Oh Western Medicine.

My doctor prescribed me accutane without knowing what that entailed.
(Accutane is THE Acne solution, but word on the playground is that it fucks up your liver and causes intense depression...)

"So Doxycycline didn't work?"
"Nope."

He made a pouty face as if he was in elementary school.

"I wanted to know your thoughts on accutane."
"I was just going to say something like that."

The doctor pulls out a book and reads to me the facts about accutane, which I could have read myself. "Stomach pains, dizziness, depression... suicidal thoughts... if that happens your friends would probably give me a call huh?" I chuckled... it was nice that he was lighthearted.

"Are you planning on getting pregnant?" My doctor has weird uncle humor.
"Nope!"
"Hmmm it says twice a day... doesn't say when."
"So.. breakfast and dinner?"
"Sounds good! Breakfast of champions!!" I think my doctor was on something.

"Alright!" He estimates how many milligrams I'm supposed to take based on my weight and does the math on a pad.
"Okay.. anything thing else?"
"Um... am I supposed to have monthly blood tests?"
He ponders for a second, "ooooo yes.. good idea." And he writes me a blood test slip to take a month later.

"So... um how much alcohol can I consume while on accutane?"
"Just don't go over board" He winks at me.
"So.. one drink."
"Two." He whispers while showing me two fingers and a creepy smile.

==

I went to the pharmacy.
"Did your doctor register you for the accutane program?"
"no... he just gave me this prescription."
"yeah... you need to enroll in a program and sign all these forms... you need to be more aware of the risks. Please call your doctor.

==

So apparently, my doctor hasn't prescribed Accutane "in a very long time." But I'm thinking he never prescribed it in his life. I was excited to bypass all the dermatology bullshit because it takes a month to even get an appointment... but... I guess the wait is worth not almost getting killed by malpractice.

Oh Western Medicine.

====

Joe keeps reminding me: When you're on accutane, you're going to be over analyzing everything. "why isn't he calling?! Why didn't they invite me?!? Why did he look at me like that?!?!?!" When he said this, I commented... so I guess most Gays are Already ON accutane..... DAHHH RAHHH MAAAA!!!!!!!!!! =.=

When You Are Constantly Reminded.

I sat down to eat with my parents and their friends. And almost immediately, this woman erupted about how ACCUTANE saved her life. BLAH blah blah. How the side effects they talk about are crap because why would be depressed if your skin looks good. BLAH BLAH.

Oh and my Hairdresser also gave me some skin tips that I didn't ask for while cutting a hole in my hair.

Like... I don't let my acne keep me from going out, from being social, from flirting... but this is just ridiculous.

SO.. Accutane, let's give you a try. I hope I don't get suicidal.

==

*edit*

I sort of want to keep my acne... to sort of test people ... and to meet folks who are more interested in other things rather than being fixated on my skin.

Joe just called me and warned me about the emotional roller coaster that I would be riding. Hmmm... I'm going to take this as a challenge and see how much in control, I believe myself to be.

February Recap

Ugh. This month without Szeto has been rainy and nasty.

I haven't been very inspired this month... and equally, I haven't been doing much.
I feel as though I am quite bored with everything right now and I'm just wasting away being so unmotivated.

Feb 1. Szeto takes the opportunity to work abroad, that lucky bitch.



Feb. 6. Madeline in town. We catch up and she gives me some of her CHEESE BUNS! YUMMY!
Such a tradition!


Feb. 14 Weekend in San Diego.
Woot

I love this idea: You bring your friends and I bring my friends and we can all be friends... and sing karaoke. Yes, and we're all gay. Perfect.

Feb.19 - Visited Berkeley

I crashed with JV. The next day I gave him a call, "I have shingles, burn your sheets." Oops. And I LOVE Christine's hair. She lets others cut her hair because she feels it's very intimate. She loves her co-op because they are so touchy-feely. I am a touchy person as well. I feel like the human touch is very valuable should not be so reserved.

Feb. 21 - Clam Chowder Cookoff in Santa Cruz!!! :D I loved it! For 8 bucks we got to sample and rate clam chowders. You really get to appreciate what "good" food is when you are allowed to compare side by side. To me, great clam chowder is creamy!




...

And then I got shingles.

==============

I hung out with this random guy I met on the web. (Cuz I'm gay and that's how gay people stereotypically make friends.) We met up at inNout for a snack. This guy was so self conscious about his acne. (Though it was very severe). He told me that he was afraid that I would stop talking to him because his acne was "so scary."

No... I wouldn't stop talking to him because of his acne. I would stop talking to him because he was a fob. (jk). I told him that he shouldn't even deal with people who can't look passed his skin problems. I felt for the guy because I too am self conscious about my skin...

But for people who never had to deal with skin problems they really can't understand the insecurities; they poke fun without realizing how much it really damages someone.

He seemed to appreciate my understanding. And I found him to be more attractive than a lot of gay bitches who are so full of themselves, so in love with themselves... their "confidence" that proves to be cover for unknown insecurities is so much uglier than someone who can't hide from severe acne.

I feel like when I know about someone's insecurity, I know who they actually are. HmmMmm.

Letting My Skin Breathe

Okay.
Well.

I broke out a lot. NO, NOT BECAUSE OF THE NACHOS... =.=

But I am retiring the products for confident black women and switching to Biore.

I HATE throwing away products. (I use toothpaste to the very last drop!) So I posted the left over, 1 year old products on craistlist saying: Free Acne stuff that didn't work for me, maybe it'll work for you - Use at Own Risk. I got responses for 8 different folks in one hour!

I know, right!?!

==

It feels good to let my skin breath- buy NEW products and continue to start the year fresh.
And I'm glad I just didn't throw it away... I may be helping out someone else!

POST YOUR OLD ACNE STUFF!!!

Skin Update in Vietnam

I was gChatting with someone I thought was really cute.

They told me that they should be in bed because they're breaking out. I respond with offbeat humor, " don't worry, ive come to realize that bad skin is just another trait that people judge you with like.. bad teeth, bad fashion or bad hair."

And they became really self conscious, "YOU DONT UNDERSTAND!!!! I HAVE TERRIBLE SKIN!!!"
"do you think you have worse skin than me?"
"you don't have bad skin... trust me, no one has skin as bad as me."

I was taken back because I never noticed his skin. Mony always said to me, "no one notices Chris... stop caring so much.." Which I have.. I have been caring less, but in Vietnam my aunt always tell me RIGHT before i eat something if it will make me break out or not.

"You want to eat Top Ramen? That'll make you break out."
"Here, eat this fruit, it'll help your skin"
"Don't eat too much of that meat, you'll break out for sure!"

RIGHT before I eat it... !!

Thanks to my aunt I can classify foods into two food groups: makes me break out, clears my skin.

Thanks to her and my other blunt family members who say, "if you didn't have ugly skin you'd be very handsome!" or "did this happen when you got here or back in the states?" As she rubs my face.

I'm wondering if my bad skin is the reason that no local Vietnamese boys try to make conversation with me at Lush, the Vietnam Dragon, sort of. Though one boy did smile at me... but I didn't know what to say. I'm considering flirting with boys I see at the pool wearing sexy tight trunk suits... wow, lots of muscles. Especially when they know how to swim the butterfly... yummy.

I was considering skin treatment in Vietnam because it's so cheap, but I began to day dream about all the things that can go wrong.... like with shady equipment with Melamine in it.

So I'll just hold off, but I must say that my skin is doing great. I dont know if it's because I'm in Vietnam, because I'm on a normal sleeping schedule or because it's Oct-Nov (the period when I usually have really good skin.)

Skin Update

Nothing...
Same bad skin.

But as time passes, I care less. And it seems to be the best cure for my acne. To not care especially when there are more important things to worry about.
Celebrities have bad skin too!

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/27688527.html

HAIRCHIVE!

The Crab Grass

skiniD

A new skin product line?! NO WAY!

This one attracted me because they "customize" your treatment based on this survey that determines your skin type and life style.

http://www.skinid.com/

Oily, stressed, 8 hours of sleep etc. They determined that I needed product 14, 32, 72 and dish out 40 bucks.


Then MoAny went up. And his lifestyle was a little different. To my disgust, it was the SAME treatment recommended. We decided to do an experiment and input characteristics that were completely opposite: dry skin, rarely break out etc. And the treatment was once again the same, but with a different moisturizer.

Apparently it was more of a market study than a new way of skin care! Gah, I was so angry! But the survey was fun. The flash made it interesting and painless to take! You try and tell me if your results were the same as mine. Thanks Neutrogena for tricking me into participating in your skin study.

Life's Kicking My Ass; I Retaliate

It was very difficult to wake up this morning.

Last night I focused on trying to get my life together. And it started with cleaning my room. I thought about Damien and MoAny and the VP sales who all believe that clutter holds us back. I examined my room and found that, clutter was what had become my definition.

I bought a container for my scrapbooking materials so I don't have scraps on the floor and stored it. I put stuffed animals in a shoe box because they never really served as decorating purposes, but rather as sentimental childish feelings that belong in a closet. I found magazines and put them in the bathroom because that's the only way they'll get read. I made a file for "body care" and filed images of cool hair, dermatologist appointments and better living documents under my desk.

(My skin is looking great, in my opinion now that I'm using black people skin products! Also, looking in the mirror a lot less helps too and washing my face before I put on my contacts. I have flawless skin with my nearly blind vision.)

I made my bed, cleared my desk and went to the gym. I did some cardio and abs. When I got home I showered and examined myself in the mirror, shirtless. Not too bad. My body is resilient. Eat eat eat, work out once... back to normal. But I've been eating substantially less portions. Food no longer excites me... I have become picky with food and boys.

It's interesting how I let projects linger.
Like an unfinished painting, my life has become just that.
MoAny bought me frames and a shelf for me to decorate my room and the materials have been hiding under my bed and desk for months. I know what needs to be done, but something keeps me from proceeding.

I must overcome this obstacle. I must become something that I am proud of... Nick (who is going to NY to persue his dream at a culinary school), in a drunk state reminded me that I was meant to do great things. And that I just need to find that place where I belong and complete that piece of me. I have the tools... I should get to work. And it starts with putting pictures on my wall before the materials that were handed to me gather too much dust.

I am a Strong Woman of Color!!

I've been keeping a skin journal and it's helped me understand my "unique skin."
I draw little diagrams and write down detailed explanations of my skin related activities; it's cute, really.

These are my conclusions after a month and a half:
-ProActiv helps, but it isn't the solution because I stopped using it for 4 weeks and haven't suffered.
-Hydroquinone, the active ingredient in almost ALL Scar fading products, does nothing.
-Sulfur Mask + Other products = Intense break out
-Falling asleep without washing face = fatal facial consequences
-I am required to use some form or RetinA at night
-Moisturizer helps a lot!
-I think I may have sensitive skin

You may say, why don't I just take pictures of my skin? Well, I do... I compare pictures from my monthly gay clubbing outings at Dragon because it's in the same lighting and same time of day. It's brilliant really. My skin's been improving slightly, but I'm still scared. What's going on? I still have that heart on my cheek and the marks are just piling up! Is there no solution!?!

June 07, November 07, December 07, February 08

I've talked to a handful of friends whose skin have impressed me and discovered that they all use St Ives Apricot scrub. Ironically, the cheapest shit possible is the most popular among my friends who exhibit pure skin perfection. I used that shit throughout college and it was a bit harsh on my skin, but maybe because I was scrubbing it as if I was pissed at the world. Plus they have a new gentle formula. Hmm

My mom has been getting on my case to try Eskinol. It's a Pilipino product that her friend recommends. According to my mom, I need to buy over the counter Clindamycin capsules, break them open and mix it with the Eskinol. I can find this at Lion Plaza. I'm like HELL NO. But my mom keeps mentioning it. Sigh. Every day I start my morning with Hot water... isn't that enough?!

Mony and I found this new product line at Walgreens called AMBI.
Mony bought this fading cream with little hesitation and I did some Internet research at home and found that it's skincare for Women of COLOR!!

