Constructive Negative Feelings

On Friday, I felt an overwhelming sensation of loneliness. Not because it's spring and I desire LOVVVe... that's whatever. But a ... I miss having, a homeboy, a wing man, saying "that's my BOIIII" sort of loneliness.

I don't like having to jump from friend to friend so often. I like having a clique, a best friend. I feel like I have become, in general, a peripheral friend, an after thought. I think this is due to the fact that I've been going to things by myself... such as graduation parties.

I took that negative energy and decided to be productive. I scanned my music library for songs on loneliness and drafted a script for an awesome EMO music video for youtube involving getting out of bed, scrolling jobs and walking my dog. I began to laugh at myself. Loneliness is such a common, normal feeling... i reassure myself.

And for some reason about 5 (magic number) of my friends contacted me about their loneliness about them moping around for some reason or another. SO I had an impromptu Resident Evil Party that involved screaming and "back seat game playing" until 2AM.

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So... I've met a couple of folks. They asked me where I went to school and I said Berkeley and they go... "Ohhh Sorrrrryyyy."

WTF?! Is it the way I'm saying it? I'm just going to say a UC next time. God.

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I just accused my parents of being irresponsible. And then I broke down.

I'm thinking that I've let everything that I'm not happy with build up. I refuse to mope. I refuse write as if I am mad at the world. I refuse to let myself be consumed with needless negativity. And the moment I felt abandoned by my family, I broke down.

"Irresponsible is a very strong word Christopher, it was our fault, but you don't have to right to accuse us of that with this one incident." I turned around and walked away before my parents became confused at my reaction... When I got my DUI, my parents didn't accuse me of irresponsibility.

And I absolutely have no right to feel this way... once again my life is an apple pie. I feel a little ungrateful, ridiculous, childish. But I guess, I just needed to let some bottled up feelings go...

...because, that's natural.