Navigating an Open Relationship

I told Jimmy that while he's abroad to not feel tied to what he has at home; namely me.  If he wants to experience a country for its food, its culture...  its men that he should go ahead and do so without guilt.  It doesn't bother me because I feel security in our 8 year relationship.  That we want the same things in life and that I will love him forever.  Whatever happens there remains there and that he'll always come home to me.

To this he responded, "WTF, THAT IS NOT WHY I TRAVEL ALONE"

And to this I said, "I know! I'm just letting you know that I'm okay with it."

Two weeks later he comes up to me to say, "Did you make those comments because you want to be in an open relationship?" 

I nodded sheepishly.  "I understand, my baby has needs," he responded perceptively.  And that's how we got here; trying something different, but still trying to navigate it.

With one key rule that he placed: no friends.
...because, you don't shit where you eat.

A logical and complicated ask because I am friends with many people.  I am naturally friendly.  And my approach to humans and relationships has to pivot.

As I navigate this, I come to realize that app-culture is the vehicle to a very transactional way of "connecting" with other men not to mention a huge waste of time. And flirting with an end goal was something I haven't done in a really long time. There are moments I feel like hot shit and other moments I just feel like room temperature shit.  Men become objects hitting physical qualifications that allow you to “get off” and then leave.  Rather than fleeting, it feels direct and hollow.  And the high from the fun is short lived and regretful.

What am I getting out of this?  By repressing my inclination to be friends... I’m not being me.  It makes me feel shitty to have motives when the Chris that people respect, possibly admire, is a Chris that actually cares about being just your friend, to be supportive of what you're trying to achieve in life and introducing you to his community.  And that Chris doesn't take advantage of people and write them off once they’ve served their purpose.

So why did I even suggest it?

... I realize that “my needs” is so obvious and in plain sight because of my predictable one dimensional personality... it's not sex, but rather it's attention; a warm body to hold, a companion to kiss and a human to love.   Things that should only come from Jimmy, and I desperately need more frequently because of my shitty codependency especially while he’s away.

Quite the epiphany... and I feel good about this Sunday thought / self-therapy, because I can be honest  and really understand what the fuck I'm doing, where my mind is at and why I'm behaving this way.  I’m seeking so much attention, playing games, overthinking and creating constructs when it should be kept as simple and dumb as the app.

Before he left for another two week trip he expressed so much concern.  He was worried that I would resent him, but I reassured him that I would never.  I understand his needs just as much as he understands mine and we work on it together to make this relationship last.  I can’t wait for him to come home.

Platonic, Potential, Can We Please Fuck?

A friend of mine told me that he's slept with about half of his friends.  He puts people in buckets: platonic, potential and can we Please fuck?  I told him that I see all of my friends as platonic and he responded that I might be repressing something and not knowing it.  I know many wonderful attractive guys but I'm never tempted, at least in Los Angeles.  I just want to make friends and grow my Gaysian empire creating a community of good people and a supportive network (born in the 80s).  He pointed to the cute guy in the mailroom.  "You wouldn't mess around with him?"  I responded, "I guess I would, but never really thought about it other than 'hey, he's cute, what's his instagram, let me direct message him and invite him to a party" the end.

It made me wonder, am I repressing something?  I think about being affectionate with friends.  A kiss on the cheek, a head in the lap, a long embrace, a short massage.  Platonic, but still showing that you care for each other.  

How does one put friendships into the potential bucket? I thought about the power of cuddling.  The intimacy, the smell, the touch, the warmth and the time.  Can friends cuddle overnight and still sit in the platonic bucket?  Or does it quickly move to potential? When you stay overnight your guard comes down and like someone with a weak immune system you're vulnerable and likely to catch feels.  I recall "hook up" rules in which people emphasize that they would NEVER sleep over if their intention is nothing more than just loveless sex.  Is it because embracing for a long period of time affects our chemistry and you become attached?  While intertwining your limbs, do you inadvertently intertwine your heart strings?  While feeling someone's breath and listening to their heartbeat, does your soul believe that you're holding someone very important to you?    

Kevin sent me this screen grab of me and his partner Huan (my close friend from elementary school) tangled in bed at the New Years party.  Kevin was massaging my thighs and finding my zones.  He described this picture as me and Huan trying to lure him into some more than friends activity.  But what I see is innocent platonic intimacy between friends at a party.  As this short moment with friends ended, I find myself back home with my partner to embrace overnight allowing our souls to blend and our hearts to beat in sync until he overheats and pushes me away.

Happy with what Life Has Given Her.

My mom is an only child and both of her parents have passed away.  Our family dog also passed away in August of this year which led her to cry for hours.  She tells me that she's worried about getting old because loneliness is inevitable.

As a child of immigrants, I feel lucky that my parents are living happy comfortable lives.  Like many, I've internalize a sense of guilt.  Taking care of your parents and making sure they're happiness is intact is the natural next step.

