Saturday, August 16, 2014
Lots of things weren't working for me that evening. My awkward expression as a reaction to being yelled at. My shirt that's one size too small even though I recently bought it and my hair which fell flat on my head giving me a really nice middle school look. It's also not my best side.
One of the comedians that evening made a joke about how we look in the mirror and get disgusted with ourselves until we find the perfect angle. When we find our go-to angle we say to ourselves, "I'm hot shit" and continue with out day. After seeing this picture I declined an outing in Hollywood, Sunset Strip. I felt inadequate. I came home and showed Jimmy pouting - "HOW CAN YOU LOVE SOMEONE THIS UGLY!" He looked at this picture and started to laugh! Defending his chuckles as a reaction at the silly expression that I had. But to me, this is what I look like that evening. And it made me sad. This is what I look like when I'm not smiling, adjusting, posing for a camera. I dramatically concluded from this photo that I have completely let myself go and I should just jump into the gross tank and die.
The next day I put more product in my hair, wore a better shirt and took a selfie. There it was... my angle. Hair is up, mustache is macho, tummy is hidden, eyes are soft. This is the guy that I think I look like.. this is the guy that I think appears in front of people 24/7. This is #me.
It's a reassurance. It's an adjustment of my reflection that I'm satisfied with which allows me to feel confident, capable and valuable. Regardless of what people say - "stop it, you look fine!" The only thing that can convince me is... a selfie. A selfie that is not candid, but rather an image of the BEST angle, best expression, best side, and best lighting. Completely not candid... completely a facade.
And it helps that people "like it" to make me feel that much better, giving me more self worth. You can conclude that more reassurance is achieved with frequent selfies. And this one picture was sufficient... for the weekend. 15 likes? Including my own like? I'll take it.
#selfie #nofilter #selfimage #candid
at 12:43 PM