I Stole this from Brian Tong's Blog:
And then I found this... and it makes me sad because... it's true.
Apple really knows good music.
HAHA. You don't have to understand to be amused.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
On Wednesday, I drove to Berkeley again to help Huan move to Emeryville because he's a gimp and help JV get some furniture. In return Huan bought me a delicious Pho lunch in Oakland at this place called Pho Hoa Lao! Holla! and JV fed me his mom's Banh Xeo also, delish.
I was more than happy to be of some use. Everyone was starting a new chapter of their lives.
JV, Christine and I spent the evening talking about random things particularly about boys, and love etc.
We talked about how people fall in love with an idea as opposed to in love with a person. Consequentially, they project that idea onto a person and "fall in love." Only to be fooling themselves.
I was poked by a 'straight boy' over thefacebook that I was was mildly interested in that night. A couple of months back we chatted on AIM.
"Um.. Chris, I'm straight"
".. oh.. sorry, I thought you were hitting on me"
"um.. I just called you a stud"
"oh okay. Sup?"
We would randomly chat and it would always relate to something gay because well... a lot of people thought he was gay.. and that really affects a straight guy's self image. One time, just to mess with his head, I told him that he should try it with a guy at least once. He laughed it off. What I find interesting is that he casually refers to specific guys as "good looking." Well, that's no cause for alarm, but I just thought it was interesting.
I text him and he responded. At 12:30am he asked if I had a place to crash. I could have crashed at JV's, BUT I would be a fool to turn down this offer and I drove to his place.
When I entered his studio, I immediately noticed that everything he owned neatly had a home. His bookshelf was aligned perfectly. His bed was perfectly made. His bathroom spotless and his tooth paste perfectly place upright. In his walk in closet, his underwear was neatly rolled, his shirts folded as if they sat on shelf at a store. I was thinking... wow.
I felt that my life was cluttered and dirty compared to his. He had goals, he was driven; passionate. He had an extra toothbrush for me and a pair of shorts that he probably set aside for guests; and reminded me to floss.
I asked for lotion, he responds, "yeah! maybe that's why people think I'm gay, I take care of myself like a gay guy." "Well, I don't think that's gay, you just have 'man-sessities'" He was really amused at my remark. I couldn't tell if he was insecure or very secure.. or a strange medium when it comes to sexuality. But as we talked more, I got a clear message of what he was in to.
We talked about.. everything. He told me about the girls he messed around with. He was SO straight. He talked about sex. He talked about the trials and trebulations of trying to get a girl that he was interested in. He loves punani so much. Regardless, I tried to read his signals. I tried to understand what his motives were. I kept my space.
Why was he so friendly? Was he curious? Nervous? He talked about always being hit on by gay guys and old ladies. I just went with the flow. Why did he invite me to come over in the middle of the night. Do straight guys ask blantly GAY guys to come over just to talk? Apparently.
He told me a couple of good drinking stories. I commented that he had no alcohol in his studio. He pulled out a bottle of Jack from on top of the fridge. He didn't suggest that we should drink. I bit my tongue as well and he quickly tucked it back to where is belonged in his kitchen.
We talked about really emotional things. He opened up eventhough he didn't consume any 'truth serum.' He talked about trying to be intimate with girls, about tough times with family. He was honest and vulnerable.
It got really late and I curlled into the futon that he prepared for me and he slipped into his bed.
Neither of us could sleep. I could not read his mind so I kept talking. "Do you ever get lonely living in this studio by yourself?" "You know.. everyone always asks me this... yeah.. I do."
I usually fall asleep the minute I jump in bed, but I didn't get what was going on. We talked until 4:30AM...we talked about cuddling.. and how nice it was to just wake up with someone in your arms and how we both missed it. I asked him a reasonable question:
"would you ever want to cuddle with a guy?"
"um.. i would be adverse to it at first... but I dunno.."
*silence* I was dying. I took a deep breath and decided to be direct and hoped that he was thinking the same thing.
"...um.. do you think we could cuddle?"
"i'm sorry chris.. but.."
"no no no! don't be sorry, I would just hate myself if I didn't ask."
"well, asking is better than doing without asking."
"yeah. I don't do that."
And after that, I fell asleep... all the ambiguity was killing me. A simple 'no' put me out of misery. His motives were clear. He was simply lonely and I was able to comfort him by being a friend, but the affection that I wanted from him... he couldn't offer.
It was quiet again...He was on his bed, and I was on his futon... everything had its place.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I''m sorry for not blogging as frequently. A lot of things have been going on in my mind, but they are all SO EMO that I really shouldn't bore you with them. Especially when there are more important things going on.
We got excited when we thought we found a Chicken and Waffles place, but they were closed. Instead, we had AW "food" ... which... was sort of a disappointment. And I order "Cheese Curds" from Wisconsin... which were just mozzarella sticks .. but in ball form. HAha. Never again. But the float was impressive. I guess it's like getting Chinese food at a Hawaiian place. I should have just stuck to the float!
With this extra time, I think I'm going to visit Alysia in SoCal and Nick in New York. Nick called me the other night while he was at a club. And of course Project Michelle. I am helping with PR. I LOVE PR!
Tomorrow, I'm flying to SoCal for my cousin's graduation and then flying back up Friday for my birthday with family. I recently got invited to a surprise gay birthday party on Friday with the SF gay Asians. I really wanted to go, but that's just weird... to attend someone else's birthday party ON my birthday. LOL. Awkward. But I'd rather be with mom and dad anyway.
Saturday is MY night and everyone is welcomed! We are checking out SKY HIGH! A trampoline place in Santa Clara. And then some bar hopping downtown San Jo! Woot. Bring your posse! Though I really wish it wasn't my birthday. This isn't where I want to be at this age. "Still young" is a dying excuse. But... I'm young enough to jump SKY HIGH!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Last night my senses were heightened.
We were listening to utada's 'simple and clean' and for some reason she sounded amazing. Her lyrics oozed from the youtube clip with such conviction... "please... don't go." I found a stale piece of cheese in the fridge that should have been thrown away, but instead, I microwaved it and it was the best cheese I have ever fucking had in my entire life! And SOMEHOW JV teleported behind me with a cup of noodle in his hand!
Only in Berkeley.
I'm a bit tired. Yesterday was my fourth bone marrow drive. My fourth day dealing with damp food stained cotton swabs from people's mouths.
The drive at the Southeast Asian Graduation Ceremony wasn't as successful as I thought it would be. I day dreamed of registering all 600 people attending, but we managed to get a fraction. As I tried to out reach, I realized that it was difficult from the beginning; the committee concerned that the drive would take away from the ceremony. I was stepping on egg shells and trying to be as respectful as possible. During the drive itself I was reminded that people are less receptive to care about people that they are not attached to.
I made an announcement that I imagined to be a bit powerful, but as I practiced it over and over hours before, it became too rehearsed and its emotional flare dissolved.
I've learned the kindness of strangers and the test of friendship when people that I didn't even know showed more concern about me than a couple of people that I considerED my friends.
After my announcement, I walked by each table in the room asking people to register. Adults had a glazed looks, kids were making jokes and my goal of getting pass 100 registered dwindled. Even though I threw in key words like, "community, family... " even though I "urged everyone to ask questions, keep informed," in my speech and received a respectful applaud at the end, only a handful seemed to be willing to listen. Of course, they were here for a graduation ceremony, not to save a stranger.
But on the flip side a fair number of people told me they registered and wished me good luck... generousity was shown by many strangers who approached the booth to learn more and to register and many of MY friends who registered "for me" because they "care about me" got more of my respect...thank you so much...and folks were generally positive. Almost 50 were registered and out of that 50... someone could be a match. I should be thankful that SEA Grad even let me host a drive.
I just wanted to beat the Club One turn out of a 102!
The day before I helped at Delta Sig's drive. Amazingly, 80 registered (out of the 2000 individuals invited on thefacebeook). It made me smile to see that they had the support of the entire fraternity. I also was driven by other motivated members of Team Michelle! I was saddened that only a couple of kids from my community showed up.
It was the end of the year. Maybe I just had too much expectation. I guess.. I just needed more familiar faces to give me hope... hope for myself, hope for my cousin.
I made some calls from my network of friends to urge them to come to the drive, but most of my calls were ignored. Except from a boy that I've been crushing on for two years.
He told me he would come.. and he did. He asked me about my cousin, he asked me about how I was doing. He was warm and friendly even though he knew that I had a crush on him. He did not let that affect our friendship.
As I walked away with my signs he said, "chris.. wait... what happens if you don't find a match?"
I explained that she would have to go through more chemo and there is ONLY so much chemo your body can take. He had a glossy look in his eyes. "I hope everything is okay, Chris." He really cared and gave me a nice tight long hug. I knew there was a reason why I crushed on him besides from his cute face.
I've been asked if Michelle really is my cousin. And I answer: Yes. Because she's been there for my family and for me personally.
A couple of months back, she called me up randomly to ask if I was okay. I reassured her that I was well... but found myself calling her back 10 minutes later only to release a lot of pain that I had been experiencing. Pain that I don't share with others because of a promise and because it's the sort of pain that you don't share with just anyone.
Michelle and her boyfriend Van (my blood cousin) spent time fixing my resume. They made time for me and made me feel as if I was worth something.
And Michelle had always held her hand out... just incase I needed help. So.. if you ask me if Michelle really is my cousin. Then... I tell you that she is. And I'm on a mission to save her.
Sally told me it was great to see me back in my element; in a place where I was informing people about something I cared about... it made her smile to see passion back in my eyes that had been absent for so long.
...Being laid off really is a positive thing... I'd rather be a part of something bigger.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
As of late, after the gym I compensate the calories I just burned off by going to..
1. In-N-Out Burger to get animal style fries (fries with a slice of cheese, onions, thousand island)
2. BJ's Brewery to get a pizookie (baked cookie with ice cream)
3. Taco Bell to get anything on the dollar menu! HOLLA!
You may shake your head, but I think I deserve it. Today was awesome though. I felt very manly doing free weights with my boy Smyr. And as I stand here shirtless after a shower in front of the mirror, I think to myself how I'm not as self conscious walking around shirtless or dancing shirtless at a bar.
During the queer conference a couple of weeks ago, I was asked how I affirmed my ability. My peers answered eclectically: "going to the gym," "taking hip hop class," "swimming."