For gay children, we've become convinced that we've grown up to be the furthest type of person that our parents can be proud of.  For some, hearing "i love you" is rare... to hear, "I'm proud of you" is a dream.  However, the guilt that I was struggling with is that I feel like I cannot grow the family in a way to help my mom with that loneliness which will compromise her happiness.

My mom asked me over lunch, "...do you want children?"

"I don't know... but I know that having a children would make you very happy."

She interrupted me, "that's the wrong way of thinking.  To have children is to provide happiness for yourself...  it's not about me.  It's for you."

"I'm... very happy you said that."  I wasn't expecting this sort of response, especially not that quick.  I paused and took a 3 minute break holding back the tears; glancing at strangers to see if they noticed that the conversation had turned into something more serious.

"What is it?"

The swelling in my eyes increased, "I know... how lonely you are, and having grandchildren would make you very happy... and all I want to do, is to make sure you're happy."  I verbalized the internalized guilt that I had been repressing.

Without missing a beat she responded, "I have two beautiful children, I've accepted what God has given me and I can't be happier.  I've lived a very difficult life.. your dad saved me from being abused, I've seen a lot of bad things, but I accept everything as a gift.  And I gladly accept that grandchildren may not be in my future, and that's okay.  God has already given me enough."

I absorbed everything she said.  It was something that I needed to hear.  It was such a powerful conversation to have; for my mom to express that her happiness wasn't dependent on what I could provide her and that having me was enough.  That I was enough.

It made me realize that coming out to my parents two years ago was only the beginning.   Talking about the future, talking about happiness was the next.

So do I want children?
I still don't know, but if I do...  it'll be for me especially now that I know it's a possibility. For the first time in my life, I've met two Vietnamese American Dads in their late 30’s and their 5 month old daughter. and talking to them, though only briefly, showed me what my future could possibly look like:

So much love and happiness.  It's just mind blowingly expensive  and terrifying.

SO...being a gay uncle is still my number one choice.  Come ON little brother!!  (But of course, do it for you.  ;) )

Gaysians and their White Elephants

This year we hosted our 9th annual 321 Christmas party.  The title: "Our Hard-on Will Go On."  It was Titanic themed to commemorate the 20th anniversary of the film as well as our success in avoiding eviction.  We thought that 2016 was going to be out "Last Christmas."  But we'll never let go.  The photo booth was pretty epic, but I'll save that for another post.

After posting this picture I noticed that other gaysian groups that I follow on social media began to post their own large group photos holding up gifts along side a sprinkle of women and white folks.

Each group probably complaining about their white elephant gift.  Each group excited when someone brings chicken McNuggets.  Each group happy to see each other in a comfortable environment in which they are not a token.   Looking at these group photos makes me feel as though we all follow a script.  And that even though we're trying to live unique lives, fight stereotypes (some more than others), there's just a lot that's predictable.

I can confidently say that each group is dealing with their own issues involving drugs, over partying, body dysmorphia, mental health, dating drama, family disconnection, complacency, insecurity, loneliness.   Intersectional issues that involve being both gay and Asian in which the only way to feel "normal" is to have these sort of gatherings so that we can reassure each other that we're doing just fine because we're all in it together with the support system that we've built.

Anyway, everyone loves a good white elephant.. usually not for the gift you receive but for the drama to unfold in front of you during the game.  And being with people that get it is like being with family which is especially needed during the holidays.

Not Being Selfish for Once

Jimmy asked me if I could refer his recently graduated little brother to jobs in media.  His current start up gig was abusive and he had enough.

I reached out to some old coworkers on Linkedin and within hours Jimmy's brother got a phone call, in two days he scheduled an interview and within the week he went in and got the job.

I spent about an hour and a half adding industry jargon to his application answers to secure his spot.  His ideas were there, I just developed on them.  I prepared him for the interview by telling him what he should expect and how to approach it.  He was very qualified - his experience, his interest and the timing was right.  When a media agency has a spot, they fill it fast.   When he got the job I felt this amazing feeling of accomplishment.  This older brother mentorship that I've been lacking even though I have a little brother that needs guidance himself.

With my little brother, I feel useless.  His interests, his goals, his life approach is completely different than mine.  No advice I could provide would be helpful or would even resonate with him.  Theater production? Voice acting? Online gaming?  I wouldn't even know where I would begin to guide him and feel awful and selfish for being such a terrible older brother.

We're as different as can be.  6 years a part.  But these studio pictures will always be a part of what we do together.  In the end, he'll figure it out.  He's finally feeling the pressure to leave his bedroom and accomplish something.  I have a theory that dragon mom and helicopter dad never existed in my house because their oldest (me) figured out everything on his own and left the nest immediately.  With my brother present, the family is still physically together. He's home taking care of our parents and grandpa which is more impactful than my twice a week Facetime with Mom.

Dad's 60th Dinner

I feel as though my brother can really provide my parents with that happiness that I can't provide.

What is that Asian American dream?  Successful kids, beautiful grandchildren all living together in Silicon Valley.  Early retirement?  Large Christmas parties with children and noise.  What life did my parents expect to have when they moved to the US?  It certainly wasn't this.

