Sin City Poster

Ryan shared with me a link:
http://www.escrappers.com/sincity.htm




Coolness

A Convoluted View of Selfless Paradox

Like the episode of Friends when Phoebe tries to prove that selfless acts are possible, I fail miserably in my endeavor of trying to be a more humble person. Phoebe let's herself get stung by a bee to show that she was behaving without motives. She felt successful until she learned the bee died stinging her.


I am caught in a battle of semantics when I choose the words, "I can't" over "I don't want to." I convince myself that I have a fear when I merely have a disinterest. I define myself as opponent of exploiting my friends when I don't even offer to chip in for parking, gas... because I figure it will all come back to you in the end. But has it? Will it? I have convinced myself that I am poor so that I can avoid paying for a good time, a snack, or giving an extra dollar for tip so that no one else has to. I feel like a child when I drive myself to tears because I am caught in a place I don't want to be. I make myself believe that I recognize gifts by telling others that I owe them drinks when I haven't even initiated to first round. I focus on giving, but I don't hesitate to take, but when I refuse a gift from my parents, I am agitated when others recognize that they are spoiled and do nothing about it. Because I believe that I am better than them and by merely believing that.... I am not being very humble.


While making generous gestures, selfish explanations convince me that I have succeeded.

And recognizing failure does little to prove that selfless acts exist. But changing my personality and my behavior by "growing up" and "trying harder" is again, another way of convincing myself that I am trying to be better, but really... I am not.



Hairchive:

The Early Morning Comb over

July Recap

Many eventful things happened in July and good thing Aaron had a camera!

Failed Attempt at the Mystery Spot Leads to Successful Bear Pong and Kings Night.

Rule: Only British Accents. My dad calls me up and I obeyed the rule, contagious laughter followed.

Aaron stayed at his sister's temporary Condo. That means free access to a pool!

I have a projector and decided to project Maragaret Cho on my garage door while having Margaritas! It was brilliant!

There was a lot of Karaoke in K-town. But I was upset because they didn't make the CD they promised! But never will be as fun as the Karaoke with Dina, Michelle and Gabe!


We had Vietnamese Sandwiches on the Foothills before Alysia left.

There are many memories on that hill.

Six Flags Road Trip: Amazing Rollarcoasters that for the first time made me feel like I was flying.

Santa Cruz Beach Board Walk

Alyisa scraped her heal and we all chipped in a quarter so that Diana can ride one more rollarcoaster with us. Hehe.

....and of course, a Hairchive

Hairchive: The FOB

So many mistakes, so little time.

I was shopping with Alysia and I heard this song at American Eagle.
It's fun, reminds me of Diana music.

Empty Handed

Yesterday, I was awaken by a phone call from the company I applied for, a small manufacturing firm in Santa Clara for a Sales Associate (Business to Business) job. They asked me if I was available for a phone interview at four in the afternoon. I agreed.

My dad asks me if I wanted to go to the Egyptian Museum with him and I said yes because I never spend time with him. As we took pictures and explored the artifacts that were probably stolen from Egypt by American Archaeologist, I remembered how much my dad LOVES Egypt. He has a couple of pieces decorating the house. It was his birthday the next day and I wanted to find something, but he bought what he wanted from the museum store.

He drove me home for my interview and I prepared myself. Though, I didn't prepare myself too well because I really wanted the CNET job in Project Management over this, but regardless, I NEEDED A JOB. After getting a glass of water, I had my answers ready and locked the office door behind me. They did not call me until an hour later and by then I had gotten really anxious.

When they had finally called, I discovered that I should have prepared better. I was a bit too modest and my answers were shaky. They asked for my GPA, I lied and said 3.2 and immediately gave an excuse about wanting to experience more than just studying all day. The lady on the other end sensed my embarrassment and reassured me that a 3.2 at Berkeley was nothing to be uncertain about. Great, the interview was already going horrible. Then I heard a beeping noise. My dad was trying to call me and I couldn't shut it off. I became distracted and flustered and it probably showed. My answers were all wrong and they didn't cater to the position. Failing to pick up, my dad calls the house phone. It rings off the hook next to me! I become agitated. After only 15 minutes the the recruiters did not need to hear any more from me and told me they'll contact me. I felt like I failed. I yelled to anyone who could hear me. WHY!?! God you knew I had an interview! I probably didn't even make it to the next stage.

