Sunday, June 15, 2008

Life is Passing Me By

4 Weeks since getting laid off
2 Weeks since getting arrested

Days have been flying by and I'm starting to panic because I feel like LIFE is passing me by. Mony told me that people who are BUMS are unattractive. He said that it doesn't matter if you're hot, if you aren't doing anything with your life then there's NO point in trying to date you. I started to stress. I felt further undesirable!

These pass weeks have been interesting... and the stories have been piling up.

June 1-7: Learning about the Law
I ended up hiring the "good guy." But I'm worried, because after he got my money, he has been less responsive to my calls. My mom told me that I may have hired a crook. I know it's worse than that, I hired a LAWYER!

In my calendar I marked "One Year Since Really Bad Skin." To my depression, my skin in one week shifted back to it's original state one year ago. I'm talking about a HUGE break out that I haven't seen since last year in June. It made me wonder if it was because "every JUNE i have bad skin" or it was because of all this stress and my face fell victim. Purely frustrating, in a matter of ONE week, I was back to where I started. And my once awesome regime is now subject to question... it doesn't matter that I'm taking the right pill, or using the right creme; if Im stressed OR if it's June... I will break out regardless.. BAH

June 8-11: Emotional Recovery
Everyday I went swimming for half an hour then lift weights.
I get home and walk around shirtless after a quick shower. Heh he. I should keep this up.

June 10: DUI School
Every week there's a cheesy title. This week was the "family system." I learned how alcohol can affect the family structure. I learned about the punnet square of alcoholism in genetics. I watch a video about finding the source of addition through adolescent trauma.

Interesting. The teacher was passionate, so I was glad. And the class itself was made of 10 white people, 9 Asians, 8 Latinos and 1 Black person.... and one cute boy. Cough* To my luck, I ran into a friend there. LoL. Yay! And two hours of DUI class, didn't seem SO bad.

June 12: Downtown... already?
I've been hanging with my friend's EX, Anthony. We click very well. It felt like a date only because the conversation was so fluid and there were no awkward moments, but rather a lot of feel good moments. But of course, I wouldn't date the guy anyway because he's my friend's EX.

I met this girl Ada at my birthday. I fell in love with her the minute I met her and if I were straight, I would date her. She invited me and Anthony to Motif downtown which sucked according to them because the music was so bad. Even though it was too soon be going out to downtown again, I figured that I needed to remind myself how to interact with straight people and I wasn't planning on drinking PERIOD! This is my adventure in summary:

1. Can't find Passport (My ID was confiscated by SJPD)
2. Drove to Downtown to meet Mony hoping that I left it in his car (it wasn't)
3. Drove back home to search my house again. Passport was under the passenger seat the entire time.
4. Drive back downtown, parked and got a call from Ada, "we are in front of the line! HURRY!"
5. Run to Motif, handed passport to bouncer. Bouncer explained, "I can't accept this, it's easy to fake, and there is no description." GAH!

It's official. God hates me. I am being punished with every breath I take.

I figured that he wasn't bending the rules because it was already a meat factory up in Motif and I was an easy number to turn down. Anthony and I checked out SJ Bar and Grill, Koji Sake Lounge and Dive Bar (it was 80's night!). We managed to have a great time anyway, just talking about life. And I met up with Ada's group after at LaVics. Good times.

June 13: The WORST Movie Ever and June Dragon
I missed May Dragon and Joe convinced me to go, plus it was a friend's birthday. After watching The Happening which I highly recommend because it was SO bad that the audience booed, we headed to the City. There was nothing new. Dragon was Dragon. Though there was this shirtless train wreck 50 year old go-go dancer wearing bad hot pants that made me embarrassed of being gay and Asian.

I talked to a friend from Berkeley who told me a lot of personal things. "To be honest with you... the sex is horrible...we are BOTH bottoms. But that doesn't matter because I LOVE him! We've been dating for 2 YEARS! If it were up to me, I WANT him to go fuck around, I WANT him to have good SEX! It's JUST SEX! What we have is MORE than SEX." What he was saying resonated in my head. I wish that others were capable of being so honest.

I tried to dance with a couple of new people. Try to be more aggressive (like I wasn't already). But it felt awkward. Maybe because I was sober... but for some reason, I felt unwanted. Eh, I didn't let that bother me... at least I was out and about.

I talked to the birthday boy and he was oddly comforting in his drunken state. "How are you doing Chris... no really HOW are you doing?" I felt that he was being sincere and confided in him a little. "Chris... you deserve a lot better." His words echoed in my head and continued his response, "Im sorry... I was in a weak state." I forgave the birthday boy for what happened a long while back... like I forgave half the community for its definition. Because, we all find ourselves "in a weak state" and we hurt each other... endlessly. I realized this the next day.

"You know, your friend is so cute.. I just want to take care of him." I knew for a fact that my friend didn't have feelings for the birthday boy... but was it my place to tell him? I made it my place, "actually, he only thinks of you as a friend." "Oh... thanks for telling me, I won't waste my time." He was crushed. I kissed him on the cheek and walked away.

Why did I do that? I justified my actions: because I was looking out for my friend; it was what my friend wanted me to do. I concluded with further analysis the real reason: because the birthday boy hurt me in the past. So I felt justified to lightly jab at his heart. This of course was subconscious and only realized after the fact. Like Mean Girls, Mean Gays are so mean to each other.

(Notice MoAny's Fuck-Me Face in the picture on the right.)

The next day was my long awaited Safari Adventure! That deserves it's OWN blog entry!

Protect Every Kiss:


dannie said...

i find it funny you call moAny's face "fuck me face"

moAny said...

If I saw myself with that fuck me face ... I'd say "I'll just do myself instead" ... Therefore, I certainly hope its not my fuck me face. I think its more of my drunk face.

J. said...

digging that striped polo you're wearing!