Monday, July 14, 2008

Waiting for Nothing

James didn't call me Sunday.

He did IM me to say sorry.

Sorry for leading me on. Sorry for seeming to want to be more than just friends, but not being able to. Sorry for blowing me off. Reminding me that before anything he said he didn't want a relationship.

I came into this thing trying not expect anything. Both of us, found each other deeper and more into each other than we had anticipated. James pressed the eject button before it was too late to turn back, before our hearts were speaking louder than our minds.

I told Joe. I told him that I was sad because we clicked. Joe responded, "you click with a lot of people, Chris." Making me realize that just "clicking" isn't enough. Their actual LIFE has to be able to work with mine. And there was no room for me in James' life; at least not before midnight.

Sometimes I feel like maybe my honesty scared him and that's what caused him to bail. But I'm not here to lie to anyone about how I feel and neither is James. I can only thank him for ending it early on before he found himself spinning lies... in a relationship that was too hard to manage and damaging.

He asked me if we could still be friends. I told him that I was tired of chatting to his alter identity. And he finally gave me his REAL screen name. His screen name that had been glaring at me from my buddy list because I already had it. His screen name that he uses to talk to his family and real friends. And I told him that I hope he gets over his fear of everything.

And now I understand why a lot of gay people don't want to deal with bastards in the closet. Being his dirty little secret quickly lost it's appeal. Dating a "straight boy" lost it's appeal. But, thanks to James I have more faith in the "dating" experience overall.

And after all of that, I found myself lashing out at MoAny for (legitimately) failing to invite me to a couple of things because he thought I'd be out with James. Once again MoAny got shafted, only to sit there with his mouth agape in confusion while I accused him of being a shitty friend when he was everything but.

I am quite selfish. I wanted him to be there for me instead of taking care of himself. Thanks to MoAny and James and I reminded once again that I need to take care of myself because I am my own salvation.

Court Date is finally this Wednesday. Psychology Graduate School Orientation is this Friday. I hope I'm on my way.

James Shady


Bryan said...

hi there! I linked to your blog via
I like it very much! and yeah, you're cute, hehe =)
keep up the good work!

Bryan said...

goodness. I sound like a little kid, lol.