While Facetiming with Mom, she basically told me how she's watching Grandpa die in the hospital/nursing home.  His kidney was acting up.  She grew sad and saw her future in him.  "It feels so lonely."    To my mom, blood comes before anything else and a "gay family" just means friends - people who you can't really count on to grow old with you.  Loneliness seems to be something that my life facilitates: living in Los Angeles with my boyfriend + never being able to provide her grandchildren.    And maybe that's why there's little to no pressure for my brother to leave the house.  Him and his girlfriend are welcome to live the townie life - get local jobs and provide my parents with a larger family.  It's his job to provide that heteronormative American dream.  And what am I doing? Selfishly gallivanting in Los Angeles like Peter Pan collecting lost boys; more friends, not family.

But at least I helped out someone's family and start jumped their career.  For that moment I felt like I was being helpful and not selfish.

Dating Friends

In my quest to being independent, I defaulted to going to Echo Park Lake to spend time with myself.  I had a picnic blanket, a book and a warm LA day.  I had exhausted my contact list and said to myself that I need to learn to be alone - finally.  I found a spot and enjoyed watching a lesbian couple play catch with a softball.  I noticed two gaysian boys sitting a few meters away who turned out to be my friend Jon and his friend visiting from Australia.

My effort at solitude was foiled and I was relieved. We talked about family, life, the difference between Australia and the US, relationships and the Aussie recommended the book "The Course of Love by Alain de Botton.   He shared a quote, "he will need to learn that love is a skill and not an enthusiasm."  The author also talks about how when we hurt our lovers, it usually isn't malicious but because we are hurting ourselves etc. etc.

This is something that we should be aware of.  To this Jon said, "well Chris, I feel that you're pretty self aware."   Maybe too aware as I talked about being 90% extrovert to the group... again. I expressed interest in the book because reading isn't a group activity.

The Aussie also talked about "The Family Law" which is the Aussie version of "Fresh Off the Boat" It's based off the life a Chinese-Australian who's basically the gaysian version of David Sedaris.  OF COURSE I became interested.

==

I ended up having dinner with the Aussie without Jon where we walked about 2 miles to get a burger because these "real" city people really love walking.  He got nostalgic and recounted 2 years of his life being lonely in LA.  He lived without a car, he jumped from house to house never having a lease.  He always had a book and sunglasses in a bag. He was free, but his time in LA expired.

As we got to know each other, I said to him that sometimes I feel like I miss dating.  The uncertainty.  The art of flirting, but playing hard to get.  The science of overthinking and over calculating.  The feeling of being attractive, valuable, wanted. The balance of obsessing and being cool.  The frustration of eventually asking, "what are doing?!" I don't play video games, but I remember that I enjoyed playing the dating game because it made me feel human.  But maybe not as much as some of my friends who are notorious serial daters.  Some folks seeing 5 different guys casually within a week and others in many 1 year relationships back to back.

"Oh god.  You're not missing much."  The Aussie responded in his mesmerizing accent.  He told me a few horror stories, but the point is at 33, he has no more time for that bullshit.

At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and email and I basically walked him to the door of his AirBnB.  For a moment I humored the thought that I had just completed a really nice "date" where the conversation was fluid, the feeling of getting to know a stranger was present, and a connection was made beyond finding commonalities like going down a checklist.

It's a problem when your dating pool is the same as your friend pool and you have to constantly question if the person was just being friendly.  Which I always am because #extrovert.  It's also a really tiny pool.  A friend of mine was dating two guys who then turned out to be friends.  Terrible.

But of course, it wasn't a date.  Two things have to happen for it to be a date - someone treats and you don't talk about your current boyfriend Jimmy for about a quarter of the time.  As we separated, I started to think about which thirsty friend of mine would like him the most and how I now have a housing option in Australia!

He texted me this morning with a selfie in front of the taco stand we talked about.  If this was following a date, then he just threw the ball into my court and it was up to me to respond or reject. I humored my imagination and I began to feel this false "enthusiasm."  This could potentially be a back and forth, overthought ambiguous exchange that takes so much time and energy and that most single people in their 30's are tired of having to do.  But of course, he was being friendly, just as I was and I jumped out of the hypothetical.  I switched over to Jimmy's text window and told him that I'm bringing home salad for him.

He responded gratefully and lovingly, "Thank you babyy!"   Like he does... every time.   




==

I re-read my post about sex positivity in the gaysian community and man, do I sound uber naive.  About 10 of my SF friends participated in Folsom this year.  Not just spectated, but actually dressed up with harnesses and skin.  What a sheltered bubble that I live in.

Living for my friend's heels

Gaysian Shorts on Youtube + Spa Night

I've always turned to the small screen to find people I could relate to.  I feel like I've collected a few videos and wanted to post them since I was all about these webseries in my previous post.

Some old gaysian shorts:

Stay (2010)

Are you my boyfuck or boyfriend?  Simple concept with actors that look like my friends.

