An Attack on My Community

It's terribly ironic that my last post about a month ago proclaimed that I have nothing to complain about, but these past two weeks of June have been very stressful.  After having a wonderful birthday, I was slapped with an eviction notice... but we're pushing back leaning on the city to protect us.  Jimmy is fighting while I come off as weak in the situation. I feel lucky to be living in such a great location for such a great price for so many years.  Jimmy pointed at leaks in the ceiling, the carpet that hasn't been replaced in years and the foundation that has not been earthquake reinforced - we get what we pay for and we have rent control.

On top of that comes the Orlando tragedy in which I found myself crying at work reading victim stories and being surrounded by clueless coworkers who don't feel the pain that I'm feeling because their community wasn't targeted.

• Juan Ramon Guerrero and Christopher "Drew" Leinonen who were to get married, but will be buried together.  If you read about their family, your heart will melt.  If you follow their instagram they remind me the most of myself and my friends.  Their story hurt me the most.
• Akyra Murray who was celebrating her high school graduation reminded me of a time when I went to 18+ gay clubs in San Francisco called Faith... I was young and carefree.  Everything was new and exciting.  I was celebrating as much as she was and I felt safe being myself.
• Brenda Lee Marquez McCool who was a survivor of both breast and bone cancer was out dancing with her son before she shielded him from the bullets.  Parents protecting their kids always makes my heart jerk.

I attended the vigil in DTLA in front of LA City hall last night where I found 23 of my friends.  We came to listen, mourn and be empowered.  We all knew that I could have been us that night.  Pulse in Orlando - Latin night.  This sounds all too familiar.  It could have been Rage or Cantina in WeHo or the now defunct Dragon or Beaux in San Francisco.  Other Gaysian / POC Gay spaces where I would consider a safe space to dance, to say what's on my mind, to hold Jimmy's hand without being scared. 

My dad posted about it on Facebook, but I had to correct him.

God.

My dad texted me to pray everyday and I told him that God won't protect me, but gun control will.  At the same a Sacramento Baptist pastor praised the Orlando massacre.  I began reading about places in the world where you could be put to death for being gay.  What is the purpose of religion?  I don't see progress.  How can I pray to "God" when others' Gods say that I should be dead? 

I only pray when I fly.  Maybe because I'll be in the sky and I ask for protection from who ever is living in the clouds.  A quick sign of the father, the son and the holy spirit eases my flying anxiety.   That God will protect me when I'm closer to heaven and not on this earth when it only takes 7 minutes for some idiot human to legally buy an assault rifle and take into action his interpretation of his religion and internalized homophobia etc.

Normalizing and Checking In.

On Sunday, I went out to Akbar, the Arabian themed gay bar for 30 minutes.  It was difficult to shake the sense of fear from my mind.  But I know that I needed to.  I cannot let them win so I danced while drinking water to a remix of Whitney Houston. 

I messaged a few friends who said, "thank you for asking how I'm doing. I've talked about it.. but no one actually asked how I was."  Yes, because we're family.

The Need for Pride 

In the photo above, I'm wearing a Pride t-shirt.  I never usually celebrate pride because I never felt the need to.  Because I'm always surrounded by people who think and act like me.  But this year, I've felt less of that because of my new work environment and this tragedy.

I've never felt prosecuted and the automatic check that I do before kissing or touching my boyfriend in public has already become natural.  But now I feel that it's even more important to have pride and to be visible because in actuality I'm not as safe as I thought I've been.

LoveWins

I've decided that it's time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I announced this decision on Facebook and received so much support especially from my older cousins; maybe because I expressed how difficult it felt to do.  I could hear Joe in my head saying, what have you been waiting for?  The answer is that it just never felt right... until now.

Right at this moment, the spirit of love has finally overshadowed all the wrong in the world currently. That right now people are celebrating, people are happy, people are TALKING about gay rights.    People are thinking... "oh maybe this is a good thing."  Right now feels just right.

I just turned 30.  I can get married.  And I don't want to continue to be silent anymore about such a large piece of my life.  I'm not scared of my dad disowning me.  The other day we got into a small argument and resolved it by saying that that we love each other unconditionally.

