Sunday, December 2, 2012

Pink Elephant in the Room

"You shouldn't use the word 'friend' so lightly."

After getting over how attractive the actors are in this clip, this short for the 2012 10th Annual Taiwan LGBT Pride really resonated with me.  Though I'm more out to my family than Jimmy, I feel very much like Andy from this short.

A response to this video read, "I wish it was that easy."   No matter how accepting your family is there's still a coming out that you need to do to yourself.  At times I still feel ashamed.  Regardless of having many gay friends, doing gay things and basically spewing rainbows from all pores of my body - I don't feel, or will ever feel "normal" per se.

I'm feeling it now with really straight coworkers who talk about ex girlfriends.  They politely avoid asking me because I haven't made it clear that I was comfortable talking about my personal life.  In fact, it was so obvious when a coworker went around the table asking everyone who they were dating at a lunch.  When they finally got to me, they asked, "Are you still in Echo Park?"  Anyone who was paying attention would have noticed.  Polite/Considerate is the only description I can give to what happened.

The issue is - I do not want to impose/share my "unique" lifestyle on to them.  Much like being a pro-choice liberal lost in the deep south or conservative Republican in the Castro - you are silenced because you know that your beliefs, values cannot be shared by the majority that surrounds you.  It's like when you step out of your circle of like-minded individuals, you have a hard time connecting, relating... talking in general and you find it difficult/rude to insert yourself when you don't fit in.  So I'm silent.

Silent to my straight coworkers, silent to my family and the picture of me and Jimmy that sits so obviously on the homepage of my phone is just an image of me and my "friend" standing very close to me.  We can talk about something else that everyone can understand like food.

...and because of that, I feel like coming completely out to my family would not do any good.  Because the issues, feelings and events in my life will never be understood and I'm only asked for a brief moment out of courtesy.  They will never understand... would identifying the big pink elephant in the room improve the quality of my life?

And that's my problem...  it's a lack of pride in my gay beliefs, my gay values, my gay identity.  Walking shirtless at pride means nothing if I'm still telling my parents that I'm going "out" instead of going to a gay event...

...but at the same time I can't expect that all of a sudden I can share everything that I'm thinking feeling doing to every last detail 100% after coming out. Rather, when the giant pink elephant in the room (which at this point is taking up all the available space that no one can see anything else) deflates, I will no longer have to lie or be ashamed.

Fuck.  I can only imagine the amount of tears I would be in talking to my dad who comments all over my uncensored facebook.  At that point I would have finally come to terms with wanting to tell my dad how I love... knowing that he would hug me and tell me that he loves me because he had many years to prepare himself as the elephant kept growing ever since he found gay porn on my computer when I was 12.

I've procrastinated so long and just want my dad to come to me; like in the video.  But... it really isn't that easy is it?  Taiwan, you paint such a pretty picture, taking a different angle to coming out that puts me on edge.


Mr Lonely said...

great post about the pink elephant~

feel free to check out mine post about the pink elephant~ =D

tommy s. said...

I love that video! And good luck with coming out if/when you decide to do so. And I know what you mean, I feel like it is better to keep quiet than be open with people about personal things that they won't understand. In coming out though I've found that being gay doesn't have to be an uncomfortable subject and people are more understanding than I anticipated. Like my friends would ask "so how are the guys?" It might be weird at first but you and the people around you inevitably get used to it. Maybe I got lucky with my friends and with living in a rather liberal area. But I do know a few intolerant assholes and they keep their mouths shut around me.