Gays from 18-31

On Saturday I attended a downe party in Saratoga and many observations were made because I felt left out, I was still sick from the night before and/or I was stressed from driving the windy roads. We literally drove up the mountain, then down with no assistance from street lights or curbs to keep me from falling off the cliff. Everyone in my car was also stressed.

It's interesting to me how all these guys knew each other for at least five years hanging outside of Dragon. They were roommates and best friends and with every familiar face that walked through the door was another burst of flaming excitement. And of course they recognized each other from that notorious website.

These guys looked good. Arguably the best looking guys hand selected from each university. If we did role call I bet every UC was represented. And most of them had bright futures; some in Med School, Law or Psychiatry or already had prestigious jobs at Lockhead Martin or Google. The guy hosting the party was 31 and he took inventory through pictures when each group walked into his house. Proudly recording his own network of friends of friends of friends.

I imagined all the girls that would have been sad to attend. "He's gay too?" I'm sorry dear, everyone in the room, except one, is gay. And yes, they are all gorgeous but essentially the same person. 5'7, spiky hair athletic build, intellectual, fashionable, successful, friendly and witty; in their prime and sexually liberated. I exaggerate you not. I'd say 55% of the 80 guys that walked in were fairly attractive, which is pretty good considering.. but I guess it's their personalities that make them that much more great; sorry ladies.

DuHoss came in with Eric from Berkeley. "Chris, have you met Eric?" "Yup, he goes to Berkeley!" DuHoss wasn't suprised that I knew him already. Of course. But I could sense his disappointment when he thought he had introduced someone new to the scene. I talked to DuHoss about Tofu. He wasn't as suprised as I thought he would be. "You guys will definitely be different people in one year." That's the hope. He was 1 year and 4 months in with his long distance boyfriend. Yes. Bryan, out of everyone deserves all of it.

I met about 10 guys... August? Kong? Cliff? It's easy to met people because everyone is welcoming for one reason or another. Their faces blurred together. I decided to let them track me if they even remember me... but of course they do because they've browsed the site, danced at the night clubs and we all have at least 5 mutual friends. "Where did I meet you?" I didn't bother to say they were familiar and just assumed that I already met them... and I was usually right. "Oh! Leo's party, I know Sigmund, I met you last night at Dragon." I'd asked them what they did... and nothing else came from the conversation. My charm was out of gas apparently as I realized that I should focus on the circle of friends that I currently have.

By the end of the night I was exhausted from trying. I talked to a friend I've known for a while. I was sparked by a question and asked with out hesitation.
"So how do you know these guys?"
"Hmm, I either broke their heart, made out with them, dated them or just had casual sex." He was playful, but honest in his response. I asked how many of the guys in the room he made out with. "...2...6...15." I proudly declared that my magic number was 2. I wanted to draw a map in my head connecting all the hook ups. I imagined a big blurry ball of lines. I guess, if you had one, you've had them all. I noticed the multiple bedrooms in the house. My minute desire to flirt or make new friends continued to deplete.

Once in a while there was a loud cheer from the kitchen. I looked over to see a large group of "best friends" doing shots together. I considered them to be a generation of gays above mine that I never really knew. One year apparently makes a difference. If I tried, I could have been a part of it too; raising my glass in the air celebrating the good times and shared experiences. But instead, I was sober, pensive and began to appreciate the friends that I'm closer to; that I actually have phone numbers for... and yes, I did feel left out.

Though, I'm still glad I came because I am still a part of the community and it was nice to see familiar faces in the same room... partying as their age counts down...21, 22, 23...27...29. Everyone conscious and worried that time is running out and that they can't do this forever.




Because I know you guys miss it:

Hairchive: The Modern

General Updates

I've been asked, "hows life?" And I realize that it's almost the end of October and I have nothing interesting to say, but here are a couple of updates.

My skin is getting a little better, but it doesn't seem like it will be perfect by December; which was my goal. It doesn't heal at all and I can note every mark on my face from break outs dating back two years ago. I don't know why it's on my mind so much since my "personality shines above it." I don't know. I just get sad when I look in the mirror.

The VP of my company told me that in December, I will be helping with some accounts in Korea and Europe! Score! Maybe I'll stay here longer than I intend to, especially since it's easy and I get paid pretty well for the type of work that I do. I know I have potential to do better, but maybe I should focus on being the best at this small company first. Also, we are moving to an office that's closer to my house! No more phone conversations in traffic :(

This week, I've worked out everyday. I've even gone with my mom. I no longer need to show my id because the boys recognize me. *giggle* I love meeting up with Jane and talking about our lame ass lives. How she gets hit on and how I almost get hit on. How women can get anything and how gays are shady. Imagine two hens on the elliptical that won't stop squawking for thirty minutes. That's us. I felt sort of proud of my body, until someone said, "I can tell when you stood up [that you're not that fit to show off]." ... ironic.

