Defend Myself.

Yesterday at Dinner with my cousins and some friends, I suggested we split the bill to make it easier. My cousin who I've noticed to be a bit pretentious looked me up and down surprised that I would make such a suggestion. "That's not the Christopher I know, I hope you're joking." Her tone was neither light hearted nor pleasant. I was offended. For years I looked up to her as an mentor only to realize, as I started to develop an opinion of my own, that she was still another cousin, an equal, that makes the same mistakes as me. But that didn't keep me from becoming sour the rest of the night. Apparently, splitting the bill was inappropriate.

Her comments kept pouring and her eyes pierced me as if I was her nemesis cheerleader on Bring it On. Her attitude was fierce and I folded over in my seat. "You know... he's my cousin, I HAVE to love him." It wasn't a half serious joke. It was a 3 quarter's serious comment and I couldn't look at her for 20 minutes into the dinner. I was embarrassed and hid under a rock, ashamed that she publicly announced that I did not meet her expectations. The tension grew thicker with my silence and her obnoxious friend egged her on. "He's scared of you." Yes, of course I am.

I look up to her, no doubt, but at times I feel as though her judgemental comments are made to reassure herself that she has control. It's as though seemingly confident people deal with a different set of insecurities because of expectations placed on them. As a result, they develop defenses that may rub others the wrong way in order to assert their authority. Her "humor" was hurtful, but she successfully established herself as the alpha-cousin at the table. And I couldn't brush her off because obviously her opinion means something to me; her words carried weight.

I wrote her an email saying that I was embarrassed and surprised that she would be so judgemental in front of friends and family. I turned to Mony asking for suggestions. He said, "It's your email, send it if you want." Dissatisfied by his "advice," I read his facial expression instead: "this is petty, don't let her get the satisfaction of knowing that you are so weak." Okay, makes sense. And then he gave me more information about what happened. I was embarassed enough to block the rest of what she was saying, but I should have paid attention. She said, "it's probably because he's been hanging with white people." Her white friends at the table ironically... ooooooo-ed as if it were an attack ONLY on me. She said "he" instead of "you" as if I wasn't there. She had made a fool of herself by making such inane and outlandish comments, but even her friends didn't know what to say. And I could have easily questioned her integrity... but I was weakened by her initial blows to realize.

It was as if she was subconsciously giving me a window to establish myself as adult. Fight back with words rather than cower in my seat. "Aren't your friends white? I think someone at this table is hatin' more than they should be." My rebuttal would have drawn more Ooooos from the spectators... and that would be that. I would have proven myself unaffected, worthy of being her equal; an adult sure of himself. But I chose to let her words offend me causing me to lose confidence.

She was testing me: I am 22, can I defend myself yet? If I can't from my own cousin, how am I expected to survive in a situation where "...but I love him anyway" is absent?

===================================================================

While on the subject of cousins, before we left for the restaurant, I was telling my other cousin about going to Sonic Burger and not being impressed. She reacted, "yeah! It's hella GAY!" Immediately I responded, "Wait, what? There are gay people there?" She corrected herself, "no no, I mean, you know what I mean." I responded, "yes, I know what you mean, you should choose a better word" and I told another story before embarrassing her too much.

Yes!

I am Vietnamese and I can't stop Smiling

San Jose's Vietnamese district building a name for itself

This article that Seyron sent was sort of empowering to me.

But what's interesting is the debate over the name of official Vietnamese District in San Jose.
The possible name of the area represents a lot about the community. And apparently, it's important enough that people speak their mind powerfully. Would people really stop supporting our Vietnamese councilwomen because she wants to be as impartial as possible?

Vietnamese extremest have a lot to be extreme about. They lost their home and family to a government that stole it all away. Why wouldn't they speak out passionately about erasing any sign of the old country that betrayed them?

But to me, in order to make things better in Vietnam is to pour knowledge into the country... and hopefully, its corruption would eventual fade as it succeeds in the modern world. Don't you think?

But as long as you don't call it "Little Ho Chi Minh" or "Vietnam War Town" it's cool with me.

===================================================================

Cal VSA Fall Showcase 2007 Trai Tim Mua Thu



This past Thursday I went to see the VSA Fall Showcase and it was brilliant! Cal VSA scrapped the controversial Date Action and brought back the showcase with a silent auction.

The vibe was pleasant and I felt like I was surrounded by family. At the Date Auctions, I felt embarrassed for the individuals "being sold." I felt dirty watching such a spectacle; people bidding on others "for a good cause." People yelling shit like, "take it off!" "check out this honey, she will give you the best massage," or "blah blah, if you know what I'm saying." Disgusting. It's because of the audience and the MCs that the date auction is so.... nasty. Otherwise, it would be a fun event for friends to make fun and donate to the community. But that's hard to manage. This showcase was a guaranteed success and everyone came out feeling proud, NOT EMBARRASSED of Vietnamese people.

Acts worthy of note: A cạo gió Interpretive Dance, Funny commericals, Hot Singing and Christine's spoken word.

If you don't know Christine, you should. Her spoken word: "I am not my hair." Made me realize that I define myself often by physically characteristics. Not to say, I'm going to stop because I love my hair too much. But of course, there's more to me than my sex appeal. HAHA. JK! It made me wish that I had done spoken word for the show about my Grandma and her meals and never appreciating her. Common topics I feel that a lot of people can relate to.. with a slide show! Ah, too late. But Christine told me to just write it down anyway. Spoken word should not be for a show, but for the self; it is important to stay genuine. Good spoken word are pieces written for only one person to hear, and those who experience a piece of someone elses' heart should consider themselves lucky. Yes.

Just to remind you, Vietnamese food is poppin'. (I had some French Vietnamese Fusion Cuisine for Lunch yesterday at ONYX. 5 Stars, people!)

I also love the ManDance, I mean Fan Dance, portion of the fusion hip hop routine. Cute, adorable, wholesome.. good times. And check out those young future leaders. Sexy. At then end was open mic and these kids who looked really shy started to beat box and pop & lock! DAMN. I wish I had a video, it was hot! At the end JV jumped on stage to sing a song. It was wonderfully silly! :D I loved it all.

And of course, there's Huan. I love that picture because he makes them Huan speeches that is appropriately in front of projected clouds. Reach for the SKY! Be proud of your heritage, yeah Huan. Yay VSA. Yeah John Viet. Foster community and remind people that there's A LOT to be proud of.

The Fourth Meal

Apparently hanging out also means EATING OUT! Here are a couple of dishes that I enjoyed this month during the "fourth meal." And NO, I didn't always go to Taco Bell, and yes, I am a fat fat man.

Some of the pics lead to their corresponding restaurant!

Recommendations: Pluto's Salad on Santana Row and Vung Tau II's Hu tieu nam vang kho (Vietnamese Speghetti) in Milpitas. Bolansa Dessert in Milpitas, my pee smelled like Mango the next day!

And.. Korean food has yet to impress me. What IS Korean food? BBQ and Kim Chi? Psh. Whatever. Someone introduce me to something authentic and impressive.

No Pictures, No Webjunk, Just What's on My Mind

I realized yesterday that I keep good contact with my gay friends in Berkeley. And I've heard over and over that a couple of people look up to me. And I feel really proud that I am worth something to be looked up to. But after realizing that, I realized something else about having someone to look up to... I realized that I longed for someone to check up on me sometimes.

You know? Like Earl or DuHoss or Evan. Someone older that I admire to call me up or AIM me to see how I was doing. Some sort of follow up after the usual warm welcome at Dragon or some gay function. Someone who was there during MY coming out experience and been there through my break up with Tofu to offer insight and comfort. But I guess, during those times I "didn't need anyone" to be my crutch because I acted like I could take care of myself. I am NOT a burden. And people who potentially were my gay mentors found other priorities.

I think it's important. Maybe to resolve my desire, I try to be encouraging and motivating and overbearing to younger people. And maybe I'm just being weak right now because I do have people that check up on me (sometimes) and I just want their attention RIGHT NOW. I guess you can call it the Older Sibling syndrome. I am not a burden, I can take care of myself and I will be your light if you need me there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I do I have a cheese problem. There was a little container of Parmesan cheese from yesterday's pizza sitting on my desk and I devoured it. Not sexy. I know what it tastes like, I don't need to eat it.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Huan complimented me on my glasses: "stylish." I like being "stylish."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I did the math.

My truck's mileage is 17 miles/gallon- (A quart of a tank to get to Berkeley and back)
Efficient cars like Honda Civic gets around 30 miles/gallon.
If gas is $3.30 and I drive 1,200 miles a month.

I would SAVE around $1,9oo a year with a more efficient car.
In 5 years I could afford to buy a car with the money I wasted on gas...

