Saturday, August 30, 2008

Community Service: Last Day

Last day was fun.
By this point I made some friends and conversations were less forced.

I learned that grand theft auto boy actually just borrowed cars in the Cupertino area, because the affluent retards leave the keys in their car at night. He would take them for a joy ride and return them with the gas that he used and in "better condition."

Then he got caught. What a hobby.

==
We had an interesting conversation about race and such...
This guy was like, I'm black, white and Indian. I'm like.. I HOPE he's not referring to native American, but he was.

Hi I'm Chris, I'm oriental.
Ridiculous. (Am I being arrogant? I dunno, I think ppl should know these things)
==
I wanted to get a haircut to celebrate my freedom.
I was excited to find a new hair salon in Japantown and walked in.

I talked to the lady and she was pure fob. THE WRONG KIND!
GAH, VIETNAMESE!?!?!?!? WHY!?

==

Community Service wasn't terrible, but the whole shenanigan was a successful punishment. It was prolonged and really prevented me from achieving anything I wanted to do with my time, but it's close to being over.

Two Important Dates:
September 16: Last day of DUI school
November 16: My full licenses in returned.

Almost there.
==

Time to grow up.
I told my mom that by living at home I'm not able to grow up because I don't let myself be responsible because I'm not forced to. She said, "it doesn't matter where you are, if you are a mature person, you will be responsible anywhere you go." But with the luxury of home, it's a bit hard... eh, I'm just making excuses.

But you know, I think I need a wake up call.
I'm planning an escape. On Sept 16 I'm going to fly to Hawaii for a week with the forbidden fruit. *GASP* And then pay homage to Saigon for two months.

By myself!!! With nothing but some cash and one suitcase.
Maybe I will find something there... because I'm not finding it here.

Please wish me luck.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Community Service Day 4:Flirting with Danger

Back folding clothes in the basement of the Jail in inmate services. Endless I tell you.

The first day I arrived at the main jail, I immediately noticed this really cute guy. It wasn't until today that I had the opportunity to flirt with him. I purposely folded shirts next to him while he sorted the bins in the basement of the jail.

"Are you part Korean?" I asked because he made a comment that made me suspect it.
"Actually, I'm Japanese."
"So Japanese and white?"
"Japanese, Okinawan and some European that I haven't traced." He explained how much pride he had being Okinawan. EEE cuteeee.

"So.. how many days do you have?"
"30, I go in Monday through Saturday, I rest Sunday."
"Wow, so... what you'd do?"
"....oh, I uh... stole a car." He had a cute sheepish smile that sold me when I first saw him.

Okay. SO.... he was screaming, not dateable... but man, something about a bad boy made me continuously interested. Imagine me telling the story, "so howd you guys meet?" "Oh at community service he just stole a car and I was drunk driving....it was his smile that caught my attention as we were sorting through orange underwear from prisoners." Anyway...

"How old are you?" Let's be safe right?
"18" WHAT THE FUCK!?!??!!??!?!? OMG!! WHY?! Please don't think I'm pedophilic, he looked really old, but that's what they all say right? But, hey, I DIDN'T KNOW!

I asked him about school, family, music etc. He was so adorable. (K, now you can think I'm pedophilic). He started to talk about how he's musical, a break dancer, and wants to travel the world; he named 10 specific countries. He wants to go to places to understand cultures so that he can work in social justice. He confidently explained that people who support immigrants, don't know what they really need because they've never been to the country.

He was passionate about social justice, he expressed how he really enjoyed volunteering to get people to register to vote. I could tell in his voice, he genuinely loved it.

I was confused to why someone with so much direction would steal a car.

He explained that he just needed to be punished for something. He needed a wake up call... and stealing car seemed to be an adequate solution. Maybe no one was offering him reality so he decided to ask for it on plate. But he was close to getting a felony.

It makes sense. We become too comfortable.

The entire day he caught me staring at him and he returned a smile, but not because he was flirting back. He was just being goofy and didn't care to know me. He didn't ask me anything. He just talked about what makes him excited... I was going to ask him if he wanted to grab something to eat after the community service, but then he talked about he just wants to nap when he gets home because he was talking to all these random girls last night.

Heh. Oh well.
======================

Jail Time.
This new guy told me that he was put in jail for 4 months for "breaking up a fight." He was charged with assault with one year left in college. When he got out, he couldn't sleep in regular beds because they are too soft. The beds in jail are one inch thick on top of metal and he rolled a blanket to make a pillow. When he's at home, he just sits in silence because in Jail, there was always noise.

He wasn't angry, depressed... he had already made it to acceptance in the grieving process.

The people I met in community service that I hope to see again:
-Cocktail Waitress at Britannian Arms
-Bartender at Straights in Santana Row
-Young Chef at new European Restaurant in Milpitas
======================

Jail itself
It's an interesting place, camera's everywhere. Doors are controlled from a station and don't open unless other doors are closed. Inmates wearing red wear chains around their ankles because they are on highest security. Their crime- unthinkable.

Today I ate what the prisoners ate: beans and tortilla in a TV dinner style tray that was nuked in an industrial microwave. It was terrible.

Another prisoner tried to commit suicide. They makes spears out of paper and attack themselves.

Do I deserve to be here?
The answer is yes.

===========================
I Deserve to Be Here
I've been writing indignant entries about this whole experience. Selfishly declaring it as an unfortunate event in my undeserving life and picking pieces of it as learning tools to make me a better person. Trying to convince myself that it's no big deal when it is.

Because of Jacqueline Saburido.
I felt nauseous reading her story.
She has the most beautiful voice ever.

I could have killed someone.
I was lucky enough to be pulled over.

And I realized this on my own. Not because of what I'm being force fed at DUI school, not because of the community service or fines. Not because I hear statistics... but because I stumbled upon a "survivor" of drunk driving.

Now I know why people don't talk about their DUI's because it makes them feel ashamed. Because it's wrong despite the fact that it happens so often.

I was on the highway, I'm a bad driver to begin with. I am ashamed. It is a big deal.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Community Service Day Three: Kitchen

The Kitchen

"I need 4 volunteers in the kitchen," announced the overweight cop who was married to a person that he met from "the orient." (He was in the army before being downgraded.)

My arm shot up despite the fact that I was tired and cold from biking from my cousin's place in only a tshirt at 6:30am. And I was selected. Score. I was done with orange and tired of staring at the man's belly, curious about how his buttons stayed attached.

The person who oversaw the four of us in the kitchen was this generous Indian guy. I asked him for scissors so that I could cut something and he had to unlock this secure glass case that hung against the wall in an office. This is where they kept the knives and other kitchen utensils to avoid stabbings.

He was being friendly and I told him that I'm trying to get through this and he this to me in his Indian accent. "You know, people need crises in their lives so that they can change and grow... if we never experienced any crises then why be better? Crisis opens a lot of opportunities."

Heh.

========================

This is what I did:
-scrub grease
-wipe the counters
-move giant carts that contained "tv dinner" like food for the inmates
-mop the floors

The most work I've done in the kitchen my entire life. I began to appreciate what it takes to keep things clean and thrived on the variety of activities.

They fed us well: While the clothing folders got inmate tv dinners, we got what they served to the cops: orange chicken, fried rice and egg drop soup. God, this is what I call community service!

=====================

Conversation
In the kitchen we had many breaks and many conversations. There was a lot of amusing hypocrisy, but I got to know my fellow DUI convicts.

1. 23 years old culinary school graduate. Got fired because DUI complications, but found a job at a new restaurant. He was a chef at google, but quit because of the hours and management. He told me he was having a terrible year especially with corrupt cops.

2. 30 years old college drop out, multiple offender. He was 2 weeks away from completing his 3 year probation, but he was caught with an ounce of alcohol in his system. It was enough for them to take him in. Married and has two kids, admitted that if his wife found out what he was doing in Mexico with some waitresses he met she would leave him. He frequently commented that he was making "good money" as a project manager.

3. 19 years old tall guy who was going to the UK for his undergrad. Talked a lot about how he LOVED Spanish girls and Spanish culture especially after asking this random question: "If you were sentenced 30 years would you be desperate enough to have butt sex with another prisoner?" It got really awkward and everyone threw in their macho man answer, "NO dude, I'd shoot myself before it'd come to that."

I should have answered, "if they were hot and would make out with me.... do you know that the prostate is the male 'g-spot?'" But I gave my straight answer, "HELL NO!!" I wasn't there to make people feel awkward.. though there were a couple of bad boy hotties that I wanted to get to know... oo handcuff me.

=============
Personality Assessments and and horoscope...
My cousin's husband told me that people who take these tests and read horoscopes are looking for something... as a result that take the information as something so accurate and to the T when it's obviously just generic.

We are clouded when we are in search, failing to realize that what's important is the action that is taken after being aware. "You feel lonely," so do something about it.

The idea is to continue to move
=============
Moving
My cousin's husband who is pursuing his PhD has motivated me to move. "What I'm glad is that you are on the move... you aren't just staying still... moving forward is very important." If only he knew how many naps I take and how stagnant I feel, but no more.

He told me he went to Australia for a year to work and travel and to find himself when he was 26 years old. I'm not finding myself here, so why don't I go somewhere else.

I am 80% sure I'm going to Vietnam for 3 months. What's holding me back?

Asian American Youth Market Brilliantly Penetrated, Thank You JC Penny

I am empowered and getting chills up and down my arm.
JC Penny recognizes Asian American Youth is as an important niche market at least for back-to-school clothing.

Challenge: Reach Asian American Youth

Brainstorm: Where are Asian American Youth?

Answer: Youtube and Xanga

Wow. So JC Penny contacted the stars of Youtube: Comedians Kevjumba & Natalie and Musicians David Choi and Kina Grannis and had them create videos to promote their JC Penny back-to-school line by integrating a contest into their usually hilarious/awesome videos. And it's brilliant because hundreds of thousands (practically millions) of young youtubers view these clips.

When you visit http://www.jcpvote.com/ to vote for your "favorite outfit" that these youtubers are wearing, you are actually taken to http://www.xanga.com/GetThatLook. A XANGA SITE! Not a professional site, but a VERY popular blog that MANY Asian Americans are attached to.

How does that make me feel? Like an empowered Asian American who is recognized. Hey look at me, I am Asian American and JC Penny takes note that I have value as a consumer and as a worthwhile market to tap.

GOD it feels so good to be a victum of consumerism and advertising!
============================================
And you might be thinking.. youtube? xanga? Man... lame.. but check these people out, they are genuinely talented if you ask me. And if mainstream media won't recognize Asian Americans as regular people with something interesting to say/sing, then we will continue to fight for fame and glory via the Internet. (And reality TV aka, Hung Huynh from Top Chef, Kim Vo from Sheer Genius, and.... ......Tila Tequlia... damn it.)

