Monday, October 31, 2011

Sassy Chiropractor

I woke up with a stiff neck last Wednesday.  I couldn't turn my head, but I went into work anyway.  It was such a sharp pain that I found it difficult to back out while driving or fully look at my blind spot.

Even with Jimmy's Icy Hot massages and Korean Spa visit, I was still aching on Monday morning so I decided to see my first chiropractor.  My insurance covers most of it, so why not?

The doctor was a beef cake - wearing a grey muscle shirt and loose linen pants.  His hours - 10:30 AM to 1PM.  He seems to roll out of bed and leave his practice at his leisure. I felt weird when I saw him.  He stood 6'4 above me and brought his dog that was named Journey.  He also had this weird laugh that was like an office laugh, but permanent.

Without introducing himself to me, he reviewed my paperwork and asked me:
"Christopher, do you take any suppliments?"
"Yes... Trader Joe's Multivitmans."
"Garbage, you need this - Omega for your nerves and Vitamin D for Cancer, this IS VITAL."  He pulled out $30 jars that looked like they were a part of some pyramid scheme."  I passed.

"Is this your first time?"

He was working three patients at once.  An over weight guy was on the floor was stretching.  The doctor commanded, "superman pose, now. hold it.  30 seconds."  He looked back at me, "get on this water bed.  It's like a jacuzzi, but dry.  You'll love it.  You won't get wet of course."

I obeyed and lied on top of this amazing machine that massaged the kinks out of my back.  He put me on top of spinal decompression table and pulls my head with his magic hands that were the size of my face.  He tugged so hard, I thought he was going to decapitate me.  He dug his thumbs into my neck and massaged out knots. He place my face in his palm and asked me to put all of my weight in his hand... essentially to trust him.  I was so drugged by the experience that I didn't feel the need to protest.  He told me to breath in, then out and like that he twisted my head like Xena warrior princess making a HUGE cracking sound that would have alarmed anyone who passed by.

Amazing.  He repeated this in the other direction.  He then put me in some pretzel formation and with the hands of God he cracked every joint in my spin using all of his weight.  FACKKKKK.

He then put me on this machine that sent electric waves through my back set on strong.  It felt my palms open and close without my control.

He demanded to see me twice a week and said, "I care about you, you're attractive, let's make sure your back is good."  He touched me weird and let me off.  I left the office standing taller... and strangely my vision was better.

I just found his Myspace and picture.  Only in LA.  While trying to reschedule my second appointment, I told him that I stood taller and already mentioned him in the office. "You're cute.  You're a Doll," he responded.  Seriously weirded out since he mentioned a girlfriend who was "also Vietnamese."

Why didn't I go to a medical doctor?  Because he would have over drugged me like he did last time.  This is definitely better.


the immigayrant said...

Gosh. That chiro is such a hottie! Keep posting your encounters with him. Hehehehe...

thwany said...

this really makes me want to fix my posture. thanks for sharing.

Ryan said...

This reminds me that I have that LivingSocial coupon for a "deep tissue massage"

Alex C. said...

Looking at that picture, I would love to pay a visit to get readjusted.