Tuesday, December 14, 2010

When Straight Guys Use Gay Guys

It's pretty obvious when I hit on a guy.  But I was a little unprepared for this one.

This new guy appeared into my life a couple of months ago and he was uber cute.  I couldn't tell if he was gay or not, but he dressed well, was my height and had a killer smile.  I did what I usually do when I hit on guys - put on my giraffe hat and my fuck-me face and make conversation.  "HOW YOU DOIN?"

He was friendly, I talked to him on AIM pretty aggressively and weaseled my way into being facebook friends where I discovered that he had ZERO friends in common and that he played volleyball.  gay.  Someone of a different circle, how interesting.  And of course, playing this twisted which-team-do-you-play-on game excited me.

I talked to him after hours when I saw him online as well and sent him random pictures of things I thought were funny.  Subtle flirtation turned to max.

He began to give off vibes.  He hollered at me when I walked by to show me random shit and made small talk.  He touched my shoulders and arms bromantically as we passed through the halls.  Sweet!

Finally, I got him in an alcoholic setting where he put his arm around my shoulder, *swoon.*
"hey!" I was thrilled that he was being really friendly.
"buy me a drink"
"excuse me?"
"dude when ever I go to gay bars, dudes always buy me a drink."

He was already two shots in.  We were not at a gay bar, but he continued raving about gay places.  Apparently his gay friends take him out all the time.  "Gay bar" is the biggest coming out topic bomb you can drop, but he talked about going gay clubbing in a different way than I had anticipated.

He continued, "I love GAY bars! Girls have their guard down, they are so easy!"
"Right, they trust you.  They just want to dance."
"exactly... anyway, do you ever notice that girl?  man, she's hot." He pointed across the bar.
"She's cute." I didn't agree, but I just said yeah.
"Yeah.. I'm not gay or anything." He dropped the, just-to-clarify bomb.
"I didn't think so."  I lied. he was compensating and he continued to talk about every girl in the room as if he was trying to provide evidence that he wasn't gay despite everything he had said/done two seconds ago.

"Which gay bar did you go to?" I asked him.
"Uhh dude, i dont know.. um.. Cherry pop?"  what a liar, he knew where he was.
"I LOVE CHERRY POP!" I exclaimed as I was just there this weekend.
"Of course you do." The way he said this made me feel uneasy.

I walked away felling weird.  He was such a dude-bro.  He talked about how the girl he was eying had a boyfriend, but "whatever."  I felt taken advantage of.  He wanted ME to buy HIM a drink knowing that I was flirting with him in the beginning.


Like any self respecting American party boy, I will buy drinks for pretty girls and then dance with them.  But if I'm buying a boy a drink it's because 1.) they're my friend or 2.) there's potential for something.  But I ain't buying you a drink so you can relive your awesome gay club experiences just because you want to capitalize on my obvious interest.

I think it's hilarious when this happens to other gay guys.  But man, when it happens to you... you feel so used.

I saw him again that night where he told me I should be his wing man.  He probably saw that I was getting groovy with the ladies.  I joked that I would be good and he agreed.  "OF COURSE YOU WOULD!"  God.  SUCH a user.  He wanted a gay friend to buy him drinks and get him into some panties.  How evil, how nasty.... how brilliant.  ugh.

I need to stop this straight/closeted fetish.

Anyway.  I shouldn't be hitting on any boys anyway and retire this giraffe hat.  My sexy HOW YOU DOIN face is too hawt to be used this often.


Madeline said...

And this is when you ask all your hot girl friends to give him a taste of his own medicine. jk jk.

Anonymous said...

UGH! Been there, done that... and couldn't walk away! (HI5!!)
*groan* Sometimes, you're just stupid to know better and get out of that. My first boy-crush at school totally abused his boy-crush previleges, got me to do his homework and literally almost be his slave... but luckily, now i know better! and THANK GOD~ hehe

mich said...

EW. my friend told me there are guys who kinda pretend to be gay to get into girls' pants, but i didn't believe him... maybe it's true!

Luuworld said...

what a filthy user! if this happened to me, i'd have to run home and shower for hours like a rape victim. that's how dirty it would make me feel! haha

thwany said...

that dude owes you a fucking drink!

mich said...

i think you felt really weird too because this guy who you probably thought was pretty cool at first turned out to be such a douchebag. which yaknow, transcends gay/straight lines.

Anonymous said...

I think the 'weird' is called "F-U MOFO!" mich!!

Will said...

Ugh gross. Hot straight guys who taunt gay guys with their hotness are lame.

Unless they're on sean cody, in which case they're national treasures.

I totally feel like this article reads like a letter to Dan Savage. So in that vein I will tell you to DTMFA and avoid this weirdo.