I was jealous of my lesbian coworker whose mom called her when she heard the news about gay marriage.  I wanted that call...  I was hoping for a call, but my dad liking the new profile picture of me holding a rainbow flag is the best I could ask for.  And it's a perfect starting point.

It's time to put it into words, but how do you say it?  How do you stop from crying?  How do you say, "dad, I'm gay... I know you love me regardless, but this is who I am and one day I'll be okay not being the son that I think you want me to be."

So this is how it's going to happen - My parents are coming to Los Angeles this 4th of July weekend to visit me after I gave them a guilt trip.  I'm putting them in an AirBnB and picked the restaurants.  I bought tickets to a fireworks show at Hollywood Bowl and in between acts I will say, "Dad... I noticed that you liked my profile picture... I'm going to get married one day and I hope you're okay with that."

And... then who knows what he'll say, but I hope that the warm LA night and light from the fireworks will help make this moment feel positive... because it is.

I told my coworker my plan and she started tearing up.  I was surprised that she was so empathetic.  How is it possibly for a straight person to understand the emotions of coming out to their parents.  But then I realize that people are willing to listen, understand and support their LGBT friends and family.  And because of this we're not alone anymore because we have visibility.

Dad, I'm here.  I'm Queer.  And you already know that...  but now we can talk about it.

Gay Marriage - Shit Got Real

My friend told me that while he was having dinner with his family his auntie who is very outspoken said, "So... when are you getting married!?"

He responded with nervous laughter.  His mom shifted in her seat, his brother looked away.

It seems that things have become a bit confusing now that gay marriage is legal in California.  Simply put - gays can now be held to the same marriage pressures as straights and this is causing anxiety.

My coworker told me that her gay friends are getting married as well as breaking up.  "You mean... it's legal now?  Like... we're held together by legal documents and lawyers and shared property?  Fuckkk."

A good chunk of the gay community has accepted the fact that they couldn't get married and have created a life style based around that concept - open relationships, endless shirtless parties.  Without "the right to marriage" gays have instead found themselves taking pride in "the right to party and feel sexy forever..."  We are the lost boys of Neverland in costumes smoking with Native Americans and swimming with mermaids without sleep or responsibility while the rest of London slaves away with their social norms.

But now our parents and family members can ask us questions that we never thought we would hear.  "You're getting old now... when do you think you will settle down."

Settle down?!

For the past 3 years I have been observing my straight friends getting married through facebook.  "Good luck with that."  Get those eggs while they are still fresh.  I also watched some get divorced... I guess they weren't "the one" after all.  Someone owes me $20.  I observed single straight people freaking out about their biological clock and rushing to match.com and other dating sites to help find that person that they were meant to be with... forever. While gays continue to rush to Grindr... to find "the one" as well... the one for this evening that is.

When gay marriage was legalized, my friends celebrated by going to WeHo... to drink.  How else do you celebrate... important things like equality? I recently saw an ad in a gay magazine, "Find your husband at the Hollywood Spa."  Yes, new ways to advertise gay activities.

So I didn't think anything really changed.  The idea of getting married was still foreign... and my previous post about marriage was still a joke...

Then I saw this in my facebook feed:

Marriage proposal at SF Gay Pride.  6 years together.

FUCK


And this:

Destination Iceland Wedding.

DOUBLE FUCK.


SHIT GOT REAL.  SHIT GOT REALLY REAL.

I guess equality means getting the same rights as well as the same pressures as everyone else.  I just never thought this day would come.

Modern Family

Meet Kevin and our daughter.  We still don't know who the father is.

 

#proudtolove Jk That's my coworker during kids to work day. Love how we match! This picture actually went out to the entire company as a part of a collage. LOL. I'm lucky to be in such a welcoming environment. I'm excited to plan the biggest party of my life - my wedding. I'm talking about food, choreographed dancing and cultural traditions. Probably 4 outfit changes. The economy is going to do so well! But I imagine I'll be in my late 30's. What's the rush?

SUPPORT THE FREEDOM TO LOVE

Gay Protest Signs

This made me tear up a little.  Thanks for the share Carl.