Integrity

I like to tell stories of when I make a fool of myself. Like at Michelle's house warming party where I corned a straight guy and he slipped under my barricade to "get a beer." I told Huan and he responded with his usual, "CHRIS!!" and laughed at the end. I gave my usual defense, "well, I'm never going to see them anyway." He stated, "it's not about never seeing them again, it's about your integrity!" He gave me an earnest smile and continued what he was doing.

My integrity? Let's look up the exact definition: adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.

Hm. I have moral principles, but I guess the point is I tell stories and talk as if I don't adhere to them. Or if I do, they're loose. It makes me wonder what others think about my integrity. Greg from Cal Q & A stated that he's "heard a million things [about me]." I wonder what percentage of those million things are negative. I wonder.... what it could be.

But now I realize that it seems like I don't hesitate to flirt with guys I find attractive. I poke them, message them, and apparently corner them seemingly without wondering if I make them uncomfortable. My biggest crushes are on straight guys and my scariest moments are with straight guys. But to me, it's all in fun, but maybe to others it may be too aggressive, too over the top. I remember at a frat party, I was pretty messed up. I was talking to some big white guy and I touched his scruffy cheek. To this he responded, "what the fuck are you doing?" I reply, "oh, um you're scruffy." And his voice gets scary, "Well then, say, DUDE, you're fucking scruffy, you don't have to fucking touch my face!" He was around 6feet tall and towered over me. I was really scared and probably pissed ejaculated a little (ask biology ppl about the flight or fight reaction and it's connection to the testicles.) Immediately, I left the party and literally ran home before I was a victim of a hate crime.

I remember declaring something at Michelle's party. "Oh I like to flirt, but if they don't want it, I back up. I'm very respectful!" I was referring to my recent attack on the straight guys at the party. I declared this to a roomful of people. I don't know if that helped my case. I was probably reassuring myself that I was doing nothing wrong.

I don't know how other's view my integrity or reputation for that matter. And I do believe I adhere to my principles for both gay or straight guys: if they don't want the attention, I'll back up (or run away with my hands in the air in complete embarrassment.) I'm really not that aggressive, but I guess could come off as creepy to others who don't know me when I don't mean to be. Though at the same time I don't see the harm in poking someone, flirting with them, telling them they're cute. But I guess, ignoring how uncomfortable they may become, corning them and touching their face is where I "cross the line."

But why not? It makes a good story and I make others smile through my foolishness. Sometimes we need to not worry about what other's think and just act on whim. One of my principles is honesty, so why not express what I really feel? That to me is having integrity.

I think you're cute... and I'm not afraid to show it.