Friday, January 18, 2019

Platonic, Potential, Can We Please Fuck?

A friend of mine told me that he's slept with about half of his friends.  He puts people in buckets: platonic, potential and can we Please fuck?  I told him that I see all of my friends as platonic and he responded that I might be repressing something and not knowing it.  I know many wonderful attractive guys but I'm never tempted, at least in Los Angeles.  I just want to make friends and grow my Gaysian empire creating a community of good people and a supportive network (born in the 80s).  He pointed to the cute guy in the mailroom.  "You wouldn't mess around with him?"  I responded, "I guess I would, but never really thought about it other than 'hey, he's cute' the end.


It made me wonder, am I repressing something?  I think about being affectionate with friends.  A kiss on the cheek, a head in the lap, a long embrace, a short massage.  Platonic, but still showing that you care for each other.  

How does one put friendships into the potential bucket? I thought about the power of cuddling.  The intimacy, the smell, the touch, the warmth and the time.  Can friends cuddle overnight and still sit in the platonic bucket?  Or does it quickly move to potential?  I recall "hook up" rules in which people emphasize that they would NEVER sleep over if their intention is nothing more than just loveless sex.  Is it because embracing for a long period of time affects our chemistry?  While intertwining your limbs, do you inadvertently intertwine your heart strings?  While feeling someone's breath and listening to their heartbeat, does your soul believe that you're holding someone very important to you?    

Kevin sent me this screen grab of me and his partner Huan (my close friend from elementary school) tangled in bed at the New Years party.  Kevin was massaging my thighs and finding my zones.  He described this picture as me and Huan trying to lure him into some more than friends activity.  But what I see is intamcy between friends at a party.  But as the moment with friends end, I'm back home with my partner to embrace overnight allowing our souls to blend and our hearts to beat in sync until he overheats and pushes me away.



Sunday, January 13, 2019

Blame It On The Juice

Instragram told me that I could spend up to 4 hours a day on the app.  I watch instastories when I do cardio, I look at the geo tag to explore the city, I stalk, I slide into DMs, I keep in contact.  It's different from facebook which is riddled with political posts and very uninteresting status updates.

So when I accidentally deleted I thought to myself that it was the perfect opportunity to take a break.

But without the app, I found myself bored with the phone.  I found myself sad that I couldn't post something that would potentially make someone laugh, smile, cringe, all of the above.

I gave in within 24 hours and redownloaded it.  And I'm happy for it because it reminded me of what made me happy: being silly and sharing it with people who are interested enough to keep me unmuted.

Charles and I were inspired by Lizzo's music video Juice and decided to recreate our own version.






We pretty much nailed it even though it took us hours to get it close to looking okay.  It was our gay Zumba workout for Saturday.  

The rest of the day we stayed in and got food delivered.  We sang our hearts out in our makeshift karaoke room with disco lights.  At 10:30PM, I caught up with a good friend to vent, to catch up, to eat, to love.

I feel normalized, less anxious and almost myself again and in order to achieve that I had to get out of my mind and onto the dance floor.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Pick the Path with Least Resistance

While driving a friend home, he reminded me of the dangers of worrying.

He reminded me that life is too short to stress and that we should just approach challenges and obstacles head on without torturing ourselves.  If it doesn't need to be a big deal, why make it a big deal?

If something is going to hurt, why make it hurt twice by worrying about it too.  Something like that.

But it seems like something difficult to control, or as we agreed, comes with experience.  You just learn to just not care, take things as face value and not overthink.

I'm starting to understand that overthinking is dangerous.  Overthinking comes with free time; letting your imagination run wild, creating worst case scenarios, misinterpreting people, make up a false reality.    And this is what happens when I'm on my own for too long.

Again, I need to keep busy to prevent my mind from wandering and worrying about things that aren't important.

And I'm writing this down to remind myself that things are only as big as you make them out to be and that the path with the less resistance is worth taking for the peace of mind, heart and soul.

Saturday, January 5, 2019

2019 Thots and Jots

Jimmy usually stays up until 3AM on the living room couch lost in his thoughts, creating art, watching his favorite TV show.  This morning, it's my turn to step away from the warmth of our bed and spend some alone time journaling at 5AM.  After all, I am the early bird and he is a night owl.

