We Need to Be Surrounded by People We Think Love Us.

My cousins know I'm gay.

"Is he your friend? or your FRRRIIIEND?"
Apparently, my cousins were impressed by Monyrith. Charming and well dressed. And of course suspicion lined the air because Mony was at my Thanksgiving and family lunch.

I felt a sense of relief has been lifted after all these year. I can talk about things that are really on my mind to my cousins finally.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I felt more in tune with my cousins and the games we played after dinner were hilarious. A had to be there story: My cousin says, "can we at least say grace?" My other cousin responds, "YES! Can I get a Hallelujah?!" Everyone shouts "Hallelujah!" "Can I get an AMEN?!" I raise my hand as if I was at a gospel church. "AMEN!" The response was louder and after a couple of chuckles people dug in. It simulated a sitcom. You had to be there.

The turkey was two hours late, but I enjoyed a conversation with the guys. We talked about work and I felt like grown up talking about grown up things to people were about to get married or already are. I was transitioning out of the 'kid's table.' Granted I'll always return because that's where it's at. A number of hilarious things were said that night and it felt warm.



My other cousin vehemently told me that she felt that people are narcissistic. We DONT need to have children of our own blood to feel complete. We are narcissistic because people want "little clones" running around and that the "natural" "biological" need to reproduce and have a "conventional family" is complete bullshit. Adopting should be just fine and gay people should be able to enjoy their lives without such pressures placed upon them by society. I was amazed that she would have such a stand point. And in a way I felt as though she was letting me in on her thoughts as I obviously became more comfortable with mine.

But she IS right. We are narcissistic creatures and need to feel as though we are loved and that what we are doing in life is worth recognition.

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Before the Thanksgiving dinner at my house was my Grandma's memorial service. The house was full of 20 strangers reciting hymns for my grandma. And then they had a great Vietnamese lunch and left. My mom asked me what I thought. And I responded that it was nice. At that point I wondered if I should tell her how I really felt. There is a point where I should have respected what she was doing and kept my big mouth shut.

"If you want to know the truth Mom. I thought it was okay. These strangers in our house mean nothing to me and that my prayer and yours should be good enough! They don't know grandma, they mean NOTHING." She explained what she thought.

"That what you may feel, but you don't completely understand. I can't do this by myself Christopher, I am an only child. And it would be great if our family on dad's side was enough, but it's not. They don't know how to pray. Sometimes, we just need people to support us when we need them because sometimes the people that 'matter' are unavailable or incapable of providing what you need. They may be strangers, but their prayers DO mean something. It means a lot to me... that I have some sort of support. And I feel good that the room is full of people that support me... "

I remembered that morning how upset I was at my mom. I told her that I would be home late and I wouldn't be able to help much. I crashed at Mony's and came home at 8am to help prepare for the memorial. My dad told me she was upset. I was angry because if she needed me she should have called. I asked her who the food was for and she responded that it was for the service... and she started to cry. I thought she was being dramatic and I was pissed that she was angry that I wasn't home because I managed to complete the tasks in the morning. I dismissed her tears. But now.. I know why. She just needed me there to be with her. She needed support.... and apparently these strangers provided that comfort that I failed to provide. I am selfish... and my mom was alone.

Fuck me.
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