Do You, Andy (2012)

I've shared this before, but I love this one so much

Thanks, Dads (2014)

I don't know many gay couples with kids, but this really made it a possibly

And I'm so proud of Andrew's film Spa Night which I got to see on the big screen.


Yes Asian!

Gay Web Series

I just finished The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo and posted on Facebook my new man crush Kenneth Kirby and my thirsty friends starting biting.  I mean, look at him:

And the fact that he has only 1K followers on instagram makes he very approachable.  He can be our friend that everyone dreams about.    This web series staring the guy that did the video "What actually happens when gay guys see other gay guys and straight people aren't around" is hilarious!  I found my self laughing until I almost cried.



I remember really liking The Outs and being very aroused by Hunting Season which is just soft core porn.  Both series take place in New York.

I haven't gotten the chance to watch The EastSiders which I've added to the list.

Paper boys takes place in San Francisco and stars a gaysian, but only has 3 episodes!! Come on guys! We want more!

Her Story is exceptional story about trans and queer women that had me crying as well.  It's up for an Emmy award!

There's something about how amateur and raw these web series are.  It feels as though I'm closer to the characters especially since I know a few folks personally in the entertainment space.

Some recommendations that I got:

Love Sick - Thai Drama
Disposable Teans - gay teen who is forced to runaway from home after coming out of the closet.
Cómo conocí a la chica de Ludisoft - Spanish series not too sure what it's about
G&T - Italian web series that seems to be very popular
Free Fall - Black web series from 2013 and has continued momentum
Spin the Bottle - Looks terribly corny
Alex and Benny - Chinese guys being domestic
Heroin - Chinese high school drama.. looks interesting

And during my research I stumbled upon this cringe-worthy gem:

So awkward, so preachy... and something I don't get being so sticky rice.


Here we go:

Much better.. except he better get stood up at 7:30.. oh hell.

Just Talking About Sex

Trying on leather 101

I'm going to be real with you blog.

The sex dwindles the deeper you enter your long term relationship.  And you would think that Jimmy and I would talk more about it, but we don't because things have just become so comfortable.  And at times sex feels like a chore or a check list item between laundry and cooking because we're supposed to be doing it at least once a week to be considered "a healthy couple" reaching the 5th.. or was 6th year mark of our relationship. This weekend we got to talking about what we need from each other.  And what do you know, we had amazing louder-than-usual sex.  Wow, communication works instead of just blaming it on our mismatched schedules.

I had forgotten that I have 6 erogenous zones and Jimmy only has 1.  And that I really needed to say what I wanted him to do... in order to have my eyes roll behind my head.  And now I'm craving more and he's out in Atlanta for work getting black dick without me.

When I visited Brooklyn, a group of new friends started to talk about sex positivity among the gaysian community; specifically about kink.  They addressed that gaysians just don't talk about it and that needs to change, but I argued, do they not talk about whips and chains because it really doesn't excite them?  That a community of freaky deaky gaysians is really small?  But maybe, it doesn't exist because we don't talk about it.  A paradox.  I know that some folks think that my house parties are lined with sex, but they are really sexless parties, esp. compared to some other gay spaces I've had the pleasure of being invited to.   Regardless, the 321 space offers other forms of pleasantries that I am grateful for.

I know the gaysians in my circle who are freaks and I try to n'sync them together.  To create a small sub-community within a sub-community within a sub-community.   There's a curiosity here to really elevate sexual pleasure and desire that's not really addressed and maybe it's time to get out of comfort and really experiment with things other than just generically "boys."

Without a doubt I feel like the gaysians in New York and San Francisco are hooking up way more than Angelenos.  Why?  Because your erection disappears when your $15 uber gets lost.  Or you don't know where to park.  Or you're not that drunk because you have to drive.  Car culture has really ruined hooking up.  And at times I feel like my friends are really sex-less because of this or because they're not talking about it.    But let's change all of that.

More sex.  More talk about sex.  And... how many erogenous zones do you feel have been neglected?

**edit**
Just saw some Folsom pictures from the Gaysians in SF.  High heels, asses out.  Love love love.

Ya'll Left me Alone with a Donut

I've been on this health kick when my results came back and showed that though my overall cholesterol was down, my triclycerides were up.  I couldn't believe it.  This year I had better portion control, salads for lunch, exercise in the morning.  I trimmed down from 161 to 154.  However, I feel like I'm destined to have a heart attack, but Steven reassured me that it's probably genetics.  He reminded me that eggs are actually good for me and what I needed to watch out for was trans and saturated fat, not dietary fat that comes from animal products.  To my joy, I had some nachos to celebrate... but those nachos were on top of french fries... which were cooked in oil with lots of trans and saturated fat.  UGH.

But everyone seems supportive of my effort to get better and live longer.  These numbers HAVE to improve by next year.  Salmon and cheap California avocado more frequently?  No problem.  No taco bell?  Ugh.  I need to go back to my diet mantra "I know what it tastes like, I don't need to eat it."  And MORE exercise - working on it.    The weight goal is to be under 150 pounds because for my height, I am considered overweight according to the doctors.

