High Expectations

Last night my senses were heightened.

We were listening to utada's 'simple and clean' and for some reason she sounded amazing. Her lyrics oozed from the youtube clip with such conviction... "please... don't go." I found a stale piece of cheese in the fridge that should have been thrown away, but instead, I microwaved it and it was the best cheese I have ever fucking had in my entire life! And SOMEHOW JV teleported behind me with a cup of noodle in his hand!

Only in Berkeley.
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I'm a bit tired. Yesterday was my fourth bone marrow drive. My fourth day dealing with damp food stained cotton swabs from people's mouths.

The drive at the Southeast Asian Graduation Ceremony wasn't as successful as I thought it would be. I day dreamed of registering all 600 people attending, but we managed to get a fraction. As I tried to out reach, I realized that it was difficult from the beginning; the committee concerned that the drive would take away from the ceremony. I was stepping on egg shells and trying to be as respectful as possible. During the drive itself I was reminded that people are less receptive to care about people that they are not attached to.

I made an announcement that I imagined to be a bit powerful, but as I practiced it over and over hours before, it became too rehearsed and its emotional flare dissolved.

I've learned the kindness of strangers and the test of friendship when people that I didn't even know showed more concern about me than a couple of people that I considerED my friends.

After my announcement, I walked by each table in the room asking people to register. Adults had a glazed looks, kids were making jokes and my goal of getting pass 100 registered dwindled. Even though I threw in key words like, "community, family... " even though I "urged everyone to ask questions, keep informed," in my speech and received a respectful applaud at the end, only a handful seemed to be willing to listen. Of course, they were here for a graduation ceremony, not to save a stranger.

But on the flip side a fair number of people told me they registered and wished me good luck... generousity was shown by many strangers who approached the booth to learn more and to register and many of MY friends who registered "for me" because they "care about me" got more of my respect...thank you so much...and folks were generally positive. Almost 50 were registered and out of that 50... someone could be a match. I should be thankful that SEA Grad even let me host a drive.

I just wanted to beat the Club One turn out of a 102!
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The day before I helped at Delta Sig's drive. Amazingly, 80 registered (out of the 2000 individuals invited on thefacebeook). It made me smile to see that they had the support of the entire fraternity. I also was driven by other motivated members of Team Michelle! I was saddened that only a couple of kids from my community showed up.

It was the end of the year. Maybe I just had too much expectation. I guess.. I just needed more familiar faces to give me hope... hope for myself, hope for my cousin.

I made some calls from my network of friends to urge them to come to the drive, but most of my calls were ignored. Except from a boy that I've been crushing on for two years.

He told me he would come.. and he did. He asked me about my cousin, he asked me about how I was doing. He was warm and friendly even though he knew that I had a crush on him. He did not let that affect our friendship.

As I walked away with my signs he said, "chris.. wait... what happens if you don't find a match?"

I explained that she would have to go through more chemo and there is ONLY so much chemo your body can take. He had a glossy look in his eyes. "I hope everything is okay, Chris." He really cared and gave me a nice tight long hug. I knew there was a reason why I crushed on him besides from his cute face.
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I've been asked if Michelle really is my cousin. And I answer: Yes. Because she's been there for my family and for me personally.

A couple of months back, she called me up randomly to ask if I was okay. I reassured her that I was well... but found myself calling her back 10 minutes later only to release a lot of pain that I had been experiencing. Pain that I don't share with others because of a promise and because it's the sort of pain that you don't share with just anyone.

Michelle and her boyfriend Van (my blood cousin) spent time fixing my resume. They made time for me and made me feel as if I was worth something.

And Michelle had always held her hand out... just incase I needed help. So.. if you ask me if Michelle really is my cousin. Then... I tell you that she is. And I'm on a mission to save her.

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Sally told me it was great to see me back in my element; in a place where I was informing people about something I cared about... it made her smile to see passion back in my eyes that had been absent for so long.

...Being laid off really is a positive thing... I'd rather be a part of something bigger.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hzoNInZ2ClQ

Ability

As of late, after the gym I compensate the calories I just burned off by going to..

1. In-N-Out Burger to get animal style fries (fries with a slice of cheese, onions, thousand island)
2. BJ's Brewery to get a pizookie (baked cookie with ice cream)
3. Taco Bell to get anything on the dollar menu! HOLLA!

..right after.

You may shake your head, but I think I deserve it. Today was awesome though. I felt very manly doing free weights with my boy Smyr. And as I stand here shirtless after a shower in front of the mirror, I think to myself how I'm not as self conscious walking around shirtless or dancing shirtless at a bar.

During the queer conference a couple of weeks ago, I was asked how I affirmed my ability. My peers answered eclectically: "going to the gym," "taking hip hop class," "swimming."

Being physically capable is a privilege... being free from illness is a privilege. I'm very healthy despite all the cheese I consume. I rarely get sick and all the pain and suffering I've had to deal with ONLY involves allergies.

But I've always felt that there MUST be something wrong with me. But for now, I consider myself a lucky bastard. You never know when your body could fail you. And when it does, most of the time your health depends on what your doctor can do for you, but what if... it depends on others?

Please support Project Michelle. She needs to find a Bone Marrow Match by June 21st. It really doesn't hurt to be registered OR to donate. Please educate yourself.

I have been focusing on a couple of drives and helping my cousin, but through my blog I am going to suppress and talk about something that doesn't hurt so much.
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I'm rocking this awesome new FAUX HAWK! I'll take pictures, but I currently miss placed my camera. OMG! Today, I went to SuperCuts as per Joe's suggestion. He gets his stylish Faux Hawk at supercuts and basic cuts at a 7 dollar Vietnamese place on East side. When i walked in, the lady had a thick Vietnamese accent. Great, not again. I asked her firmly. "Have you cut a mohawk before?" She confidently said, "OF course!" She was pleasant, I obliged to stay. As I made conversation in my bad Vietnamese I discovered that I knew her niece who went to Berkeley.

Anyway, she gave me an awesome do that's pretty subtle.

Come to the drive this Friday and you'll see it!

Berkeley Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=18025516147
Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:00am - 2:00pm
Kroeber Fountain- midway between Sproul and Haas
Street: Intersection of Bancroft and College


San Francisco Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=13683444653
San Jose Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=14315327137
Others: http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html

The Asian Squat

Finally a video that explains it all!



This is me when I drive:

Forbidden Fruit

I haven't seen Smyr in a long ass time.

Smyr is my one straight guy friend. I am one of his millions of gay friends. But I get first priority because I've known him the longest.

We hung out in Little Saigon and caught up. We talked about shiesty behavior as it seemed to be the theme of the season. We talked about nothing and everything until we ended up downtown to meet with Mony, gay friends... and A GIRL! Athena! YES!

A Girl: is our ticket to having fun at straight clubs. Granted we have to share her, but it's always a good time with a girl in downtown San Jose. Plus, Athena is awesomely fun! I love her! MoAny knew that so he brought her along! Nice

We got an AMF, a sake cocktail at a sake bar, a mojito, a hazel nut drink, i shared another AMF. Somehow my $50 cash back disappeared and my credit card felt warm. We went in search of a dance floor. But even Mission Ale failed us (especially now that there is a 3 dollar cover. FACK that SHIT) the music was great, but NO ONE was dancing. BAH.

I noticed that all the hot girls were in the street, but all the... *cough* gross ones were at the bars we were hitting. WTF mate. .. and we just ended up at Hunters. Walking there I noticed a hotdog stand. Like the one outside dragon, but ironically this one was cleaner. I asked them when they closed shop, they said 2am. Good, I may crave one later.

Smyr seemed to have a good time. I feel bad cuz he always ends up doing something Gay when he hangs with me, he was a good sport even though his ass got pinched 5 times. HAHAHAHAH! And Mony had his fuck-me face turned on. The DJ was compromising the hip hop and electronic dance music and played an interesting dance version of Low. it was doable.

I spotted Joe who was on a "date," so I did was a good friend is supposed to do: I snuck up behind him and kissed him on the neck and poked his sides. He totally freaked out and didn't know it was me, I laugh.

Mony was talking to this cute boy and I interjected to say hi. He was my size, cute smile, short hair, cute Hawaiian accent. The guy whispered in my ear, "You're CUTE!" And smiled. He was from Hawaii, he was on a business trip... he told us that his job was a secret. He left and I followed him outside. Through the gates I asked him for his phone and punched in my number. "You're not sober." I wasn't. He smiled his gorgeous smile.

I headed back to the group until the music died down. I got a text message from him, "you are cute :o)." I was really flattered. I've never been hit on like that before. My group walked outside and by the hotdog stand was the boy eating an apple.

My friends kept walking, I started to make conversation. I asked him where he got the apple from and he said he was carrying it this entire time. He got up and we walked together until we reach a corner and he headed left. I didn't follow him because I was going to LaVics with my friends. He came back to me leaned in and kissed me very sensually. VERY sensually. VERY VERY VERY. And told me that he had an apple for me in his hotel room. It was one of the best kisses I have ever received. Ever. It was wasn't a peck, it wasn't a make out... it was one of those in betweens. His lips were perfect.

I caught up to my friends and told them what happened. The boy gave me a call. "Are you coming over?" He was playful, adorable... I was in ecstasy. I told him I would AFTER I get a quesidella. He gave me his room number.
...................