My brother's been picking up the pace! He raised his grades and declared that he wants to go to college. I sat him down and said, "look, I think I've been putting too much pressure on you. People go to college at different times, and you need to be ready for it and want it for yourself. Not for me, or mom or dad. It's your choice." He responds that college is indeed something that he wants to do. Yesterday, he showed off the notes he took.

He comes to my room from time to time with nothing to say. He just visits me, asks me what I'm doing and leaves. "Oh reading blogs," I say. Of course, I was reading gay porn blogs, but he knocks so I can hide that. He's growing up a little more and that makes everyone happier. I also told him to be nicer to mom and dad. "Why do you have to make life so difficult? I don't want to come home to find everyone pissed at each other. I'd rather go back to work." He smiles. "You have to play the game, make the right decisions now and everyone will be happy. So take a chill pill dude. Stop being so rude." He acknowledges me. My parents are grateful. I tell them they're fools. Just kidding. But honestly, they don't know how to take control. When he's rude, you have to be playful, "oh hello McRude, are you hungry?" Just be light hearted, understand that he's rude and don't let it affect you. And don't be so dumb, "oh can I go on the Internet? I have math homework." Come on ppl.

Now for some cartoons:

More: http://www.lefthandedtoons.com/

The One Thing I Regret Not Doing at Berkeley

Driving to work during this Halloween Season I started to regret what I didn't do before I graduated from Berkeley:

I regret not organizing a zombie attack at the DC on Halloween. 30+ people in ripped and bloody clad attacking unsuspecting diners. I imagine it working like clockwork. The lights would go off in the campus' largest dining facility: Crossroads and people would be confused. Fog rolls in and erie noises are heard. Students wondering if they should move from their spot. Suddenly a swarm of creatures entered from all areas. Their bodies limp and eyes hungry. A woman's scream breaks the confused silence and ATTACK! The zombies go for civilians... biting necks and throwing food and when you think the madness is over... something familiar plays over the loud speaker... CUZ THIS IS THRILLER!!!!!!! The zombies jump on the tables and do the dance! Some people start doing the dance too. The lunch lady! YEAH! And me leading the pack! Everyone in perfect rhythm. And when the song is over, the zombies disperse... and people laugh uncontrollably at the spectacle.

GOD. WHY DID I NOT PLAN IT! I'VE DREAMT OF IT SINCE FRESHMAN YEAR!
Oh the regret that lingers in my body and it would have been PERFECT on my resume.

Discipline

My mom told me about how her dad, my grandpa treated her when she was 14.

In the morning she would wake up early to go to French school because my grandpa dreamed that one day she would make a better life for herself in France. Afterward, she would spend time in regular school and then Martial Arts at night. It was impossible for her to do homework even though the consequences were high.

My grandpa told her that she needed to rank at least 15 in her class of 50, but when she was working toward her black belt she couldn't do it. Her report card came in and she ranked 30. My grandma hid the report so that my grandpa wouldn't beat her. But he was smart. He asked for it and my grandma had to give it up. Defending my mom say shouted, "what do you expect from her?! She's only 14! How in the world is she supposed to rank so high when you keep her busy." My grandma ignored the defense. At the sight of the number, he immediately grabbed an electric cable from the general store that they owned to whip my mom. "Are you trying to kill her?" My grandma shouted once again. My mom just earned her black belt I remind you and dodged the cable. Instead, it lashed my grandma's leg black and blue. My mom hid upstairs while my grandpa and grandma had a silent argument for a month.

Scared for that month, she skipped dinner until my grandpa out of guilt came up to the third floor where she was hiding and scolded her to eat.

I remember other stories about my mom when she was young in Vietnam. She had a dog that bit her by accident. My grandpa was so upset that he beat the dog and left it to die in the yard.

You think you know everything, but there is so much to be learned from those who've experienced things that you can't even imagined happened.


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Custom Cakes from Walmart

A custom cake was ordered for a going away party for a woman that is leaving a company in Arizona.

One of the supervisors called a Walmart and ordered the cake. He told them to write: “best wishes Suzanne” and underneath that write “we will miss you”. Here’s the cake that was delivered:

Faith

Every time he drives his car, my coworker does the sign of the cross, touches his lips then touches the rosary hanging from his rear view mirror. Every time.

