Experiencing Growth

Today I walked the streets of Berkeley. I went to the new Walgreen's on Telegraph and then bought dollar noodles for brunch at the Asian Ghetto. Except, they were $1.50 now. And because of that reason, they weren't as good. So I boxed 3/4's of it back up and with no other destination other than ordering my transcript, my mind began to wander. I'm trying to figure out what's going on in my head. I wonder how many people I have disappointed in my life; how many expectations I failed to meet. How many friends I have "replaced" because they had served their purpose. But I won't focus on that because I'd be trying too hard to correct it. Tofu called me the other day from Japan, but only for a short while. So I ran to the 7-11 and bought a phone card to call him back.

It was nice; to be able to talk to him about what was going on and to share with him what I was feeling. And I feel like, that's one of the biggest losses I have experienced since his departure: his comfort and availability. I didn't realize how much I depended on him to listen to me and make feel better about petty things and life in general. And without that, I feel so closed off and sensitive; lonely and distant from everyone else. By not keeping myself busy, I am poorly adjusting. But I am making due and focusing on old San Jose friends, my health and my career. I am remembering how it's like to depend on myself and to experience life as an individual rather than a pair. This is probably the needed "growth" that I am experiencing.

Thursday was a good day. I worked out with Jane and caught up with her over Jamba Juice. I got a haircut and drove to n and k Tech and got a job offer that I will probably take. Then I drove to BevMo in Berkeley to buy drinks for people and though there was traffic, I was calm because I was talking to people about my job offer. I met up with Nick for Sushi and "the best Ice Cream in the world." He drove us to see Summer of Rice and I donated $2 for my entry. My friend from VSA asked me to donate for her and without hesitation, I put in an extra dollar in the box. She proceeded to walk in and I didn't hear a thank you. At that point, I realized I had been swindled by a hot girl. Even, I am a victim! But no matter, she was a good friend during the culture show, so it's no big deal. But I was amazed at my lack of hesitation. Oh boobs and the power they possess.

Theatre rice was pretty fun and it was great to see cool people in the crowd. I went to my first and last TR after party. According to Nick and Juan, it was surprisingly calm. I was just relaxing anyway. I crashed with John Viet and we talked about a couple of things. I feel old, outdated, and I that I don't belong anymore even though I just graduated. But that makes sense.

I'm debating whether or not I should stay here in Berkeley for another day. I feel like my reasons for staying are really shady. And I think I would be disappointed with myself if my intentions carry through about... but then again, it's all for fun and probably won't happen again. And if it doesn't happen, whatever. NSA.

Sorry for being vauge, but I'm sure you can figure out what I'm talking about.


Browsing downelink, I found motivation to work out everyday at 24 Hour Fitness:


The Goal has been set.
Tofu, you're going to get a pleasant surprise when you come back.