Being physically capable is a privilege... being free from illness is a privilege. I'm very healthy despite all the cheese I consume. I rarely get sick and all the pain and suffering I've had to deal with ONLY involves allergies.
But I've always felt that there MUST be something wrong with me. But for now, I consider myself a lucky bastard. You never know when your body could fail you. And when it does, most of the time your health depends on what your doctor can do for you, but what if... it depends on others?
Please support Project Michelle. She needs to find a Bone Marrow Match by June 21st. It really doesn't hurt to be registered OR to donate. Please educate yourself.
I have been focusing on a couple of drives and helping my cousin, but through my blog I am going to suppress and talk about something that doesn't hurt so much.
I'm rocking this awesome new FAUX HAWK! I'll take pictures, but I currently miss placed my camera. OMG! Today, I went to SuperCuts as per Joe's suggestion. He gets his stylish Faux Hawk at supercuts and basic cuts at a 7 dollar Vietnamese place on East side. When i walked in, the lady had a thick Vietnamese accent. Great, not again. I asked her firmly. "Have you cut a mohawk before?" She confidently said, "OF course!" She was pleasant, I obliged to stay. As I made conversation in my bad Vietnamese I discovered that I knew her niece who went to Berkeley.
Anyway, she gave me an awesome do that's pretty subtle.
Come to the drive this Friday and you'll see it!
Berkeley Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=18025516147
Friday, May 23, 2008, 11:00am - 2:00pm
Kroeber Fountain- midway between Sproul and Haas
Street: Intersection of Bancroft and College
San Francisco Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=13683444653
San Jose Drive: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=14315327137
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Sunday, May 18, 2008
I haven't seen Smyr in a long ass time.
Smyr is my one straight guy friend. I am one of his millions of gay friends. But I get first priority because I've known him the longest.
We hung out in Little Saigon and caught up. We talked about shiesty behavior as it seemed to be the theme of the season. We talked about nothing and everything until we ended up downtown to meet with Mony, gay friends... and A GIRL! Athena! YES!
A Girl: is our ticket to having fun at straight clubs. Granted we have to share her, but it's always a good time with a girl in downtown San Jose. Plus, Athena is awesomely fun! I love her! MoAny knew that so he brought her along! Nice
We got an AMF, a sake cocktail at a sake bar, a mojito, a hazel nut drink, i shared another AMF. Somehow my $50 cash back disappeared and my credit card felt warm. We went in search of a dance floor. But even Mission Ale failed us (especially now that there is a 3 dollar cover. FACK that SHIT) the music was great, but NO ONE was dancing. BAH.
I noticed that all the hot girls were in the street, but all the... *cough* gross ones were at the bars we were hitting. WTF mate. .. and we just ended up at Hunters. Walking there I noticed a hotdog stand. Like the one outside dragon, but ironically this one was cleaner. I asked them when they closed shop, they said 2am. Good, I may crave one later.
Smyr seemed to have a good time. I feel bad cuz he always ends up doing something Gay when he hangs with me, he was a good sport even though his ass got pinched 5 times. HAHAHAHAH! And Mony had his fuck-me face turned on. The DJ was compromising the hip hop and electronic dance music and played an interesting dance version of Low. it was doable.
I spotted Joe who was on a "date," so I did was a good friend is supposed to do: I snuck up behind him and kissed him on the neck and poked his sides. He totally freaked out and didn't know it was me, I laugh.
Mony was talking to this cute boy and I interjected to say hi. He was my size, cute smile, short hair, cute Hawaiian accent. The guy whispered in my ear, "You're CUTE!" And smiled. He was from Hawaii, he was on a business trip... he told us that his job was a secret. He left and I followed him outside. Through the gates I asked him for his phone and punched in my number. "You're not sober." I wasn't. He smiled his gorgeous smile.
I headed back to the group until the music died down. I got a text message from him, "you are cute :o)." I was really flattered. I've never been hit on like that before. My group walked outside and by the hotdog stand was the boy eating an apple.
My friends kept walking, I started to make conversation. I asked him where he got the apple from and he said he was carrying it this entire time. He got up and we walked together until we reach a corner and he headed left. I didn't follow him because I was going to LaVics with my friends. He came back to me leaned in and kissed me very sensually. VERY sensually. VERY VERY VERY. And told me that he had an apple for me in his hotel room. It was one of the best kisses I have ever received. Ever. It was wasn't a peck, it wasn't a make out... it was one of those in betweens. His lips were perfect.
I caught up to my friends and told them what happened. The boy gave me a call. "Are you coming over?" He was playful, adorable... I was in ecstasy. I told him I would AFTER I get a quesidella. He gave me his room number.
Oh shit, i gotta go, I'm going to the Art Festival with Eric. More soon.
After thinking about it for two seconds, I decided to go to the hotel room and figure the how-do-I-get-home part after. I said good bye and ThE said "you're going to meet up with him!?! Wear a condom!" He said this four times.... when I actually started to walk away he said, "fine, be a stereotype!!" He genuinely disapproved. I didn't care about MY morals at the time. I had hot a boy waiting for me. Smyr patted me on my back, "we're just kidding, go have fun!"
