Sunday, September 25, 2016

New York and Chicago Skylines


I really romanticize the DTLA skyline, but my recent work trip in August made me realize that Chicago and New York have some definite style.  I guess DTLA just has the mountains in the back, a nice orange hue because of pollution and it's quite pleasant to look at coming from any highway entering it.

This view of Manhattan from the Hudson River park is quite stunning especially during sunset.  It was so nice to watch local joggers go back and forth.



It seems like my New York friends all live in high rises.  This is the view of downtown Brooklyn.  I enjoyed this after a great BBQ.


Joe lives in Hell's Kitchen which is the new gay neighborhood in Manhattan.  He lives in the sky.  I asked the door man, which floor 30A was and he said... 30th floor.  I'm sorry, I'm Los Angeles... most buildings are 2 stories!


A view from my work balcony has a nice complete view of New York City.



The Chicago office had a similar view and apparently an agreement that the view will never be obstructed.  I saw some water and asked if that was the Atlantic... apparently the Great Lakes are actually that great.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Gaysian Shorts on Youtube + Spa Night

I've always turned to the small screen to find people I could relate to.  I feel like I've collected a few videos and wanted to post them since I was all about these webseries in my previous post.

Some old gaysian shorts:

Stay (2010)

Are you my boyfuck or boyfriend?  Simple concept with actors that look like my friends.

Do You, Andy (2012)

I've shared this before, but I love this one so much

Thanks, Dads (2014)

I don't know many gay couples with kids, but this really made it a possibly

And I'm so proud of Andrew's film Spa Night which I got to see on the big screen.


Yes Asian!

Gay Web Series

I just finished The Gay and Wondrous Life of Caleb Gallo and posted on Facebook my new man crush Kenneth Kirby and my thirsty friends starting biting.  I mean, look at him:


And the fact that he has only 1K followers on instagram makes he very approachable.  He can be our friend that everyone dreams about.    This web series staring the guy that did the video "What actually happens when gay guys see other gay guys and straight people aren't around" is hilarious!  I found my self laughing until I almost cried.



I remember really liking The Outs and being very aroused by Hunting Season which is just soft core porn.  Both series take place in New York.

I haven't gotten the chance to watch The EastSiders which I've added to the list.

Paper boys takes place in San Francisco and stars a gaysian, but only has 3 episodes!! Come on guys! We want more!

Her Story is exceptional story about trans and queer women that had me crying as well.  It's up for an Emmy award!

There's something about how amateur and raw these web series are.  It feels as though I'm closer to the characters especially since I know a few folks personally in the entertainment space.

Some recommendations that I got:

Love Sick - Thai Drama
Disposable Teans - gay teen who is forced to runaway from home after coming out of the closet.
Cómo conocí a la chica de Ludisoft - Spanish series not too sure what it's about
G&T - Italian web series that seems to be very popular
Free Fall - Black web series from 2013 and has continued momentum
Spin the Bottle - Looks terribly corny
Alex and Benny - Chinese guys being domestic
Heroin - Chinese high school drama.. looks interesting

And during my research I stumbled upon this cringe-worthy gem:

So awkward, so preachy... and something I don't get being so sticky rice.


Here we go:

Much better.. except he better get stood up at 7:30.. oh hell.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Just Talking About Sex

Trying on leather 101
I'm going to be real with you blog.

The sex dwindles the deeper you enter your long term relationship.  And you would think that Jimmy and I would talk more about it, but we don't because things have just become so comfortable.  And at times sex feels like a chore or a check list item between laundry and cooking because we're supposed to be doing it at least once a week to be considered "a healthy couple" reaching the 5th.. or was 6th year mark of our relationship. This weekend we got to talking about what we need from each other.  And what do you know, we had amazing louder-than-usual sex.  Wow, communication works instead of just blaming it on our mismatched schedules.

I had forgotten that I have 6 erogenous zones and Jimmy only has 1.  And that I really needed to say what I wanted him to do... in order to have my eyes roll behind my head.  And now I'm craving more and he's out in Atlanta for work getting black dick without me.