Oh shit, i gotta go, I'm going to the Art Festival with Eric. More soon.
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Part II

After thinking about it for two seconds, I decided to go to the hotel room and figure the how-do-I-get-home part after. I said good bye and ThE said "you're going to meet up with him!?! Wear a condom!" He said this four times.... when I actually started to walk away he said, "fine, be a stereotype!!" He genuinely disapproved. I didn't care about MY morals at the time. I had hot a boy waiting for me. Smyr patted me on my back, "we're just kidding, go have fun!"

I jogged to the Marriot, thinking about what ThE said, am I a stereotype? Why was this boy so alluring? I shoved my proclaimed morals aside. I got a text message from Smyr, "HIT THAT SHIT," I was thankful Smyr was there that night to be a "guy friend." I made it to his floor and and knocked on his door. He opened it and with his cute Hawaiian smile stands there .... shirtless. Well, I guess that's how Hawaiian boys do it: they START off shirtless. He was thin and confident.
"why are you so cute?" he said to me... with his slight Hawaiian accent.
"No.. YOU are cute"
"No, you are drunk..."
"Yes, but you are still cute" I was not doing a good job at playing it cool.
"Is this for me?" There was an apple neatly placed next his watch and wallet. He nodded his head and I started to eat it.

We made conversation, and kiss.
"You're a good kisser"
"You are too" He really was... I haven't kissed like that in so long. No mess... just kisses. No tongue... just lips.
"I'm going back to Hawaii tomorrow." That didn't concern me at that moment. I continued to caress his shirtless chest, self conscious about my own nasty fat body.
"How old are you?"
"26"
"Perfect... i'm 23... so what do you do that SO secret... are you a cop?" I was hoping he had handcuffs.
"Actually, I'm a flight attendant and I'm going to Honolulu tomorrow."
"That's cool. I was in Hawaii ... Are you from Hilo? It always rains there!"
"Yes!" The fact that I knew something Hawaii made him really excited. His cuteness grew with everything he said.

"You could be Hawaiian" he told me... I was reminded of how much I enjoyed being mistaken for being Hawaiian. I straddled him.
"Oh you Cali boys... so easy." He could be telling yo'mama jokes, he would still be so cute. And nothing he could say could stop me from wanting to kiss him all night until he asked...
"So is MoAny your bf? You guys would make a cute couple."
"No... we are good friends.....do you have a boyfriend?"
"....yes.."
"Since how long?"
"Since December."
"Does he know you do this?"
"...no..." he didn't look like he felt guilty AT ALL... his cute smile became goofy. He was sober, I was drunk.

I got up off him, grabbed my wallet, my phone and got back on top of him.

"Then I should go." I kissed his no so perfect big island lips one last time. .. got off the bed, looked back at him for a little bit smiled and left... his temping offer began to rot. (yes, I was a bit melodramatic)

Outside the hotel, I called Smyr. They just finished LaVics and he picked me up near the hotel. I was in a situation too familiar, except now instead of being an outsider looking in I was in someone else's shoes. I was impressed with my drunken self, I held true to what I believe in. Smyr drove me home.

Perfect timing. Perfect Everything.

The next day he apologized for being disrespectful, I told him not to hurt people he loved. I don't feel regretful about anything... after all I got a long awaited hot kiss and a free apple to match my shirt.

I Can Take Care of It...

My short attention span has allowed me to distract myself so that I don't think about Michelle so much...here is what else is on my mind.

But... PLEASE REGISTER! http://projectmichelle.com/ And come to my drive on May 24th.

Today my boss called a meeting. He said that we need to reorganize our publications. After he presented the project he said, "who wants to lead this?" Everyone ducks and avoids eye contact. I raised my hand and confidently stated, "I can take care of it" and nodded my head. My boss responded, "I don't think you can Christopher.... John... can you take care of it?"

FUCK YOU.

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No Hip Hop Policy?!!?!?

Last Saturday I hit the gay bars of San Jose. We checked out Splash because they were playing hip hop. I love this venue, but holy geezus the people there were classless. I'm saying. It was baggy shirt, stained jeans, braided greasy hair night. But the music was sweet.

We bounced to Hunters in search of some place where we wouldn't have to worry about getting jumped. Hunter's is a new gay bar and dance lounge, but fuck I hate the music so much. It's like this http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail45.html . HOW DO YOU FUCKING DANCE TO THAT?!?!?!??!?!?!? And it's stereotypical gay music. I was screaming to the Middle-aged Lesbian DJ to change the music. My friends were laughing at me cuz i was getting so flustered because here we are at Hunters. The people looked better, but the music was shitty and repetitive. Luckily, the DJ was putting in some requests and I got DOWN the last hour with my girl, Beyonce... WHAT?! I shouted to Mony, "COME dance with me, they're playing GOOD MUSIC!" I let the entire club know what good music was and cheered.