I jogged to the Marriot, thinking about what ThE said, am I a stereotype? Why was this boy so alluring? I shoved my proclaimed morals aside. I got a text message from Smyr, "HIT THAT SHIT," I was thankful Smyr was there that night to be a "guy friend." I made it to his floor and and knocked on his door. He opened it and with his cute Hawaiian smile stands there .... shirtless. Well, I guess that's how Hawaiian boys do it: they START off shirtless. He was thin and confident.
"why are you so cute?" he said to me... with his slight Hawaiian accent.
"No.. YOU are cute"
"No, you are drunk..."
"Yes, but you are still cute" I was not doing a good job at playing it cool.
"Is this for me?" There was an apple neatly placed next his watch and wallet. He nodded his head and I started to eat it.
We made conversation, and kiss.
"You're a good kisser"
"You are too" He really was... I haven't kissed like that in so long. No mess... just kisses. No tongue... just lips.
"I'm going back to Hawaii tomorrow." That didn't concern me at that moment. I continued to caress his shirtless chest, self conscious about my own nasty fat body.
"How old are you?"
"Perfect... i'm 23... so what do you do that SO secret... are you a cop?" I was hoping he had handcuffs.
"Actually, I'm a flight attendant and I'm going to Honolulu tomorrow."
"That's cool. I was in Hawaii ... Are you from Hilo? It always rains there!"
"Yes!" The fact that I knew something Hawaii made him really excited. His cuteness grew with everything he said.
"You could be Hawaiian" he told me... I was reminded of how much I enjoyed being mistaken for being Hawaiian. I straddled him.
"Oh you Cali boys... so easy." He could be telling yo'mama jokes, he would still be so cute. And nothing he could say could stop me from wanting to kiss him all night until he asked...
"So is MoAny your bf? You guys would make a cute couple."
"No... we are good friends.....do you have a boyfriend?"
"Since how long?"
"Does he know you do this?"
"...no..." he didn't look like he felt guilty AT ALL... his cute smile became goofy. He was sober, I was drunk.
I got up off him, grabbed my wallet, my phone and got back on top of him.
"Then I should go." I kissed his no so perfect big island lips one last time. .. got off the bed, looked back at him for a little bit smiled and left... his temping offer began to rot. (yes, I was a bit melodramatic)
Outside the hotel, I called Smyr. They just finished LaVics and he picked me up near the hotel. I was in a situation too familiar, except now instead of being an outsider looking in I was in someone else's shoes. I was impressed with my drunken self, I held true to what I believe in. Smyr drove me home.
Perfect timing. Perfect Everything.
The next day he apologized for being disrespectful, I told him not to hurt people he loved. I don't feel regretful about anything... after all I got a long awaited hot kiss and a free apple to match my shirt.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
My short attention span has allowed me to distract myself so that I don't think about Michelle so much...here is what else is on my mind.
But... PLEASE REGISTER! http://projectmichelle.com/ And come to my drive on May 24th.
Today my boss called a meeting. He said that we need to reorganize our publications. After he presented the project he said, "who wants to lead this?" Everyone ducks and avoids eye contact. I raised my hand and confidently stated, "I can take care of it" and nodded my head. My boss responded, "I don't think you can Christopher.... John... can you take care of it?"
No Hip Hop Policy?!!?!?
Last Saturday I hit the gay bars of San Jose. We checked out Splash because they were playing hip hop. I love this venue, but holy geezus the people there were classless. I'm saying. It was baggy shirt, stained jeans, braided greasy hair night. But the music was sweet.
We bounced to Hunters in search of some place where we wouldn't have to worry about getting jumped. Hunter's is a new gay bar and dance lounge, but fuck I hate the music so much. It's like this http://homestarrunner.com/sbemail45.html . HOW DO YOU FUCKING DANCE TO THAT?!?!?!??!?!?!? And it's stereotypical gay music. I was screaming to the Middle-aged Lesbian DJ to change the music. My friends were laughing at me cuz i was getting so flustered because here we are at Hunters. The people looked better, but the music was shitty and repetitive. Luckily, the DJ was putting in some requests and I got DOWN the last hour with my girl, Beyonce... WHAT?! I shouted to Mony, "COME dance with me, they're playing GOOD MUSIC!" I let the entire club know what good music was and cheered.
MoAny of course made about four new friends with his fuck-me face and aggressive dance style. I'm really glad I have friends that dance.
When the club closed, I went up to the bartender and asked him about the music. He told me that they don't usually play music like that... "We have a no Hip Hop Policy.... we are a Madonna electronic music sort of club" WTF?! You mean a ... "GAY Club?" You mean wave-your-body-rhythmlessly, touch-yourself-and-look-awkward sort of CLUB?!?! Ridiculous. Hip Hop music is the BEST music to dance to, you know the beats you know the lyrics. You know when to dip low, when to jet your arms in the air when they say, "ballin'!" It's like when you dance in your car, but this time in public and with friends. I just don't get how people can dance to electronic music when it's just.. dun dun dun dun dun dun lal allalla touch me dun dun dun dun dund dun. It's so freaking stupid and ONE gigantic long boring song.