When I visited Brooklyn, a group of new friends started to talk about sex positivity among the gaysian community; specifically about kink.  They addressed that gaysians just don't talk about it and that needs to change, but I argued, do they not talk about whips and chains because it really doesn't excite them?  That a community of freaky deaky gaysians is really small?  But maybe, it doesn't exist because we don't talk about it.  A paradox.  I know that some folks think that my house parties are lined with sex, but they are really sexless parties, esp. compared to some other gay spaces I've had the pleasure of being invited to.   Regardless, the 321 space offers other forms of pleasantries that I am grateful for.

I know the gaysians in my circle who are freaks and I try to n'sync them together.  To create a small sub-community within a sub-community within a sub-community.   There's a curiosity here to really elevate sexual pleasure and desire that's not really addressed and maybe it's time to get out of comfort and really experiment with things other than just generically "boys."

Without a doubt I feel like the gaysians in New York and San Francisco are hooking up way more than Angelenos.  Why?  Because your erection disappears when your $15 uber gets lost.  Or you don't know where to park.  Or you're not that drunk because you have to drive.  Car culture has really ruined hooking up.  And at times I feel like my friends are really sex-less because of this or because they're not talking about it.    But let's change all of that.

More sex.  More talk about sex.  And... how many erogenous zones do you feel have been neglected?

**edit**
Just saw some Folsom pictures from the Gaysians in SF.  High heels, asses out.  Love love love.

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Ya'll Left me Alone with a Donut


I'm been on this health kick when my results came back and showed that though my overall cholesterol was down, my triclycerides were up.  I couldn't believe it.  This year I had better portion control, salads for lunch, exercise in the morning.  I trimmed down from 161 to 154.  However, I feel like I'm destined to have a heart attack, but Steven reassured me that it's probably genetics.  He reminded me that eggs are actually good for me and what I needed to watch out for was trans and saturated fat, not dietary fat that comes from animal products.  To my joy, I had some nachos to celebrate... but those nachos were on top of french fries... which were cooked in oil with lots of trans and saturated fat.  UGH.

But everyone seems supportive of my effort to get better and live longer.  These numbers HAVE to improve by next year.  Salmon and cheap California avocado more frequently?  No problem.  No taco bell?  Ugh.  I need to go back to my diet mantra "I know what it tastes like, I don't need to eat it."  And MORE exercise - working on it.    The weight goal is to be under 150 pounds because for my height, I am considered overweight according to the doctors.

I'm a cuddly bear on the beach.  

I told Joe that Jimmy deleted Grindr/Jackd because it was making him feel self conscious comparing himself to other guys which I didn't get 100%.  To my surprise Joe responded, "yeah! of course!  Constantly seeing impossible-to-achieve torsos in the gay world would have an affect on you."  And I thought to myself - oh... right, beautiful bodies which I usually glaze pass unless they attached an instagram link #morephotos.

Candipop at The Satellite in Silverlake 

Last night they were giving out free donuts and I grabbed one.  There were 7 of us total and we already had a lot to drink.  I previously bought everyone a round of whiskey which no one verbally thanked me for nor were excited about.  I should have asked instead of assuming because most of us don't want to feel like shit the next day; but I really wanted to share my joy that the week was over.  There should have been drunk hunger, but NO ONE wanted share this delicious treat.  Everyone politely declined, so I just devoured the fucking donut on my own on the dance floor listening to Willa Ford's - I Wanna be Bad.

I thought to myself, do my friends just not like donuts (impossible) or was there some sort of body consciousness tied to the refusal.  No sugar after 6PM or something? Is this donut really destroy that body of yours?  Here I am, talking non-stop about my cholesterol for the past two weeks and I'm like, "fuck this" and eat all of it in great satisfaction.  No guilt. Just freedom.

So what is it about body dysmorphia in the gay community?  Can we blame how the community is frequently exposed to chiseled bodies through media and... grindr / jackd?  Can we blame other gays who seem so fit, but complain the most about how "fat" they are after posting a shirtless pic on instagram while some of us have never exposed our bodies even at the beach?   Is it because having a hot body is like having a good fishing rod when trying to date because that's the only thing that seems to get a response (No Fems, No Fats, No Asians)?  Are we in constant competition with one another that we have to feel bad about ourselves every time we look in the mirror?  I don't know.

