Troubled - Flow of Thoughts... Pardon Me.

This week I've been having trouble sleeping.
I find myself doing Sudoku or learning vocabulary before I can drift off when usually it takes me nothing at all. BTW, I really hate it when I mess up Sudoku. How do you even fix that?!

My dreams are conflicted.
Yelling at my dad, being jealous, getting lost, traveling, hungry. I close my eyes to dream of something better, but dreams during the mornings are usually worse... and my rapid eye movement quickens.

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Michelle suggested that I go on a couple of dates so that I have something to write about since lately I have been dry. I haven't been thinking... i have discovered: nihilism.

And it shows in my sloppy appearance. What's happening to me?

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I feel tragic: the cut on my nose is the cherry to top my scarred body. I am undesirable. But who am I to complain? I am not a burn victim.

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I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I guess people used to make me feel happy, but in a way, I feel abandoned. And the venture to meet new people that cared for me just the same I would consider a major fail.

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It is HARD to meet new people.

So if I were to get up and leave right now. It would be okay, but where?

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During Watchmen, I wanted to yell, "AWW SHIT, HE's GOING CHRIS BROWN ON HER ASS!" When the Comedian was beating up on a female superhero. Cuz if you're going to shout in the theatre, you have to sound ghetto. I know everyone was thinkin' it. But.. it's too soon?

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I enjoy a fellow blogger's video on insecurities.



Stripped and vulnerable. But pleasantly attractive, not just cuz I think he's cute, but because I know more about him than a lot of my friends I interact with on a regular basis.

I think that's so attractive. I think insecurities make you human. I hate cockiness, narcissism. Hide your insecurities to strangers, yes. But don't be afraid to reveal yourself to the right people. I think I hide my insecurities very well (at least to those who don't read my blog), but I wouldn't mind sharing them with someone who cared... with someone who asked.

I think that I love insecure boys who aren't afraid to share what they are hiding. I feel like they they don't mind letting you get close to them; in a way I find them stronger than confident boys who burying their insecurities so deep that their attractiveness only exists superficially: looks, intelligence, success. And it takes consistent prying to find out who they really are- good or bad.

I wrote about this before, but he put it in better words.. in his underwear.