GAH! I HATE HATE HATE HATE ELECTRONIC/GAY MUSIC!!!!!! Unless I'm cleaning, that shit makes me want to spray windex and get those specs off my dirty window.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Today at work I spent one hour doing work... and the rest: Project Michelle.
Every time I think about Michelle, I tear up a little and just thinking about what a beautiful person she is. .. and how it really isn't fair.
I am thrilled. I got clearance for a Drive at the South East Asian Graduation Ceremony at Berkeley. I'm going to make this happen. I am going to register all of you!
Bone Marrow Drive at SEA Grad
Place: Martin Luther King, Pauley Ballroom Foyer (To the Left up the stairs)
Date: Saturday, May 24, 2008
Time: 4:30pm- 8:30pm
This weekend I am helping my cousin out at her drive in Milpitas.
Sierramont Middle School
3155 Kimlee Drive
San Jose, Ca 95131
Saturday, May 17, 2008
8:30 am until 2:00 pm
There are so many random drives popping up, like one at Eastridge this Saturday!
Please go to http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html
and One at the Berkeley Thai Buddhist Temple. Get some FOOD and swab your spit!
May 18, 2008
I was thinking to myself. If I was a match for any of these people... I wouldn't mind saving their lives. Look at them... they are fierce: http://www.aadp.org/pages/page.php?pageid=51
Erica, is particularly fierce because she sings:
It makes me really sad because her donor fell through. People get scared. I understand... but how can deny someone life?
Check out my cousin's VBLOG. Oh and there's Van, he's really goofy.
I was talking to Justin about Nonprofit and how I would really enjoy doing it. He told me that it's enough to pay rent... and have a little more... maybe a large paycut is worth happiness...
VISIT: http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html to go to one near you!
Last week my close friend from Middle School invited me to try capoeira, Brazilian Martial Arts! I figure, at this point of my life, I should accept ALL invitations I receive especially since my social network is dwindling. She warned me that I will be sore for weeks. I did NOT know what to expect.
I didn't have white pants so I just wore black sweats and a wife-beater as recommended so that when I'm upside down I don't have any "accidental exposure." Kinky.
I drove to the Studio, Dojo, large room? In downtown San Jose by myself because none of my friends were available. Sigh. There I met up with an eclectic crowd. Tall, short, old, young, muscular GI Janes to over weight Joe ShMos. The one thing they all had in common was they were SO friendly.
After learning the basic step, I was thrown into the rink to practice and imitate what I just learned. EVERYONE wanted to be my partner... well, that's what it felt like. They all wanted to teach me something and they were all so very patient. I tumbled, and kicked. I was not graceful and I was sweating up a storm.
At one point they had me do headstands and one arm cartwheels while emphasizing eye contact. The moves had Brazilian names and the art of martial dancing had a huge cultural history. I was immersed in a cultural experience. At the end of the session, the Master and three others played instruments whiled the rest started to "play." He told us to stay low and take our time, communicate to our partner and read body movements. I could not stop smiling. I really did have trouble with kicking. This double kick thing made me feel pretty embarrassed, I was so ugly.
The night was concluded with respectful acknowledgment of my attendance. I was the ONLY new student. Everyone clapped and cheered. The master responded, "oh, that's enough, he wasn't THAT good!" Everyone chucked and asked if I will return. I responded, HELL YEAH!
And I drove away feeling like experienced something different. Something not Gay, not Asian, not American, not College... but another community that I did not know existed.
Yes to Brazilian culture and body movement through martial arts!
Register your Bone Marrow, it's really easy! http://www.projectmichelle.com
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
This passed Friday, I attended the NSU Banquet. I almost killed a pedestrian and ran a red light driving there with a couple of NSU folks squished in my truck. I got a phone call, "are you here yet?!" I responded, "I'm on my way, am I the last one?!" "..yeah" Great. So fyi, Japanese American time is actually 10minutes early with cookies or rice crackers. (As opposed to Vietnamese of Pilipino time which is 1 hour late). GAH Embarrassing. But I got there just in time for the dinner.
The banquet was at Pyramids and I was assigned to sit with other gay kids assuming I would get along with them. Ironically, I had nothing to say to them and frankly I was tired of hearing "creepy post grad returning to prey on underclassmen" -jokes. Haha, funny. Not really. I wish I got to sit next to NSU kids that I've known for years so that I could catch up. But, no matter, I used my legs to move around. I was surprise to learn that Miwa was running banquet again for the 3rd year in a row! I guess, she's just that good. Like Huan and culture show... me and publicity? ;)
It was sad because I was the only alum. Everyone had moved on... or rather moved across the pacific to Japan to teach English. I felt really old when only I knew the answer to the trivia question: What was the name of the First Culture Show. Everyone looked around with an curious expression.
"Generations!! Damn I AM old!" I shouted with a few chuckles here and there from the other kids.
What I love about NSU is respect and acknowledgement. Everyone who attends banquet gets a gift, all the Seniors get a gift and new and old core etc. It's important to recognize people. And Miwa pointed that out. Respect. That's right girl.
At the end of the dinner I was getting anxious because there wasn't a group picture. I was pulling my hair out because group pictures, to me, 'seal the deal.' But luckily the new historian with his SLR organized a group shot outside the building. Saved!