What I do know is, ya'll left me alone with that donut and I'm trying to reduce my cholesterol and ya'll be looking at it like the devil even though none of you have health problems (that I know about).  Help a brother out gaysians - you can afford that sugar; you're not going get that bulky man-meat torso anytime soon, lesbehonest.

All I want from my friends is for them to be healthy and not physique obsessed.  And to workout because it makes them feel good not so that they can get affirmations of self worth.   I want to be friends with people, not models and I'm proud to say that most of my friends have VERY average bodies because we are average people....  average people who should have one bite of a donut at midnight in a night club full of people born in the 90s without judgement once in a while.

Monday, September 12, 2016

On My Mind.

I'm a 10 minute walk from Echo Park lake and in a few months I'll be at least a 20 minute drive. I did a lap this weekend which I haven't done in a while. But I always find myself escaping here when I'm trying to organize my thoughts.  Though this recent walk around presented more layers of thought than I needed.  But I finished the lap, just for good measure.


There is way too much on my mind and it's been a while since I've allowed myself to take a moment and write things down.  I need to take care of my mental health as much as I'm trying with my physical health.

==

I have surgery scheduled in two weeks that I've put off for a year because I've adapted to the small inconvenience and discomfort that my body has created for me since January 2015.  I've felt alone in this process and actually I'm pretty scared about the pain following the procedure. It's a rare issue that I have and I have no one to really talk to about it.

==

By January 1, 2017 the landlord has request that we voluntarily vacate so that they can remodel.  They are offering full security deposit, but no relocation assistance.  They are hoping that we will play ball because we've paid pennies for such a large, unique and centralized place.  We could fight this... but is the headache of legal worth it?  The boys are excited to find a place that isn't a fire hazard, crawling with ants and packed with dust.  But like my box of greeting cards that I've saved for years, I am sentimental and the attachment that I have for this house has grown immensely since moving in 2009.

Slowly I'm getting rid of the junk I've accumulated.  You can only imagine what I've collected from years of elaborate themed parties.  There's a bit of a grey cloud that's been hanging over my head since receiving that letter in July.  This house means a lot to me.  I've found great happiness being a resource center, a sanctuary, a meeting spot, a safe space for innately good people that I've found through out LA.  But these thoughts deserve a separate entry.

==

Jimmy recently deleted Grindr/Jackd because it was affecting his self confidence comparing himself to other gay men.  Jimmy would say lightly, "I actually get a lot of instagram followers from Grindr." No big deal.

I find myself deleting and then downloading again when I'm bored. I always get mad at myself for wasting so much time logging in; chatting but never meeting, looking, but never touching.  Blocking my friends so they don't see me, don't judge me. I would say, "I actually enjoy trolling people with terrible profile descriptions."  The other day I messaged someone saying, "Educated AND Career Oriented?!  WOW!!!"  They immediately blocked me, I laughed to myself.  I'm obnoxious.

What is the point?  Why are we on this hookup app to begin with?  

==

My mind is wandering. It's adjusting to my recent average of 4 hours of sleep.  Jimmy goes to bed at 3AM, I am up by 5AM.  Both of us having to tip toe around the other during different moments of darkness.  Both of us doing a terrible job. Both of us becoming extremely out of it during different parts of the day. What does that mean for sex?  It doesn't mean a whole lot.  

==

Last night I ended up at a Korean Spa and witnessed some "inappropriate behavior" that I wasn't expecting.  I felt like I was in a movie.  This old guy tried to touch me, but I shoo'd him away.  I thought about how taboo is exciting for gay men because that's how we developed our sexuality.   We were taught that what aroused us was wrong.  So now we associate taboo with sexual excitement.   Things like married men, straight guys, public bath houses, craigslist hook ups seem so hot because it's so wrong and risky.  Just like having a crush / infatuation with a boy is wrong.  But you just can't stop yourself from feeling this way because of how you're wired.  The temptation to rebel and fuck heteronormativity.

