Thinking Outloud

Looking Good Looking Good

Everyday I use the elevator to get to the 16th floor of my building in downtown Saigon. And everyday I feel sexy. Why?

Because I am tall compared to the 5'2 girls and 5'5 boys.... I am a proud 5'6 American bitches! Because I'm wearing a flashy dress shirt and sexy dress shoes. I am 23 and I look like a foreign hotshot. And even though I have to wear a helmet, my hair maintains its shape thanks to American hair products... or European? Western products!!! (Made in China... WESTERN PRODUCTS!)

==
I'M VIETNAMESE!! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!

I noticed that Vietnamese people like to yell. A lot. It hurts my ears. They yell at waiters, they yell at children, they yell at each other. I think it's because the city is so noisy. They grew up in a noisy environment and yelling was the only way they can hear each other.

"MISS! BRING ME A PHO!"
"I GONNA BEAT YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD YOU UNAPPRECIATIVE CHILD OF MINE!!"
"CHECK!!!!!!!!!!"
"TAKE ME TO NGUYEN HUE STREET TAXI DRIVER!"

So loud. Vietnamese people are loud. And they are my alarm clock.

I am awaken every morning by noise at 5am. The streets already begin to fill up outside my family's house. And it doesn't help that we sell coffee in the morning. But I manage to zone everything out before I wake up officially at 7am.

==
Hot Shower

My Aunt said to me, "Oh, if you want to shower with warm water let me know!" I was thrilled. These pass weeks I have been taking cold showers because I thought there was no water heating system. I mean, cold showers are great during the day, but at night and in the morning, no thanks.

Yesterday she offered again. I thought she just had to go downstairs to turn a knob. But this is what she said, "yeah! take that thermos with you, it should have hot water in it... it'll feel good." You're shitting me.

So.. a hot shower means I have to carry a bucket of boiled water from the stove into the shower upstairs making a huge mess and then use a cup to pour it on my body. "Umm... nooo it's okay Auntie, it's too much trouble!"

"What do you mean trouble! It's easy!" I insisted.... seriously, it's not worth it and it became a luxury that I'm realizing.

After my shower I saw her fiddling with the water heater thing. "Aww... it's broken." That's like the theme of this ... shit, my priviledge side was emerging. I nodded, "don't worry about it!"

==
Learning about Myself

Today, I said hi to the receptionist.
"Did you go swimming this morning?" I found out that she swims yesterday at lunch.
"I go swimming after work!"
"So you have to bring your suit."
"That's right, do you want to come with?"
"YES! Oh god yes!"
"Okay, tomorrow!"
"OH MY GOD YES!"

This pass year I have closed myself off from a lot of people. I stood proud when I list out my close friends and have no intention of making more, but I am learning that I am approaching it all wrong.

This pass year, I said to myself, "I have 600 something facebook friends... why? would I invite them all to my birthday? No. There are only a hand full of people that I care about so why should I go out of my way to make new friends that I probably won't be close to.. it's better to just concentrate on close friends..."

I'm a fool.

I am realizing that that's a horrible way to approach life. And it's affected me greatly. I can tell that I come off as unapproachable... because I am, but you know what... we can always use new friends to do different things with. It makes life more varied. It makes life more fulfilled when you can say you're going out with different people and experiencing different things.

It's good to be friendly, to extend a hello... to make something from nothing. So suck it up and just approach someone and offer some of you while they offer something back.

Give and take... yadda yadda. That's what I used to be like... In key club, in NSU. "HI my name is Christopher... I don't know you, but I could... I act like I care because.. I do. And even though we're not close you still deserve a hello." Take a flyer... community service. Take a flyer... watch a culture show... Take a flyer... save a life... these are the things I care about and you will be inspired by me because I want to share a part of me... with YOU.

That's who I used to be. Outgoing...caring... uninhibited... and bubbly.

And in Vietnam, I have to be like that otherwise I would accomplish nothing. I have to make something from nothing. I have to meet strangers and hope they don't rob me and discover new places and ideas.

That's who I was... that's what I lost.... wow.

Piece of Home

I had my first "American" meal.

It was a pizza of course at this hotel restaurant . A salami pizza. Gosh, it was mediocre.
I'm getting a little homesick and it's only been 2 and a half weeks.

==

I've also been a little... you know... cough cough... this lack of privacy is killing me. I need a little Dragon right now.... some downe friends. Hmmm... what to do.

==

Work is very interesting. Yesterday, the design and account managers brainstormed some activation ideas for a paint company. But seriously, if you're rich enough to paint your house, you would higher someone to do it. But it was interesting... the meeting was conducted in English. There was an Swedish guy and a Pilippino guy and an Indian guy... all of them with stereotypical accents.

