Oh Western Medicine.

My doctor prescribed me accutane without knowing what that entailed.
(Accutane is THE Acne solution, but word on the playground is that it fucks up your liver and causes intense depression...)

"So Doxycycline didn't work?"
"Nope."

He made a pouty face as if he was in elementary school.

"I wanted to know your thoughts on accutane."
"I was just going to say something like that."

The doctor pulls out a book and reads to me the facts about accutane, which I could have read myself. "Stomach pains, dizziness, depression... suicidal thoughts... if that happens your friends would probably give me a call huh?" I chuckled... it was nice that he was lighthearted.

"Are you planning on getting pregnant?" My doctor has weird uncle humor.
"Nope!"
"Hmmm it says twice a day... doesn't say when."
"So.. breakfast and dinner?"
"Sounds good! Breakfast of champions!!" I think my doctor was on something.

"Alright!" He estimates how many milligrams I'm supposed to take based on my weight and does the math on a pad.
"Okay.. anything thing else?"
"Um... am I supposed to have monthly blood tests?"
He ponders for a second, "ooooo yes.. good idea." And he writes me a blood test slip to take a month later.

"So... um how much alcohol can I consume while on accutane?"
"Just don't go over board" He winks at me.
"So.. one drink."
"Two." He whispers while showing me two fingers and a creepy smile.

==

I went to the pharmacy.
"Did your doctor register you for the accutane program?"
"no... he just gave me this prescription."
"yeah... you need to enroll in a program and sign all these forms... you need to be more aware of the risks. Please call your doctor.

==

So apparently, my doctor hasn't prescribed Accutane "in a very long time." But I'm thinking he never prescribed it in his life. I was excited to bypass all the dermatology bullshit because it takes a month to even get an appointment... but... I guess the wait is worth not almost getting killed by malpractice.

Oh Western Medicine.

====

Joe keeps reminding me: When you're on accutane, you're going to be over analyzing everything. "why isn't he calling?! Why didn't they invite me?!? Why did he look at me like that?!?!?!" When he said this, I commented... so I guess most Gays are Already ON accutane..... DAHHH RAHHH MAAAA!!!!!!!!!! =.=