Yay Vietnamese on TV




=======================

Kim Vo

So Kim Vo is Britney's personal hair stylist and judge panelist on Sheer Genius. He got so much plastic surgery that he looks completely white. I was a bit ashamed that he was hiding his Vietnamese features.... but if he really was ashamed he would have legally changed his name since... "Kim Vo" is as Vietnamese as you're going to get. Plus a lot of Vietnamese people get work done... so maybe he's actually becoming MORE Vietnamese in that sense!

I wonder what goes on in his head... maybe he convinced Britney to shave it all off!! Sneaky Vietnamese... sneaky.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Community Service Day Two: I Never Want to See Orange Again

Orange 7am-3pm.

Apparently the inmates at the San Jose Main Jail wear a lot of orange. My job the entire time was to roll up clean orange underwear, socks, and a t-shirt in an orange towel.

I discovered that they have size 10XL. These shirts were just made wider not longer, it was sort of amusing. The "big boy" underwear was also amusingly huge. There were no mediums or smalls and the larges seemed sparse. I guess only overweight people get convicted in San Jose.

I've decided that when I get home, I'm going to throw away all the orange that I have. God. I folded for 8 hours with minimal breaks while the cop overseeing us talked politics.

I'm so sick of orange. They also fed me an orange as a snack. AHHHH!!! ORANGE FEVER! SOMEONE SAVE ME! NO MORE ORANGE!!!! The vest I was wearing was ORANGE!
God, I felt like I was washing away orange when I showered at home.

Some People Have it Worse
I asked people how many days that had there.
"5"
"30"
"276... I have 16 left!" This guy was excited. I guess possession of illegal drugs is not taken lightly.

Ironic
I asked other DUI peeps what their sentence was: 1600 fine, traffic school, 5 days of community service, no lawyer. WTF? Before I decided on a lawyer I did so much research and it was only when I was done with court that I was able to determine that I really didn't need to pay that extra 1600. Sigh. He was a consultant, I keep telling myself... because I was alone.

It's because people are ashamed of their DUI's.... so I really do feel alone, I didn't know ANYONE with a DUI. I'm not ashamed, all you fuckers drive drunk all the time. This was my second time. (But everything happens for a reason.. blah blah).

Everyone knows I got DUI because I don't feel the need to hide a life experience.
Anyway. I'm ready for this experience to be ova.


Thinking Back
While day dreaming I recalled a DUI experience I had my second year at Cal. My friend who was driving us back from gay clubbing in the city was drunk, I was uncomfortable, but my friends in the car said nothing. Apparently, I had agitated the driver resulting him steer the car out of control, "YOU think I'm a Drunk Driver!? THEN I'LL DRIVE LIKE A DRUNK DRIVER."

We hit a street lamp before entering the bay bridge (who know what would have happened), knocking that sucker down. It was in slow motion. I remember getting out of the car after checking if everyone was okay. I was furious. Luckily my friend knew a guy that towed his car and he did not get issued DUI.

Ironically, the other passenger in the car was also the guy that was in my DUI class. He's been saving my seat and we reconnected after these years. I guess life has a way of coming full circle.

Full Circle
This eloquent guy was making conversation with this other guy who was a bartender at Santana Row. "Wait a minute, I think you were there when I got my DUI!"
wow.
========================
On top of that I had DUI school today, luckily it was more interesting.
I fell asleep during the POT discussion... I really can't related, but then we went over the Grieving Process
-Denial
-Anger
-Bargaining
-Depression
-Acceptance
I wonder.
========================
According to my cousin, I'm lettin this DUI/Unemployment experience get me in a rut. Because I dont' have work, I am low energy. Because I have low energy, I'm not motivated to be aggressive in my job search... and it's up to me to break that cycle. She said that it's good that I'm handling everything, but because 'we' (my family) are not trouble makers... I'm taking this whole experience pretty hard.

It makes sense...

After all, I am my own salvation. Yes yes... gotta keep moving forward, I've been saying this for months.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Community Service Day One: A Greater Appreciation for Highway Clean Up

I had everything planned.
One week at the Glendale "Correctional Facility" next to the Great Mall. I would crash at my cousin's place and conveniently take the lightrail in the morning then back.

I biked and got lost, but found my way.

Ridiculously Unclear Rules
My cellphone was confiscated.
"Didn't you read the rules and regulations?"
"Yes, I don't recall seeing 'no cell phones.'" I whipped out the sheet to show that I read it.
"Right here." The lady cop pointed to the word cellphone under, "contraband." It was neither bold, highlighted nor underlined. Something as important as No Cellphones should have it's own section. By the look of the pile of cellphones that she had already collected, the rules were obviously not clear.
"We'll hold it as a courtesy, since it's your first day." How about you fix the rule sheet so that NO CELL Phones isn't buried next to NO DRUGS and WEAPONS?!? Normal people skip that section.

ANYWAY.

Some People Have it Worse
I was assigned an orange van. I got an orange hat, orange vest, gloves and safety goggles to match and I started to make friends.

This 18 year old girl had 3 days and an 800 dolla fine for stealing from Kohls. Apparently they had undercover lost prevention people posing as shoppers. Her friend that provoked her to do it got off scot-free.

This cocktail waitress from Britannia Arms drove into a tree. With out a lawyer, her punishment/fines were the same as mine. GAH. I guess, I really didn't need one. Two weeks before her boyfriend also got a DUI. Heh, I guess like-minds... hook up.

This guy from LA was refused the privelgded of doing his community service in LA. So he had to fly/drive back and forth to get his DUI shit done.

Dang.