I DON'T understand how they understood each other! But everyone had good laughs.

The Pilippino guy was hilarious! The selling point of the paint was that it made the room look more spacious and relaxing. The guy came up with that idea of having an exhibit where people would walk into a room painted by the paint...with midgets handing them brochures... with the midgets there, of course the room would look bigger!

Everyone started to laugh... it was a riot!


==

Today I reviewed some pictures taken from an activation of a very affordable stove targetted in rural Vietnam! Wow! A $12 stove!

==

Someone took a candid shot of me... this is what I look like when I'm checking someone out.


Now... i understand.


==

Popping Class was great! I'm tuning up my overused body roll! After, I hung out with this post grad law student who was in Vietnam fucking around until his bar results came in. He managed the district website for Key Club in the late 90s.


"The best thing about Key Club was it taught me how to dance!" He expressed such fond memories... even at 27, he remembered every detail. I wonder why I didn't maintain any of my key club friends. I wonder why I just remember having a great time, but never kept in touch.

I wonder what happened.

I Fack You Later

This is what I hear in the office.

"He need to fack me"
"I didn't fack you yet"
"I can't fack you until he fack me first"

Apparently fax and fuck sound similiar.

==

These passed few days I have cramming marketing basics. I didn't realize how drastically lacking my knowledge was. I realized that I was never a business student. But my boss was very patient and laid the foundation that I needed... in one hour. Fack!

And as an intern, not much is expected of me. Nevertheless, my project is still challenging.

==

I am doing below the line consumer research at "modern trades" or supermarkets. I am doing a general observation that should have been done when the company started 10 years ago. But I guess that gives me flexibility.

==

According someone, upperclass Vietnamese people make at least $500 US Dollars a month. Wow. A lot of people who work here get local pay. My office is full of yuppies. Young fashionable Vietnamese professionals who spend immediately what they make. There is no concept of saving in Vietnam and the family structure and culture has demonstrated to make these kids depedent for dear life on their parents.

==

You don't come to Vietnam to become rich, that's for sure. You come because everything is cheap and for opportunties that have escaped countries who are already developed. I know that what I'm learning in the office, I would never get in the US. I am a nobody in the business sector and they would shout "next!!" before I could even say anything.

==

I want to do a good job, so I'm going to push hard. Wish me luck

Cam Vat

I remember going to those pho places and getting orange juice.

And I would always get upset when they bring out a glass full of ice and an inch worth of juice... wtf is this?!?!? I would always throw a tantrum. "Vietnamese people are so freaking cheap!"

Now I understand.

You're supposed to let it melt!
In Vietnam, people put concentrate in a glass full of ice. Because of the heat, the ice melts quickly and after a couple of stirs you have a fresh drink!

In the US, by the time the ice has melted, you're already done with your pho.

WOW! What an epiphany!

Tomorrow I Start Work

"You're brave for meeting up with strangers," my local cousin thinks I'm crazy.

"Well... friends start off as strangers," I'm not going to limit who I meet and it's kind of exciting to know that I'm putting my life in danger. I have nothing to lose.

Last night I met a fellow Berkeley grad that I found off thefacebook. Graduated in winter 2007, he got an interview through VietnamWorks.com and bought a one way ticket.

"You impress me."

He talked a lot about his experience. He's already hit the 6 month mark. "I'm making a 5th of what I should be making, but the experience is worth more." Unlike me, he didn't have family.

He emphasized, "there are opportunties here, no doubt, but you can also get side tracked. You have to be careful." It's true, this city is a lot of fun. Everyday I discover something new and none of that touristy shit.

As he talked more, it became clear. People who work abroad are in search of something. People who leave home are unsatisfied... escaping. Often, they need to be reminded of everything that's going RIGHT in their lives.

==

It makes me wonder how severely desperate someone wants to change to go abroad. It makes me wonder... what happened to them to for them to voluntarily flee from what's familiar to a place so alien.

I know what happened to me. And by taking a break from home, I managing to solidify a more satisfying definition of myself. Appreciation

==

I have four more weeks before I fly back to the US. These four weeks are important because they will determine if I will stay for a longer period of time. The US is doing terribly. I probably won't be able to secure a job, but I'm coming to realize how much I love my friends and family I have in the US. I've also become aware that my soul is not that LOST for me to leave them until my mid to late twenties.

If I come back, it'll be different. My license will be returned to me. I will have a clearer idea what I want to do with my career. Essentially, if I return or if I stay... I will have grown more than I ever could imagine.

==

But it's only been two weeks and I've got a long way to go. Tomorrow I start work. My unpaid internship in consumer research seems like a perfect fit... but I can only hope that it will help me realize what I want to do with my life.... at least with my career.

