hands if I tell him I'm not interested in serious things right now.

Am I getting myself into some deep shit?

===

Multiple identities - It's hard to keep everything seperate.

I removed everything "letopho" from my facebook. Facebook is for the general public because it's linked to work and classmates and my "real-ish" name. Letopho has become a more private domain, though many folks have access to it.

I've decided that letopho will also be seperate from people I potentially date. I'm going to give out my work AIM when I chat with people I'm interested in so that I can blog about them using Letopho. But I shouldn't be so paranoid, not everyone is a master stalker like me... wait.. SHIT!

At a Good Pace.

Three dates, in Gay Time... we are have been dating for a month.
After three dates, I've established that we are going at warp speed. I think it's a gay thing to rush into something... but it's also a gay thing to be uncommunicative and noncommittal. Maybe it's not a gay thing, but rather... a guy thing... and the formal is a girl thing? But these are just my own notions of how particular genders are supposed to behave... Yada yada.

Needless Infatuation of Meat Heads
We spent a day at the beach together and he taught me how to boogy board properly at Huntington Beach. Huntington Beach is loaded with guys with beautiful bodies. He seemed to be obsessed particularly with White guys with hot bodies, I stubbornly suggested that there is nothing interesting about someone so vanilla. And this infatuation with white dudes obviously makes him feel inadequate as a short Asian man who will never be as "beautiful and blond."

He agreed, in a way, and told me about a time he tried to talk to one of them and had a hard time extracting substance. What I'm trying to say is that- sure it's nice to look at: beef cake maddness, but I think cute face/personality trumps hot body and douchey white boys from the OC who are "hot" on the outside won't do it for me baby. I'm over feeling inadequate because I don't have an overrated six pack (says the fat kid who keeps eating out). Plus.. their large muscley bodies would consume mine... no thank you, I'd like to fit into your arms properly and not feel like something you can just put in your pocket.

Pudge is the new Six Pack.

Sleeping Over
The other night at 12:30am, he abruptly got out of my bed and said, "I'm sorry, I need to sleep in my own bed." Slightly offended, I didn't try to keep him. Compared to my modest lifestyle in a poorly insulated attic, his catalogue style furnished apartment looks like a model home with a immaculate bed with throw pillows. Why WOULD you sleep anywhere else? His defense, "I guess I'm not used to sleep over at other boys' place" was a nice recovery.

So, I slept over at his place last night and he told me that he slept better with me there in his extravagant bed that has a boxspring among other things that I wouldn't put money on.

I've made him selfconscious about the way he swallows my face whole when I go for a kiss. His kiss became unnatural to appease me (which I hated), but eventually, we found a compromise- I realize should have happened naturally.

Checking Others Out
The night before we were at a club and I asked him if he was checking out any guys, he said yes and told me that he felt bad... as if he wasn't allowed to check out anyone else while around me. Poppycock! I responded, "you shouldn't feel bad, you should point them out and we can check them out together." Once again, honesty is the sexiest thing you can offer me. But of course, the guys he selected where white with uninteresting features and ho hum mannerisms. God, give me some color. It makes me wonder if he's really attracted to me.

What I like
He told me that it's important that he dated someone who loves the beach. I raised my hand in excitement. "That's Me!" He invited me over sometime this week so that he can cook me dinner. "I'll be there!" And he told me that he had a really good weekend with me. He asked me what we were very slickly in conversation and I responded, "We're dating...er... seeing each other??? talking... something non-committed." He smiled.... and was surprisingly satisfied with that answer. I think I'm scared of investing all of myself, but he's been the only guy that's kept my interest.

Third date does not equal third base. I'd like to put the breaks on that and cruise for a while... I like him. This is a good steady pace.