Platonic, Potential, Can We Please Fuck?

A friend of mine told me that he's slept with about half of his friends.  He puts people in buckets: platonic, potential and can we Please fuck?  I told him that I see all of my friends as platonic and he responded that I might be repressing something and not knowing it.  I know many wonderful attractive guys but I'm never tempted, at least in Los Angeles.  I just want to make friends and grow my Gaysian empire creating a community of good people and a supportive network (born in the 80s).  He pointed to the cute guy in the mailroom.  "You wouldn't mess around with him?"  I responded, "I guess I would, but never really thought about it other than 'hey, he's cute, what's his instagram, let me direct message him and invite him to a party" the end.

It made me wonder, am I repressing something?  I think about being affectionate with friends.  A kiss on the cheek, a head in the lap, a long embrace, a short massage.  Platonic, but still showing that you care for each other.  

How does one put friendships into the potential bucket? I thought about the power of cuddling.  The intimacy, the smell, the touch, the warmth and the time.  Can friends cuddle overnight and still sit in the platonic bucket?  Or does it quickly move to potential? When you stay overnight your guard comes down and like someone with a weak immune system you're vulnerable and likely to catch feels.  I recall "hook up" rules in which people emphasize that they would NEVER sleep over if their intention is nothing more than just loveless sex.  Is it because embracing for a long period of time affects our chemistry and you become attached?  While intertwining your limbs, do you inadvertently intertwine your heart strings?  While feeling someone's breath and listening to their heartbeat, does your soul believe that you're holding someone very important to you?    

Kevin sent me this screen grab of me and his partner Huan (my close friend from elementary school) tangled in bed at the New Years party.  Kevin was massaging my thighs and finding my zones.  He described this picture as me and Huan trying to lure him into some more than friends activity.  But what I see is innocent platonic intimacy between friends at a party.  As this short moment with friends ended, I find myself back home with my partner to embrace overnight allowing our souls to blend and our hearts to beat in sync until he overheats and pushes me away.

True or False: Once a cheater, always a cheater?

False

I think for gay folks in particular we experience a lot when we first come out - first love and sexual exploration. It feels so good to no longer feel alone, but it also feels amazing to get all this attention when you first come out. "New gays," are definitely highly targeted in a community that is exhausted with the same faces that continue to form links with one another. Thus with first love comes first mistake. You don't know what you're doing... understandably. You're young.

Cheating is a mistake, but like falling off a bike the first time you ride it, it's essential in making you the best bicyclist you could possibly be. You know the moves, the speed, the balance for the perfect ride/relationship, but after the fall you understand the pain and what went wrong so that you can avoid it in the future.

But I guess the question really is - do cheaters really learn? I feel that most do. Youngins cheat because they are still learning and growing, but people well integrated in the community cheat because there is a problem with the relationship that they are unable to communicate. With that said, i think a more interesting question is.. WHY do people cheat?

Just because they've cheated in the past doesn't mean that they are destined to never be commited. I give slack to new gays to make mistakes and optomistically believe they have grown from it. (Even though it seems so UNforgivable and ghastly). For folks who find themselves cheating over and over again there is a larger issue at hand. Possibly that they are sex hungry and argue that they are capable of seperating sex from emotion (which lots of gays would agree with.. its like masturbating with a friend.)

So I would say:
Once a sex hungry fiend always a sex hungry fiend. But even that you eventually grow out of.

Give the “cheater” a chance, but protect yourself at the same time (they still may be a sex fiend). Be realistic, mature and understanding. But when it comes to it I prefer being in an open relationship than being cheated on because it means being honest.  And who knows maybe you will be the one to turn that “notorious cheater” around - statisfying them emotionally and sexually.

Ask me anything