I'll Be Around.

I woke up at 8:30... late for work.

I passed my dad on the stairway, "I have to go to your Aunt's." I nodded, I knew her cancer came back... I got ready for work in record speed. On the highway I got a text message. "Your Aunt is about to go..." I was right next to her exit and headed to her condo. "Family emergency," I notified the office.

I open her door without knocking because she has dogs that would bark up a storm. She was lying in the middle of her living room on a medical bed with a nurse and my dad, my aunts, uncles, cousins. I sat silently on an ottoman.

Her condo was decorated with various art and wine racks. Her daughter, my cousin put Jazz music on... "this is her Buddha Lounge Mix." I made eye contact with my cousin and she winked at me; I looked away. On the wall was a black and white photograph of my Aunt. The shadows from her window shade painted her face like stripes of a zebra. She was a model, an artwork to be photographed. I remember seeing it when I was a kid and examining it wondering what made it so nice.

I sat in front of my Aunt and her face was ghostly. She lost all her body weight and I could barely recognize her. She grasp the rosary in left hand her mouth was open struggling for air, breath after breath after breath...

My uncle was at the computer looking up churches. He made phone calls... "... already dead..." he said coldly. He had no more energy left in him to carry hope. He was the oldest of 8... his sister, my Aunt, resting behind him.

I stayed for an hour, but felt useless and depressed...lonely. My Aunt's god daughter, my cousin, wasn't there so I called her numerous times. To my right was a painting she made for our Aunt on a piece of wood. She was really proud to give it to her ... she visited my Aunt everyday this week, but where was she now? I called her house and no one picked up.

My family raised a lot of money for her at the benefit concert.... I thought the money was for my Aunt's medical bills, but actually it was for her daughter so that she can pay for the funeral. Her daughter, my cousin of many, was alone. She lived by herself, her dad is in Korea, she has no siblings... her mom laid before her while every one waited for her to pass; for her to stop suffering. For Christmas my cousin still gives gifts to the other Cousins. In 2005 she gave me slip-on shoes from Costco that I still wear. This year she made CDs... Playlists. ... Jazz. Music from a different generation, music that makes you snap your fingers, music that makes me fall asleep on the road... but music that makes me reflect. "If you need me now... I'll be around." Saxophones and drums instead of bells and whistles. ... I'll be around.

My other Aunts started to cry heavily. I handed them tissues and took a step back. I decided to go. I went to say good bye and my cousin rested her head on my Aunt's, her mom's, frail hand. Her eyes were closed and she started to cry silent tears and I quickly looked away. A familiar jazz song played in the background. "This is your favorite song Mom." I rubbed my chest with my hand in a downward motion as if physically massaging the skin that covers my heart will keep it from hurting anymore.