I told myself this year that I would be more transparent with my relationship with people.   On the theme of Marie Kondo I told a very old infatuation that I was letting them go and thanked them for the joy that they provided.  I was holding on to this idea of fleeting moments that some would consider beautiful and romantic.  At this point of my life, I've determined it to be more destructive and distracting.  I feel relieved, I feel honest and feel like I had just grab a box of my old college clothes that never fit right and donated them.

He responded, "I'm no dummy" and thanked me for my honesty.  But there was nothing really for him to thank, it was more for me to say good bye to something that didn't exist.

==

It's now 6AM and I have the sudden urge to swim laps.  I want to cleanse myself of this feeling of frustration.  I'm confused as to how people could be so careless; how they can flat out lie to their friends and themselves.

People are selfish, manipulative, disrespectful and oblivious and calling them out is something that I'm not quite good at.  But is it my job to teach?  Being nice is my M.O., but to not be critical of others, to behave like everything is okay, does more harm than good it seems especially when it causes me stress.

I'm seeing that Jimmy can be worse than me - play nice, non-confrontational, everyone is happy.  But it would feel so good just to say it:  You're a dishonest / harmful person who's convinced yourself otherwise lying to people to create this image of yourself that's not true.   You're an insecure disrespectful mess and you don't need to try that hard to make people like you.  You're irresponsible and use your friends to gain social clout and it reeks...etc.  but it's just easier to say.  "Hi... I'm great, how are you?"

The challenge is to be emphatic and ask why.  Is it insecurity?  Is it saving face? Is it fear? And once you understand the root you can forgive while holding on to your own boundaries and values.  But man, people can be really shitty and staying away can seem like the only solution.

==

I’ve been working on my relationships with people.  I apologized to two others for using them; for only reaching out when I needed something.  I thanked my friends who make me laugh, who share their joy and I told them to their face that I appreciate them and what they bring to my life.

==

Towards the end of the year I started to burden myself on checking in with friends.  I allowed myself to listen to people's depression, loneliness, insecurity, trauma without knowing that I've absorbed it all into my body.  I've grown so concerned with people's mental health that I feel like I've forgotten about my own.  But it worries me that my friends are falling a part.  I’ve already experienced a suicide of a close friend and I pray that it doesn’t happen again. 

So for 2019 and for the rest of my life I strive to be..
..transparent with my relationships
..honest with how I'm feeling and express it when appropriate to people who are important
..take care of myself and then take care of others in that order
..(bonus) - spend time with people who bring warmth to my heart and cook meals for me

Okay, crawling back into bed now because the pool is closed.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Moody

There have been moments where I ask myself, "what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Why am I having these thoughts, these feelings, these distractions?  

I've been moody lately, but I've contained it.  There have been moments in which I really want some attention.  Some comfort. Some excitement.

I'm in the mood to dance, to get some endorphins up, to feel good.  To feel sexual and carefree. To be touchy and intimate. 

At least five of my friends are experiencing depression... clinical, leaving work, losing hair, losing family, addicted to drugs, addicted to alcohol, moving to random parts of the world, feeling insecure.  

Piles and piles of emotional turmoil that some are addressing and some are suppressing.  I remind people that we need to check up on each other because life can be lonely. Hurt feels lonely.

Someone said to me that it's hard for them to talk to anyone about whatever happened or what they're feeling because they’re afraid that people are gonna be upset with them.  I can understand that, some things you just keep to yourself.  You hide your demons... to ensure that your friends believe you are who you want them to think you are. You want people to continue to like you and respect you and believe that you are...genuine, innocent, faithful, generous, caring, respectful, honest, selfless.

...and not a sack of worthless garbage that you feel you are at times.

So you lock those demons up, hoping that they don't eat you up inside; hoping that no one notices that sometimes your actions don't always match your morals.

I know I'm just in a mood.  Anything I'm dealing with just feels small.

Someone said to me, "Chris, do you go to therapy?  You don't need therapy." 
Am I really that well-adjusted? Am I really that self aware?  Am I really that level headed?

Quite possibly.  But I think moreover I know what I need to do to heal: blog, dance, chill... with others so that we can remind each other that it's okay to feel like an imperfect human.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Integrating with Family

Jimmy and I went to Orange County to celebrate my cousin's birthday.  She put out the invite one month in advance to make sure that everyone had it marked in their calendar.  She was turning 35 and wanted to celebrate for once.

I later learned that my aunt was attending.   She's a wild card; not the family favorite and divorced my biological uncle.  She got lost going to the restaurant and my cousin was already annoyed with her.

I've never came out directly to my family aside from my parents. I've never said those words. When my aunt finally arrived she asked me who the guy was sitting next to me; I hesitated.  My cousin spoke for me, "this is Jimmy!"  My aunt responded that it was great to meet him.

We sat at opposite ends of the table enjoying the restaurant's version of tostadas and loco moco.  There were about 16 people there so it was easy to stick to a few folks to talk to.

At the end of the night as my aunt prepared to leave, she looked at Jimmy and said, "Take care of Christopher.  If you don't, I'm going to come after you."  She started laughing.  Jimmy and I started laughing as well.  My aunt looked at me and said, "be you, be happy, that's the most important thing."  I thanked her as she walked away.

I melted in the moment.  I didn't realize the impact that those words that came so unexpectedly.

I was used to silence.  And I feel that most of us just accept that silence is the best thing we're going to get from our family who know we're gay officially or not.

==

Despite being together for so long, Jimmy and I have celebrated Christmas separately, but this year is different.  Jimmy's family is out of the country and he agreed to come up to San Jose to participate in both my high school Christmas party and my family's.

I told him that we have to prepare.  That all the gifts will be from "the both of us."  And he responded, "i have to get ready for your extrovert family."  Which the perfect word to describe the Christmas party that my parents always host. 

I'm excited to send the email, "Jimmy will be joining us this year!" 

And I need to get used to saying to my extended family, "This is Jimmy, he's my boyfriend of 8 years and I'm happy that he's here to celebrate Christmas with us."

This is probably the biggest step in our relationship that we've taken in a while - family integration.  Straight people don't understand how easy they have it to be able to do this without a ounce of worry, fear or stress.  And maybe one day, I'll be able to be integrated into his family....  but one step at a time.


Sunday, August 26, 2018

Is it Even Worth It?

In order for me to heal, recharge, feel like myself, I need to involve another person and that “taking a walk, break, breath” doesn’t work because I can’t clear my thoughts, but rather get lost in them when I’m alone.

I sat in a 24 hour laundromat last night and again this early morning at Echo Park lake.  Of course, I wasn't alone for long.  And whatever substance was swirling around in my body was messing with my mood, energy and concept of time.

I’m understanding more and more that gay people can be mean to each other.  I want to believe that people are nice, appreciative  and good intentioned and the side comments, casual shade and passive aggressive social media posts are just a character they play; no one really means to put down others.  But in actuality we can be pretty malicious.

Regardless of all of that, I just want to be everyone's friend. And I want to help plan your Saturdays and introduce you to other cool and nice people because I know how hard it could be to make new friends.  Or how busy we can get and forget to reach out to one another.

But - we all can't be friends.   And as a few faces no longer appear at these silly house parties that I put too much effort/self in, I can't but feel like it's because people are done with it.  Why bother trying to get everyone together when it feels like I'm forcing it upon them with direct personal invites.  I wonder if people decline because they’re just done with gay energy because of how abrasive and judgemental we could be.  Or maybe because people hooked up and it got awkward.   But it makes me happy to hear when the people that do come get something out it - they get to talk about personal things to people who get it, they find a new gym buddy, they approach a person they have a crush on... whatever it is, my space made it easier for them to connect.  At least that’s what I hope.

Yesterday was exhausting.  It was a marathon of drinking and smoking and it took a lot out of me to make sure people were having fun.  It took a lot out of me to force my roommates to decorate, clean, prepare and see them act in obligation.  It took a lot out of me to take to heart when someone who was supposed to help dismisses it.  It took a lot out of me to coordinate 18 different personalities around town event hopping in DTLA and I was worn down and feeling unappreciated.

As an attention seeking, self congratulating, party planner - feeling unappreciated is probably one of the most hurtful things for me to experience.  It makes me question if it was even worth it to get people together.

And it is.  Because that’s who I am and what I do.  And I may position these parties and get-to-gethers as a "safe space" for a "community of under represented, marginalized group of people" aka gaysians, but it's actually a safe space for me.  So that I don't feel alone... and being able to share it with you makes me whole and happy.