Crash the Party

As I was heading home from having some "Cock with Sauce" with my uncle, I got a text from my expat cousin about a fashion party. "Wear white!"


My local cousin and I crashed that mother fucker! They served free Grey Goose and Vietnamese influenced hor'dervs. People smoozed. I took pictures. My expat cousin made friends... he impresses me. A nothing-to-lose philosophy. I quivver at initiating a conversation with these young professionals in their late 20s early 30s. And when I'm introduced, I fail to maintain one. More Grey Goose Please.

There were window displays where underwear models stood and changed poses every 10 minutes.

I met one of the promoters, a young Canadian who's been in Vietnam for 3 years. "You don't miss cold huh?"

"I miss my family." Then he turned to talk to some models. We stayed until the bar made of ice collasped.

I managed to get some free parting gifts.
"Do you have your invitation?"
"OOo uh, I don't have it on me, I may have left it in the car.. is that okay?" I spoke quick English, the Vietnamese girls stumbled.
"Just take his name and give it him." One of the girls said to another. They were probably scared that I was important.

Yes! Free Jockey Towels!

That's free Grey Goose tonic I'm holding.

I Wanted a Cuddle Buddy...

I saw the boy yesterday.

He took me to a market where people buy things in bulk for resale. His mom and sister were there and he introduced me. I guess because I was so easy to trust him... he began to return that trust.

At this market was a lot of "Hong Kong" fashion. I was reminded of Szeto a lot. The clothes were a bit more expensive: $9! I would have none of it! LOL!

We headed back to his place.

He told me to use his computer while he did laundry. So, there's a common theme amoung the people I visit in Vietnam. The inside of their house is disgusting. I began to appreciate my life. I walked in there was a giant cockroach. "Don't worry, it's dead." His room was as big as my room in San Jose, except he had to share it with some guy he didn't really know. They slept in the same bed together. "Is that weird?" I asked.

"No, as long as you don't move around, you stay on your side of the bed. Actually, this [full size] bed can fit 3 people!" You gotta be kidding me.

The walls were gross, the floor was gross, it made my apartment at Berkeley seem like a palace.
"This is like college living, huh?"
"Yeah! two more guys sleep outside." He was referring to the entry way of his place. "Yeah, four guys live here, rent is $48 a month" I still thought it was a rip off.

He joined me on the bed in his boxers. I asked him about his Taiwanese boyfriend and other gay things.
"SHHH!!!! If they find out, big trouble." His roommate was outside napping or using a computer. I refrained from saying any of those key words.

We played a version of text twist off thefacebook. "Help me! I want to win! And learn English!" I really sucked, but when I got the big words he got really excited. "Let's take a nap."

"Okay... do you have shorts?"
"No, but you can sleep in your underwear, there's only guys here." Okay... um...

I kept my jeans and polo on.. but after a few minutes Vietnam attacked. I stripped down and layed next to him. I was awkward. I really didn't understand what was going on. The door was left wide open. Anyone walking buy could have looked in.

I coughed.

"Are you cold?" He moved in. Wrapped his boney arms around me. I was suprisingly comforted. I managed to nap and cuddle with him under a blanet with a fan blowing in. We hit all major cuddling positions until he got hungry.

We got dressed and went for food.

===

We sat at street side coffee place and I couldn't help but ask.
"What if your roommate walked in?"
"He's only there 3 times a week and my other roommates don't come into my room."
"Is it strange that two guys are cuddling.. do straight guys cuddle?"
"I don't know.. I don't make it my business.... I don't concern myself with other people's stuff"
"I guess, I'm just inquisitive."
"That's no good... why live your life asking so many questions? Can't you just be happy not knowing?"
"I guess, but I like to know"
"You're like my friend... thinking all the time... it's no good."

===

"People who concern themselves with looking for love are doing it all wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"To me... you just need good friends. And if you fall in love with one of your good friends, that's better."
"I agree."
"I don't want to love because eventually you break up." For some reason, i didn't argue with him. "I'd rather love a girl anyway. I don't want to love a guy." Apparently he had a choice.
"Why's that?"
"I don't know..."

I sipped my coffee and stopped thinking too much.

===

"I love this coffee shop" it wasn't really a shop, it was a sidewalk and some woman handed us coffee while we sat on plastic chairs made for children. The kind sold at Ranch99.
"yeah, it's cool"
"you can just look into the street and look at the cars pass by. It's not too busy. And look at the trees, they're beauitful."
"I guess so." Earlier, I just saw a dirty road, but he was right. In the shop next to us, people were doing oil painting. Redoing famous pieces of art. The boy was more interested in the people driving by.

==

He dropped me home. "Have a good night."
"Thank you"
"of course!" he was goofey.

I wanted a cuddle buddy... I got a life lesson.