Labor
The people around me started to talk about the lice that might be in the hard hats and how they brought caps to avoid any infestation. Their intellectual action was denied, "no hats under your hard hat.. the layer actually makes the hard hat not as safe." WTF BULLSHIT WAS THAT?

This girl behind me was a chatter box.
"Like, I had all these songs in my head, like 'Macho Man' because of all the guys wearing hard hats." I snickered. If only I was a member of the Village People instead of serving time.

The group of 40 was divided. Highway clean up!
The van smelled like body odor. Not BO, but ... 24 Hour fitness locker room body odor. Ugh.

We parked and the driver emphasized safety, "Do NOT go behind the van... pickup trash in front of the van, it is here to protect you." As we picked up trash, he would drive along side us so that if a car were to come at us because they changed their mind about the exit (you know you've done that)... we would be shielded.

Right.

"We are cleaning a Cupertino high way." Cupertino!?! there's trash there? When we parked.. it was a land fill and it smelled like urine. I was handed an orange bag to match my outfit and a claw thing. As I picked up trash I thought to myself. This is fun.

After doing that for 5 hours in 3 different Cupertino locations. I didn't think it was fun anymore.

Class
We took numerous breaks and I was able to nap in the car.
I began to appreciate clean highways. I thought to myself, WHO throws trash outside their window? People need to have class. I picked up McDonalds, Starbucks...actually it was a lot of McDonald's. "Of course, trashy people who eat at McDonalds litter."

Lunch time. As I was eating my pizza, I realized that the bag that contained my pizza was a McDonald's bag.

It hit me. I am low class. My college degree, my super star veneer, my pride, my confidence... was pretty much cancelled out by drinking and driving. Because people who get DUIs don't make good decisions in life.... and I've made plenty of bad decisions.

Random
One of the guys picked up a Canon Powershot G9. This 12 megapixel camera was in fair condition since it was protect from impact by its case. It came with a 4 gig SD card. Lucky bastard. All I found was grocery bags and shame.

"Okay, don't go in the foresty areas. I have to check if there are any homeless people or if it's a fresh Meth lab. Those fuels are toxic." He was dead serious. I was learning so much about highways.

4 More Days
I was relocated to the Main Jail for the rest of the week. I was told that sometimes, they let us watch movies, but the catch is we have to stay awake. If you fall asleep, you are sent back to court. It is a challenge because it's 3 movies straight on VHS in a really dark and stuffy room.

God, the California Law System is so Cruel.

My forearms are a feel-good sore and if you drive 85 south bound and exit toward 280 near De Anza. You'll see a fucking clean divide that I did. YEAH MOTHAH FUCKAH!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

World Turned Upside Down

Next week I'm going to be doing community service MON-FRI 8am-4pm.

Where at? The Milpitas Jail!

Shoot me.

============

At the pool I over heard these girls comment about this guy wearing a speedo.
"OH MY GOD! There are children here."
They weren't humored, they were disgusted and offended.
The guy next to them tried to defend the poor man, "It's a cultural thing..." but he ended up being judgmental too in order to avoid hostile remarks.

These girls were obviously closed minded and stupid and probably never left the country... because they would realize that wearing speedos is HOT... (though this particular man was pretty disgusting).

It really disgusted me. Cuz it's one thing to laugh at a speedo, it's another to act unreasonably snooty.

===========
Girls have magical powers over me.

I went out... last minute. Gah, I felt bad because I was asked to take a foreign exchange kid out, but refused because of my shoulder. But I went out anyway because it's better, gotta make that up.

Anyway. I was dancing with Aaron's cousin, it was awkward. I usually don't want to be so aggressive with girls and pull them into my body because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Aaron's cousin goes, "Chris buy me a drink." With out a second guess I headed the bar.

Wow.

If it was a gay guy I'd be like... HELLL NO... cuz that's demanding and diva like.

She sat on the bench as I tried to convince her to go downstairs bar where it was less crowded. "It's too far, I'm wearing heals." Ugh. "But look at this crowd!" She stood up and pushed her way into the bar using her boobs. Hhaha, I was impressed.

But she wasn't using the right method to get the bartender's attention. You gotta press your boobs in honey and flash the card. After 5 minutes of nothing, I stood next to her and pushed my pecs together and leaned in; may be my gay bar technique will work. 30 seconds.. the bartender goes to me, ignoring her. HAH! My tactics work even at a straight bar.

After a shot of ridiculously over priced lukewarm Grey goose, I grabbed my dance partner and headed to the floor. "We can dance closer now." After ALL I bought her a drink, I'm entitled to touch her hips. (OMG, is this how straight guys think?)

After some body rolls, some people were looking at me. This girl pointed and whispered something to her friend. I made eye contact, she didn't even try to hide. Ugh. Do I garner that much attention even when I dance with a girl, maybe because I make waves like an ocean.

"CHRIS! You dance better than me!" My dance partner stopped dancing soon after that comment and looked for her friends.

Interesting.
==============

At La Vics I made friends with this girl behind me.
"What are you getting?"
"Oh a cheese quesidilla." She was cute... actually sort of hot.
"Oh.. I'll buy it for you, don't worry."
"Aw thanks." Looks like she was used to it.

WTF. Am I becoming straight curious, why am I so willing... NO BOOBS I don't like you, go away.
=================

At the Loft I recognized a girl coming down the stairs. This is how smooth I am: "HOW DO I KNOW YOU!"
"Bagdad!"

OMG, it was the girl from Baghdad cafe that I gave some of my biscuits and gravy to when I was unspeakably drunk in the Castro.

"Our friendship was meant to be! What's your number."

