Monday, August 27, 2012

Straight Guy Handshake

I just started a new job and the biggest challenge I'm facing is not the new projects, roles or location.  Though location is pretty challenging as I face life-or-death stress taking the 110 to the 105 competing with people who are late for their flight out of LAX.  But as long as I make a left at the Zankou chicken I'm good to go.

Though today I almost rear ended someone and cut off about 5 people.  I'm starting to miss my local street route at my old job full of potholes, buses and cars turning right from the middle lane... almost.

The biggest challenge I'm facing is the straight guy handshake.

My old job was dominated by fabulous.  Gay guys, lady friends.  Fierce and fun.  "hey girl hey" echoed down the halls and I ran the show with my sashay and obnoxious blurts of frustration and joy depending on the type of day I was having.  Replace that with fantasy football and girl talk and I have a new dynamic to adapt to.

How do gay guys greet each other?  Hugs.  We hug each other.  I just met you, and this is crazy, but we are homo... so let's hug it out baby.

How do straight guys do it?  It's a combination of some weird handshake, fist pound, hand slap followed by a pat on the back, ass squeeze if it's related to sports or snap/explosion to show how cool/in-the-know you are.

It's not that I'm not coordinated, it's just that I can't predict movements.   It's completely stressful.  And I stress bullets when I see someone come at me to say bye.  Fuuuuckk.. here it comes.  And when I successfully get it... there's a second level: how do I close it?    There have been so many situations where I inadvertently leave them hanging or I'm left hanging so I cover up by touching myself. (brush my hair or clap.  I think I clapped once.)

If my lack of girl talk, photo of Jimmy on my iPhone doesn't out me, my straight guy handshake fails will.  Though I think I have a solution: high fives.

See you next week.  "high five!"  That way it's one movement.  No follow-up and I'll come off as a very enthusiastic swim teacher.  I'll let you know how it goes, but I almost would rather be stuck in traffic than decode this straight guy language.  #gayguyproblems

....but if I ever get it right.  I'd be like this:

.....but this is more likely ... thanks for hiring me, my reports are done... have a good weekend.

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