OMG! THAT'S ME!
Provides Women of African, Latin, and South Heritage scientifically proven solutions to meet their unique skincare needs... wait a minute... THEY MISSPELLED SKINCARE! Hmm.. maybe this isn't such a great idea.

Anyway. Maybe that's my problem! I've been going to Supercuts when I should be going to Forever Cut 2, I've been drinking coffee when I should be drinking tea! I've been using white people skin care when I should be using Women of Color Skin Care! OMG!!!

AMBI® recognizes that women of African, Latin and South Asian heritage often face unique skincare challenges in keeping their skin clear and even toned due to the melanin in their skin. Melanin is a natural substance that gives color or pigment to skin and gives skin its rich, beautiful tone. However, melanin also may make skin more vulnerable to marks and uneven tone. Therefore, it is important for women with rich skin tones to have products that have been designed specifically to keep their skin clear and even toned.

MELANIN! DUH!!! DARK PIGMENTATION! DUH! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!!!
The answers: right in front of me. I am a strong woman of color and I need to use skin products that meet my woman of color needs! Finally, a product that understands my unique lifestyle! Man, I'm ready to feel all sorts of powerful!

Wish me luck! I'll tell you if my skin becomes as clear and even as Cleopatra!!

Love the Skin You're In

But what if your skin looks like shit?

Haha.

Well, I have this picture labeled: WOW and I like to look at it because it makes me feel better about myself now. It was taken on June 2007 and I wish I could rip it up and do some sort of ad campaign for some miracle cream, but I can't.

It's been over six months and there hasn't been much improvement, even with "professional treatment"... well, the texture is better... but it's still red.. and scarred. (That's my skin update if you were curious. LOL). For now, I'm going to keep a log to understand what works. I've been upgraded to Minocycline and Tazarac (which are stronger forms of Doxycycline and Differin). And continue Proactiv... Woot.

I'm impressed that I haven't talked about my skin in a while. I guess I finally asked myself, how can someone be so vein as to care about what they look like so much? There's so much more to life and other things to be concerned with!!!!

Well, I guess that's easy to say when your face isn't bleeding every morning...

I showed my dad this picture.. and he responded... "that's you? ... christopher... I'm sorry." Like it's his fault... well.. it is genetic.

:p It's okay, it's just a flaw..... and flaws are just a part of life... Someone once told me that my acne was endearing. Heh. YAY.

Monday Observations

I took the morning off to back up my dying laptop and burn a playlist.
I started dancing as if I were on Youtube to Ciara, Rihanna, Cassie, and Christina Milian. I realized that I like my Mondays that start one hour later! I really like the CD I made for my car. It includes songs by saucy black girls that make you want to dance like: SOS, Dip it Low, Lose My Breath,1, 2 Step etc.

I had a dermatologist appointment and got a shit load of chemicals to put on my face:
Proactiv: Facewash, I'm just going to try it. Why not.
Benzaclin: External bacteria figher
Doxycycline: Internal bacteria fighter
Hydroquine One: Skin bleaching for scars

Don't for get the sunscreen and oil blotters.

A full skin regime. I was going to put up some pictures so you guys can see the progression, but I decided just to post more attractive pictures of myself. You can see the nasty in person. I know I'm supposed to get better by Dec. otherwise, I would do something more drastic. But, I'm just going to be patient. January 2 is the new due date and by then, I'll post some nice "after" pictures.

I've been having weird dreams lately. The other day I dreamt I was sparring, and I was REALLY good. Today,... shit, it just forgot, but it was also interesting. I think I was having an argument, and I was good. I must be having inner turmoil or something. Damn it, I was supposed to write it down. I have a dream notebook, but I haven't been updating it.

Tomorrow, I'm going to try swimming in the morning at 7AM, wish me luck! I got a hot new speedo that actually fits and can't wait to wear it. HAHAH.

While waiting for my medication I noticed some ugly babies. I realize that not all babies are cute. In fact, some are hideous. Like the ones at Kaiser. They already looked like old men. While I was waiting for one hour, one of the kids was drinking milk out of the bottle and he had his pinky finger up. OMG, already he was snooty! Then he dropped the bottle behind someone and I debated in my head whether to pick it up or not. If I didnt, that man would have a nasty spill.. Okay, why not? I should be nice. I wonder how badly that guy would have fallen.