I got a girls number. The heck?
==================

There's something seriously wrong with me.

==================

But then I made it up to myself by flirting with a guy... "oo what's your tattoo say?" "Love Song." Interesting. One of his friends asked jokingly if I was his new boyfriend as we walked down the street with our arms around each other. He kept saying he was drunk.

Cute boy. Lot's of tattoos. I leaned on his shoulder on the way home. We carpooled.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Defeated

I'm really trying to make the best of this.

I got a bike, I bought a bike lock... I'm trying really hard.
All junior colleges are 1.5 hours away from me via public transportation.

Yesterday, I felt like a superstar- biking 3 miles to the gym, swimming laps, lifting weights.
Diana's in town and we biked around the city visiting friends at night. I finally got Whey protein powder for my all healthy smoothies so that I can develop a sexy body and to my surprise it was delicious.

After a night of reminiscent board games with some high school friends I took a shower and did some pull ups. I then felt a sharp pain in my shoulder.

My parents were asleep so I said nothing. I literally fell on my bed to prayed that the pain would go away. I woke up at 3:00am paralyzed. I couldn't move much of my upper body with out shooting pains on my right side. I couldn't turn my head or move my arms.

I pulled my shoulder muscle. I guess a sudden day of rigorous activity sent my body into chaos. My mom had to help me lift my body in the morning before she rushed to work. I was in agonizing pain and I couldn't go to the doctor because I don't have health insurance right now. I can fight this on my own. But as I type this my neck is stiff and I'm afraid of making sudden movements because my body might send more sharp pains...
====================

I feel defeated. DUI school for the passed 3 weeks has become redundant and uninteresting; the instructor reminding us that we were being punishment. I roll my eyes when he uses the same jokes after jokes about the band on pets, cell phone clocks being accurate and the percentage of alcoholics in the room.

===================

I lent my bicycle lock to a friend. By accident, my friend reset the lock and now I don't know the combination. So I'm back to square one with burdening friends and family to shuttle me to replace the fucker.

==================

I just want to feel better. Why am I having such a hard time saving myself?
I just want to feel good about myself. I just want to be as confident as I was just last year.

Monday, August 18, 2008

I've Been Feeling Blah

Ever since my night out on the Castro I've been feeling blah.

You know the feeling you get when you eat too much oily foods? Yeah, it's not that I feel self conscious about my body (I do), moreover, I feel unhealthy.

I've also been feeling really ugly since my skin has been getting worse and my quest to find my soul is hitting a dead end.

This Saturday, I went to this house warming party. The attendance: bay area gay Asian young professionals. Everyone was doing something with their life. If not law school, than consulting, if not research then Med school. I found it difficult to really 'network,' because I am no longer as confident as I used to be.

Gay Asian Icon Evan Low was there to give me some encouraging words. Only two years older than me and he is already a house hold name in the community. I was lucky enough to know him in high school and thus making conversation with him had more substance. He introduced me to his friends with pride, "Do you know Chris? He was a super star high schooler." I was taken back. I was- I rocked high school. I could tell in his voice that he thought I would be going somewhere by now because of my potential. And he was disappointed that I haven't found direction since the last time I spoke to him. I have lost my way.

In my planner I marked my one year anniversary with my first job. This is definitely a transitional moment for recent post grads as you rarely stick with your first job. Especially when you discover that the 9-5 is not so glorious.

But where do I go from here?
I'm so used to my life being painted out. High school, College... Job?

People try to help, but my dead end answers leave them challenged.

"What did you love doing as a kid?" Maybe it will translate into a passion.
"Don't think about what you're good at, think about what you would like to be good at because you can train to be good at it." Maybe this will point me somewhere.
"You would love being a teacher," force feeding me a path didn't really help either.
"You should do something. The only way to find out what you want to do is find out what you don't want to do... deduction. And essentially, you aren't wasting your time." I guess that makes sense, I can't be wasting time since I don't know what I should be doing anyway.

===============

I'm just discouraged.
I realized that Left Eye was rapping about me: I am a Scrub.
"Hanging on the passenger side of his best friend's ride," namely MoAny or Aaron. I've always been a passenger and when I get a hold of the wheel, I crash and burn.
===============

I have been applying to jobs, but I haven't gotten any responses.
Grad school looks impossible because I barely qualify.

And I think I'm done with all this "fun" I'm having. I'm starting to realize that I no longer know what's important to me. My body is yelling at me now because I'm exhausted, pimply, and undesirable.
===============

I don't want to sound too much like a self hating, pity me tickle me EMO, I'm just thinking out loud in hopes of discovering something. I have a goal:

September 16 is the LAST day I have to do DUI school. All my fines are all paid up. The only unresolved issue is that I can't drive until January 2009. So why I don't I go somewhere I don't have to drive? Ok... that's the date. I can do this.... direction. Direction.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Wonders of South San Jose.

Aaron, Anthony and I went to Cuetopia for some Billiards and beer.

The place was packed, but no music was playing.
The crowd was mixed. A group of Mexican kids, some motorcyclists, overweight truck drivers... people you would think play billiards on a Thursday night were there. It was seriously butch.

For 50cents you can select a song from a modern Jukebox.
Anthony put in "Let's Stay Together " by Eternal with an immediate comments of approval by various strangers. "This is my ring tone!" responded this girl next to us.

As others added TuPac, P Diddy, Sublime... Aaron and I thought it would be funny to "GAY UP" the place. He put in his dollar and selected Mama Mia by ABBA. As the song played people grumbled and stared, "WTF is this?" And the Jukebox froze before Aaron could select the second debauchery of music. We ran back to our table snickering. Aaron checked the Jukebox and put in a final touch: "Gimme More" by Britney.