==

I'm starting to feel consumed with first world problems.  In two instances my friends responded sarcastically, "what a tough life you have."  I get embarrassed.  I feel guilty. I feel like at times it's best to just be silent and just figure things out on my own or through this blog. I am writing this on my shuttle to work and the wifi is annoyingly spotty.  Yeah - fuck me.

==

My friends are starting to go to therapy.  It seems like your 30s is the time for you to fix the shit that you've created in your 20s.  Undo the shit that you ate, the shit that you put yourself through, the all around shitty yolo decisions that you made.  I never considered therapy; you are my therapy.  Thanks for helping me sort this through.  I already feel better.


Feeling this song right now.  Not so much the dancing woman.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

An Attack on My Community

It's terribly ironic that my last post about a month ago proclaimed that I have nothing to complain about, but these past two weeks of June have been very stressful.  After having a wonderful birthday, I was slapped with an eviction notice... but we're pushing back leaning on the city to protect us.  Jimmy is fighting while I come off as weak in the situation. I feel lucky to be living in such a great location for such a great price for so many years.  Jimmy pointed at leaks in the ceiling, the carpet that hasn't been replaced in years and the foundation that has not been earthquake reinforced - we get what we pay for and we have rent control.

On top of that comes the Orlando tragedy in which I found myself crying at work reading victim stories and being surrounded by clueless coworkers who don't feel the pain that I'm feeling because their community wasn't targeted.

  • Juan Ramon Guerrero and Christopher "Drew" Leinonen who were to get married, but will be buried together.  If you read about their family, your heart will melt.  If you follow their instagram they remind me the most of myself and my friends.  Their story hurt me the most.
  • Akyra Murray who was celebrating her high school graduation reminded me of a time when I went to 18+ gay clubs in San Francisco called Faith... I was young and carefree.  Everything was new and exciting.  I was celebrating as much as she was and I felt safe being myself.
  • Brenda Lee Marquez McCool who was a survivor of both breast and bone cancer was out dancing with her son before she shielded him from the bullets.  Parents protecting their kids always makes my heart jerk.
I attended the vigil in DTLA in front of LA City hall last night where I found 23 of my friends.  We came to listen, mourn and be empowered.  We all knew that I could have been us that night.  Pulse in Orlando - Latin night.  This sounds all too familiar.  It could have been Rage or Cantina in WeHo or the now defunct Dragon or Beaux in San Francisco.  Other Gaysian / POC Gay spaces where I would consider a safe space to dance, to say what's on my mind, to hold Jimmy's hand without being scared. 

My dad posted about it on Facebook, but I had to correct him.


God.
My dad texted me to pray everyday and I told him that God won't protect me, but gun control will.  At the same a Sacramento Baptist pastor praised the Orlando massacre.  I began reading about places in the world where you could be put to death for being gay.  What is the purpose of religion?  I don't see progress.  How can I pray to "God" when others' Gods say that I should be dead? 

I only pray when I fly.  Maybe because I'll be in the sky and I ask for protection from who ever is living in the clouds.  A quick sign of the father, the son and the holy spirit eases my flying anxiety.   That God will protect me when I'm closer to heaven and not on this earth when it only takes 7 minutes for some idiot human to legally buy an assault rifle and take into action his interpretation of his religion and internalized homophobia etc.

Normalizing and Checking In.
On Sunday, I went out to Akbar, the Arabian themed gay bar for 30 minutes.  It was difficult to shake the sense of fear from my mind.  But I know that I needed to.  I cannot let them win so I danced while drinking water to a remix of Whitney Houston. 

I messaged a few friends who said, "thank you for asking how I'm doing. I've talked about it.. but no one actually asked how I was."  Yes, because we're family.

The Need for Pride 
In the photo above, I'm wearing a Pride t-shirt.  I never usually celebrate pride because I never felt the need to.  Because I'm always surrounded by people who think and act like me.  But this year, I've felt less of that because of my new work environment and this tragedy.

I've never felt prosecuted and the automatic check that I do before kissing or touching my boyfriend in public has already become natural.  But now I feel that it's even more important to have pride and to be visible because in actuality I'm not as safe as I thought I've been.