Friday, May 29, 2015

Is There a Particular Cake?

My manager asked me today about where I see myself... career-wise.  I told her that my new multi-million dollar accounts that I've acquired present enough of a challenge that I feel engaged in the job and I'm happy with where I am now.  Though with layoffs and friends quitting, the company really wasn't as great as it used to be.  I couldn't answer her; I don't know what my future looks like.  I don't know what the next steps are career wise or even personal.

I'm 30 in a few days and I guess the main question is am I happy with who I am?

Maybe not.  But that's expected, we're not perfect.  

I find myself petty.  
I find myself selfish.
I find myself obnoxious.

And I can tell that Jimmy struggles with trying to handle me.  Handle my energy and expectations.  The other night he told me that he felt guilty for not giving me the attention that I was pining for.  So I just apologized, told him not to feel guilty and left the bedroom because I didn't know what else to do.  He came to the living room and gave me the warmest hug and told me to come back up.

This is a portrait that Jimmy took of me early this month before I cut off 3 inches on the top.  The hair wave is cool, but it was getting heavy and wild and I'm glad Jimmy captured it in a photo.  He captures and remembers everything positive and negative about life, about me.

20 minutes ago Jimmy caught me chatting with someone about not trusting him to get my birthday cake in time.  I was mortified that he saw it. My body got hot.   He was hurt that I felt that way.  And though I explained why.. that I would have ordered the cake a week ago and that I was worried ... it didn't stop him from feeling shitty.  So we're just sitting here in silence while he downloads songs for my party this weekend and I get pensive about what just happened.

I feel selfish.  Selfish for not being able to appreciate him and trust him to do things for me just because he does them differently.  It must be really difficult to date someone who's so particular about random things.... like ordering cake.

One year I told my parents that I wanted a strawberry birthday cake, but they got me a rectangular cake with other fruits... I remember being really upset.  I think I was... 11.  Wow.

I'm thinking about other things that I'm particular about.  One year Jimmy bought me a Moleskine for Christmas and it was the Peanuts edition.  I couldn't just appreciate it because it was not the plain design that I liked.  But I used it any way because it was from him.  But not before inadvertently making him feel bad about it.

And it's painfully ironic because I take pride in being easy going and low maintenance... but birthday cake and moleskine are two things I'm very particular about.... and music at night clubs, haircuts, wasted food, driving to certain places.  Oh gawd....

I'm turning 30 and I could be happier with who I am, but for now I'm just trying to understand who I am and being completely self aware.  I'm quite lucky to have someone who puts up with me... I'm going to go give him a hug now and tell him I'm sorry again...but that's hard to do because he's particular about his personal space.  I guess that's the challenge of trying to fit together.

No comments: