Sunday, November 6, 2016
Here I am at Stories Bookstore in Echo Park after Jimmy left me to see his family in the Inland empire as usual. Sundays after breakfast are reserved for personal time. I sat down at Stories' patio and immediately saw a familiar gaysian face. What is this unrealized super hero power that I have that prevents me from doing things alone? Thank you.
I chatted with my friend for 30 minutes about this guy that he has a "labelless" relationship with and how it torments him. He started dumping on me and I enjoyed it. Tell me about your job, tell me about your home, tell me about your dating life. Let my extrovert self absorb your energy and give me life.
I engaged and told him that sometimes suppressing it can make it worse. Unfollowing, blocking... really forcing the guy to just disappear from your eyes and hopefully disappear from your mind isn't always helpful since your consciously doing it. If we could control our thoughts and emotions, our lives would be much more productive. So just let it happen... follow them back on social media because you're checking his page daily and just let reality kick in with time. But this "relationship" with this guy has been going on for 5 years now... sounds like "getting over it" will prove to be more challenging.
He would randomly text my friend asking for book recommendations, sharing links... initiating conversation only to disappear. My friend sighed, I understood the frustration. These little games we play. Could be fun, but eventually becomes a waste of time. Why do we do this to ourselves?
After our chat, he got up and told me he was going to go to the park to read and then rock climb. I went on to facebook and added him to my "LA Reconnect" friend list. It's nice to have local friends and that's something that I DO appreciate about Weho - the opportunity to casually run into people you know, but you also run into people you know and are trying to avoid.
This morning I was at a Starbucks in Hollywood and I said out loud, "Ryan, can you review my script!?" And Ryan whispers to me, "the guy next to you is actually reviewing a script print out." I laughed. I love Los Angeles.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Jimmy asked me if I could refer his recently graduated little brother to jobs in media. His current start up gig was abusive and he had enough.
I reached out to some old coworkers on Linkedin and within hours Jimmy's brother got a phone call, in two days he scheduled an interview and within the week he went in and got the job.
I spent about an hour and a half adding industry jargon to his application answers to secure his spot. His ideas were there, I just developed on them. I prepared him for the interview by telling him what he should expect and how to approach it. He was very qualified - his experience, his interest and the timing was right. When a media agency has a spot, they fill it fast. When he got the job I felt this amazing feeling of accomplishment. This older brother mentorship that I've been lacking even though I have a little brother that needs guidance himself.
With my little brother, I feel useless. His interests, his goals, his life approach is completely different than mine. No advice I could provide would be helpful or would even resonate with him. Theater production? Voice acting? Online gaming? I wouldn't even know where I would begin to guide him and feel awful and selfish for being such a terrible older brother.
We're as different as can be. 6 years a part. But these studio pictures will always be a part of what we do together. In the end, he'll figure it out. He's finally feeling the pressure to leave his bedroom and accomplish something. I have a theory that dragon mom and helicopter dad never existed in my house because their oldest (me) figured out everything on his own and left the nest immediately. With my brother present, the family is still physically together. He's home taking care of our parents and grandpa which is more impactful than my twice a week Facetime with Mom.
|Dad's 60th Dinner|
I feel as though my brother can really provide my parents with that happiness that I can't provide.
What is that Asian American dream? Successful kids, beautiful grandchildren all living together in Silicon Valley. Early retirement? Large Christmas parties with children and noise. What life did my parents expect to have when they moved to the US? It certainly wasn't this.
While Facetiming with Mom, she basically told me how she's watching Grandpa die in the hospital/nursing home. His kidney was acting up. She grew sad and saw her future in him. "It feels so lonely." To my mom, blood comes before anything else and a "gay family" just means friends - people who you can't really count on to grow old with you. Loneliness seems to be something that my life facilitates: living in Los Angeles with my boyfriend + never being able to provide her grandchildren. And maybe that's why there's little to no pressure for my brother to leave the house. Him and his girlfriend are welcome to live the townie life - get local jobs and provide my parents with a larger family. It's his job to provide that heteronormative American dream. And what am I doing? Selfishly gallivanting in Los Angeles like Peter Pan collecting lost boys; more friends, not family.
But at least I helped out someone's family and start jumped their career. For that moment I felt like I was being helpful and not selfish.
Monday, October 3, 2016
In my quest to being independent, I defaulted to going to Echo Park Lake to spend time with myself. I had a picnic blanket, a book and a warm LA day. I had exhausted my contact list and said to myself that I need to learn to be alone - finally. I found a spot and enjoyed watching a lesbian couple play catch with a softball. I noticed two gaysian boys sitting a few meters away who turned out to be my friend Jon and his friend visiting from Australia.
My effort at solitude was foiled and I was relieved. We talked about family, life, the difference between Australia and the US, relationships and the Aussie recommended the book "The Course of Love by Alain de Botton. He shared a quote, "he will need to learn that love is a skill and not an enthusiasm." The author also talks about how when we hurt our lovers, it usually isn't malicious but because we are hurting ourselves etc. etc.
This is something that we should be aware of. To this Jon said, "well Chris, I feel that you're pretty self aware." Maybe too aware as I talked about being 90% extrovert to the group... again. I expressed interest in the book because reading isn't a group activity.
The Aussie also talked about "The Family Law" which is the Aussie version of "Fresh Off the Boat" It's based off the life a Chinese-Australian who's basically the gaysian version of David Sedaris. OF COURSE I became interested.
I ended up having dinner with the Aussie without Jon where we walked about 2 miles to get a burger because these "real" city people really love walking. He got nostalgic and recounted 2 years of his life being lonely in LA. He lived without a car, he jumped from house to house never having a lease. He always had a book and sunglasses in a bag. He was free, but his time in LA expired.
As we got to know each other, I said to him that sometimes I feel like I miss dating. The uncertainty. The art of flirting, but playing hard to get. The science of overthinking and over calculating. The feeling of being attractive, valuable, wanted. The balance of obsessing and being cool. The frustration of eventually asking, "what are doing?!" I don't play video games, but I remember that I enjoyed playing the dating game because it made me feel human. But maybe not as much as some of my friends who are notorious serial daters. Some folks seeing 5 different guys casually within a week and others in many 1 year relationships back to back.
"Oh god. You're not missing much." The Aussie responded in his mesmerizing accent. He told me a few horror stories, but the point is at 33, he has no more time for that bullshit.
At the end of the night we exchanged numbers and email and I basically walked him to the door of his AirBnB. For a moment I humored the thought that I had just completed a really nice "date" where the conversation was fluid, the feeling of getting to know a stranger was present, and a connection was made beyond finding commonalities like going down a checklist.
It's a problem when your dating pool is the same as your friend pool and you have to constantly question if the person was just being friendly. Which I always am because #extrovert. It's also a really tiny pool. A friend of mine was dating two guys who then turned out to be friends. Terrible.
But of course, it wasn't a date. Two things have to happen for it to be a date - someone treats and you don't talk about your current boyfriend Jimmy for about a quarter of the time. As we separated, I started to think about which thirsty friend of mine would like him the most and how I now have a housing option in Australia!
He texted me this morning with a selfie in front of the taco stand we talked about. If this was following a date, then he just threw the ball into my court and it was up to me to respond or reject. I humored my imagination and I began to feel this false "enthusiasm." This could potentially be a back and forth, overthought ambiguous exchange that takes so much time and energy and that most single people in their 30's are tired of having to do. But of course, he was being friendly, just as I was and I jumped out of the hypothetical. I switched over to Jimmy's text window and told him that I'm bringing home salad for him.
He responded gratefully and lovingly, "Thank you babyy!" Like he does... every time.
I re-read my post about sex positivity in the gaysian community and man, do I sound uber naive. About 10 of my SF friends participated in Folsom this year. Not just spectated, but actually dressed up with harnesses and skin. What a sheltered bubble that I live in.
|Living for my friend's heels|
Sunday, September 25, 2016
I really romanticize the DTLA skyline, but my recent work trip in August made me realize that Chicago and New York have some definite style. I guess DTLA just has the mountains in the back, a nice orange hue because of pollution and it's quite pleasant to look at coming from any highway entering it.
This view of Manhattan from the Hudson River park is quite stunning especially during sunset. It was so nice to watch local joggers go back and forth.
Joe lives in Hell's Kitchen which is the new gay neighborhood in Manhattan. He lives in the sky. I asked the door man, which floor 30A was and he said... 30th floor. I'm sorry, I'm Los Angeles... most buildings are 2 stories!
Thursday, September 22, 2016
I've always turned to the small screen to find people I could relate to. I feel like I've collected a few videos and wanted to post them since I was all about these webseries in my previous post.
Some old gaysian shorts:
Are you my boyfuck or boyfriend? Simple concept with actors that look like my friends.
Do You, Andy (2012)
I've shared this before, but I love this one so much
Thanks, Dads (2014)
I don't know many gay couples with kids, but this really made it a possibly
And I'm so proud of Andrew's film Spa Night which I got to see on the big screen.
And the fact that he has only 1K followers on instagram makes he very approachable. He can be our friend that everyone dreams about. This web series staring the guy that did the video "What actually happens when gay guys see other gay guys and straight people aren't around" is hilarious! I found my self laughing until I almost cried.
I remember really liking The Outs and being very aroused by Hunting Season which is just soft core porn. Both series take place in New York.
I haven't gotten the chance to watch The EastSiders which I've added to the list.
Paper boys takes place in San Francisco and stars a gaysian, but only has 3 episodes!! Come on guys! We want more!
Her Story is exceptional story about trans and queer women that had me crying as well. It's up for an Emmy award!
There's something about how amateur and raw these web series are. It feels as though I'm closer to the characters especially since I know a few folks personally in the entertainment space.
Some recommendations that I got:
Love Sick - Thai Drama
Disposable Teans - gay teen who is forced to runaway from home after coming out of the closet.
Cómo conocí a la chica de Ludisoft - Spanish series not too sure what it's about
G&T - Italian web series that seems to be very popular
Free Fall - Black web series from 2013 and has continued momentum
Spin the Bottle - Looks terribly corny
Alex and Benny - Chinese guys being domestic
Heroin - Chinese high school drama.. looks interesting
And during my research I stumbled upon this cringe-worthy gem:
So awkward, so preachy... and something I don't get being so sticky rice.
Here we go:
Much better.. except he better get stood up at 7:30.. oh hell.
Tuesday, September 20, 2016
|Trying on leather 101|
The sex dwindles the deeper you enter your long term relationship. And you would think that Jimmy and I would talk more about it, but we don't because things have just become so comfortable. And at times sex feels like a chore or a check list item between laundry and cooking because we're supposed to be doing it at least once a week to be considered "a healthy couple" reaching the 5th.. or was 6th year mark of our relationship. This weekend we got to talking about what we need from each other. And what do you know, we had amazing louder-than-usual sex. Wow, communication works instead of just blaming it on our mismatched schedules.
I had forgotten that I have 6 erogenous zones and Jimmy only has 1. And that I really needed to say what I wanted him to do... in order to have my eyes roll behind my head. And now I'm craving more and he's out in Atlanta for work getting black dick without me.
When I visited Brooklyn, a group of new friends started to talk about sex positivity among the gaysian community; specifically about kink. They addressed that gaysians just don't talk about it and that needs to change, but I argued, do they not talk about whips and chains because it really doesn't excite them? That a community of freaky deaky gaysians is really small? But maybe, it doesn't exist because we don't talk about it. A paradox. I know that some folks think that my house parties are lined with sex, but they are really sexless parties, esp. compared to some other gay spaces I've had the pleasure of being invited to. Regardless, the 321 space offers other forms of pleasantries that I am grateful for.
I know the gaysians in my circle who are freaks and I try to n'sync them together. To create a small sub-community within a sub-community within a sub-community. There's a curiosity here to really elevate sexual pleasure and desire that's not really addressed and maybe it's time to get out of comfort and really experiment with things other than just generically "boys."
Without a doubt I feel like the gaysians in New York and San Francisco are hooking up way more than Angelenos. Why? Because your erection disappears when your $15 uber gets lost. Or you don't know where to park. Or you're not that drunk because you have to drive. Car culture has really ruined hooking up. And at times I feel like my friends are really sex-less because of this or because they're not talking about it. But let's change all of that.
More sex. More talk about sex. And... how many erogenous zones do you feel have been neglected?
Just saw some Folsom pictures from the Gaysians in SF. High heels, asses out. Love love love.