My dad came home and asked how my interview went. I said horribly because there was an incessent beeping noise in the background. He nonchalantly said sorry, but made an excuse: no one was picking up their phones and he had figured I had already finished interviewing. He asked me back, isn't there a way to turn it off? I sneered at him, "NO! there isn't!" He said nothing more. No encouraging words to make me feel better. No other words of apology. I did not sense a feeling of remorse. I got more angry that he didn't even care that he fucked up my interview. But in actually I was just blaming him because I probably fucked up regardless of the distraction.

I told my mom that he didn't even feel bad that he ruined my interview and that pissed me off. She reassured me that he felt really bad; she could tell by the way he's moving. She explained that his family was not doing too well. Cancer, divorce, loss... his support from his brothers and sisters was falling apart and I fell into shame because I was so selfish that I didn't pause to think about all the shit that he has to deal with on a regular basis, and tomorrow (now today) is still his birthday and like usual, I am empty handed.

My Cousin

This morning I helped my cousin put things into boxes. I enjoy talking to her and seeing her; she reminds me to humble myself. As I put her memories away, I notice her treasures from Vietnam and Cuba. I compliment the art on her walls and she tells me stories of her personal relationship with the artist. I ask her about the jobs that she's had in her life and she tells me that her favorite place to work was at a pizza place in San Francisco. She encourages me to visit her because she really isn't doing much at home and we can go hiking. She found a diary of hers when she was 16 and red aloud her personal entries about a crush that she had in high school and how he left her at Winter Ball because his uncle had passed away. Later on, he became a fireman and passed away too.

She gave me books to borrow because she found them interesting and I proudly took them off her hands. She made me sandwiches from focaccia bread, pastrami, Dijon, and some green leaf. It tasted organic. She talked about her future plans away from the bay area. She let me take a piece of her life with me with every question that I asked her and told me that you cant depend on others if you want to do something. She tells me about how she listens to music in the park by herself because it's too difficult to coordinate with others, but she sits and enjoys where she's at. She tells me that bad grades are something you can live with, but finding a passion is very important in life even if it takes a long time.

She tells me that she wants to get a tattoo to remind herself that she is worth everything she deserves. And she says this while petting her obedient dog who has peed on every inch of carpet she owns and that's why she needs to replace the floor. As she talks to me, I notice how beautiful she is and how she looks latino even though she's not. She tells me how she donated bone marrow and wonders what the ethnicity of her donor-ee was, but never found out because they had passed away despite her gift to them. I found an old Metro which is a weekly entertainment guide for Silicon Valley. She told me she kept it because it lists the best Vietnamese restaurants in the south bay. She gave me a warm hug when I had to go and her dog followed me out the door until she called for him.



My cousin is beautiful.

Friend

I told a good friend of mine that I have a lot of superficial friends. Frustrated he says, "A friend to you is Ignia, *SCOFF*" He continues to define me, "YOUR definition of a friend is different from 75% of what everyone else thinks." He later explains that he was frustrated because he believes that I don't give my friends at Berkeley enough credit.

Maybe I don't. But is it so wrong of me keep my distance when no one tries to get close? And when they DO get close enough for me to consider them my good friend, there's always a chance that they'll back away because it's no longer convenient or worthwhile for them to continue.

My close friends from home are in a group called Ignia. They define respect, regard, and trust. So, I am offended when I am scoffed at for putting them above everyone else.

I have close friends at Berkeley who have been there for me, who I trust and respect and care about, but they're rare and even some of them come in and out of my life. Even though only 25% of everyone agrees with me, I will always believe that a good friend is hard to come by. BUT if people invite me, communicate with me and try to get close to me, I am more than happy to be obliged, but it takes more than that to consider them a good friend.

Hairspray

Hairspray is the gayest movie ever.
But it was fun... because gays are fun.
OH, and Hairspray explains how America became a "colorblind society."
It's so simple!

Hairchive: The Gay