MoAny of course made about four new friends with his fuck-me face and aggressive dance style. I'm really glad I have friends that dance.

When the club closed, I went up to the bartender and asked him about the music. He told me that they don't usually play music like that... "We have a no Hip Hop Policy.... we are a Madonna electronic music sort of club" WTF?! You mean a ... "GAY Club?" You mean wave-your-body-rhythmlessly, touch-yourself-and-look-awkward sort of CLUB?!?! Ridiculous. Hip Hop music is the BEST music to dance to, you know the beats you know the lyrics. You know when to dip low, when to jet your arms in the air when they say, "ballin'!" It's like when you dance in your car, but this time in public and with friends. I just don't get how people can dance to electronic music when it's just.. dun dun dun dun dun dun lal allalla touch me dun dun dun dun dund dun. It's so freaking stupid and ONE gigantic long boring song.

GAH! I HATE HATE HATE HATE ELECTRONIC/GAY MUSIC!!!!!! Unless I'm cleaning, that shit makes me want to spray windex and get those specs off my dirty window.

DRIVEN

Today at work I spent one hour doing work... and the rest: Project Michelle.

Every time I think about Michelle, I tear up a little and just thinking about what a beautiful person she is. .. and how it really isn't fair.

I am thrilled. I got clearance for a Drive at the South East Asian Graduation Ceremony at Berkeley. I'm going to make this happen. I am going to register all of you!

Bone Marrow Drive at SEA Grad
Place: Martin Luther King, Pauley Ballroom Foyer (To the Left up the stairs)
Date: Saturday, May 24, 2008
Time: 4:30pm- 8:30pm

This weekend I am helping my cousin out at her drive in Milpitas.

Sierramont Middle School
3155 Kimlee Drive
San Jose, Ca 95131
Saturday, May 17, 2008
8:30 am until 2:00 pm

There are so many random drives popping up, like one at Eastridge this Saturday!
Please go to http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html

Eastridge Mall
San Jose
11am-3pm

and One at the Berkeley Thai Buddhist Temple. Get some FOOD and swab your spit!
May 18, 2008
10am-2pm

I was thinking to myself. If I was a match for any of these people... I wouldn't mind saving their lives. Look at them... they are fierce: http://www.aadp.org/pages/page.php?pageid=51

Erica, is particularly fierce because she sings:


It makes me really sad because her donor fell through. People get scared. I understand... but how can deny someone life?

Check out my cousin's VBLOG. Oh and there's Van, he's really goofy.



I was talking to Justin about Nonprofit and how I would really enjoy doing it. He told me that it's enough to pay rent... and have a little more... maybe a large paycut is worth happiness...

VBLOG
http://www.youtube.com/user/projectmichelle

VISIT: http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html to go to one near you!

My Ass is Sore

Last week my close friend from Middle School invited me to try capoeira, Brazilian Martial Arts! I figure, at this point of my life, I should accept ALL invitations I receive especially since my social network is dwindling. She warned me that I will be sore for weeks. I did NOT know what to expect.

I didn't have white pants so I just wore black sweats and a wife-beater as recommended so that when I'm upside down I don't have any "accidental exposure." Kinky.

http://www.capoeirasj.com/

I drove to the Studio, Dojo, large room? In downtown San Jose by myself because none of my friends were available. Sigh. There I met up with an eclectic crowd. Tall, short, old, young, muscular GI Janes to over weight Joe ShMos. The one thing they all had in common was they were SO friendly.

After learning the basic step, I was thrown into the rink to practice and imitate what I just learned. EVERYONE wanted to be my partner... well, that's what it felt like. They all wanted to teach me something and they were all so very patient. I tumbled, and kicked. I was not graceful and I was sweating up a storm.

At one point they had me do headstands and one arm cartwheels while emphasizing eye contact. The moves had Brazilian names and the art of martial dancing had a huge cultural history. I was immersed in a cultural experience. At the end of the session, the Master and three others played instruments whiled the rest started to "play." He told us to stay low and take our time, communicate to our partner and read body movements. I could not stop smiling. I really did have trouble with kicking. This double kick thing made me feel pretty embarrassed, I was so ugly.

The night was concluded with respectful acknowledgment of my attendance. I was the ONLY new student. Everyone clapped and cheered. The master responded, "oh, that's enough, he wasn't THAT good!" Everyone chucked and asked if I will return. I responded, HELL YEAH!

And I drove away feeling like experienced something different. Something not Gay, not Asian, not American, not College... but another community that I did not know existed.

Yes to Brazilian culture and body movement through martial arts!
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Register your Bone Marrow, it's really easy! http://www.projectmichelle.com