Miwa made an announcement, "If you're 21, we are going to a bar..." 10 minutes later someone else made an announcement, "If you're NOT 21, let's HANG OUT!" This made me very happy! The youngin's are taking care of themselves while the older kids can go out. As it should be. Brilliant.
At the Bar I bought two rounds of drinks and a large plate of nachos. I flirted with the guy making the nachos and he spilled a bucked of salsa on the floor. Oops. JV said I had the BIGGEST smile on my face and that there was this positive aura surrounding me when I brought the plate of nachos back to the table. Well of course, I love nachos... and I love NSU.
Maressa, came in and I exploded with excitement. We got tequila and lick the salt off each other's arms. This girl, knows good fun. I love it. I remembered her parties. Especially Halloween when she was dressed as a cowgirl holding two handles of liquor, "who wants a shot?" I heart Maressa.
Buzzed, we all stumbled to see what the new generation was up to. As we walked the streets of Berkeley, I poked a guy walking passed me. "Why'd you touch me, BIIiIIITCH!?" Omg. I forgot facebook poking and real life poking was very very very different. I walked a little faster laughing at how angry he was. Why must people get so angry? Gosh. When we finally got there, to my surprise the underaged ones were as drunk, if not more drunk than we were. "SHHHHH!" Everyone shouted. I met a couple of the new core and I am beyond excited for the new year! For NSU! YES!
I stumbled upon a conversation, "I just think girl parts are more attractive, you know the roundness... sensual etc.!" This conversation sounded too familiar, I jumped in. "OH yeah! So you prefer curves over sharp angles!?" The guy goes, "RIGHT ON!" And gives me a high five.. as if I was agreeing with him. Hah.
I crashed at Kevin's place and bounced early in the morning, quickly returning to current chapter of my life that I had been living for the passed year.
I remembered that the difference between VSA and NSU for me was that I was in NSU for 3 years. I was a leader for a good portion of that time and I had devoted a lot of my time defining the club. VSA, I was only a part of for a semester. And from the get go... I felt distant from VSA even though I am ethnically connected. Also, the week before at the VSA banquet or rather Berkeley in general, I was looking for something that I shouldn't have been. My life is here right now. In this office... counting weekends. Sigh.
It makes me happy to see old faces that I defined my undergrad with... share a drink to celebrate good times... just to raise a glass to remembering college for a night and returning home where I belonged. Love it.
Monday, May 12, 2008
After reading Huy's comment regarding restrictions on donating blood vs. donating bone marrow/stem cells, I realized that I needed to educate myself before I make such outlandish accusations to society.
I called the Asian American Donor Program (AADP) at 510-568-3700 and asked them what the policy is on gay donors. The pleasant lady informed me that when asked sexuality questions I can choose to "defer" my answers. She also continued to say that there have been many gay donors.
So... the "loop hole" so to speak is NOT to lie, but rather defer the question all together. I have that choice. She clarified, like Huy clarified, that there are different policies for donating blood and donating bone marrow/stem cells, especially with its urgency.
Well then. I registered and my home test kit is being sent tomorrow. And you should too my gay gay gay gay readers.
Save a life with your gay bone marrow. Please.
Driving to work I day dreamed of being back at Berkeley among my peers on Sproul during Noon. I imagined myself wearing a giant sign: SAVE A LIFE and yelling through a megaphone:
I would do cartwheels and flyer everyone on campus. Email all the listservs that I belong to. Post flyers in Dwinelle, Wheeler, the dorms, the FRATs and replace them the second they get torn down. And educate people... on why registering is SO important.
And at the same time, I wonder what type of person I am because I say I want to do these great things for people I love... but ONLY when I'm asked to. ONLY when I am in a situation where it is necessary that I take action otherwise, my heart will suffer. What type of person am I?
And I understand people, who don't donate. Who recycle (I hope RECYCLE) my flyer because registering is NOT important to them because... it doesn't affect them. Because the people that they love are NOT on the clock. I understand you... because I am you. But please be better than me. Please consider registering. Please consider caring about strangers.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
I just learned that my friend, practically my cousin, needs to find a match for her bone marrow transplant by June 21st . Please read the letter below and widely distribute.
It is illegal for Gay Men to Donate Blood. See article here.
The FDA banned any man who has had sex with another man since 1977 from giving blood [or bone marrow]. At San Jose State, this has caused so much controversy that they banned blood donation drives all together. I've known this since sophomore year of college, and since then I've used it as an excuse so that I do not HAVE to donate blood.
I am scared. Scared of needles and this ban provided some sort of guilt relief because when people ask me, Have I donated yet... instead of saying, "no... um.. because, well, I'm selfish." I say, "no, because the US is a fucked up country who thinks my blood is disease infested!"
But now, I regret this excuse because it has prohibited me from saving an individual who become a part of my family. It doesn't matter that I've heard it so often "save a life! ... blah blah... SAVE A LIFE!" only when it hit close home that I feel utterly frustrated that I can't do anything because of legality... because of homophobia.
Before you can donate blood, they ask screening questions to see if you are qualified. One of them asks, "Have you had sex with other men?" They should rephrase the question: "So NOW you want to try to save a life, well, your gay blood is STILL unwelcomed, do you want to lie, break a law and continue?"
