Uncertain Human Connection

I would prefer it that I date people who chat online because there are particular conversations that you have online that do not happen face to face or through text. And it's the idea of knowing that they are available to talk compared to feeling like you are intruding when you call/ text them.

I had two very interesting conversations today with folks I've recently met. I successfully sparked epiphanies with both parties talking about being single. I would like to think that I have enough wisdom and experience to share to others, but in reality, I don't, so I must blog it out to reassure myself.

I personally DONT want to experience pain and disappointment and would like to relish in the freedom of my 20s by embracing free love and flirtations. Commitment is not worth risking heartache (for now). But I still would like to connect with people. I don't want to expect anything from anyone and would just like to enjoy uncertainty.

If I hook up with someone I'd like to ask them to stay to cuddle so that I connect with another human in that moment for longer than 1.5 hours. Why, do we need to leave after we hook up with someone? Please stay and talk to me... and then leave in the morning to return to your life. Because if you leave at 2AM, I will feel dirty and empty. If you leave at 10AM, I will feel like I have successfully made that connection. A connection that may or may not be emotional... but let's not figure that out tomorrow.

Over AIM I talked about how it's impossible to recreate first love. In relationships proceeding first love, we attached ourselves to the first spark that we feel because we are relieved that we are capable of experiencing the same amazing sensations of first love with someone else. In actuality, we are not actually experiencing that same love, but rather remembering what it feels like and projecting it.

And that's why it's good to take things slow... so that something new can develop that's different from previous love.

I advised my new friends not to be so eager to put pressure in defining relationships, but rather let feelings breath and manifest organically. You can't demand a definition because there may not be an answer at the time. "What are we?" ... "Does it matter?" Why are we in such a hurry... we are gay, our eggs do not rot with time. We are young, we have other matters to deal with. "Are we dating?" "Are you interested?" ... Often, the answer is, I don't know.

What's more fun? Knowing the answer to these questions or being uncertain?  

It's the uncertainty that excites me- not knowing where anything is going and not letting that stop you touching, frustrate you to insanity or drain you so that you no longer have any sort of energy to do anything else. It is during uncertainty that you melt when you win the who-contacts-who-first game. And if it doesn't happen, you are able to just shrug your shoulders and focus on other things/relationships. At the same time, it's not being afraid to admit that you're thinking of them, tug at their heart strings.

I enjoy making connections with undefined titles and letting things develop naturally; to enjoy company without expectation and experience relationships without pressure.  Even though I'm single.... I don't feel alone.