No Pictures, No Webjunk, Just What's on My Mind

I realized yesterday that I keep good contact with my gay friends in Berkeley. And I've heard over and over that a couple of people look up to me. And I feel really proud that I am worth something to be looked up to. But after realizing that, I realized something else about having someone to look up to... I realized that I longed for someone to check up on me sometimes.

You know? Like Earl or DuHoss or Evan. Someone older that I admire to call me up or AIM me to see how I was doing. Some sort of follow up after the usual warm welcome at Dragon or some gay function. Someone who was there during MY coming out experience and been there through my break up with Tofu to offer insight and comfort. But I guess, during those times I "didn't need anyone" to be my crutch because I acted like I could take care of myself. I am NOT a burden. And people who potentially were my gay mentors found other priorities.

I think it's important. Maybe to resolve my desire, I try to be encouraging and motivating and overbearing to younger people. And maybe I'm just being weak right now because I do have people that check up on me (sometimes) and I just want their attention RIGHT NOW. I guess you can call it the Older Sibling syndrome. I am not a burden, I can take care of myself and I will be your light if you need me there.

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I do I have a cheese problem. There was a little container of Parmesan cheese from yesterday's pizza sitting on my desk and I devoured it. Not sexy. I know what it tastes like, I don't need to eat it.

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Huan complimented me on my glasses: "stylish." I like being "stylish."
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I did the math.

My truck's mileage is 17 miles/gallon- (A quart of a tank to get to Berkeley and back)
Efficient cars like Honda Civic gets around 30 miles/gallon.
If gas is $3.30 and I drive 1,200 miles a month.

I would SAVE around $1,9oo a year with a more efficient car.
In 5 years I could afford to buy a car with the money I wasted on gas...

Should I buy another car? Insurance would be costly... but would it be $1,900's a year?
I think not.
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I realized that sculpted bodies are hot... but would I ever date anyone that was too hot to stand next to with out feeling inadequate? I guess, it depends if they hit on me. But, I'd feel so unworthy. For hook ups, I think that would be a requirement. If I were to have regretful sex, it needs to be with someone who was too hot to handle. Right? That would cancel out the regret. But to date, I like the voice, hair... and now smile... How typical. Peter from Texas showed me a couple of guys that he has dated and apparently he has a thing for Asian Greek Gods. WOW. That's too much man for me. I think that a cute smile is just enough over than any set of ABS.

There's this boy that I have a crush on. His smile lights the room. I know nothing about him, but that doesn't prevent me from wishing I did. When I saw him, it was awkward because I'm obvious (y'all know that) and when he left, I wished that whispered in his ear that I thought he was adorable. Maybe kiss him on the cheek and run away with my arms in the air before he punched me.

Sigh.