I remember when I was younger, I was encouraged to pray before bed for having a good day. My mom and dad would sit upright in their bed with their eyes close for about 2-3 minutes, uninterrupted by me or anything that isn't life threatening.

At church, I would say the same prayer in my head: "Sorry God for not paying attention. Church is very boring, can you do something about that? Maybe some gospel? Okay, well bless my family and my friends they mean a lot to me and thank you for the great life you have given me, I am very lucky." And then snack on the body of Christ, but without chewing of course.

I'm a bad Catholic, but I figured, my parents were good Catholics and therefore, nothing bad could happen to their son because that would be misfortune on them. How selfish of me. But that doesn't mean I escape religion completely, I'm just not that motivated. I go to church for the singing to show off that I have a decent voice compared to the vocal monsters in the crowd. I try to harmonize with my dad and zone out for the rest of the hour.

I do pray before long trips or rainy car rides or when I'm scared. And recently, since my car shakes violently if I drive over 60, I touch my own rosary that is hidden behind my air freshener. I think it's a common human element to do such things. I "knock on wood" very often and I'm sure others have their own methods to ensure their safety. Having faith that everything is going to be ok is what makes people move forward and it's a security that we can't live with out. And because we are often on our own, with out faith that there's something to look forward to, I don't think anyone can do what they do now.

What do you do to remind you that things are okay?

Downe Community: Fostering Sexual Babylon or Supportive Network for Personal Growth?

I love my drive in traffic because I'm allotted time to catch up and talk about interesting things to various people. Today, I talked to Seyron about our community.

Earlier that day I recieved an email regarding the "downe identity" as a workshop.
I responded:

Hey,

Check out this blog: http://areyoudowne.blogspot.com/
Though it's in need of much updating, it should be somewhat interesting to your endeavor of the downe identity.

Since I can't be there on Sunday I'd like to offer insight.

As you may have read on wikipedia or urbandictionary, you can conclude that the identity downe ties into being gay and an ethnic minority. Though it implies being on the "down low," recent communities have adopted that term as a sort of empowerment.

Because being Gay also has a "white majority" culture, being gay and ethnic has a completely different definition. And therefore a need to define that identity is some what resolved.

At times, many individuals of color find themselves lost because they don't identify with gay white, queer as folk culture. But they may with an identity that has been recently created. A growing community that needs fostering in order to make coming out and self respect easier to achieve. At the same, by being a fairly new identity, individuals are able to mold the term to fit their personal needs. Therefore, downe is not as concrete or easy to define. My definition is different than yours. Furthermore, subcommunities have their own definitions- Black people who identity as downe, Pilipinos, South East Asians, Lesbians, etc. But the important thing to realize is that it enables us as a sort of underground community to come together in some commonality. It is a support system that makes being gay and being a part of an ethnic group, (a double minority) less of a challenge when you know there are others in the same situation; with same experiences. And in essence learning from each other, making mistakes, and being friends... growing as people and loving each other's company; it is a movement that empowers those who are often oppressed by expectations and stereotypes. And it's a safe space that these individuals can easily claim as their own.

I love it all,

Chris

But like I said, my optimistic view of the community does not hold true for others. To many, it's a network that fosters promiscuity. Of course, those behaviors exist in the individual, but "because of the social environment, they are augmented." This got me thinking. Is it to say that temptations circle around the social nature of the community that I regard as a support system is in actuality an open opportunity for easy hook ups? I guess I've blocked that from my mind since I place everyone I know in the "friend zone" except for hot straight boys that want nothing of it.

I wonder how many people hooked up after the red or blue party. I surely didn't. But quite possibly because I consider myself to be in a stage where hooking up is not as appealing as it once was before. But again, that lays within me, as I claim complete control of my decisions regardless of the behavior that surround me.

So could you really say, that removing yourself from 'such an environment' would keep you from being promiscuous? Though difficult, I feel that if it's "in your system"you would find other ways to fill those 'biological urges.' Right? No matter where you are. It's more about the self; the maturity level of the individual that determines what they decide to do no matter the environment they're in. But I guess being surrounded by delicious Asian goodies... hahahah Right... where hooking up is a norm, making friends is also making quickies and making out with strangers at parties is expected means you are in an environment that IS indeed fostering this sort of behavior even though it's out of mere fun. But, tell me about a gay community that is devoid from all flirtatious behavior... and for that reason alone, many individuals keep themselves away, desire to escape or refuse to identify. Which is sad since there is absolutely much more to be obtained from the community than sex with no strings attached.

And as an individual in that community, I guess what's important to me is not fighting temptations but rather focusing on what's important, being honest, and not regretting what I did the morning after.