Monday, November 2, 2009

Becoming the Other Guy

I think it's been 2 months since I first started dating the guy and our relationship had hit an expected plateau. With all the advice from friends, I had planned to talk to him about just being friends later this week.... my logic for prolonging this was that I hoped that I didn't need to say anything and he would just get it. I guess I hoped that we were both on the same page and we could avoid that awkward part of getting it in words and documents. This is a common mistake.

He came over Sunday night after an "interesting Halloween weekend" that involved him throwing up in my friend's car on Friday (I had a bag ready) and then not being invited to hang out with me on Saturday when I "needed roommate time," but really I needed Halloween slut time.

I asked him what's on his mind and he responded with, "where is this going... sometimes I feel like you want me in your life, sometimes you don't." I told him that I don't have any feelings for him, but I just wanted to take it slow and give it a shot. He asked again, "is it because you're not ready for a relationship or...." I repeated, I don't have any feelings. With that he left, grabbed his shirt that I borrowed and headed for the door after "getting the last word:"

"I should have seen this coming." He mumbled. He was really sad. I felt really bad. "I guess we won't be seeing each other," he stated.

"what do you mean? I still wanna hang out with you." I was looking forward to going skiing.
"Well.. if that's what you want to be is just friends..." and he dragged his feet to his car and I locked the gate.


I've never been in this sort of situation. I've been in his spot plenty of times, but it's rare for me to be so casual, so aloof, so unclear of my intentions, so assuming until I actually hurt someone. I care about him, but not like that and I just feel terrible.

I should have avoided this painful death by saying something sooner- being straight up is ALWAYS appreciated.

But now I understand what it's like to be "the other guy" and I have become that other guy: difficult to read, uncommitted, selfish, and undesiring of anything serious... disgusted by people who ache about the idea of love.. blah blah blah.

I feel like I have become the other guy who dates around, steps on people, feels good about himself and reassures himself that he's doing nothing wrong while juggling feelings and shots of stoli... and not saying anything until things get out of hand.

Or simply put, I have become that guy that isn't ready for anything serious, who doesn't desire a boyfriend, commitment... but rather just a good time with good people and good food. I'm only 24 and I don't feel like settling. But no one would be interested if they knew that, but no one would get hurt at the same time.


dannie said...

take it as a learning experience and try not to be that other guy anymore, since you had first hand experience of how that felt. hope things work out :]

Gauss Jordan said...

*nod* I'm trying not to be that guy. But how do you have the "let's be friends" talk if you aren't sure where a relationship's going?

Carl's Cup of Chai said...

I'm really proud of you that you were so honest, as you should be. How often do we get the, it's not you, it's me, I'm not ready for a relationship, etc. crap? You told him that the feelings just weren't there or they weren't enough to move forward. We shouldn't delude others or be deluded into thinking that it would have worked out if at a better time.

And while you put friendship on the table, it's up to him to decide whether he can take the step back and accept that.

It's a great thing to be single and fabulous and I don't think you've become the other guy at all. You stated your intentions early on to be casual and there are guys out there that feel the same way. I think you know with the right guy when you want to move forward to something more serious.

As you said, you don't feel like settling, and you never should.

mich said...

I agree with Carl. I don't think you've done anything wrong. You're bound to feel bad because you don't want anyone to feel sad. It's normal.