November looks like it's going to be a dull month. Monyrith got a job with odd hours so the chilling will start to decrease. Though I'm looking forward to the VSA Fall Showcase! Woot.

Tonight I'm going to dismantle my 2 year old Dell 700m to see if I could fix the loud cooling fan that's fucking up my computer. Wish me luck.

General Updates

I've been asked, "hows life?" And I realize that it's almost the end of October and I have nothing interesting to say, but here are a couple of updates.

My skin is getting a little better, but it doesn't seem like it will be perfect by December; which was my goal. It doesn't heal at all and I can note every mark on my face from break outs dating back two years ago. I don't know why it's on my mind so much since my "personality shines above it." I don't know. I just get sad when I look in the mirror.

The VP of my company told me that in December, I will be helping with some accounts in Korea and Europe! Score! Maybe I'll stay here longer than I intend to, especially since it's easy and I get paid pretty well for the type of work that I do. I know I have potential to do better, but maybe I should focus on being the best at this small company first. Also, we are moving to an office that's closer to my house! No more phone conversations in traffic :(

This week, I've worked out everyday. I've even gone with my mom. I no longer need to show my id because the boys recognize me. *giggle* I love meeting up with Jane and talking about our lame ass lives. How she gets hit on and how I almost get hit on. How women can get anything and how gays are shady. Imagine two hens on the elliptical that won't stop squawking for thirty minutes. That's us. I felt sort of proud of my body, until someone said, "I can tell when you stood up [that you're not that fit to show off]." ... ironic.

My brother's been picking up the pace! He raised his grades and declared that he wants to go to college. I sat him down and said, "look, I think I've been putting too much pressure on you. People go to college at different times, and you need to be ready for it and want it for yourself. Not for me, or mom or dad. It's your choice." He responds that college is indeed something that he wants to do. Yesterday, he showed off the notes he took.

He comes to my room from time to time with nothing to say. He just visits me, asks me what I'm doing and leaves. "Oh reading blogs," I say. Of course, I was reading gay porn blogs, but he knocks so I can hide that. He's growing up a little more and that makes everyone happier. I also told him to be nicer to mom and dad. "Why do you have to make life so difficult? I don't want to come home to find everyone pissed at each other. I'd rather go back to work." He smiles. "You have to play the game, make the right decisions now and everyone will be happy. So take a chill pill dude. Stop being so rude." He acknowledges me. My parents are grateful. I tell them they're fools. Just kidding. But honestly, they don't know how to take control. When he's rude, you have to be playful, "oh hello McRude, are you hungry?" Just be light hearted, understand that he's rude and don't let it affect you. And don't be so dumb, "oh can I go on the Internet? I have math homework." Come on ppl.

Now for some cartoons:

More: http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/

Better Living

I've been reflecting on things I want to improve about myself. And I've been doing an okay job.
Here are couple of things that I want to correct:

1. Skin - working on that, but the goal is by December. Any product recommendation for scarring?

2. Posture - I went to the VSA DVD screening and after watching myself I noticed that I have HORRIBLE posture! It worked for my character, but it looked so awful. I seem to slump my shoulders. But I'm trying to fix that by slapping my face and telling people to remind me stand straight.

3. Water - I love soda, this is really hard. I'm trying to drink the recommended 8 cups, but geez, that's a lot of water.

4. Teeth - I bought ACT that supposedly rebuilds enamel and I've been trying to wear my retainer, but I think I need my retainer adjusted. Too bad I am responsible for my own insurance now. BAH.

5. Money - After talking to everyone, I've got my first credit cards to build my credit and opened a savings with decent APY. Now I need to work on my IRA.

6. Career - Now that I'm here, I realize that this isn't what I want to do, but I'm stuck here for a year to save money and build my resume. I guess that's fair. And I'm enjoying my new San Jose life. :D. But new chapters await me.

7. Outlet - I realize that I'm an okay actor, an okay singer, an okay dancer. What makes me strong is that I do it. I don't get discouraged when I'm not the best. Well, I do, but I don't quit. And right now I need some sort of creative outlets, but I don't know where or how. I'm working on it, but it's really difficult post graduating. Maybe something at a community college? Volunteering? I don't want to mentor or tutor, because I should focus on my brother.

8. Fitness - Jane is a great gym buddy. Lately, she's been calling me to work out with her and she pushes me. I usually do 20 min on the elliptical, she made me do 40. 25lb weights? She tells me I can do 30! And we jabber on about our days so working out isn't painful. I'm working on my abs, chest, shoulder, back, and biceps so that I can be shirtless in public.

9. Diet - My metabolism is fucked up. They called me the human garbage disposal because I would eat anything. I hate wasting food! But now, if I eat a chip I can see a triangle raise on my side. Yuck. But I found these tips:

Here are 11 tips to help you boost your metabolism:
1.Build lean body mass. As we age our bodies metabolism or ability to burn calories decreases. One way to offset this problem is by exercising. Lean muscle burns calories and the more you have the more calories you burn, even while resting. You can build muscle through resistance or weight training at least twice a week. You can also boost your metabolism by doing cardio exercises. You can choose to do this between or in conjunction with weight training. Simply going for a walk or using the stairs instead of the elevator are good ways to get in an aerobic workout.

2.Eat Breakfast. Many people ignore eating breakfast. What they don't realize is that it's the most important meal of the day. Breakfast gives your metabolism a boost and provides a consistent energy supply throughout the day. The majority of people who eat a healthy breakfast have fewer weight and health issues than those who don't.

3.Sugar is bad. Processed and refined sugar such as found in sweets and soft drinks overload the body with sugar causing many serious health issues including obesity and diabetes. Complex carbohydrates are a better energy source because they supply an even level of blood sugar. The human body just isn't built to deal with the large amounts of refined sugar most people include in their diet.

4.Spicy foods that make you sweat can help boost your metabolism.

5.Get a good night's sleep. There is research that shows that people who do not get sufficient sleep tend to gain weight. This may be because the body uses sleep to heal and regenerate itself, including its muscular system.

6.Drink more water. Water is the lubricant of the body. It also flushes toxins out of the body and keeps the kidneys operating at maximum efficiency. This allows the liver more time to do what it does best, metabolize fat stores.

7.Eat small meals. Eat 5 to 6 small meals per day spaced 20 to 3 hours apart. This gives the body a steady supply of energy and prevents binge eating.

8.Don't miss meals. Skipping meals in order to loose weight is counter productive because it actually slow metabolism and can lead to over eating.

9.Plan your meals. If you have a daily or weekly menu you are much more likely to stick to your plan.

10.Drink green tea. Green tea has been shown to boost metabolism and unlike coffee does not stress the body with caffeine.

11.Include more high energy foods in your diet including fruits, vegetables and whole grains. These provide a more balanced energy source and will not cause blood sugar spikes.Boosting your metabolism can be done if you are dedicated to doing it. This does not mean you need to stress over each little thing but if you eat right and exercise you should see a decrease in body fat and a much more energetic and happy you.

Gemini Traits
Adaptable and versatile
Communicative and witty
Intellectual and eloquent
Youthful and lively
Nervous and tense
Superficial and inconsistent
Cunning and inquisitive

Moany said I was the wittiest person he knows right now. Am I really? His defintion is being quick and to able to think on my feet. Nice. I think cunning wit is important. The ones I agree with are in green.

Another Entry about My Skin...

Digital Camera's are usually nice to me.
So if you've never met me or haven't seen me in years, you wouldn't know that I have severe scarring on my face.

My mom told me that when I came home from Berkeley her "mother's heart was pained to see so many marks on my face." (In Vietnamese of course.) When I got a haircut, I told the lady that I enjoyed Bun Bo Hue. She proclaimed, "that's why you have so many pimples, you like spicy food." The stranger meant to make conversation, not to be rude. Sometimes, being honest is good, but maybe pretending that I am worthy of being remembered as attractive will prevent me from thinking that I am worthless. I'm pretty confident, outgoing, you would think that I have more things going for me that I don't let superficial issues bog me down. Please continue to think that about me because that's nice. But I do think about stuff like this because everyone else does.

I remember Christmas when I was given Pore Clarifying Gel as a present. I remember playing Scattegories and someone saying, "Acne medicine? Chris should know ALL about that!"

Every night I yell at myself if I fall asleep without using RetinA as if I were an alcoholic: dependant on a substance that provides momentary hope... or at least covers up dispair for the time being.

....

yuck, what a weakness. please don't let this entry let you think less of me. I have a lot going for me and I have a lot to offer where other's lack. That's enough for people to remember me by. And maybe the only person that let's my scars define me is ... myself. (LOL) If only I could read your mind.

The Night Before Everything

It's 9:00pm and I need to fill up my tank before 11 when the station closes. Tomorrow is my first day at work. And I'm leaving 45 minutes early to anticipate traffic.

Today, I cleaned my room and helped out with the garage sale. Eric Szeto stopped by to say hi and I gave him some comic books for his co-worker. He's always been a good friend. Not just to me, but in general people think very highly of him.

A woman recommended that I take Aloe Vera leaves and rub it on my face. I thanked her for the advice, but got sad because my skin was noticeable to be commented on by a stranger. On my right cheek is a constellation of a heart from old lesions that both Aaron and my mom pointed out. I guess it's cute, but in a not kind of way.

Smyr, Janelle and I headed over to Smyr's new apartment. As he was giving me the tour, I wondered if I had made the right decision. I could see myself living with him. Hanging out after a rough day at work and barely making enough money for our savings because the rent was so high. But that didn't matter because we were on our own. When I got home I asked my dad if I made the right choice. He said, well... I'm always welcomed at home and I can use that extra money to buy a car that I liked. I guess that's cool. I liked his roommate, witty and funny. We talked as if I would be over at his place a lot, but maybe not so much because of work. But I want to be a part of his base group of friends and it seems like Smyr really appreciates me as his friend and that's all I really ask for. Behind my mind, I was hoping his other roommate would die and I could move in in a year. Yeah.. a year.... JK!

I hope I make a sturdy group of San Jose friends, I have a couple of friends here and there, but no group. I'm looking forward to hanging out with Smyr and his roommate, Monyrith, Sean Paul, Jane, Jen and Eric. I'll leave the Berkeley folk to do their Berkeley thing until culture shows and the occasional party. And I'll leave my close group of high school friends to finish school or develop their new chapters in socal.

I need to iron my pants which are too baggy for me and my shirt which is French style. Good thing my cousin gave me cuff links. I'm also concerned that the shirt won't match the tie Tofu gave me. No worries. I wonder if I'll like this place... I'm already waiting for my first paycheck.

Skin Deep

If you know me, you know that I've been suffering from acne for 6 years. From mild to severe, it seems like my face will always be damaged. And if you know me, you know I obsess about it a lot. It's just hard because it's disease on my face that has become a part of my description of myself: short, funny, big hair, bad skin. I just wish it wasn't true. I am on medication, but I'm not on accutane. That shit ruins your liver and makes you go depressed. I'm not that concerned, I do face the public, but I don't want to encounter people from my past. Reunions and casual meetings with people from my high school or people I've dated are terrifying to me because I don't think I look suitable to be seen. And I untag pictures because some cameras aren't very nice to me, but most are.

You may be thinking that I am so conceited that I am only concerned with my looks. Well, I know your eyes wander and fixate on my latest scar. Children remind me the most of my appearance. I was at Smyr's graduation party and his godson or cousin or whatever sitting next to me declared, "I'm going to call you Dotman! Because of all the dots on your face!" Lovely.

I visited an acclaimed Vietnamese Dermatologist that turned out to be just another rude "skin doctor" prescribing me DoxySomething and benzaclin. It seems to be working. I love hearing, "your skin's getting better." A lot. My mood soars to the highest mountain because it's a great compliment to me. It's funny though, I've been on this pill and only lately did I learn that I was not supposed to take with with antacid or supplements containing zinc, calcium, or magnesium. TOO BAD I've been taking multivitamins in the morning with the pill and TUMS to help my tummy ache at night, which is an antacid. Brilliant.