My parents registered.
My mom asked me if I want to. I told her they wont let me... because I'm gay.
She responds, .. "I don't get it... it's the human body."
I guess Gays aren't human.
Please take a moment to read this email. Michelle, has been diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia (AML), which is a cancer of the blood. She is in urgent need of a bone marrow transplant. Michelle is 26 years old -- she is an incredible human being and friend. Michelle was first diagnosed in February 2007. This past week we learned Michelle had relapsed and her cancer had returned.
Michelle, a Chinese-Vietnamese American and Berkeley alum, urgently needs our help in giving her a new chance at life. She is undergoing chemotherapy at present but needs to find a match for her bone marrow transplant by June 21st .
Fortunately, you can help. Let's use the power of the net to save her life…something that couldn't be done years ago, but is now possible.
Three Things You Can Do
1. Please get registered.
Getting registered is quick and requires a simple cheek swab and paperwork (10 minutes of your time). If you are actually a match, the donation process is VERY similar to giving blood.
We have created an organization called "Project Michelle" (http://www.projectmichelle.com/) to increase the number of Asians registered in the bone marrow registry. Our goal is to enroll 15,000 Asians. Her match is most likely to come from a person of Asian descent, however, very few Asians are actually in the registry and this makes it very difficult for doctors to find them a match. This is why we need your help.
We are currently organizing drives nationwide, and I need you to get registered by visiting a local drive. Please check our website for information about drives in your area (http://www.projectmichelle.com/drives.html).
You can also get registered easily by ordering a free home kit http://www.aadp.org/pages/register.php. Please indicate in the additional notes box of your test materials "For Michelle. To be expedited.".
2. Organize a drive.
Organize a drive in your community (workplace, church, community center , etc.) http://www.projectmichelle.com/howtodrives.html.
At a minimum, please share this email message with at least 20 people, and ask them to do the same. Please point your friends to local drives, ask them to get registered, and organize a drive in their own community.
Please use the power of your address book to spread this message – today more than ever before, we can achieve broad scale and be part of a large online movement to save lives.
3. Learn more
To learn more, please visit (http://www.projectmichelle.com/). The site includes more details on how to organize your own drive, valuable information about leukemia, plus FAQs on registering.
Thank you for getting registered and joining this effort to help Michelle win her fight against leukemia – and for helping others who may face blood disorders in the future.
Friends and Family of Michelle
* * * * *
FAQs on Bone Marrow Transplant
How do I know if I'm a match?
If you are found to be a possible match, you will be contacted by the National Registry or your local center. You will be presented with the option of proceeding to the next level of testing.
How my marrow is collected?
The most common procedure is peripheral blood stem cell collection. You are given injections to support overproduction of marrow, which is then released into your circulating blood. The cells are collected by removing blood from a vein in your arm during a simple procedure. This is very similar to donating blood – isn't it amazing that it's that easy to save someone's life?!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Monday, May 5, 2008
I was jealous of Joe and Zto though, they spent their Saturday in the Castro at Club Papi. Joe told me that the gay club was EVERYTHING you'd expect in a "gay club," hot Latino bodies, go go dancers, groping, drunkness. Sex SEX SEX lining the floors and walls and of course Kat Deluna on stage singing Whine Up 4 times, once in Spanish. HAHA, that's where I belonged; that's my community post college. LOL. Who needs a mentor when you have tequila?
There were some other explicit details, but I'll save it until I get to experience gay clubbing that's NOT Dragon or 18+.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Chapter 1: Just Like High School
I was invited to the VSA Banquet and I figured I would just stop by toward the end of the evening. The theme was "Prom," and it was just that... a Prom. I drove up the Berkeley mountains to check out the Botanical Gardens. Through the windy roads, I nearly crashed because I had no navigator and had to glance at the google maps document in fear of losing my way and getting eaten by bears... CAL BEARS! HAHA. When I reached the top, I was in awe at the view. You could see everything.
When I finally arrived, I felt like I stepped back in time. There was a balloon arch and music blasting from inside a large hall, glitter, rose petals, boys in ties and vests, girls in cute dress and their hair did. I was having a great time seeing old faces and dancing to Kelly Clarkson and Blink 182; Me and JV screaming the lyrics with conviction, "WORK SUCKS, I KNOW!" Then, they played a slow song. People who brought "dates" were saved, others danced in groups, some depressingly sat down... JUST like high school. Thankfully I was near my girl Christine and she held her hands out to dance with me. We rocked back and fourth. And she said a couple of things that implied that she wished that I wasn't gay... and like in high school.. at that moment wished I wasn't gay either so that I can have feelings and emotions for people and not have to hide it...
A second slow song played and I was not as lucky. I found myself stepping outside in the cold by myself and looking at my phone as if it would save me from feeling so lonely. A third slow song played and I was pulled into the dance floor, dancing with some strange girl who was trying to make people dance so that they wouldn't feel so pathetic, but in actuality made them feel worse. The night ended at 11pm and I was thankful that it was over. I felt like a chaperon trying to relive my 'youth'... but for what? So I can revert back to immaturity? No thank you. I'm trying to grow up remember?!