I couldn't stop laughing as people became annoyed. I watched this heavily tattooed bearded man shoot pool in front of our table while Britney sang. Hilarious.

It was obvious that Aaron and I were the culprits especially when Aaron started to dance.

===========

We checked out Britannia Arms across the street and it was surprisingly popping and the LAVICS that is scheduled to open tomorrow!

Go South San Jose!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Door to Door

This cute lady who looked to be in her mid 20s was selling strawberries door to door.

"They are fresh, just picked today!" Her voice we young and high. She wore a large hat to protect her from the sun. She was polite, persuasive, not pushy.

"How much are they?"

"20 Dollars for the box, 10 for half." I couldn't help but fall in love with her gracious charm and her slight Spanish accent.

"I'll take half," as I went to get money, she cut the box in half with a pocket knife. She didn't seem tired- this is what she does for a living. As I gave her the money I reminded her to drink water because it was as hot as hooker outside. I wanted to offer her something, but I didn't have anything in the fridge. She walked away and pushed her cart toward the next house hopeful to get another sell.

I hope she get's a fair percent of the 10 dollars I handed her. But sometime tells me that she'll get a mere fraction.

What's MY Secret?!?!

I showed a picture of my Ex to Michelle and she said, "WOW Chris, HOW do you manage to date such cute boys?!?! What's your secret!?!" (I know right? how do I, your resident loser, manage to date such attractive guys? I'm SURE you're dying to know too!!!)


Ryan at the Castro 08/08, Eric at Pride 06/08, Chris at Andersen Bakery 12/07

And then she saw this picture, "OHHH!! THIS IS YOUR SECRET!!"

That's right people! Everyone LOVES a 23 year old bum on a bicycle. SEXY!
OH yeah! Check out my PIMP ride that I borrowed from MoAny's sister! Boys can't get their hands off me as I pedal down the block! And of course, I'm all about safety!

Oh and I hang out with people who can sing!

Gimme More.wma - Charles

===================
FYI. Ryan was my first, we dated for 2 months when I was 18 or 19, he gave me my first kiss. Eric was more of a fling/mistake. And of course Chris who defined my college life.

I'm still talking to James. I'd say we dated for 2 weeks before he abandoned ship. And he's quite frank with me saying that he doesn't want to watch movies or go eat (cuz that would be dating)... he just wants to kiss me. Part of me feels objectified, but I guess it's mutual because I like kissing him too (and doing other things.) Though I feel like I've regressed.

..because I'm a gay stereotype.

Mess around in a park? Mess around in a car?

The other night, James and I found an empty business lot and got down to business. Soon after, security caught us and parked right next to his car, but not completely adjacent so that we can shameless escape the situation without any sort of awkward verbal communication. "We have some gay activity here in lot 73," I imagined security saying into their walkie talkie. "What do I do?!?!" James was freaking out, but I'm sure security didn't know what to do either, "just pull up your pants (and do the rockaway) and start the car. Don't make eye contact, they just want us to leave." I sounded like a pro. Well, because I've been caught before with Ryan.

I tried to sneak him into my house, but my parents were downstairs. Though, if it were up to me, I would just introduce him to my parents and then head straight to my room saying we are going to watch a movie. Simple. And then he can walk out shirtless and say hi to my mom, "don't mind me, I'm just getting a glass of water."

I felt ridiculously lame. How old are we? Do we have to be sneaking around? I don't like having to hide, because I'm not ashamed. I don't like messing around in a car because that represents high school. I going to vow not to let myself take any more steps backwards.

I know better. I ride a fucking bicycle damn it! Go Green!
==========================

There's a lot of hype with the Olympic Opening Ceremony. Aren't you sad you missed it?
Then why don't you download the reasonable quality torrent you lamer?

And play this game: http://www.mazapan.se/games/BurnTheRope.php

Monday, August 11, 2008

Empowered and Embarassed by Asians

18 Year Old Park Tae-hwan Win's Korea's FIRST Gold in Swimming (400M Freestyle)
http://www.koreatimes.co.kr/www/news/sports/2008/08/253_29077.html

I was rooting really hard for this kid. Especially when he got DQed in Athens for an embarrassing false start that sent him "hiding in the bathroom for hours." He had one goal in mind: Win Gold in 2008.

Look at this image. Pure victory. It must feel so good to accomplish something that you have dedicated your life to. There's an image of his parents jumping for joy and crying. This medal was redemption and pride.

I'm going to pretend I'm him for a second winning for Vietnam.. God, it feels good.
Gosh, my arms are so muscular. I'm just a sexy beast of an Asian swimmer yes, I am. Ohhh yeah.

====================================

41 year old Xing Almost Loses His Penis Humping a Steel Bench
http://www.weirdasianews.com/2008/08/07/man-almost-loses-penis-humping-steel-bench/




Damn it, WHY? Look at those holes!!! OMG! HOW?! God, it must feel so bad.

=================================
Sexy Singing Asian Boys On Youtube

Paul Dateh


He also plays the Violin


MoAny's Favorite: blinktwice4y



Arnel Pineda was discovered over Youtube and is now the new singer for Journey



=================

It's like a bad news sandwich: I like your dress, you're fired, you're hair looks good too.
You're a hot Asian swimmer that just kicked US and Australian Butt, you caught your penis in a steel bench, YOU CAN SING!!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

CA CA CA CASTRO!

Castro... where everything is GAY!

