LoveWins

I've decided that it's time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I announced this decision on Facebook and received so much support especially from my older cousins; maybe because I expressed how difficult it felt to do.  I could hear Joe in my head saying, what have you been waiting for?  The answer is that it just never felt right... until now.

Right at this moment, the spirit of love has finally overshadowed all the wrong in the world currently. That right now people are celebrating, people are happy, people are TALKING about gay rights.    People are thinking... "oh maybe this is a good thing."  Right now feels just right.

I just turned 30.  I can get married.  And I don't want to continue to be silent anymore about such a large piece of my life.  I'm not scared of my dad disowning me.  The other day we got into a small argument and resolved it by saying that that we love each other unconditionally.

I was jealous of my lesbian coworker whose mom called her when she heard the news about gay marriage.  I wanted that call...  I was hoping for a call, but my dad liking the new profile picture of me holding a rainbow flag is the best I could ask for.  And it's a perfect starting point.

It's time to put it into words, but how do you say it?  How do you stop from crying?  How do you say, "dad, I'm gay... I know you love me regardless, but this is who I am and one day I'll be okay not being the son that I think you want me to be."

So this is how it's going to happen - My parents are coming to Los Angeles this 4th of July weekend to visit me after I gave them a guilt trip.  I'm putting them in an AirBnB and picked the restaurants.  I bought tickets to a fireworks show at Hollywood Bowl and in between acts I will say, "Dad... I noticed that you liked my profile picture... I'm going to get married one day and I hope you're okay with that."

And... then who knows what he'll say, but I hope that the warm LA night and light from the fireworks will help make this moment feel positive... because it is.

I told my coworker my plan and she started tearing up.  I was surprised that she was so empathetic.  How is it possibly for a straight person to understand the emotions of coming out to their parents.  But then I realize that people are willing to listen, understand and support their LGBT friends and family.  And because of this we're not alone anymore because we have visibility.

Dad, I'm here.  I'm Queer.  And you already know that...  but now we can talk about it.

Will You Still be Proud of Me?

Back in October I printed out two pictures for my cubical.  A picture of my parents from when they were in Europe and a picture of me and Jimmy during Chinatown Summernights.

I noticed that most people had pictures of people they loved to personalize their space; siblings, offspring, significant others.  My space was personalized by work thank you cards, work trinkets from coworkers who came back from vacation and tupperware for catered lunch leftovers.

I wondered to myself why I didn't do this sooner.  I'm completely gay at work; I've gone gay clubbing with my manager.  Why don't I put up photographs to remind myself who makes me happy which includes my boyfriend of 3 years.  And it helps with storytelling - I can simply point to these pictures when I describe a weekend with Jimmy or a phone call with my mom.

===

I'm on my parent's phone plan, but I help pay for my data.  My mom automatically withdraws $50 from my account and texts me, "took $50 this month" just to let me know.

One day I told her, "why don't you take $100?"
"No, Son, that's your money."
"I insist... I can afford to help you."
"Thank you so much.  Okay.  I'll take $100"

Later that week while talking to her in heavy LA traffic she told me that my dad was upset.

"Why would you take money from Christopher!?!"  She quoted my dad.  I laughed. I told her that I wanted to help and I'm not doing anything with the cash so she should take it.

Her response was surprising, "that means a lot to us... it really shows me that you care about your mom and dad and it's so valuable." To me... I was just handing money aside because I didn't need it... to my mom it represented a lot more and I felt so silly for never offering until just last year.

I felt like she was really proud of me and I did something right without intentionally trying. It was a wonderful feeling.

==

Over Christmas break my mom asked if all of my cousins knew "about me."  Instead of "gay" should would replace the word/idea with... "about me" or "like you."  For instance, "are all your friends 'like you?'"  Or "you should keep that part 'about you' to yourself."  As if there was something "about me" that could not be described or understood... that piece of me was not normal.

I confirmed with her that all of my cousins knew "about me" and I used that as opportunity to ask about my dad.

I asked my mom, "does Dad know 'about me'?"
"Yes."
"How"
"Facebook."

I tried to think how Facebook outed me... I remembered that my public profile picture was of me and Jimmy with a giant heart around it during the Prop 8 dance.  When I posted it, I didn't care.  But I guess my Dad saw it.