Should I buy another car? Insurance would be costly... but would it be $1,900's a year?
I think not.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I realized that sculpted bodies are hot... but would I ever date anyone that was too hot to stand next to with out feeling inadequate? I guess, it depends if they hit on me. But, I'd feel so unworthy. For hook ups, I think that would be a requirement. If I were to have regretful sex, it needs to be with someone who was too hot to handle. Right? That would cancel out the regret. But to date, I like the voice, hair... and now smile... How typical. Peter from Texas showed me a couple of guys that he has dated and apparently he has a thing for Asian Greek Gods. WOW. That's too much man for me. I think that a cute smile is just enough over than any set of ABS.

There's this boy that I have a crush on. His smile lights the room. I know nothing about him, but that doesn't prevent me from wishing I did. When I saw him, it was awkward because I'm obvious (y'all know that) and when he left, I wished that whispered in his ear that I thought he was adorable. Maybe kiss him on the cheek and run away with my arms in the air before he punched me.

Sigh.

Is my Vietnamese THAT Bad?!

I just came back from lunch and I was all excited because I found a VERY local Bún bò Huế place.

I ordered their specialty and asked for just pork meat NO beef surprises; he was confused. I said it in both English and Vietnamese (I hope) and guess what he brought out. You guessed it. NO PORK and JUST the Parts of the Cow that are scary and Alien! OMG: Blood Cubes, Tendon, Flank! So I had to pick it all out and there was not a single piece of meat to be enjoyed. My Bún bò Huế experience was ruined.

To top it off, the spoons were too shallow for me to do the broth noodle thing AND it was glossy so the noodles slipped right out. (EDIT: according to my friend, I was wrong. surprise: Go here to read about different foods!)

Good lord. Never again.

Just like that time I ordered: Phở Tái, Bò Viên (Pho with beef slices and meat balls) but they brought out Phở Tái bỏ riêng (Pho with beef slices raw on the side.) But that was a fortunate mistake because it was delicious and the meat was softer.

AND THEN, This bitch almost hit me when she had a stop sign. I had to gesture for her to go because she was staring at me like a deer in headlights. And she went WITHOUT an apologetic hand raise! People.... raise your hand to show some humility. AND get my order right. Sigh.

WebJunk: Free Rice
I found Facebook NOTES to be a wonderful source of interesting things.

Check out: http://freerice.com/index.php To enrich your vocabulary and feed the hungry. Check out: http://laist.com/2007/11/12/ghetto_gourmet.php#more For the Ghetto Gourmet. An underground Chef society!

AHH! So Cute

I have the best Dad.

My dad was a part of a popular band when he was younger and they performed in multiple night clubs doing everything from Vietnamese songs to 80's pop. Play that Funky Music Viet BOY!

Don't believe me? Check it out.

That's him in the Green

Catch him dance on the Right!


Here's my dad rapping in Vietnamese. He's the second guy sitting.

And if you're Vietnamese you'll probably seen my Uncle on Paris by Night.
or own a USING ALONG Vietnamese Karaoke laser disk with my Family on it.

But.. after everything, he's still my dad and he is the best dad
...because he's now a drafting engineer.... so he can support his family.

What Do I Really Look Like?

I have in my external hard drive a folder titled: Conceited 2003.
Inside are 130 pictures of... you guessed it. Me.
Partially embarrassed, I realize that most of these images make great hairchives for your enjoyment.

Hairchive: The Actors


Hairchive: The Pointy


Hairchive: The Creepy


Hairchive: The Sea Monster


Hairchive: The Ear Ring

Hairchive: The Embarrassing Prom Date

I really do look different photo to photo. In the end, no one really knows what I look like. By merely changing the lighting or ANGLE, I become someone else. And people who have never met me make different assumptions about my personality depending on the picture.

This is the picture I had on XY.com back in 2003. When I met up with the guy... he told me I looked nothing like the picture. Apparently, this isn't uncommon.

But what's more interesting is this phenomenon called the Myspace angles. You will understand once you visit Myspace Angles & More. Some people have mastered the technique of knowing what angels are in their favor when taking a picture. While on downelink, I found this guy. He is also aware of the magic of angles. Take a look for yourself:

That's why photography is an Art... You can transform yourself and create different alter identities by changing angles/context... In addition to lighting and angles, your identity can also be transformed by hair! ;) But whats important is people perceive the real you and what you really look like comes through when they get to know you.

In other news, I went swimming today. Below are my goals.

I'm impressed with my pecs, they are coming along nicely.