I was singing this "song" while waiting for the bus.

Friday I went to the Castro to see my Ex, Ryan.
I got really wasted and I talked to whole bunch of strangers.

Have you ever been so drunk that you only remember bits and pieces of the night? Geez. Of course that comes with consquences: losing shit, making a fool of yourself and feeling nauseous the next day. Gah.

We went to The Bar and the DJ was very good. Then we went to Badlands and I made conversation to this Australian flight attendant who said that the gay bars in Australia were "hot." I apologized for our dirty American clubs.

When we left the club, I started to freak out because my phone was missing. Yelling at no one about how I was confused to who would want my crappy ass nokia phone!?! (I had a Samsung) But it was in my lower carpenter pants pocket. Haha, stupid me.

The next morning I found these pictures of me with some strangers. I don't remember a lot of the night. And apparently I drunk dialed some people. Fack. I wish someone was there to record me acting ridiculous and very forward.

I have a random phone number from a guy named "Mike Call Me" with an area code from Missouri.... erm... yeah.

We ended up at Baghdad Cafe and I vaguely remember flirting with the host and making conversation with this girl and giving her a bite of my biscuits and gravy.



Omg.. who are these people?!?!?!

I remember stumbling back into my friend's apartment and bumping into this Chinese Lion Statue, knocking it over from its stand and breaking it's arm. OOPS!
=================

The Castro is an interesting place where everyone/thing is gay... and you don't know if it's a pretty boy or a boyish girl walking down the street. And during the day there are whole bunch of places to each and shop. How fun.

Find Yourself

This is cool and takes 2 seconds:

http://goldinuniverse.com/

Wow.


Thanks Wally!

================================

Chris,

You are a very sensitive person and you try hard (perhaps a little too hard) to make favourable impressions and to be recognised by your peers. But you have that inherent need to feel appreciated and admired and you are easily hurt if all of your endeavours go by unappreciated or not acknowledged. Stop trying so hard.

You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.

You are prepared to establish a particular relationship that is being made available to you at this time. It could be a satisfactory liaison but there could be a certain amount of conflict involved -try to avoid direct confrontation at all costs.

You are feeling trapped by the situation as it stands at this time and what is more, you feel powerless to remedy it. You are stressful, angry and disgruntled. You feel that everything that you try to do to change the situation is thwarted and your hopes and aspirations all seem to be receding into the ever distant future. You have reached the state where you now doubt whether your dreams will ever be achieved and this is not only causing mental stress but heartache. You need to get away from it all - you need to have time to think, to recuperate, to be able to make your own decisions.

You are trying to build up your own position and you resist all external influences. You insist that you are your own person and you will not tolerate any outside interference. Decisive and proud, you are true managerial material.

JAPANESE FOOD, NONSTOP MADDNESS!

Thursday: Sushi Factory "All You Can Eat" Sushi Lunch
I was getting all sorts of testy because people at the bar got their rolls before we did sitting at the table. We ordered 8 Rolls. And got our money's worth.

The strategy: Don't accept the complimentary salad and miso soup. That's just a ploy to fill you up! And... this is dubious: the red paint from these bowls has been chipped away.

I hope I don't get plastic poisoning.

I feel like there's a lot of pressure at buffets to get your money's worth. It sort of becomes more of a game than a dining adventure. And I tend to notice how large people are at buffets... because that's expected.

Friday: Sushi Zono in Campbell to get some Cold Noodles.
Gosh, there was so much left over and I realize I don't chew my food. Yay, stringy poop.
Dipping noodles remind me of my college days with Chris. He would make the dipping sauce from scratch and we would just eat it together in our nasty kitchen between classes. I don't think I've had any dipping noodles as good as his.


Ice and cucumbers in my dish! MoAny go HOT noodles. It was too hot!

Saturday: Nihonmachi Street Fair! okonomiyaki at Izumiya.
So, I was hung over, and okonomiyaki might not have been the best idea. Daym. The room we musty, and my stomach was on FIRE! And the waitress was a bitch. She rolled her eyes and scoffed when we didn't know what to order. I was going to give her a dollar tip, but they included it in the bill. FOILED!

We're being gaysha

Okonomiyaki is Japanese "street food." Even Dina, our resident Japanese person didn't know what it was. It's a delicious pancake that's fan fried with tonkatsu sauce that is really hard to find. I suspect they use bisquik.

======

I love stepping outside the box when it comes to ethnic foods.
There's more to Japanese food than Sushi. People should try stuff that Japanese people actually eat!

WIG!

Hairchive Time!

Sean Paul had a wig.
This girl thought it was my real hair. Haha.

When I wear it, I look like my twin brother Nate
When MoAny wears it, he looks like Sanjaya from American Idol

The NATE



The Sanjaya



WOW!

Friday, August 8, 2008

Gay Arabic Linguist- 2007 Story

What I find interesting about this newscast is that the reporter is clearly biased reguarding the issue.   (In a good way).


It just shows how much gay people have to hide and "put their personal life in the backseat" if they want to do something fulfilling and functional in this society.


(He's really cute!)

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Crying because u can't be with some u love

Apparently I make the boys in my life cry.

Everyday we wake up and look at ourselves in the mirror and only then can we see an honest reflection of everything that we hate/love about ourselves; about our lives. For a mere second we are stripped and realize the world that we live in maybe not as perfect as we had wished.

The boy that I had, the boy that I have and the boy that want have openly told me that I have made them cry. Because they hurt me, I hurt them or they hurt themselves... and I feel like such an asshole because I can only respond with an arrogant... *shrugs*

I've already done this. I cried over my first boyfriend. I cried until I my eyes were bone dry when I was 19 years old...

