A Convoluted View of Selfless Paradox

Like the episode of Friends when Phoebe tries to prove that selfless acts are possible, I fail miserably in my endeavor of trying to be a more humble person. Phoebe let's herself get stung by a bee to show that she was behaving without motives. She felt successful until she learned the bee died stinging her.


I am caught in a battle of semantics when I choose the words, "I can't" over "I don't want to." I convince myself that I have a fear when I merely have a disinterest. I define myself as opponent of exploiting my friends when I don't even offer to chip in for parking, gas... because I figure it will all come back to you in the end. But has it? Will it? I have convinced myself that I am poor so that I can avoid paying for a good time, a snack, or giving an extra dollar for tip so that no one else has to. I feel like a child when I drive myself to tears because I am caught in a place I don't want to be. I make myself believe that I recognize gifts by telling others that I owe them drinks when I haven't even initiated to first round. I focus on giving, but I don't hesitate to take, but when I refuse a gift from my parents, I am agitated when others recognize that they are spoiled and do nothing about it. Because I believe that I am better than them and by merely believing that.... I am not being very humble.


While making generous gestures, selfish explanations convince me that I have succeeded.

And recognizing failure does little to prove that selfless acts exist. But changing my personality and my behavior by "growing up" and "trying harder" is again, another way of convincing myself that I am trying to be better, but really... I am not.



Hairchive:

The Early Morning Comb over