"So should I talk to Dad about it?"
"No.. give it time, he's really sad... but of course he still loves you, but he's sad... don't be too obvious on facebook"

I nodded like I understood that I needed to be sensitive.  After that conversation, I felt as if I finally came out to my dad without really coming out to him.  The giant pink elephant in the room has a boyfriend... and all assumptions are now a reality... but there's still silence.  And I accepted that time will make things better and I can talk to him... eventually.  I enjoyed that facebook did the work for me.

===

I talked to Joe about this... once again while I was in thick LA traffic and he gave me some perspective.  He intentionally and proudly sealed the deal on his coming out movement with a facebook profile picture captioned, "Answer: Yup" on national coming out day.  He had been out to his parents for years already and couldn't understand why I wasn't since I know for a fact my parents would still love me.

He said something along the lines of how time will not heal... and it would beneficial to talk to my dad immediately so that the time in silence would instead be used as time to accept that being gay is actually not abnormal.  I can show my dad that being gay is wonderful and that I'm really happy with my lifestyle and because of this he shouldn't be ashamed, embarrassed or sad.

.....however....

If I told my dad today he will nod his head and simply say, "I know and I still love you."  Which is where most successful coming out to parents stories end.  But I dream of the day where my parents say that they are proud of me; every single thing "about me."  

Did I turn out to be everything you hoped and dreamed for? Am I the person that you would proudly show off to others?  If you passed away, would you be happy with the legacy that you created?

If I told you I was gay would you still love me be proud of me?
I don't think you would; which makes coming out impossible.

Pink Elephant in the Room

"You shouldn't use the word 'friend' so lightly."

After getting over how attractive the actors are in this clip, this short for the 2012 10th Annual Taiwan LGBT Pride really resonated with me.  Though I'm more out to my family than Jimmy, I feel very much like Andy from this short.

A response to this video read, "I wish it was that easy."   No matter how accepting your family is there's still a coming out that you need to do to yourself.  At times I still feel ashamed.  Regardless of having many gay friends, doing gay things and basically spewing rainbows from all pores of my body - I don't feel, or will ever feel "normal" per se.

I'm feeling it now with really straight coworkers who talk about ex girlfriends.  They politely avoid asking me because I haven't made it clear that I was comfortable talking about my personal life.  In fact, it was so obvious when a coworker went around the table asking everyone who they were dating at a lunch.  When they finally got to me, they asked, "Are you still in Echo Park?"  Anyone who was paying attention would have noticed.  Polite/Considerate is the only description I can give to what happened.

The issue is - I do not want to impose/share my "unique" lifestyle on to them.  Much like being a pro-choice liberal lost in the deep south or conservative Republican in the Castro - you are silenced because you know that your beliefs, values cannot be shared by the majority that surrounds you.  It's like when you step out of your circle of like-minded individuals, you have a hard time connecting, relating... talking in general and you find it difficult/rude to insert yourself when you don't fit in.  So I'm silent.

Silent to my straight coworkers, silent to my family and the picture of me and Jimmy that sits so obviously on the homepage of my phone is just an image of me and my "friend" standing very close to me.  We can talk about something else that everyone can understand like food.

...and because of that, I feel like coming completely out to my family would not do any good.  Because the issues, feelings and events in my life will never be understood and I'm only asked for a brief moment out of courtesy.  They will never understand... would identifying the big pink elephant in the room improve the quality of my life?

And that's my problem...  it's a lack of pride in my gay beliefs, my gay values, my gay identity.  Walking shirtless at pride means nothing if I'm still telling my parents that I'm going "out" instead of going to a gay event...

...but at the same time I can't expect that all of a sudden I can share everything that I'm thinking feeling doing to every last detail 100% after coming out. Rather, when the giant pink elephant in the room (which at this point is taking up all the available space that no one can see anything else) deflates, I will no longer have to lie or be ashamed.

Fuck.  I can only imagine the amount of tears I would be in talking to my dad who comments all over my uncensored facebook.  At that point I would have finally come to terms with wanting to tell my dad how I love... knowing that he would hug me and tell me that he loves me because he had many years to prepare himself as the elephant kept growing ever since he found gay porn on my computer when I was 12.

I've procrastinated so long and just want my dad to come to me; like in the video.  But... it really isn't that easy is it?  Taiwan, you paint such a pretty picture, taking a different angle to coming out that puts me on edge.