I'm a cuddly bear on the beach.  

I told Joe that Jimmy deleted Grindr/Jackd because it was making him feel self conscious comparing himself to other guys which I didn't get 100%.  To my surprise Joe responded, "yeah! of course!  Constantly seeing impossible-to-achieve torsos in the gay world would have an affect on you."  And I thought to myself - oh... right, beautiful bodies which I usually glaze pass unless they attached an instagram link #morephotos.

Candipop at The Satellite in Silverlake 

Last night they were giving out free donuts and I grabbed one.  There were 7 of us total and we already had a lot to drink.  I previously bought everyone a round of whiskey which no one verbally thanked me for nor were excited about.  I should have asked instead of assuming because most of us don't want to feel like shit the next day; but I really wanted to share my joy that the week was over.  There should have been drunk hunger, but NO ONE wanted share this delicious treat.  Everyone politely declined, so I just devoured the fucking donut on my own on the dance floor listening to Willa Ford's - I Wanna be Bad.

I thought to myself, do my friends just not like donuts (impossible) or was there some sort of body consciousness tied to the refusal.  No sugar after 6PM or something? Is this donut really destroy that body of yours?  Here I am, talking non-stop about my cholesterol for the past two weeks and I'm like, "fuck this" and eat all of it in great satisfaction.  No guilt. Just freedom.

So what is it about body dysmorphia in the gay community?  Can we blame how the community is frequently exposed to chiseled bodies through media and... grindr / jackd?  Can we blame other gays who seem so fit, but complain the most about how "fat" they are after posting a shirtless pic on instagram while some of us have never exposed our bodies even at the beach?   Is it because having a hot body is like having a good fishing rod when trying to date because that's the only thing that seems to get a response (No Fems, No Fats, No Asians)?  Are we in constant competition with one another that we have to feel bad about ourselves every time we look in the mirror?  I don't know.

What I do know is, ya'll left me alone with that donut and I'm trying to reduce my cholesterol and ya'll be looking at it like the devil even though none of you have health problems (that I know about).  Help a brother out gaysians - you can afford that sugar; you're not going get that bulky man-meat torso anytime soon, lesbehonest.

All I want from my friends is for them to be healthy and not physique obsessed.  And to workout because it makes them feel good not so that they can get affirmations of self worth.   I want to be friends with people, not models and I'm proud to say that most of my friends have VERY average bodies because we are average people....  average people who should have one bite of a donut at midnight in a night club full of people born in the 90s without judgement once in a while.

An Attack on My Community

It's terribly ironic that my last post about a month ago proclaimed that I have nothing to complain about, but these past two weeks of June have been very stressful.  After having a wonderful birthday, I was slapped with an eviction notice... but we're pushing back leaning on the city to protect us.  Jimmy is fighting while I come off as weak in the situation. I feel lucky to be living in such a great location for such a great price for so many years.  Jimmy pointed at leaks in the ceiling, the carpet that hasn't been replaced in years and the foundation that has not been earthquake reinforced - we get what we pay for and we have rent control.

On top of that comes the Orlando tragedy in which I found myself crying at work reading victim stories and being surrounded by clueless coworkers who don't feel the pain that I'm feeling because their community wasn't targeted.

• Juan Ramon Guerrero and Christopher "Drew" Leinonen who were to get married, but will be buried together.  If you read about their family, your heart will melt.  If you follow their instagram they remind me the most of myself and my friends.  Their story hurt me the most.
• Akyra Murray who was celebrating her high school graduation reminded me of a time when I went to 18+ gay clubs in San Francisco called Faith... I was young and carefree.  Everything was new and exciting.  I was celebrating as much as she was and I felt safe being myself.
• Brenda Lee Marquez McCool who was a survivor of both breast and bone cancer was out dancing with her son before she shielded him from the bullets.  Parents protecting their kids always makes my heart jerk.

I attended the vigil in DTLA in front of LA City hall last night where I found 23 of my friends.  We came to listen, mourn and be empowered.  We all knew that I could have been us that night.  Pulse in Orlando - Latin night.  This sounds all too familiar.  It could have been Rage or Cantina in WeHo or the now defunct Dragon or Beaux in San Francisco.  Other Gaysian / POC Gay spaces where I would consider a safe space to dance, to say what's on my mind, to hold Jimmy's hand without being scared. 

My dad posted about it on Facebook, but I had to correct him.

God.

My dad texted me to pray everyday and I told him that God won't protect me, but gun control will.  At the same a Sacramento Baptist pastor praised the Orlando massacre.  I began reading about places in the world where you could be put to death for being gay.  What is the purpose of religion?  I don't see progress.  How can I pray to "God" when others' Gods say that I should be dead? 

I only pray when I fly.  Maybe because I'll be in the sky and I ask for protection from who ever is living in the clouds.  A quick sign of the father, the son and the holy spirit eases my flying anxiety.   That God will protect me when I'm closer to heaven and not on this earth when it only takes 7 minutes for some idiot human to legally buy an assault rifle and take into action his interpretation of his religion and internalized homophobia etc.

Normalizing and Checking In.

On Sunday, I went out to Akbar, the Arabian themed gay bar for 30 minutes.  It was difficult to shake the sense of fear from my mind.  But I know that I needed to.  I cannot let them win so I danced while drinking water to a remix of Whitney Houston. 

I messaged a few friends who said, "thank you for asking how I'm doing. I've talked about it.. but no one actually asked how I was."  Yes, because we're family.

The Need for Pride 

In the photo above, I'm wearing a Pride t-shirt.  I never usually celebrate pride because I never felt the need to.  Because I'm always surrounded by people who think and act like me.  But this year, I've felt less of that because of my new work environment and this tragedy.

I've never felt prosecuted and the automatic check that I do before kissing or touching my boyfriend in public has already become natural.  But now I feel that it's even more important to have pride and to be visible because in actuality I'm not as safe as I thought I've been.

My Coming Out Story - Fourth of July Weekend

I planned a pretty elaborate weekend for my parents.  I had to, I guilt tripped them to visit me in Los Angeles so I'd better have something good prepared.  And it all just worked out that I suddenly felt the need to come out...in person.  This is how the weekend went.

FRIDAY

Echo Park Lake
My parents took the Vietnamese bus which turned out to be a bumpy ride for them.  Good thing there was a free Banh Mi.  I found them at the Chinatown metro stop where they told me that every Viet person calls So Cal, Los Angeles.  When they said they wanted to get off in LA the driver asked back, which part?  LA Chinatown or LA Westminster?  Westminster is in Orange County.

My parents arrived at 3PM so I took them to a park for a snack and a stroll.

I wanted to show them my neighborhood and despite how run down my house is, I live in a pretty nice community.

We had time to kill so I took my parents to the Charmed House.  Oddly, Charmed was one of my dad's favorite shows.  He was pretty excited to see it and the rest of Carroll Avenue.

I checked my parent into their AirBnB where they were greeted by an artist.  A yoga instructor - fire dancer host who paints and gardens and has a very tastefully decorated apartment.  My dad played a fews songs for him and the host said that he has been inspired to pick up playing the piano again.  The funny part is that the host lives with his partner.  It just happened to be that the nicest most affordable place near my house along the 101 was owned by gays.

Griffith Observatory
It's not a trip to LA without traffic.  It was a bit of a challenge getting up the mountain with a concert happening at the Greek Theater, but we made it.   I was getting pretty frustrated because the last time my parents visited we couldn't find parking, this time we struggled with parking AND someone pulled the fire alarm.

We waited patiently observing the sunsetting sky for patrons to be let back in.

We got i after waiting 20 minutes!  We took some nice shots of the city which everyone has seen before.  We also watched a video on how the observatory was built which was pretty compelling to my dad who originally wanted to be an architect when he was a teenager.

Ruen Pair

For dinner I took them to my favorite Thai restaurant in Thai Town.  They were impressed - nothing like the Thai food they were used to.  Duck, Noodles, Fried Fish, Meat dish that tasted like papya salad.  There were NO leftovers!

And I dropped them off for the evening.


SATURDAY

Portos
I was really stressed out about how I was going to get to the Westside, but it worked out that there was no freeway traffic that day.  Took them to Porto's in Burbank where we over-ordered, but we took the left overs for lunch.

The Getty left
I was worried that I didn't have enough things for my parents to do, but as it turns out my mom and dad loved the Getty so much that we stayed until 4PM.  The Getty was also pretty empty while we were there.

My parents were examining every art piece.  Some of my dad's favorite artists had their work up.  Golly it took a while to go through the collection.

My parents got security nervous taking this picture.  Almost fell on the statue.

There was a family area where they allowed people to draw.  My dad was so excited, my mom and I left him for 20 minutes so that he could have personal time.

The staff as so impressed that they pinned my dad's art piece on the wall.  My dad hugged me and kissed me on the cheek and told me that it was one of his dreams to paint in a museum.  He was so happy.  I didn't even know that was on his bucket list.

The gardens of course.  A treat for my mom who loved the lavender.

Coming Out
The original plan was to tell my parents at the Hollywood Bowl.  I joked with my friends that I would time it with Fourth of July Fireworks, but Andrew advised against all of that even if I was joking.  He said they would have questions, it should be done in private and I'm thankful that I talked to him because I basically fell a part when I told them.

I was laying down in the fetal position while Netflix was playing a zombie movie after we came home from the Getty left.  My dad was rearranging the luggage while my mom sat next to me on the bed.  When there was a break in the conversation; I spoke up.

"Are you guys having fun?"
"YES! Of course!  We're glad we're here to see you."
"I'm really glad you're here too.. because... I'm 30 now and I love you very much.. and I just wanted to say..."

And I started crying.  My mom responded, "i know what you're going to say."

And as if I was speaking a foreign language I struggled with the words and said it quickly "I'm gay."   My dad held me and started to cry... "I love you so much Christopher."  They told me they knew, aunts and uncles knew and that they just didn't know how to bring it up and just waited for me.  They said that a lot of pressure has also been released from their bodies and that they are happy with me and love me no matter what.

And my mom said she would like to learn and understand, but she was still confused about gender roles and sexuality.  She said that her friend had a trans-son and I explained that's a different situation.

My mom told me that if I do marry Jimmy that she only asks him to take care of her... because that's what a daughter in-law would traditionally do.  Oh dear.  That's a lot of pressure.

Here we are right after - I'm crying more than either of them... and I recorded the who thing on the Voice Recorder App, but I don't want to listen to it.. I'm too embarrassed.  Maybe one day.  With that we're on our way to the next adventure.  Everyone feeling relieved and thankful.

I'm pretty lucky to have such understanding parents.  I can't say that enough.

Hollywood Bowl
I put together a picnic basket full of random finger foods from Trader Joes for our dinner before the show.  We found a table at my hidden area and enjoyed the random meal of pate and grapes, crackers and bread.

My mom wanted a Corona.

Just kidding, she wanted the wine too.

Perfect seats!  Hollywood sign was in view and Smokey Robinson killed it.  My parents were in shock at how many people were there.

The fireworks show was spectacular and meant a lot more this time around because it represented freedom from being silent.  Freedom to be who I am without fear.  And of course freedom to marry.

I talk to my parents once a week on the phone while in traffic. It's amazing how we've able to "not talk about it" for so long, but now with the elephant in the room deflated, they can ask me about my boyfriend and about my romantic future.

While looking for a Lyft home, my dad took a picture with this street musician sitting the a tunnel near the Bowl.  My dad loves taking pictures with street musicians.


SUNDAY

Grand Central Market / Bradbury Building
We had just enough time to stop by the Grand Central Market where my mom got really excited about cheap produce.  She bought 4 boxes of cherries and 4 boxes of other berries to bring to San Jose.  Jimmy joined us for breakfast and they got to know him a little more as my boyfriend.

My mom asking Jimmy which one is the girl in the relationship. 

In between attractions, my parents went looking for a bathroom.  At this moment I really understood what it meant to be my parent's son.  Because I use the bathroom everyone and anywhere I go!

We made it in time to catch their bus.  They saw a short woman collecting money.  "WHERE YOU GOING? SAN JOSE!?  $40!! GET ON!"

This must be it!  My mom got in and my dad yelled at her in Vietnamese.  "Say bye to your son!" They hugged me good bye and they were off to NorCal.

For me it's important that people I love visit me as much as I visit them.  I want to welcome my home and my space especially to family.  And I couldn't have imagined a more perfect weekend with my parents.

LoveWins

I've decided that it's time to tell my dad that I'm gay.  I announced this decision on Facebook and received so much support especially from my older cousins; maybe because I expressed how difficult it felt to do.  I could hear Joe in my head saying, what have you been waiting for?  The answer is that it just never felt right... until now.

Right at this moment, the spirit of love has finally overshadowed all the wrong in the world currently. That right now people are celebrating, people are happy, people are TALKING about gay rights.    People are thinking... "oh maybe this is a good thing."  Right now feels just right.

I just turned 30.  I can get married.  And I don't want to continue to be silent anymore about such a large piece of my life.  I'm not scared of my dad disowning me.  The other day we got into a small argument and resolved it by saying that that we love each other unconditionally.

I was jealous of my lesbian coworker whose mom called her when she heard the news about gay marriage.  I wanted that call...  I was hoping for a call, but my dad liking the new profile picture of me holding a rainbow flag is the best I could ask for.  And it's a perfect starting point.

It's time to put it into words, but how do you say it?  How do you stop from crying?  How do you say, "dad, I'm gay... I know you love me regardless, but this is who I am and one day I'll be okay not being the son that I think you want me to be."

So this is how it's going to happen - My parents are coming to Los Angeles this 4th of July weekend to visit me after I gave them a guilt trip.  I'm putting them in an AirBnB and picked the restaurants.  I bought tickets to a fireworks show at Hollywood Bowl and in between acts I will say, "Dad... I noticed that you liked my profile picture... I'm going to get married one day and I hope you're okay with that."

And... then who knows what he'll say, but I hope that the warm LA night and light from the fireworks will help make this moment feel positive... because it is.

I told my coworker my plan and she started tearing up.  I was surprised that she was so empathetic.  How is it possibly for a straight person to understand the emotions of coming out to their parents.  But then I realize that people are willing to listen, understand and support their LGBT friends and family.  And because of this we're not alone anymore because we have visibility.

Dad, I'm here.  I'm Queer.  And you already know that...  but now we can talk about it.

Goofing Around.

Just playing around with the selfie stick.  Ended up taking a lot of silly couply pictures.

Made some GIFs too.  Heeehee.

I had all this hair length back in March... I just didn't know how to style it and it was cut kinda funky and jimmy hates long hair.

But it was fun to play with.  Maybe I'll grow it out again.

