..damaged...

I spent an hour trying to write something about being a realist when it comes to developing relationships, but I wasn't able to really articulate.

Talking to Will and reading this entry from a tumblrer, made me realize that I shouldn't be so unwilling to believe that something so beautiful can happen... and that I should stop hiding behind being a "realist- appreciating honesty" and return to being an optimist despite the endless accounts and examples of the incapability to commit. It is a lot of work to get there, but it's worth it.



Living in technicolor - this is what he had to say.

It’s something a lot of people can relate to. The idea that past romances (or failed attempts at them) leave us incomplete people. That our negative experiences and fallen expectations make us skeptical, hesitant, guarded and scared.

I can certainly attest to that feeling, especially during my years in college when I was starting to come out after a failed high school crush attempt. There’s a certain entitlement that comes with such self-martyrdom, that in the grander karma of the universe, you deserve your share of happiness. You deserve someone that can reinvigorate that hope for a future of love and security because you had been wronged. You want the new experiences to fill the gaps of desire and heartbreak. It became an expectation that made me feel lonely and, at times, desperate.

What I sometimes see (or think I see) as retaliation against all this is a relaxation of expectation and obligation. Friends with benefits. Fuck buddies. We’re just dating. An open relationship. The idea is that one enjoys the frills of being in a relationship without the emotional baggage of love, fidelity and expectation. I always looked at those things with skepticism. I can’t imagine enjoying that kind of time with someone
without some sort of attachment developing. At the same time, I think that the thought of that much freedom scares me a little.

Maybe we’re all damaged. Gay or straight. It’s all part of growing up, losing your innocence and realizing what the world is like. Maybe the answer is simply personal perseverance and time. Still, trying to hide the hurt with a defensive and/or lackadaisical exterior won’t help. Our expectations may have been wrong in the past but there’s hope in them, as long as you’re still open to being damaged again.