My 32 Year Old Gay Asian Body

I feel as though everyone has experienced some sort of body dysmorphia / self consciousness in their life.  More now with Instagram hotties getting a shit ton of attention.  I really like this picture above, but I can't stop starring at that gut that rolls over my waist band.. so that means I won't post it on instagram/facebook.

I've once daydreamed that in my 30's I would have an amazingly ripped body that I wouldn't mind showing off.   Or even in my 50s like this Singaporean hottie Chuan Do. But I've shifted my focus to lowering my cholesterol with turmeric and cardio and I'm proud to say that I'm healthy!  I have a goal of losing some weight so that I'm no longer considered overweight for my height based on this random chart below.  But I'm not willing to compromise what brings me joy: delicious food from different places; in moderation.. and small slices of pizza.

Body positivity is important and body obsession makes me roll my eyes.  Folks that are body obsessed seem so one dimensional and empty.  They complain the most about their bodies when they're the most fit in the room and they don't seem to talk about anything interesting. Anyway... I'm being judgey.

I wonder why at times I feel so self conscious about a little belly fat. It seems that being trim, having abs means having a normal gay Asian body.  High metabolism and smooth dolphin bodies seems to be expected.   I keep seeing unsolicited large group photos of trim gay Asian men in my social feeds even though I've unfollowed many vanity profiles.

Do gays-with-abs ONLY hang out with other gays-with-abs?   Is it that ONLY gays-with-abs post large group photos on social media tagging each other multiple times at shirtless parties so that they keep popping up in my feed? Like women's magazines, I'm inundated with... hashtag impossible body goals.  But these aren't photoshopped celebrities.

These are standard gaysians separated by one degree.

If this is what being gaysian means, I'd feel extreme anxiety to keep up.

For a second, DadBod was talked about.  Attractive dads who were busy with family and raising kids.  Their belly fat became charming. But what about the men who can't easily become dads aka - gay men?  Without children to take care of in our 30s it actually seems lazy to not take care of your body because you have the time.  To add to that the gay community completely hijacked what being a daddy means any way.  I am neither definition.

After seeing a couple of pictures from the bonfire I got really self conscious, but just needed to be reminded that it's all in my head.  I was assuming what typical gaysian bodies looked like and started comparing myself to others.  But fuck that. I'm healthy, happy and I planned a kick ass bonfire called "Beached Whales." Come as  you are, we don't give a fuck and you shouldn't either.

Ya'll Left me Alone with a Donut

I've been on this health kick when my results came back and showed that though my overall cholesterol was down, my triclycerides were up.  I couldn't believe it.  This year I had better portion control, salads for lunch, exercise in the morning.  I trimmed down from 161 to 154.  However, I feel like I'm destined to have a heart attack, but Steven reassured me that it's probably genetics.  He reminded me that eggs are actually good for me and what I needed to watch out for was trans and saturated fat, not dietary fat that comes from animal products.  To my joy, I had some nachos to celebrate... but those nachos were on top of french fries... which were cooked in oil with lots of trans and saturated fat.  UGH.

But everyone seems supportive of my effort to get better and live longer.  These numbers HAVE to improve by next year.  Salmon and cheap California avocado more frequently?  No problem.  No taco bell?  Ugh.  I need to go back to my diet mantra "I know what it tastes like, I don't need to eat it."  And MORE exercise - working on it.    The weight goal is to be under 150 pounds because for my height, I am considered overweight according to the doctors.

I'm a cuddly bear on the beach.  

I told Joe that Jimmy deleted Grindr/Jackd because it was making him feel self conscious comparing himself to other guys which I didn't get 100%.  To my surprise Joe responded, "yeah! of course!  Constantly seeing impossible-to-achieve torsos in the gay world would have an affect on you."  And I thought to myself - oh... right, beautiful bodies which I usually glaze pass unless they attached an instagram link #morephotos.

Candipop at The Satellite in Silverlake 

Last night they were giving out free donuts and I grabbed one.  There were 7 of us total and we already had a lot to drink.  I previously bought everyone a round of whiskey which no one verbally thanked me for nor were excited about.  I should have asked instead of assuming because most of us don't want to feel like shit the next day; but I really wanted to share my joy that the week was over.  There should have been drunk hunger, but NO ONE wanted share this delicious treat.  Everyone politely declined, so I just devoured the fucking donut on my own on the dance floor listening to Willa Ford's - I Wanna be Bad.

I thought to myself, do my friends just not like donuts (impossible) or was there some sort of body consciousness tied to the refusal.  No sugar after 6PM or something? Is this donut really destroy that body of yours?  Here I am, talking non-stop about my cholesterol for the past two weeks and I'm like, "fuck this" and eat all of it in great satisfaction.  No guilt. Just freedom.

So what is it about body dysmorphia in the gay community?  Can we blame how the community is frequently exposed to chiseled bodies through media and... grindr / jackd?  Can we blame other gays who seem so fit, but complain the most about how "fat" they are after posting a shirtless pic on instagram while some of us have never exposed our bodies even at the beach?   Is it because having a hot body is like having a good fishing rod when trying to date because that's the only thing that seems to get a response (No Fems, No Fats, No Asians)?  Are we in constant competition with one another that we have to feel bad about ourselves every time we look in the mirror?  I don't know.

What I do know is, ya'll left me alone with that donut and I'm trying to reduce my cholesterol and ya'll be looking at it like the devil even though none of you have health problems (that I know about).  Help a brother out gaysians - you can afford that sugar; you're not going get that bulky man-meat torso anytime soon, lesbehonest.

All I want from my friends is for them to be healthy and not physique obsessed.  And to workout because it makes them feel good not so that they can get affirmations of self worth.   I want to be friends with people, not models and I'm proud to say that most of my friends have VERY average bodies because we are average people....  average people who should have one bite of a donut at midnight in a night club full of people born in the 90s without judgement once in a while.