Oh.  Did you know that Taco Bell serves Cinnabon Delights so hot that it melts candles?  Happy Birthday Andrew, your dessert is inedible.

So Goofy.

Break Up Season

Two years ago I wrote about being surrounded by gay couples.

It was an optimistic post that declared that gay long term relationships actually exists and that I have something to look forward to in the long run.  Two years later a 3rd of those couples that I mentioned in that post has broken up.  What's odd is that they all broke up at the same time ringing in 2015 painfully awkward, yet they all seemed to be reprogrammed to start new projects that are focused on self accomplishments.

Is there an expiration date?  Is there something in the air?

3 month mark - Superficial Reasons
6 month mark - Substantial Reasons
3 year mark - Start Over. New Chapter. Refocus. 
6 year mark - Shit.

It seems like for relationships there are time markers during which couples or individuals really reevaluate.  Maybe instead of celebrating anniversaries with Jimmy I should be celebrate passing these markers.  But as we get older, it really is an accomplishment.



How does it make me feel?

I feel like I should be more concerned and upset that I actually am.  I feel like my optimism has taken a blow and I should be protesting, but I've come to accept it as a reality.  Maybe it's because gay men challenge themselves to prove that they are better than what society expects them to be.  And this requires them to constantly reevaluate their achievements, relationships and life goals.

Anyway, I'm currently obsessed with Oliver Hampton from How to Get Away with Murder.  When they first introduced him, I rolled my eyes because he was a stereotype Asian character: nerdy, weak, taken advantage of... but as the show progressed the writers really fleshed out the relationship.  The latest scene got my emotions all tangled up.  And Oliver got so cute so fast. Of course I'm following the actor Conrad Ricamora on instagram.




Take it slow Oliver... but check-in in 6 months.


I haven't watched TV in years. I refer to youtube to find programing that includes Asian Americans.

Mass media seems to only include people look and think like you, but if you walk the footsteps of an Asian you'll learn things you never knew you never knew...

Fresh of the Boat is hilarious.   Let's make it through one season, that's all I ask.

It was Planned; A Late Night Sexual Proposition

There was a work event last Friday in Malibu.  I planned for lots of drinking, no driving.  How does one plan for this?  I put a phone charger and contact lens container in my pocket and gave the heads up to some people on the west side that I might need a place to crash.  I wore boxers instead of boxer-briefs so that if I drunkenly stripped off my clothes I wouldn't be too embarrassed.  But none of that happened even if I somewhat planned for it.

The evening ended and I actually was pretty okay to drive even after bottles of wine, beer and bourbon.  Well, maybe not on a freeway for 18 miles. Regardless, I purposely left my car at home and took the train to work that day.   It was 12:30 in the morning and I texted Jimmy who offered me a ride.  I didn't want him to go across town just grab me, so I looked up bus routes.  I found the 4 which was 2 blocks away from where I was and would drop me off near Echo Park Lake.  "It's okay, I want to test out taking the bus baby."  I responded.  Jimmy didn't argue - he knew I would push back because I wanted to have an adventure any way.  And he was absorbed in his fashion shows on youtube.

I wanted to see who rode the bus late into the night and how "doable" this was.  An experiment by a white collar worker pretending to be a part of a community that has less of a choice in life.  It's like ART.  Anyway, I was alone on the street and the bus arrived after waiting for 10 minutes.  I had credit left over from a day pass that I wanted to use which was also a part of my justification to do this. Surprisingly, there were a lot of people.  Folks from parties, going home after a long work day, just finishing an errand.  Lots of different types of people were taking the 4 line at this hour.

1 hour and 8 minutes to bus across town

The bus drove down Santa Monica Blvd.  Through the rich and poor neighborhoods and through West Hollywood.  I fell a sleep and woke up a little groggy in a dodgy part of the iconic street when suddenly an middle aged man sat in the empty seat next to me.

He put out his hand and said, "hello."  He was balding, overweight and ghostly paul.  I stared at his hand and paused for the longest time as if I was about to make a large life decision and needed more time to process what was happening.  I shook his hand awkwardly. "Hiiii..."  I dragged out my response in suspicious.  His hand was dry and puffy.  Was this guy going to shank me?  I was carrying my Nikon J1 that Jimmy bought for me.  Is that what he wanted?

"Do you want to come with me on the next stop?"  His English was mildly broken and I realized what was going on.  I was being propositioned for sex.  He must have assumed that I was a WeHo party boy, drugged up from clubbing and drunk-horny-desperate as if I was recently rejected by the person I was hitting on.  The switch in my mind flipped and I got scared.

Like a child my response was timidly direct. "No.  I'm going home."  And I looked away as if I had been shamed.  

"Hey! I'm just asking!" He raised both hands and got up from the bench.  The bus doors open and he stepped out waving thank you to the bus driver.  His escape route was so planned.  The moment that was awkward was short and he was on his way to where ever.  I was only 2 miles away from my stop.

Jimmy picked me up while I was walking in the direction of my house along the lake.  He was just about ready to go for his 2AM gym run.  It was perfectly planned.