I drove some kids home in my truck and spent the night trying not think so hard ... realizing that the "pain and agony of high school" should be reviewed through pictures not through first hand accounts. Though I was lucky enough that during high school I wasn't so much concerned with emotions, but with having a good time with good friends. Which is what I should have done at that "Prom."
That night I made up for it: I let the warmth of my friends comfort me while I slept.
Chapter 2: Lack of a Community Post College
JV gave me a day pass to park on Saturday so I decided to stay at Berkeley. I called Sally cuz I knew she would be up. She's graduating one year EARLY so there's a lot things for her to get done. She told me that she had no time to spend time with people she cared about before she left for Japan for JET. For that reason, I felt lucky that I spent the morning with her.
She told me that she was volunteering at the Queer and Asian Conference so I followed her. Initially I wasn't going to go because I figured I had experienced enough conferences in my time. But as more familiar faces from Cal arrived at VLSB, I stayed to catch and reminisce with kids from my generation.
I attended an amazing workshop focusing on building a community based on identity. I was reminded that being gay had consumed my identity. I discovered that I longed for a mentor... someone that I could look up to learn from ...and who would check up on me. A lot of powerful things were said, I absorbed everything. I understood, that one of the reasons I hated work so much was because my sexuality was being suffocated. That the community that I once had, that surrounded me was replaced with sterile excel sheets... and I need to get out of that hell hole. I was given some resources, but there were few. South Bay Queer and Asian.
The guest speaker was empowering. She was a power lesbian, a sexuality professor, an inspiration. I left feeling appropriately moved and enlightened and remembering why these conferences were so important.
Chapter 3: Lonely
I spent the rest of the day chasing something that didn't exist. For the first time in years I kept what I was feeling hidden because even I disapproved. I drove home once again feeling alone. With out community, with out a mentor, with out someone to hold my hand when I reached out for them. I drove to InNOut Burger and ate by myself while high schoolers smoked cigarettes outside their cars. I felt... lame.
I made a phone call. I regretfully filled that void because I was that lonely, messed up... depressed. I made some regrets, because I needed the attention. I made some regrets because I felt weak. And I wished that being "comfortable" with myself, trusting myself, giving myself value was enough to keep me from feeling this way...
but man... it's not enough.
Chapter 4: Hidden
The boy that I've been crushing on asked me numerous times to go to the VSA Prom, he emphasized that he REALLY wanted to see me. When I got there, he was dancing with a girl all night. I took it as a sign that he was not interested in me. And left him alone. He called me to hang out and I spent 8 hours trying to get his attention during Rely for Life. He knows I liked him. He wrapped a sleeping bag around me because I was cold, but when I reached out for his hand he moved away. My friends disapprove. Because even IF he did like me, he is a boy who needs to figure himself out first. Even if he did like me we are in different stages of our life and it wouldn't work out anyway. But that didn't keep me from liking him... and being hurt by him. And that night, when I was alone, I called someone who has feelings for me... and I slept with him because I needed to feel loved. And I keep this hidden because I know better. I keep this hidden because it's the opposite of what I preach. I keep this hidden because I'm embarrassed of myself for allowing a boy to cause me such grief... and for taking advantage of a friend whose love I couldn't return. And I know ya'll are smart enough to discover this "hidden" entry... but for now, I'm going to believe that you aren't smart enough and still respect me. ...and I can still respect myself.
This wasn't my idea, but I'm going to take credit for going out and buying the material and having it stitched. But it needs a name... Hmm Human Rubberband? Oscillating Lycra? Hmm.
Yes. People run into each other. And if you play with big guys like Tony, you go flying! And you're too tall, you may get closelined.
What's the point? To launch your friends! LOL
Friday, May 2, 2008
I had very good week.
I submitted my resume to some companies thanks to the help of my cousins who made me realize that I have a lot to learn.
I sold a service contract worth 25K. Yes!
Organized all the blogs I read using google.com/reader
I had this convo with Joe over GCHAT:
Joe: im still amazed that you are not out with your familyHeh. I never really thought about.
me: im very straight acting contrary to your belief
Joe: oh chris. out of all of us...you are the most comfortable with yourself.
Joe: and i admire that a lot. NO you are
me: how do I seem most comfortable?
Joe: you fart, burp, wear whatever whenever, talk about anything anywhere.... you're crazy open-minded.
me: that's disgusting I'm disgusting!!
Joe: and thats why i like talking to you about personal stuff
Joe: because not enough bugs you
me: a lot of things bug me!
Joe: but not about yourself
Joe: so anyway thats what surprises me because my parents do
know about me, but im surprised you havent and you talk to your
parents a lot more than i do
But I really don't think I'm that comfortable with myself.
Regarding my family. Everyone knows except my dad, sort of. I wrote about it here.
I know my dad knows. But maybe it makes him happy to have hope and coming out and confirming that I am queer will crush all the dreams he had for me: getting married, having kids, passing on the lineage, being a perfect puzzle piece of
society. So I stay silent so that he can pretend that I just haven't found the
I stay silent so that he doesn't have to cry because I'm not
the perfect son that I wish I was...
This weekend is already PPS. There are no plans and I don't feel like making any. What I want to do is go shopping, replace outdated clothes with new. And spend some time on my April recap. BTW. Does anyone want to dress me?