And because of him, I never cry over boys no matter how 'hurt' I may feel... I maintain guarded and reserve my energy for dancing because no one gets hurt when you dance... unless you are waving your limbs violently.










WebJunk

Photo courtesy of JV


That's the type of good fun I like.
This weekend the boyz and I are going to have Pho and check out Happy Hallow, the local petting zoo. There is SO much to do and sitting around doing nothing is LAME.

And right now, I feel lame, because that's all I've been doing. But not anymore! MoAny lent me his sister's bike and now I can get out of the house. I have a new HOT ride!

FREEDOM!!!!!

===================================
Hmm.. I suddenly have a craving to buy cool stuff.
Like this key chain that barks when you whistle:
CLEVER! Fetch my keys!
Never search for your keys again!

Or this Alarm Clock to replace my ugly creme box.


Nice practical toys!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Mobile Uploads II

In San Diego, the districts are divided by excessively glorious signs like the entrance of "FUTURE LAND" and Disneyland. This is the place where you can be both Mexican and Gay and get your haircut while watching sports... and only sports.

The ladies dressed in some decade clad that is not of the present time stand outside the hip trendy dance club and the word Vietnamese is spelled with TWO e's in the middle. At least the banana's taste the same in Southern California. But... they're more yellow than they're supposed to be.



In San Jose, this kid consumes a Popsicle bigger than his head, Smyr consumes Taro FroYo and exclaims it to be heavenly delicious. The halls of Valco Mall are being renovated. Huan's gimp hand is dirty, creating the illusion that he has a tan. The baby crawls through fountains of downtown San Jose and no one is concerned that he may drown. And that's Steve's reflection in the coffee table.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

JULY Recap- Wow

Instead of weeks passing me by, it seems like months now.
It's been already one year since I started this blog and I feel as though instead of growing up. I've regressed. I find myself hopeless, immature, and unmotivated.

My friends pass GO while I remain in Jail on the Monopoly Board of life. My friend's friend got hired and moved into a new apartment. He described it as getting an instant 1UP on life. Madeline also got a 1UP as I was notified by facebook that she's moving into her new apartment and starting her new engineering job. But at the same time, a fair number of my friends are still job hunting... a hunt that I hate with every inch of my body. Where is that mushroom? I desperately need it.

But until then, I've been having a lot of FUCKING fun in July. More than I should be.

Beginning of July- Out with the Boys.

Santa Cruz, 4th of July, Oakland Bar

July 19- Chicken and Waffles
It tastes exactly like what it sounds like. I also brought pizza flavor chicken strips and Michelle's roommate brought pizza. So we were all sorts of confused. MoAny and I are going to open up a restaurant called, "Crossing Boundaries." And serve deliciously strange things like, Taco Bell's Crunch Wrap and KFC's Famous Bowl! Then we chilled with Dina for a random shindig. Michelle was a hot mess with the help of JOOCE. This shady 9.0% Alcohol energy drink. I have a can sitting in my car =X. Don't worry, it's a closed container.

On the taxi home, I used my Vietnamese to ask Michelle how much to give the taxi driver. It was so useful. If MoAny and I spoke a mutual language (besides English) we would defiantly be having more fun! HAHA!

June 20- Jonjon BBQ
So many people. These guys knew each other from XANGA. The explanation: They started reading each other's xanga's then chatted then became good friends, now travel from Cali to New York to visit each other. WTF!
The picture on the middle is the UGLIEST picture of all of us.

This guy taught me how to find a guy's nipple by placing the side of my hand on his sternum (like a karate chop) then pinch my index and thumb together. Whoalah! A nipple! The guy is so straight, but agreed to go to Dragon with a couple of girls. I joked that Dragon is very tame and next time he should go to a place that's more stereotypical with NO girls, NO friends and only a MAP to find the key out. (In some gogo boy's pants.)

After, Danster showed us a cool place in the hills where we took pictures.

There were this kids dressed in all black hiking behind us. They stopped and started talking to each other. Then they asked us a question, "aye! Do you guys have a lighter." Hmmm... Joe? Ztoe? Danster? MoAny? Me? Lighter? ... "no." They started to yell at each other, "Damn it! I thought you brought it!" "No, I got the stuff." "Great that was pointless!" And they walked down the hill. Hahah... kids


Joe's Photoshop Skillz


Kungfu Panda


July 25-31. Non stop Drinking.
July 25- Koji Sake, Cinebar and The Loft - Pictures and Stories
July 26- 3rd Annual Adobo Festival. Not that much Adobo. Not that much festival either.



Shangrila and the Cellar- Pictures and Stories
July 27- Camping with Miwa (Pictures to come!)
July 28- TGIF at Aileen's Birthday- Pictures and Stories
July 29- Dinner Party at Neil's friends. Good food. :D Very chill. Squirt + Vodka = Yum.
July 30 - Dim Sum and Jail - Sober Day

July 31- Bamboo 7 Karaoke!
What do you say when you do a Sake Bomb? Kampai? Sure OR OR OR: Itchy knee San, Sake sake BOMB!
So.. Bamboo 7 Actually records you and posts it on AOL Karaoke. Here is my shameless solo. I seriously thought I sang better than this.. omg..





HAHAHAHAHAH! JUST KIDDING! THAT'S MOANY!!! HOW AWFUL!!!!!!!!
HE SOUNDS LIKE BATMAN!!! (The room fell silent)

This is how I ended my July: