Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Today I visited my Grandpa.

I haven't seen him in about 4 months and thought that it was appropriate to see how he was doing. I was supposed to visit him for his birthday, but my mom advised me not to because it would make him sad to be reminded of how old he was. So I put off visiting him until today. When I entered his apartment, I saw him sitting two feet away from the big screen watching SBTN (Saigon Broadcasting Television Network) with the volume on max.

When he saw me he reached his hand out for a hand shake and I bent over for a hug. After that he looked back at the TV. After a couple of minutes, he asked me if I was hungry and I ate some eggrolls that the caretaker had purchased for him.

I yelled in his ear, "I JUST WANTED TO VISIT YOU! THANK YOU FOR THE STUFFED DOG!" A couple of weeks ago, I found a stuffed bear, actually, on my bed. My mom told me that he got it for me and laughed, "he still thinks you're a kid."

My grandpa was confused at what I was saying and responded, "I can't hear much anymore." The caretaker yelled into his ear what I was saying. He smiled with his dentures pat me on the shoulder and walked back into his room and sat back two feet from the TV. I talked to the caretaker, "he's a bit slow now, huh...?" She responds, "not slow... just deaf."

I examined the apartment. There was this toy bug hanging from the wall, I asked the caretaker about it, she responds, "your grandpa." I walked to the little apartment patio and found some plants. My grandpa loves plants, he used to grow giant squash behind our house. Squash that my grandma would make soup out of. He also grew peppers to make chili.

I followed him into his room, the same room where my grandma passed away, and curled up next to him. On the walls were nails haphazardly nailed into the wall and random shit hanging from them: nail clippers, back scratcher, headphones. It reminded me of the poor house of my cousin in Vietnam. I remembered my mom telling me that he was happy I found a job back in August, but today he didn't ask about it. He didn't seem to have much to say to me, he didn't ask why I wasn't at work and continued to watch the Vietnamese News as if I wasn't there. Five minutes later I got up to leave.

"I'M GOING HOME NOW! BYE! ...... I MISS YOU!" He waved and the caretaker shut the door.


When my grandma was alive we would have dinner at their apartment. When she passed away, I stopped going. My mom would visit him once a week. My brother sometimes after school if he had no where to be. My dad concerned with his own mom to visit his wife's dad on a weekly basis. We now have dinner at home.

Some how my mom manages to cook a feast coming home from work at 4 everyday. She asked me if I could help take my brother to summer school, not so much now that my license has been revoked. My parents don't say much about the DUI. They don't seem disappointed, just stressed.

And without a job, it's difficult for me to keep my mind of things.

I haven't cried. I don't remember the last time I cried. Oh yeah, during The Veiled Moon May 2007, where my character was forced to cry on stage because he just killed someone. And maybe at my Aunt's funeral back in January.

When I visited MoAny at his work place I reached for a hug and he patted me on the back playfully. When he realized that I wasn't letting go, he tightened his grip. And I began to tear up. I released before I started to cry.

I realized that if I had someone to cuddle with I would cry in their arms all night as they told me that everything will be fine. And I would believe them because they genuinely loved me and I genuinely loved them back...

My cousin told me that bad things shouldn't happen to good people
My exboyfriend told me that he never wanted to hurt me
My friends told me that I am amazing, inspiring... gifted
My parents told me that they are proud of me.

Everyone is lying. I'd rather be deaf than to hear any more of your lies...

...shit. I'm crying.. right not. I fucking hate this.


dannie said...

I don't think everyone is lying. we're all human and people make mistakes, most of the time not purposely. you're still amazing, gifted and inspiring and i'm sure your parents are still proud of you. don't let the bad things bring you down, you'll get pass this. it's just another obstacle to get through.

JV said...

shut up. we aren't lying.